Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

June 21

Rough few days.

Devin bought a gun earlier this week. He told me at the end of last month that he couldn’t visit me in June because he couldn’t afford it, and that week he bought an $80 axe and $75 sunglasses. Just purchases on whims, because there was a good sale and he wanted them. And $155 certainly doesn’t equal the amount he would have paid for a plane ticket, but a gun sure as hell does. It hurt. A lot. I spent so much money a few days ago to prepare for my trip to see him in July and he didn’t acknowledge any of that, and yet he’s completely unwilling to spend any of HIS time or money to come out to see ME. He’s angry with me about it, too... He feels guilty, and he’s angry that I’m not consoling his feelings. He says I was being vindictive and wrong because I’m telling him how terrible I feel, all of the questions and doubts that his behavior has caused.

Amy and I are spatting as well. I told her about a job interview that didn’t go well for me, and instead of any kind of empathy, she launched into telling me what I should have done. It’s standard Amy behavior, she likes telling me what to do, but in that moment I was really hurt. And insulted. And when I told her, her response was to tell me that my message was unnecessary. Me telling her how I felt was unnecessary. She sent a long message today that was basically excusing her behavior and turning the tables around on me, telling me how SHE felt about my message, and I responded with basically repeating how I felt.

I’m not sure how to feel about these important people in my life treating my feelings as inconsequential. I’m hurt, but shame on me for making THEM feel bad with my hurt. I wonder what that says about my judge of character, about the people I choose to surround myself with.

I’ve felt incredibly lonely as of late. Just hurt and lonely and worthless, considering I’m still unemployed and I haven’t heard anything about the consulting work I was hoping to have over the summer. I feel unloved and unwanted. How could these people I care about so much care so little about ME, how could they be so apathetic about the fact that they’re hurting ME. Do I really only exist to make THEM feel good, is that really the only purpose I serve in their lives?

Psychology Daily - Quotes

April 12

Devin says he’s going to try to journal every night. Even if he devotes 20 minutes to it, it’s his plan to journal. He’s much more receptive to the relationship when he journals, he’s more receptive to me. When he journals, I feel like he sees me and pays attention to me much more. And I’m sure the same applies to me, to some level.

I saw Jocelyn today. It was a good session... I love how complimentary she is about the way I think about things, the away I process and the way I’m methodical about my relationship with Devin. Right now I’m in a brain fog- I felt really sharp during the session this morning, and earlier today, but right now I feel like I can’t concentrate. I’ve been eating a lot of sugar. Cake, pizza, chips, garlic knots, and I think that might be contributing to the fogginess. It’s helpful for me to write down the things Jocelyn and I talk about as soon afterwards as possible, so that I can refer back, so I’ll try to recall right now.

She shared a podcast with me, about how both people are adults and both people are children and how when one partner is in child mode, the other person has to be in adult mode. And they have to switch off for each other. The structure of the podcast could have been improved, definitely... They were very unclear about how “adult” and “child” were defined at the beginning of the podcast.

Dangit. Shame on me for not remembering that tumblr deletes what I write if I don’t save frequently. And I wrote more, and it was deleted. Grr. 😡

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

—

April 23

Today I feel okay. Not stellar, not depressed, just okay. I completed my presentation (it went well, considering I only spent about two hours on it), I didn’t complete the white paper (five pages single spaced and I naively thought I could finish the whole damn thing in three hours), I had forgotten about a cardiology appointment so I had to duck out of a lecture early (one I was really looking forward to hearing). Things with Devin and I were sweet... We texted back and forth throughout the day, which was nice. We had a short call at the end of the night, where he asked me to sing to him, which I found painfully sweet. ❤️ He just sounded so wistful, I think it’s because I had just corrected him and reminded him that he is a submissive.

House is meh. I got a lot of things done yesterday, which felt really satisfying. I didn’t sleep a lot- intentions of working on the presentation as well as making headway on the paper- so I napped as soon as I got home from the doctor. I’ve been trying to eat more tuna, just because it’s inexpensive and it’s a lot healthier than other meal choices I could be making. Tuna and fruit/spinach smoothies. Hopefully it helps with weight loss and brain fog and just helping me to FEEL better.

I’ve been consistent about taking my meds- Corbin has been helping me to be consistent about taking my meds. It’s made a huge difference, I just have a more positive affect. I’m more hopeful with meds. Which makes me a little suspicious of whether my “positive attitude” that I’m always complimented for is really ME or if its the drugs, a conversation I’ve had with my psychiatrist in the past.