Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

“You can’t choose your feelings. You can only choose between feeling them or going crazy.”

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“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

—

June 5

Today I feel wistful.

I met with Mary Jo about doing some potential consulting work while I’m in South Bend for the summer. It was really positive... I think she’s excited about the idea of potentially giving me some things to do to help her company out. I ended up going to the gym afterwards, because of my conversation with her, and that made me feel a ton better as well. I drove home singing along to songs on my iPhone, the windows were down and the evening was cool, I was happy.

Devin disappointed me today. He had inventory this morning, so he was at work by 445am. I sent him a message last night, that he read when he woke up. It had a list of things (some were just I love yous, some were reminders, some were requests) and he said he would respond to it when he could. Yesterday, he asked for a call sometime this afternoon, and I said okay. He was supposed to get off of work at 2pm, and he didn’t call. Or respond to my text. I messaged him at 445pm asking if he was still at work, and he said that he wasn’t. We didn’t call, he didn’t even ask to call until I was already at dinner. He didn’t get to the things on my list until I expressed my anger about it, and some of them were easy things: sending me a picture of his wrist.

I felt unworthy. I felt like he didn’t want the relationship I wanted, I felt like I’m not enough to keep him interested. Or enough for a submissive to want to be the partner I’d really like for them to be. This is something that happens time and time again with him, and I don’t know if it’s just him struggling with figuring out who or what he is or if it’s that he’s not a good fit for me. Or, I’m not a good fit for him. I’m not enough to help guide him to be the slave he says he wants to be.

It was a tough day. I wanted to share my excitement with him about dinner and about going to the gym, but I’m hurt. So I’m withholding. Which the Master I want to be would never do, which doesn’t help with these feelings of unworthiness, but I’m going to lick my wounds and try again tomorrow.

March 24

ARGH Tumblr is so useless. It’s so easy to accidentally get rid of a post when typing one on your iPad. Dangit. I was typing one for yesterday (for the third damn time) and I accidentally clicked out of the post window and everything I typed disappeared.

Anyway.

Today (yesterday) I feel optimistic. I had a really long call with Nia, and we talked about Devin and my style of dominance and the uphill battles of all the challenges we would face in our relationship. And it was really positive, in a strange way. She pointed out a lot of issues that I hadn’t considered (he’s an adult child of an addict, he’s going to be the first person in his entire family to ever bring home someone who isn’t white, he’s not going to feel comfortable relinquishing control because he doesn’t understand what he’s giving up control over because he’s never DONE a lot of the things I want to control) and there were a lot of things I had already considered, so just thinking about all of it and being aware of all of it felt really supportive.

She made a good point, though. Right now I have a lot of other stuff on my plate. I don’t have the capacity to be a big letter to a little letter who needs to much attention from me. I have so many things I need to focus on and I’m just not focusing. I’m avoiding, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m not being the way I’d ideally like to be in the other areas of my life.

March 18

Today I feel regret. So much regret.

I miss him like crazy. I haven’t had the gut-wrenching sobbing fests like I had been initially, but it’s been the instantaneous crying today. I cried at Walmart. I cried in the driveway texting Juicy. I cried as I was tearing chicken to put into little sandwich bags. I cried in the shower. I cried looking at photos of him as I was transferring everything to a memory stick. And it only lasts for a few seconds, less than a minute each time, but it’s chronic. I miss him all the time.

It feels so terrible. I feel so terrible. Because I miss him all the time anyway, and now there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no end to look forward to, it’s just missing him until I stop missing him. I wish the relationship wouldn’t have ended. I wish I wouldn’t have been so... PROUD. I wish I would have been more patient with him, more kind. Because he is SO kind. He is SO sweet, so kind, he’s wholesome and refreshing in a way that I’ve never known anyone else to be. (I’m crying again- another quick cry.) And even though I keep telling myself “I should have guided him through that conversation, I should have facilitated the discussion, I should have saved the relationship, he’s young and he depends on me for this stuff”, I also tell myself that I don’t KNOW that he didn’t want this. This relationship was overwhelming for him. This relationship made him feel like a terrible person. This relationship shamed him in lots of ways. He didn’t fight for this relationship. He was quick to return to being on the prowl after this relationship.

I just texted him. I said “this is really hard”. It’s 1208am and my guess is that he’s already sleeping, he’s getting ready for work in the morning since he typically has morning shifts. It’s the first time I’ve texted him since the night we broke up.

I don’t know how to think or how to feel about this. I just wish I would have been PATIENT. I wish I would have been more deliberate in telling him about ME, ensuring that he listens and understands. I wish I would have forced him into therapy a lot sooner. I wish I would have recognized and corrected his martyrdom much sooner, and thought of him stressing the “us versus the situation” mantra much sooner. I wish I would have had that weekend to think, to spend time with him.

I wish he would have talked to me about it before he showed up. I wish he would have tried to come up with other ideas. I wish he wouldn’t have changed his fetlife profile, and that he wouldn’t have liked that girl’s naked photo. I wish he would have told me that he wanted for us to stay together. And maybe he DID say it, but I wish he would have said it over and over until I heard it. He told me he loved me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.

I applied for a bunch of jobs today. Just googling “senior hr business partner” and typing in a state, and applying for jobs with companies I think would be interesting to work for. It’s draining... It’s emotionally draining.

I heard back from the guy I asked to go to the party with me to serve me, he decided he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’ve accepted that I’ll need to buy a bigger bridesmaid dress... There’s no amount of dieting over the course of the next 1.5 weeks that’s going to get that damn thing to fit.

I miss him. I miss him and I regret not working harder to keep him.

Love me as I am… Love me

Big Goddess Energy