What It Means To Treat Yourself Like A Goddess

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Today I feel tired. I just finished a letter to Devin... I’m not sure what made me write it in the first place, but somehow the idea came into my brain and I did it. More of an attempt for him to know me, for him to understand who I am. Why I needed the things I needed, why I felt the way I felt about certain aspects of our relationship.

I cried so much today. I’m exhausted. It completely drained me, writing that letter. So many emotions were pulled out of me, and I want to send it to him. I want him to read it and never stand it, understand ME and know ME. Because some foolish part of my heart can’t accept that this is over. I keep thinking that if he just KNOWS me, if he UNDERSTANDS me and if he can SUPPORT me, then we’d be able to be back together. We’d be able to be happy. I didn’t say that in the letter, and I’m wondering if I should. I don’t really see the point in it. I stripped myself bare in that letter.

Classes start in two days. This was a really challenging spring break, but a much needed one. And I’m so glad I have Jocelyn- I would have been so lost without her to guide me through this mess. Similar to how things were last July.

I miss him. I hate being without him. I hate that he was HERE, he was HERE and I didn’t get to enjoy him. I waited eight weeks to see him for three hours, to be crushed and broken when he left me. And I hate that even with that, I still miss him. I still want him back. I still want him to be back in my bed and in my arms and I want his sweetness BACK.

Jocelyn reminded me of what I said to her when she asked me why I stayed. She reminded me of my reaction. I immediately teared up and I said “because when I’m with him, I’m REALLY happy. I feel REALLY good about myself, he makes me feel... Incredible. I’m just so happy.” And I miss feeling that way, I miss the way he could brighten me.

I’m holding my breath for him again. He suggested that he wanted to write me a letter, he suggested that he was going to mail me a package, and I don’t know how sincere or empty his words are, but I’m holding my breath for him nonetheless. Knowing him, he would text me before he sent me anything. He wouldn’t just surprise me with a letter or a package. And he hasn’t texted, so I think it’s safe to assume that nothing has come in the mail from him headed in my direction. That, and he’s slow to get things like this done. He stews, he ruminates, he makes tons of notes in tons of notebooks. If he’s going to send me anything, my guess is that it won’t be until sometime in April.

But I still want him to send me something anyway. I still want to know whether I’m important to him.

March 19

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. Devin responded to my text this morning, and it was sweet and aching and heartfelt and I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond. He told me that he missed me, he told me that he still loved me, he told me that he hated himself for not talking to me first, he told me he mailed me a package and it had a letter in it that didn’t say much aside from wanting to talk to me. I miss him so much. It’s painful how much I miss him.

I haven’t cried today. It was the first day I haven’t cried, and I know it’s because I’m hopeful. I’ve caught myself goofy smiling thinking about things, remembering things, because my mind has already gone to “we’re going to do this again” or “the next time I see him I’m going to make sure this happens” and it’s REALLY hard. Because nothing has changed except that we’re a little older and our hearts are a little more bruised. But hope is a feeling, and I can’t make myself stop feeling a feeling, even if I want to. Even if I know that being hopeful is going to make all of this hurt so much more.

Today was the first day of class. And I bought my cap and gown today for graduation. I’ve decided I want to be celebrated after all. I want to invite people and send out invitations and make it a thing. Because I’m graduating from Notre Dame with my MBA and that’s fucking awesome. Because I struggled for a REALLY long time with academics and finances and my career direction and I’m achieving a huge milestone that I can be incredibly proud of.

Love me as I am… Love me

*snort*

Psychology Daily - Quote

November 29

Today I feel really satisfied. It’s been productive... I put up most of my outdoor Christmas lights (though I want to put lights up around the windows, and there’s a small spot on the roof that needs new lights, and I want to put garland around the light pole), I chose a date to take the PMP exam, I registered for a prep course, I got the student loan deferment forms printed and will be filling them out and mailing them tomorrow (Amy printed them for me- they’re at her house right now), I filled out the information I needed to for individual health insurance for next year, I scheduled a STI screening for Monday (sorry Devin, just don’t trust you buddy), I set a mouse trap, I washed a bunch of dishes, I’m just getting things done. For some reason the barrier I feel when trying to get things done is smaller today, so I’m able to hop over it. I think it started with the Christmas decorations... Or maybe it was as I was lying in bed, I asked myself “if I didn’t have to apply for jobs today, what would I want to do?”

I met with my therapist on Wednesday, and she told me to just go with this feeling... That eventually, I WILL want to find a job but for now I just need to enjoy life a little. And I told her that I wasn’t enjoying it, because there’s always this little voice in the back of my head whispering “you should be applying for jobs, you’re running out of money, there are all these things you need to get done and you can’t do fun things until you’ve gotten them done” so I’m just not leaning into the fun things like I could be. So I’m not applying for jobs, but I’m not getting anything else done because I feel like I CAN’T get them done until after I’ve applied for some jobs, which means I’m really not doing much of anything. So Wednesday was a fantastic session. It even got me to journal in here. 😊

I’ve been thinking about Devin a lot today... Must be a good day to process. I haven’t cried about him in weeks, and I didn’t cry today, but I’ve just been thinking a lot. Remembering the bullshit he said/did that I forgave him for, and my negative voice has been whispering, trying to make me feel bad, and it’s tough to not listen to him. Because really, I worked hard in that relationship. I found a boy, I loved him, and I worked hard to be true to that love, even though he wasn’t where I was. I loved him, I LOVED him in a way I was really proud to love him, and it’s not that I chose badly, because I truly believe that there’s this person he could be who is the perfect person for me. But he wasn’t ready to reach for that person, and that’s okay. Because MAN, can I love. ❤️

April 23

Today I feel okay. Not stellar, not depressed, just okay. I completed my presentation (it went well, considering I only spent about two hours on it), I didn’t complete the white paper (five pages single spaced and I naively thought I could finish the whole damn thing in three hours), I had forgotten about a cardiology appointment so I had to duck out of a lecture early (one I was really looking forward to hearing). Things with Devin and I were sweet... We texted back and forth throughout the day, which was nice. We had a short call at the end of the night, where he asked me to sing to him, which I found painfully sweet. ❤️ He just sounded so wistful, I think it’s because I had just corrected him and reminded him that he is a submissive.

House is meh. I got a lot of things done yesterday, which felt really satisfying. I didn’t sleep a lot- intentions of working on the presentation as well as making headway on the paper- so I napped as soon as I got home from the doctor. I’ve been trying to eat more tuna, just because it’s inexpensive and it’s a lot healthier than other meal choices I could be making. Tuna and fruit/spinach smoothies. Hopefully it helps with weight loss and brain fog and just helping me to FEEL better.

I’ve been consistent about taking my meds- Corbin has been helping me to be consistent about taking my meds. It’s made a huge difference, I just have a more positive affect. I’m more hopeful with meds. Which makes me a little suspicious of whether my “positive attitude” that I’m always complimented for is really ME or if its the drugs, a conversation I’ve had with my psychiatrist in the past.

April 25

Today I feel better.

Things with Devin and I are still going really well, he makes me happy. He’s so damn SWEET. I was talking to Florida Matt about him, and I realized how very service-oriented Devin is. And this could be because of me pushing him to be this way, but he’s following along. He’s doing it, he’s my little slave. ❤️

I had a conversation with someone from USAA, which felt AMAZING. Just really positive, like he was definitely willing to help me out!! Which I LOVED. I feel more positive about potentially getting a job with USAA, I’m so set on moving in that direction. I REALLY want USAA.

Classes are meh. But not as desolate as I felt about them yesterday, so that’s an improvement. The house is still in shambles, the dogs keep peeing in the same spot on the floor so the floor boards are warping, there’s still lots of improvement to be done over the next few weeks/months, but I’m feeling more positive about it.

I love Devin so much. I love love love him. I don’t know what’s happened, but I feel so much less anxious in our relationship now. I just feel more secure in it, I’m not sure why. I wonder if he feels the same way. I’ll ask him about it during next week’s checkin.