Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

When he always believes you’re his queen...

The Love we all seek…

March 19

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. Devin responded to my text this morning, and it was sweet and aching and heartfelt and I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond. He told me that he missed me, he told me that he still loved me, he told me that he hated himself for not talking to me first, he told me he mailed me a package and it had a letter in it that didn’t say much aside from wanting to talk to me. I miss him so much. It’s painful how much I miss him.

I haven’t cried today. It was the first day I haven’t cried, and I know it’s because I’m hopeful. I’ve caught myself goofy smiling thinking about things, remembering things, because my mind has already gone to “we’re going to do this again” or “the next time I see him I’m going to make sure this happens” and it’s REALLY hard. Because nothing has changed except that we’re a little older and our hearts are a little more bruised. But hope is a feeling, and I can’t make myself stop feeling a feeling, even if I want to. Even if I know that being hopeful is going to make all of this hurt so much more.

Today was the first day of class. And I bought my cap and gown today for graduation. I’ve decided I want to be celebrated after all. I want to invite people and send out invitations and make it a thing. Because I’m graduating from Notre Dame with my MBA and that’s fucking awesome. Because I struggled for a REALLY long time with academics and finances and my career direction and I’m achieving a huge milestone that I can be incredibly proud of.

June 17

Woke up around 805am, got out of bed at maybe 930am. I went to bed last night feeling really down about myself and about my relationship, just SO many feelings swirling. Right now I feel a little numb... Just not as in touch with my feelings as I was then. Big plans for today: send some important emails I’ve been dragging feet on for weeks, yoga, cardio, heading over to Amy’s to help powerwash her deck for her party this weekend.

Devin is young. And not very experienced in life, and comes from money, and I know that in my head but it’s hard dating someone like that when I take so much pride in my independence and the fact that I can afford the little things that I can afford. I spent over $1,000 within about three hours yesterday... I booked my flight for July, I reserved a rental car for the first few days of my trip, I booked an apartment for Virginia, I booked an apartment for DC, I still have to book one more hotel for the last night I’m in Virginia and figure out where I’m going to sleep while Devin is in DC (hopefully somewhere that doesn’t cost any money). I told Devin about the things that were booked, I forwarded along the apartment information, and he didn’t acknowledge any of it. He was so in his own feelings with how his work day went, and he takes things like hotel/apartment costs in stride anyway, and he didn’t say anything. And I felt hurt and unappreciated and bitter. The thought crossed my mind “if he’s not going to appreciate the money I’m spending to be there, then why am I spending it to be there... Would he even care if I cancelled”.

It’s hard. He just doesn’t know or understand. And he’ll likely never know or understand, because he’ll never be in a position where he won’t have money. I don’t know if having someone who’s on such the opposite spectrum of me when it comes to finances is a good idea... If I need someone who’s more like me so that they understand and can appreciate what I have and am capable of.

“She doesn’t want to hear that she is flawless. She wants to hear that she is loved regardless of her flaws.”

—

forget what they say. ignore them. there will always be idiots trying to bring you down. don’t listen to them. deep down, you know the truth. you’re special. even if you don’t feel it right now, you are. you’re divine. you’re a princess, you’re a queen. you deserve to be praised, adored, served and worshipped. is this what you want? because if it is, then you can have it. it’s not impossible, it’s not as hard as you think. forget what they told you your whole life: there’s nothing wrong about craving to pampered, obeyed, loved, adored, served. on the contrary, that’s just beautiful. and if you possess this beauty inside you, it’s about time for you to allow yourself to enjoy it, to explore it, to own it. it’s all yours for the taken. this is not an impossible dream, this could be your reality. all you have to do is to embrace it. is this what you want? tell the world: do you want to be worshipped? 

“Remember you’re a goddess. A goddess doesn’t beg for love, she bestows it; and to only those who ask for it.”

— itsczarine7 (via wnq-writers)

November 30

Today I feel volatile. The day started out great, most of the day was great, and it just ended on such a sour note.

One of the dogs peed on the hardwood, and it got on the new rug. And I just got home from Amy’s and I’m tired and a little irritable as it is, and seeing that spot and knowing that the rug peeing will likely commence just made me so angry. I feel like I can never get ahead with these dogs, that they do nothing but add money and responsibility and burden. Just really frustrated.

Today was a good day, I had a quick call with David, which was really nice. He’s more real now, and more importantly I’m more real to him. I liked him, I liked his voice and his ability to laugh at himself. He was nice.

The bunny is coming over tomorrow... For a service visit. And I’m just not super enthused about it, I think because of David. I want an emotional connection, and I know I won’t have one with the bunny, so I wonder if a part of my brain/focus just turned off. Or was turned down. I haven’t made any lists or shared notes for him yet. And the idea of spending extended periods of time with him is still nice, I still think he’s super cute and super sweet, but it doesn’t charge me like it did before.

I’m less angry about the dogs. Still frustrated, I don’t know how to get them to fucking stop destroying the house, but less actively angry. Again, I’m already tired and I left Amy’s house feeling a little combative.

April 20

I feel disheartened.

It’s my own fault. I haven’t left my house yet today. I didn’t really leave the house yesterday either, aside from running to see the therapist. But today, I didn’t even leave to check the mail. I haven’t showered today, I’ve been eating all the things I’ve been telling myself not to eat (so many carbs), I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping and coughing (allergies- lots of gunk running down my throat), just not a stellar day. Which isn’t what I had expected- I was thinking I’d be able to get all kinds of things done today.

I worry about days like this... How am I supposed to be functional when I have a job. Or when I’m living with someone. If I can’t motivate myself to take care of myself even at a basic level- showering is pretty basic- how can I do so WITH someone. How can I create the environment I need to be successful in a demanding career.

What’s been helpful in the past is listing the things I’d like to get done. Acknowledging them helps me to want to address them sometimes. So things to do: write a strategic writing paper, write a bad news letter, write a white paper on AI and resume screening, create a persuasive presentation, vacuum, scrub the floors, give the dogs baths and haircuts, fold laundry, wash laundry, prepare some healthy meals, tidy up, pick up poop in the back yard, mow the lawn, put down some grass seeds, plant flowers, box up the kink toys to take to Amy’s, get some flooring done. There are so many options for things to work on, and instead of starting on a small one I’m looking at the big ones (the papers) and choosing to do nothing about them. I keep telling myself “tomorrow” or “later this afternoon” or “tonight”.

Taking my medication regularly has definitely helped, but there’s still a struggle with just WILL. How do I propel myself to just DO it.

The day isn’t over, there’s still time to turn things around. I think there’s something about sitting in the chair I’m sitting in... It’s become a spot I go to for procrastination. Just killing time. Maybe I’ll try sitting at a different seat at the table.