April 12

🐰🐣🌸

I feel amazing!!!

I’m not sure what happened this morning, but I’ve been getting things DONE! Last night I didn’t do too much, just made some notes on things that Devin and I could talk about in couple’s therapy, but today I was out of the house (showered too!) by 11am, drove to the gas station to fill my little gas container, and started my lawn mower for the first time since I bought the damn thing two years ago. I mowed the front yard, seeded the front yard, and then mowed about 75% of the back yard (lots of poop to pick up, as well as trash that’s blown in from the dumpsters at the restaurants on the other side of my fence). I’m going to pick up the trash, finish mowing, and then seed the back yard as well! It’s supposed to rain in a few days, so it’ll be a good time to put the seeds down and hopefully have some grass before my graduation barbecue next month.

Devin messaged to say that he’s on his way home from the camping trip... He’s lovey dovey like he usually is after returning from weekends of WiFi silence. It was sweet, he’s sweet. 😊 One thing I was thinking as I was cutting the grass is that it would be nice for him to be out here cutting my grass for me someday. Seeing him assume that responsibility, having us work on domestic types of home maintenance together.

“Remember you’re a goddess. A goddess doesn’t beg for love, she bestows it; and to only those who ask for it.”

— itsczarine7 (via wnq-writers)

*snort*

Psychology Daily - Quote

Love me as I am… Love me

March 23

Today I feel sad.  I didn’t do much, I threw away more wire fence pieces in the back yard.  I ordered pizza and watched 17 Again and Ironman 2.  Devin and I didn’t text too much, just a few texts at the very end of the day.  I told him to show me...  He keeps talking about how much he wants me back, how he would make all kinds of changes so that he could be with me again, and I told him that I don’t believe him at all.  So he’s going to have to show me first.  And when I’m convinced that he’s being sincere, then we can talk.  THEN we can figure out whether or not it’s worthwhile to keep trying to make this work.

I’m not confident he’ll do it.  I have very little confidence in him overall, really.  I think about Rich...  Rich was a small town person.  Very stuck, never traveled, didn’t think the world outside of Newport News, Virginia was worth seeing.  He didn’t even like Williamsburg.  I see that lack of interest or lack of a sense of adventure in Rich but I don’t see it in Devin.  And this might just be wishful thinking, or maybe it’s not a sense of adventure I’m seeing but flexibility, adaptability, and I think Devin has it.  I wonder if this is a product of his upbringing.  I really think Devin would enjoy living in different areas, bouncing around the country (or around the world) seeing new things and appreciating new things and learning new things.  But he’s young and he’s scared.

I’m still applying for jobs like crazy, I have a call with someone from USAA today to talk about a job I applied for (and was screened out of) several months ago.  Fingers crossed I can soon put this behind me!!  I graduate in less than two months and I’ve got NOTHING to go on.

What it means to treat yourself like a goddess

Taking a bath and actually taking the time to enjoy it, to clean yourself gently with care

Wearing jewelry that pleases you as well as clothing

Playing soothing nonvocal music

Drying yourself slowly paying attention to the beauty of every part of your body.

Let your hair down to be free

Being naked and feeling comfortable with your body (sleeping naked helps) and loving your body despite what you think

Makeup (or no makeup) make it a ritual to look as good as you do, even when your just putting skin care on and no makeup.

Lighting candles and incense of course

Bathing in moonlight (because of how much the moon represents fem energy and the goddess energies)

Eat healthy (as possible)

Realizing how strong woman really are

Accepting who you are as a women

Forgiveness of yourself (If you have scars, you deserve to tend to them like a child scraps their knee.)

How powerful you can be AND are.

Realizing the outer and inner beauty of yourself and those you love. 

Helping to lift others

The practice of self care and self love.

April 23

Today I feel okay. Not stellar, not depressed, just okay. I completed my presentation (it went well, considering I only spent about two hours on it), I didn’t complete the white paper (five pages single spaced and I naively thought I could finish the whole damn thing in three hours), I had forgotten about a cardiology appointment so I had to duck out of a lecture early (one I was really looking forward to hearing). Things with Devin and I were sweet... We texted back and forth throughout the day, which was nice. We had a short call at the end of the night, where he asked me to sing to him, which I found painfully sweet. ❤️ He just sounded so wistful, I think it’s because I had just corrected him and reminded him that he is a submissive.

House is meh. I got a lot of things done yesterday, which felt really satisfying. I didn’t sleep a lot- intentions of working on the presentation as well as making headway on the paper- so I napped as soon as I got home from the doctor. I’ve been trying to eat more tuna, just because it’s inexpensive and it’s a lot healthier than other meal choices I could be making. Tuna and fruit/spinach smoothies. Hopefully it helps with weight loss and brain fog and just helping me to FEEL better.

I’ve been consistent about taking my meds- Corbin has been helping me to be consistent about taking my meds. It’s made a huge difference, I just have a more positive affect. I’m more hopeful with meds. Which makes me a little suspicious of whether my “positive attitude” that I’m always complimented for is really ME or if its the drugs, a conversation I’ve had with my psychiatrist in the past.

Psychology Daily - Quotes

Reflections Of Eroticism