Latest Posts by goddessmba - Page 2

This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

—

forget what they say. ignore them. there will always be idiots trying to bring you down. don’t listen to them. deep down, you know the truth. you’re special. even if you don’t feel it right now, you are. you’re divine. you’re a princess, you’re a queen. you deserve to be praised, adored, served and worshipped. is this what you want? because if it is, then you can have it. it’s not impossible, it’s not as hard as you think. forget what they told you your whole life: there’s nothing wrong about craving to pampered, obeyed, loved, adored, served. on the contrary, that’s just beautiful. and if you possess this beauty inside you, it’s about time for you to allow yourself to enjoy it, to explore it, to own it. it’s all yours for the taken. this is not an impossible dream, this could be your reality. all you have to do is to embrace it. is this what you want? tell the world: do you want to be worshipped? 

June 21

Rough few days.

Devin bought a gun earlier this week. He told me at the end of last month that he couldn’t visit me in June because he couldn’t afford it, and that week he bought an $80 axe and $75 sunglasses. Just purchases on whims, because there was a good sale and he wanted them. And $155 certainly doesn’t equal the amount he would have paid for a plane ticket, but a gun sure as hell does. It hurt. A lot. I spent so much money a few days ago to prepare for my trip to see him in July and he didn’t acknowledge any of that, and yet he’s completely unwilling to spend any of HIS time or money to come out to see ME. He’s angry with me about it, too... He feels guilty, and he’s angry that I’m not consoling his feelings. He says I was being vindictive and wrong because I’m telling him how terrible I feel, all of the questions and doubts that his behavior has caused.

Amy and I are spatting as well. I told her about a job interview that didn’t go well for me, and instead of any kind of empathy, she launched into telling me what I should have done. It’s standard Amy behavior, she likes telling me what to do, but in that moment I was really hurt. And insulted. And when I told her, her response was to tell me that my message was unnecessary. Me telling her how I felt was unnecessary. She sent a long message today that was basically excusing her behavior and turning the tables around on me, telling me how SHE felt about my message, and I responded with basically repeating how I felt.

I’m not sure how to feel about these important people in my life treating my feelings as inconsequential. I’m hurt, but shame on me for making THEM feel bad with my hurt. I wonder what that says about my judge of character, about the people I choose to surround myself with.

I’ve felt incredibly lonely as of late. Just hurt and lonely and worthless, considering I’m still unemployed and I haven’t heard anything about the consulting work I was hoping to have over the summer. I feel unloved and unwanted. How could these people I care about so much care so little about ME, how could they be so apathetic about the fact that they’re hurting ME. Do I really only exist to make THEM feel good, is that really the only purpose I serve in their lives?

Today I choose to be a Goddess.

June 17

Woke up around 805am, got out of bed at maybe 930am. I went to bed last night feeling really down about myself and about my relationship, just SO many feelings swirling. Right now I feel a little numb... Just not as in touch with my feelings as I was then. Big plans for today: send some important emails I’ve been dragging feet on for weeks, yoga, cardio, heading over to Amy’s to help powerwash her deck for her party this weekend.

Devin is young. And not very experienced in life, and comes from money, and I know that in my head but it’s hard dating someone like that when I take so much pride in my independence and the fact that I can afford the little things that I can afford. I spent over $1,000 within about three hours yesterday... I booked my flight for July, I reserved a rental car for the first few days of my trip, I booked an apartment for Virginia, I booked an apartment for DC, I still have to book one more hotel for the last night I’m in Virginia and figure out where I’m going to sleep while Devin is in DC (hopefully somewhere that doesn’t cost any money). I told Devin about the things that were booked, I forwarded along the apartment information, and he didn’t acknowledge any of it. He was so in his own feelings with how his work day went, and he takes things like hotel/apartment costs in stride anyway, and he didn’t say anything. And I felt hurt and unappreciated and bitter. The thought crossed my mind “if he’s not going to appreciate the money I’m spending to be there, then why am I spending it to be there... Would he even care if I cancelled”.

It’s hard. He just doesn’t know or understand. And he’ll likely never know or understand, because he’ll never be in a position where he won’t have money. I don’t know if having someone who’s on such the opposite spectrum of me when it comes to finances is a good idea... If I need someone who’s more like me so that they understand and can appreciate what I have and am capable of.

June 5

Today I feel wistful.

I met with Mary Jo about doing some potential consulting work while I’m in South Bend for the summer. It was really positive... I think she’s excited about the idea of potentially giving me some things to do to help her company out. I ended up going to the gym afterwards, because of my conversation with her, and that made me feel a ton better as well. I drove home singing along to songs on my iPhone, the windows were down and the evening was cool, I was happy.

Devin disappointed me today. He had inventory this morning, so he was at work by 445am. I sent him a message last night, that he read when he woke up. It had a list of things (some were just I love yous, some were reminders, some were requests) and he said he would respond to it when he could. Yesterday, he asked for a call sometime this afternoon, and I said okay. He was supposed to get off of work at 2pm, and he didn’t call. Or respond to my text. I messaged him at 445pm asking if he was still at work, and he said that he wasn’t. We didn’t call, he didn’t even ask to call until I was already at dinner. He didn’t get to the things on my list until I expressed my anger about it, and some of them were easy things: sending me a picture of his wrist.

I felt unworthy. I felt like he didn’t want the relationship I wanted, I felt like I’m not enough to keep him interested. Or enough for a submissive to want to be the partner I’d really like for them to be. This is something that happens time and time again with him, and I don’t know if it’s just him struggling with figuring out who or what he is or if it’s that he’s not a good fit for me. Or, I’m not a good fit for him. I’m not enough to help guide him to be the slave he says he wants to be.

It was a tough day. I wanted to share my excitement with him about dinner and about going to the gym, but I’m hurt. So I’m withholding. Which the Master I want to be would never do, which doesn’t help with these feelings of unworthiness, but I’m going to lick my wounds and try again tomorrow.

May 28

So a lot has changed... I’ve since graduated, and I’m unemployed. My worst nightmare has come true, and yet I’m still alive and well to tell the tale about it. I’m going to be staying in South Bend for a few weeks (months) until I have a job lined up. I was really panicked about it, really anxious and stressed and just using it to evaluate my self-worth like crazy, but for some reason all of that has faded and I’ve just ACCEPTED the circumstances. Which is nice.

Things with Devin and I are going much better. He’s collared now, he’s officially under consideration. I have no idea what that means to him. When we were together, things were great. He tried really hard. Now that he’s back in Virginia, he’s just gotten REALLY lazy. REALLY unwilling to do the things I ask of him. Most of them are little things (in my mind)... Things like daily journaling. Or anal stretching so that we can actually have the pegging sessions I want to have. He’s responsible for monthly contract reviews, for us to reread and talk about the contract we signed when he put the collar on. He typically tells me when he’s spending time with friends, but I’m noticing that he’s really selective about the friends he’s telling me he’s spending time with. We went to the Power Exchange Summit a few weeks ago and it was fantastic. I think he got a lot out of it. One of the sessions I attended said that challenges with control usually aren’t a struggle within the relationship but are a struggle within the bottom.

I don’t feel as though I can just tell him what to do, that I can say “you’re slipping, moving forward you’re going to do this” because I don’t think he’s going to do it. And THEN what do I do. It’s the constant mental struggle I have, it’s the number one reason leading (or maybe just leading HIM) is so difficult. Because he’s lied to me before. He’s ignored tasks, he’s ignored punishments, he’s just WAY doing his own thing on his own time and disregarding the expectations of the relationship.

It’s hard. I know he’s learning, I know he’s young and trying to individualize, I know he wants to be good but he’s just not willing to do a lot of the work it takes to be good. So what do I do with him given this circumstance. I have no idea.

April 27

Today I feel pretty good!! Not great (still not able to push myself to get some of this school work done that needs to be done, and as a result I’m not doing ANYTHING but wasting time) but I was social tonight... I went to Amy’s house for a BDSM 101 discussion. It was so great spending time with her! The rest of the people there were meh, I would have been just as happy if none of them were there (some of them I would have been much happier if they hadn’t showed up at all) but it was great seeing Amy again. I was about to type “I’m amazed she’s friends with me... She’s so charismatic and could be friends with anyone, I’m surprised she would choose to be friends with me” and part of me legitimately feels that way, but either way I’m glad we’re friends.

I just don’t WANT to write these damn papers. I think that’s the problem... I just don’t WANT to do it. And it’s childish and ridiculous and I know that deciding not to write it is hugely detrimental to my future (and I just need to finish out another TEN DAYS and then I’m DONE with this program!) but I just don’t WANT to do it. It’s really challenging.

But! Things with Devin and I are good, I’m happy with our relationship. I’m going to mention to him during our weekly check-in call that he has a habit of immediately complaining, immediately talking about why things won’t work and all the things that could go wrong, and that it’s definitely human nature, but that it’s difficult for me to feel positive about whatever I’m talking about, or to continue to try to come up with ideas or suggestions, if the first thing I’m met with is negativity from him. I think it’s going to be an ongoing process, and will definitely be a change to the way he currently thinks, but it would make such a huge difference. For me, anyway.

April 26

Today I feel okay. It was a good day at the therapist, I came home and napped and talked to Devin on the phone a few times and made some rice to eat, but I didn’t get done the things I wanted to get done. I think I’m just hitting a really pessimistic patch. I did send a few emails to some USAA people, asking for their time to chat about HR at USAA, and a call I had with a current USAA employee from the day before turned out pretty well (he forwarded my resume along, which was much appreciated), so I guess I’m making moves in the right direction.

But just okay. Not fantastic, not as desolate as I’ve felt earlier this week, just okay. 😊

April 25

Today I feel better.

Things with Devin and I are still going really well, he makes me happy. He’s so damn SWEET. I was talking to Florida Matt about him, and I realized how very service-oriented Devin is. And this could be because of me pushing him to be this way, but he’s following along. He’s doing it, he’s my little slave. ❤️

I had a conversation with someone from USAA, which felt AMAZING. Just really positive, like he was definitely willing to help me out!! Which I LOVED. I feel more positive about potentially getting a job with USAA, I’m so set on moving in that direction. I REALLY want USAA.

Classes are meh. But not as desolate as I felt about them yesterday, so that’s an improvement. The house is still in shambles, the dogs keep peeing in the same spot on the floor so the floor boards are warping, there’s still lots of improvement to be done over the next few weeks/months, but I’m feeling more positive about it.

I love Devin so much. I love love love him. I don’t know what’s happened, but I feel so much less anxious in our relationship now. I just feel more secure in it, I’m not sure why. I wonder if he feels the same way. I’ll ask him about it during next week’s checkin.

April 24

Today I feel unmotivated. I spent the entire day in the house- I slept a lot, I killed time playing with my phone, I skipped my gender equity class, I didn’t do anything around the house, I didn’t do any work on the papers I’m delinquent on... I did nothing. And it made me feel even worse about myself, not doing anything. I’m not sure what happened- why I was so disengaged yesterday. I just had no desire to do ANYTHING. I forget, frequently, that this is a rare opportunity for me to learn things, for me to take time off from a 40 hour work week. And that finding a job at this level takes a lot of effort on my part- just time and effort that I’m not investing into right now.

It feels overwhelming, thinking about all of the things I need to do. And I know that writing everything down will help a ton, but for some reason the idea of writing this down is also overwhelming. I think I’m afraid of seeing it. Who knows.

It’s just been a really unproductive, discouraging day.

April 23

Today I feel okay. Not stellar, not depressed, just okay. I completed my presentation (it went well, considering I only spent about two hours on it), I didn’t complete the white paper (five pages single spaced and I naively thought I could finish the whole damn thing in three hours), I had forgotten about a cardiology appointment so I had to duck out of a lecture early (one I was really looking forward to hearing). Things with Devin and I were sweet... We texted back and forth throughout the day, which was nice. We had a short call at the end of the night, where he asked me to sing to him, which I found painfully sweet. ❤️ He just sounded so wistful, I think it’s because I had just corrected him and reminded him that he is a submissive.

House is meh. I got a lot of things done yesterday, which felt really satisfying. I didn’t sleep a lot- intentions of working on the presentation as well as making headway on the paper- so I napped as soon as I got home from the doctor. I’ve been trying to eat more tuna, just because it’s inexpensive and it’s a lot healthier than other meal choices I could be making. Tuna and fruit/spinach smoothies. Hopefully it helps with weight loss and brain fog and just helping me to FEEL better.

I’ve been consistent about taking my meds- Corbin has been helping me to be consistent about taking my meds. It’s made a huge difference, I just have a more positive affect. I’m more hopeful with meds. Which makes me a little suspicious of whether my “positive attitude” that I’m always complimented for is really ME or if its the drugs, a conversation I’ve had with my psychiatrist in the past.

🐰🐣🌸

I feel amazing!!!

I’m not sure what happened this morning, but I’ve been getting things DONE! Last night I didn’t do too much, just made some notes on things that Devin and I could talk about in couple’s therapy, but today I was out of the house (showered too!) by 11am, drove to the gas station to fill my little gas container, and started my lawn mower for the first time since I bought the damn thing two years ago. I mowed the front yard, seeded the front yard, and then mowed about 75% of the back yard (lots of poop to pick up, as well as trash that’s blown in from the dumpsters at the restaurants on the other side of my fence). I’m going to pick up the trash, finish mowing, and then seed the back yard as well! It’s supposed to rain in a few days, so it’ll be a good time to put the seeds down and hopefully have some grass before my graduation barbecue next month.

Devin messaged to say that he’s on his way home from the camping trip... He’s lovey dovey like he usually is after returning from weekends of WiFi silence. It was sweet, he’s sweet. 😊 One thing I was thinking as I was cutting the grass is that it would be nice for him to be out here cutting my grass for me someday. Seeing him assume that responsibility, having us work on domestic types of home maintenance together.

April 20

I feel disheartened.

It’s my own fault. I haven’t left my house yet today. I didn’t really leave the house yesterday either, aside from running to see the therapist. But today, I didn’t even leave to check the mail. I haven’t showered today, I’ve been eating all the things I’ve been telling myself not to eat (so many carbs), I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping and coughing (allergies- lots of gunk running down my throat), just not a stellar day. Which isn’t what I had expected- I was thinking I’d be able to get all kinds of things done today.

I worry about days like this... How am I supposed to be functional when I have a job. Or when I’m living with someone. If I can’t motivate myself to take care of myself even at a basic level- showering is pretty basic- how can I do so WITH someone. How can I create the environment I need to be successful in a demanding career.

What’s been helpful in the past is listing the things I’d like to get done. Acknowledging them helps me to want to address them sometimes. So things to do: write a strategic writing paper, write a bad news letter, write a white paper on AI and resume screening, create a persuasive presentation, vacuum, scrub the floors, give the dogs baths and haircuts, fold laundry, wash laundry, prepare some healthy meals, tidy up, pick up poop in the back yard, mow the lawn, put down some grass seeds, plant flowers, box up the kink toys to take to Amy’s, get some flooring done. There are so many options for things to work on, and instead of starting on a small one I’m looking at the big ones (the papers) and choosing to do nothing about them. I keep telling myself “tomorrow” or “later this afternoon” or “tonight”.

Taking my medication regularly has definitely helped, but there’s still a struggle with just WILL. How do I propel myself to just DO it.

The day isn’t over, there’s still time to turn things around. I think there’s something about sitting in the chair I’m sitting in... It’s become a spot I go to for procrastination. Just killing time. Maybe I’ll try sitting at a different seat at the table.

April 19

I hate this platform so much.  I lost what I typed YET AGAIN.

Today I feel content.  (Though right now I’m seriously annoyed.)

Things with Devin are going fine.  He left for his camping trip today- I still struggle with the knee-jerk feeling of unease and jealousy about him and Leila, but I’m realizing that the circumstances are such that it would be difficult for me to NOT feel some level of discomfort with the two of them spending time together.  Their friend circle is coupled off, and the two of them end up coupled together.  Devin is secretive about all of his friendships and doesn’t share even times when he goes bowling with Stewart.  Devin has shown in the past that he will deliberately hide things from me to avoid problems.  Devin is able to spend lots of time with her, whereas he’s not able to spend lots of time with me.  I know in my gut that I can trust him, but given our circumstances, Chester can’t.  Which is tricky.

Things with the job are going fine.  I had the interview with McKesson and just got an email about a position with Cigna in El Paso.  It’s good for my ego and my self-confidence, finally receiving interest on positions I’ve applied for.  I’ve received some good advice about adding my interterm experience onto my resumes to stress the HR work I’ve done, so I plan to do that and then use both resumes, depending on which jobs I’m applying for.  (Or, if I can somehow get all of that information onto the resumes without losing any information, I’ll do that.)

Classes are going fine.  I’m not as behind as I initially thought I was, which feels really positive.  I have two papers to work on this weekend (one of them is pretty big) and one persuasive presentation that I want to give some thought to.  I’ve done pretty well in that class so far, B+ on presentations I’ve only given a few hours to (and a B because I was docked for going over on time), so I want to see what would happen if I give something more time and effort.  I think I could maybe pull off an A or something (probably not an A in the class, but an A on the presentation).

Things at home are fine.  They’re not great, still lots to do around the house and I’m not accomplishing as much as I’d like to, but I don’t feel anxious about it.  I think, in the grand scheme of things, the things I have to do won’t actually take as long once I get started on doing them.  These projects that are looming on my to-do list will really only take maybe 30 minutes to an hour once I get started.  The dilemma is just getting started- I’m dragging my feet on getting started because I’m intimidated by the amount of work and time it will take.  And I know that in my head, but it’s tough to still motivate the rest of me to get moving.

All in all, I feel content.  Devin is a bright spot in my life, the job opportunities that are starting to pop up are a bright spot in my life, I’m feeling better.  Just more hopeful.  Which is nice.  I’ve had some really pessimistic, sinking feelings over the past few weeks, so I’m glad I’m rebounding (and now that I think about it, that could be due to Seasonal Affect Disorder as well, huh) and that I’m doing better.

April 17

Today I feel happy. I feel positive, I feel hopeful and really good. I had the job interview with McKesson today and I think it went really well- that helped me a lot with confidence as I’m slogging through these job applications. I’m applying for jobs with renewed energy, it’s really positive.

Things with Devin are also going well, I’m feeling positive there too. We’re having shorter calls during the day, usually when he’s driving to work or driving home. We talk for about 30-40 minutes at the time, unless he’s heading home and we sometimes talk once he’s at home as well.

April 15

Today I feel really positive. Which is crazy, because I haven’t showered in four days, I’m four papers behind in classes, I have a lot to do around the house, I’m broke, I’m unemployed, I’m getting my butt kicked by allergies, and I’m neglecting the health and care of both my dogs and myself. But I’m feeling positive.

I have a job interview scheduled for Wednesday. It was initially scheduled for today but my allergies just weren’t cooperating. I WANT to be better. I WANT to get my work done, I WANT to get my finances inline, I WANT to eat healthy and exercise and take care of my house. And I think the desire to be better or to do more is so important- there have been times when I don’t want to, and then it feels almost impossible to get any changes made or real action taken.

Devin and I are doing REALLY well!! We’re talking... Like, really talking. And it feels amazing. Like New Relationship Energy all over again. I think he might feel more comfortable being honest with me about when he’s not going to get something done, or when he wants to change something or push back on something. I think he’s starting to understand that I know he’s human, that we’re both human, and that he can’t be perfect, and that’s okay. And not just him, but I think I’m understanding that too. I place so much weight on whether or not he’s doing the things I’m telling him to do, I take things so personally. It’s a lot of pressure on him.

I ordered an extra large pizza, garlic knots, and chicken wings from Papa John’s a few days ago and have finally finished off the last of it. I think it was creating a brain fog kind of situation, as well as not really helping with allergies. So now that that’s done, maybe (hopefully) I’ll be better about eating cleaner moving forward.

I think the challenge is that I’m lonely. I spend so much time on my phone because all of my friends are on my phone- I don’t SEE any of my friends or spend time with any of them. So I scroll through Tumblr mindlessly, I’ll do the same on Fetlife, I’ll reread text conversations because I’m lonely and I’m not doing anything else to fill my time. And really, I have A LOT to do. A LOT. There’s no shortage of things that I can do to occupy my time, but for some reason there’s some barrier. I “should” do this thing first and THEN I can do the less tedious things. Like, I don’t know why I haven’t vacuumed. I don’t know what it is I “should” do before I can vacuum. But I haven’t vacuumed, and I don’t typically. mind vacuuming. Same with scrubbing the floor because it’s a MESS.

In any case, moving forward I’d like to restrict the amount of time I’m blogging. Because I could spend HOURS doing this... I think 20 minutes of focused blogging time will be good. I’ll set a calendar reminder, and hopefully stick with it. Maybe blog every night at 11pm, because that’s when Devin is supposed to be journaling as well. Maybe we can both do it, and both increase self-awareness and contentment in our lives and ourselves and our relationships. We’ll see. 😊

April 12

Devin says he’s going to try to journal every night. Even if he devotes 20 minutes to it, it’s his plan to journal. He’s much more receptive to the relationship when he journals, he’s more receptive to me. When he journals, I feel like he sees me and pays attention to me much more. And I’m sure the same applies to me, to some level.

I saw Jocelyn today. It was a good session... I love how complimentary she is about the way I think about things, the away I process and the way I’m methodical about my relationship with Devin. Right now I’m in a brain fog- I felt really sharp during the session this morning, and earlier today, but right now I feel like I can’t concentrate. I’ve been eating a lot of sugar. Cake, pizza, chips, garlic knots, and I think that might be contributing to the fogginess. It’s helpful for me to write down the things Jocelyn and I talk about as soon afterwards as possible, so that I can refer back, so I’ll try to recall right now.

She shared a podcast with me, about how both people are adults and both people are children and how when one partner is in child mode, the other person has to be in adult mode. And they have to switch off for each other. The structure of the podcast could have been improved, definitely... They were very unclear about how “adult” and “child” were defined at the beginning of the podcast.

Dangit. Shame on me for not remembering that tumblr deletes what I write if I don’t save frequently. And I wrote more, and it was deleted. Grr. 😡

Big Goddess Energy

March 31

Today I feel uncertain. I’m in Virginia now, Devin is actually sleeping next to me. I’m not sure what we’re doing. I think we fell back into old habits too quickly... I don’t know what I expected but I guess I thought there would be more feeling of “magic”. We’re not pushing power exchange because I want to go slowly on that. We’ve had sex, he’s come a few times (ruined), we haven’t done any rope play or anything like that. I still feel distrustful and uncertain about what he wants, or how he feels about me or us or the relationship.

I wonder if trying to get back together was a mistake. If we should have just left things dead. I told him I wanted to talk to him about what we’re doing, and he was changing the subject like crazy. And never picked it back up. And now he’s asleep. His hand is on my waist and he’s sleeping.

I don’t know what I’d want. I don’t know what would make me happy right now. I don’t know what I expected from him that would feel better than what we’re doing currently.

I’m just feeling uncertain. I don’t know.

March 24

ARGH Tumblr is so useless. It’s so easy to accidentally get rid of a post when typing one on your iPad. Dangit. I was typing one for yesterday (for the third damn time) and I accidentally clicked out of the post window and everything I typed disappeared.

Anyway.

Today (yesterday) I feel optimistic. I had a really long call with Nia, and we talked about Devin and my style of dominance and the uphill battles of all the challenges we would face in our relationship. And it was really positive, in a strange way. She pointed out a lot of issues that I hadn’t considered (he’s an adult child of an addict, he’s going to be the first person in his entire family to ever bring home someone who isn’t white, he’s not going to feel comfortable relinquishing control because he doesn’t understand what he’s giving up control over because he’s never DONE a lot of the things I want to control) and there were a lot of things I had already considered, so just thinking about all of it and being aware of all of it felt really supportive.

She made a good point, though. Right now I have a lot of other stuff on my plate. I don’t have the capacity to be a big letter to a little letter who needs to much attention from me. I have so many things I need to focus on and I’m just not focusing. I’m avoiding, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m not being the way I’d ideally like to be in the other areas of my life.

March 23

Today I feel sad.  I didn’t do much, I threw away more wire fence pieces in the back yard.  I ordered pizza and watched 17 Again and Ironman 2.  Devin and I didn’t text too much, just a few texts at the very end of the day.  I told him to show me...  He keeps talking about how much he wants me back, how he would make all kinds of changes so that he could be with me again, and I told him that I don’t believe him at all.  So he’s going to have to show me first.  And when I’m convinced that he’s being sincere, then we can talk.  THEN we can figure out whether or not it’s worthwhile to keep trying to make this work.

I’m not confident he’ll do it.  I have very little confidence in him overall, really.  I think about Rich...  Rich was a small town person.  Very stuck, never traveled, didn’t think the world outside of Newport News, Virginia was worth seeing.  He didn’t even like Williamsburg.  I see that lack of interest or lack of a sense of adventure in Rich but I don’t see it in Devin.  And this might just be wishful thinking, or maybe it’s not a sense of adventure I’m seeing but flexibility, adaptability, and I think Devin has it.  I wonder if this is a product of his upbringing.  I really think Devin would enjoy living in different areas, bouncing around the country (or around the world) seeing new things and appreciating new things and learning new things.  But he’s young and he’s scared.

I’m still applying for jobs like crazy, I have a call with someone from USAA today to talk about a job I applied for (and was screened out of) several months ago.  Fingers crossed I can soon put this behind me!!  I graduate in less than two months and I’ve got NOTHING to go on.

March 22

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. I talked to Jocelyn about it this morning... I don’t like that I feel hopeful because I feel foolish and oblivious and emotionally masochistic and completely pathetic, but I’m hopeful nonetheless. Devin is still Devin. I can see that he’s starting to come to some realizations about himself and his life, he’s pushing himself to really look at his life situation instead of just accepting that what he has right now is perfect and nothing can be better, and that is huge growth which is awesome and exciting, but there’s still a HUGE curve.

I realized today that he really was ashamed of me. I don’t know exactly what it was... If it was my race or my age or my weight or the fact that I’m not meek/passive/shy at all, but he told me that if we got back together he would be proud of me. That hurt. A lot. Should I really have to beg my person to be proud of me. How is doing that good for ME, how does that help ME to feel good about this relationship. And this hasn’t been the first time. He’s told me several times that he wanted to share me with his people, that he owed it to me or he wanted other people to benefit from knowing me or he wanted me to benefit from knowing other people just like he’s benefitted from knowing my people. I don’t believe him. I don’t trust him. This just feels and sounds so hollow to me.

Devin asked if he could come to my graduation. I told him that the rules I had set in place before (he doesn’t meet anymore of my people until I meet his) are still in place, and he was quick to say that he didn’t see how he could make that happen before graduation. Which is ridiculous, considering I’m going to be in Virginia next weekend. So ya. Nothing changes. He’s still looking for excuses to protect himself, to have me but keep me as separate as possible.

I helped Amy’s mom move into her new apartment. And she gave me this beautiful quilt, and I’m so glad I went over there to help. We had dinner as well, we ordered a pizza and chicken wings and then I had chocolate cake and ice cream. It was REALLY nice. We watched The Addam’s Family, which I had never seen before.

I’m going to walk for my graduation. Corbin and I talked about it a fair amount... I’m going to walk and I’m going to make a big deal about attending graduation and I think I’m going to have a cookout on Sunday afternoon. I’m really excited. I’ve never been celebrated like this before, it’s going to feel really nice. AND it’s going to feel really different. I’m going to have to do a lot to clean the house over the next month to get ready for all of these people being here. But I’m looking forward to it, I’m looking forward to celebrating the past two years of my life with people who mean a lot to me.

I’m wallpapering the world with job applications. No hits yet, not even requests for interviews, but just like with this situation with Devin, hope springs eternal. I’ll keep plugging away at it, hoping for positivity somewhere.