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Today I choose to be a Goddess.

“If you are not willing to look stupid, nothing great will ever happen to you.”

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forget what they say. ignore them. there will always be idiots trying to bring you down. don’t listen to them. deep down, you know the truth. you’re special. even if you don’t feel it right now, you are. you’re divine. you’re a princess, you’re a queen. you deserve to be praised, adored, served and worshipped. is this what you want? because if it is, then you can have it. it’s not impossible, it’s not as hard as you think. forget what they told you your whole life: there’s nothing wrong about craving to pampered, obeyed, loved, adored, served. on the contrary, that’s just beautiful. and if you possess this beauty inside you, it’s about time for you to allow yourself to enjoy it, to explore it, to own it. it’s all yours for the taken. this is not an impossible dream, this could be your reality. all you have to do is to embrace it. is this what you want? tell the world: do you want to be worshipped? 

March 18

Today I feel regret. So much regret.

I miss him like crazy. I haven’t had the gut-wrenching sobbing fests like I had been initially, but it’s been the instantaneous crying today. I cried at Walmart. I cried in the driveway texting Juicy. I cried as I was tearing chicken to put into little sandwich bags. I cried in the shower. I cried looking at photos of him as I was transferring everything to a memory stick. And it only lasts for a few seconds, less than a minute each time, but it’s chronic. I miss him all the time.

It feels so terrible. I feel so terrible. Because I miss him all the time anyway, and now there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no end to look forward to, it’s just missing him until I stop missing him. I wish the relationship wouldn’t have ended. I wish I wouldn’t have been so... PROUD. I wish I would have been more patient with him, more kind. Because he is SO kind. He is SO sweet, so kind, he’s wholesome and refreshing in a way that I’ve never known anyone else to be. (I’m crying again- another quick cry.) And even though I keep telling myself “I should have guided him through that conversation, I should have facilitated the discussion, I should have saved the relationship, he’s young and he depends on me for this stuff”, I also tell myself that I don’t KNOW that he didn’t want this. This relationship was overwhelming for him. This relationship made him feel like a terrible person. This relationship shamed him in lots of ways. He didn’t fight for this relationship. He was quick to return to being on the prowl after this relationship.

I just texted him. I said “this is really hard”. It’s 1208am and my guess is that he’s already sleeping, he’s getting ready for work in the morning since he typically has morning shifts. It’s the first time I’ve texted him since the night we broke up.

I don’t know how to think or how to feel about this. I just wish I would have been PATIENT. I wish I would have been more deliberate in telling him about ME, ensuring that he listens and understands. I wish I would have forced him into therapy a lot sooner. I wish I would have recognized and corrected his martyrdom much sooner, and thought of him stressing the “us versus the situation” mantra much sooner. I wish I would have had that weekend to think, to spend time with him.

I wish he would have talked to me about it before he showed up. I wish he would have tried to come up with other ideas. I wish he wouldn’t have changed his fetlife profile, and that he wouldn’t have liked that girl’s naked photo. I wish he would have told me that he wanted for us to stay together. And maybe he DID say it, but I wish he would have said it over and over until I heard it. He told me he loved me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.

I applied for a bunch of jobs today. Just googling “senior hr business partner” and typing in a state, and applying for jobs with companies I think would be interesting to work for. It’s draining... It’s emotionally draining.

I heard back from the guy I asked to go to the party with me to serve me, he decided he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’ve accepted that I’ll need to buy a bigger bridesmaid dress... There’s no amount of dieting over the course of the next 1.5 weeks that’s going to get that damn thing to fit.

I miss him. I miss him and I regret not working harder to keep him.

March 22

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. I talked to Jocelyn about it this morning... I don’t like that I feel hopeful because I feel foolish and oblivious and emotionally masochistic and completely pathetic, but I’m hopeful nonetheless. Devin is still Devin. I can see that he’s starting to come to some realizations about himself and his life, he’s pushing himself to really look at his life situation instead of just accepting that what he has right now is perfect and nothing can be better, and that is huge growth which is awesome and exciting, but there’s still a HUGE curve.

I realized today that he really was ashamed of me. I don’t know exactly what it was... If it was my race or my age or my weight or the fact that I’m not meek/passive/shy at all, but he told me that if we got back together he would be proud of me. That hurt. A lot. Should I really have to beg my person to be proud of me. How is doing that good for ME, how does that help ME to feel good about this relationship. And this hasn’t been the first time. He’s told me several times that he wanted to share me with his people, that he owed it to me or he wanted other people to benefit from knowing me or he wanted me to benefit from knowing other people just like he’s benefitted from knowing my people. I don’t believe him. I don’t trust him. This just feels and sounds so hollow to me.

Devin asked if he could come to my graduation. I told him that the rules I had set in place before (he doesn’t meet anymore of my people until I meet his) are still in place, and he was quick to say that he didn’t see how he could make that happen before graduation. Which is ridiculous, considering I’m going to be in Virginia next weekend. So ya. Nothing changes. He’s still looking for excuses to protect himself, to have me but keep me as separate as possible.

I helped Amy’s mom move into her new apartment. And she gave me this beautiful quilt, and I’m so glad I went over there to help. We had dinner as well, we ordered a pizza and chicken wings and then I had chocolate cake and ice cream. It was REALLY nice. We watched The Addam’s Family, which I had never seen before.

I’m going to walk for my graduation. Corbin and I talked about it a fair amount... I’m going to walk and I’m going to make a big deal about attending graduation and I think I’m going to have a cookout on Sunday afternoon. I’m really excited. I’ve never been celebrated like this before, it’s going to feel really nice. AND it’s going to feel really different. I’m going to have to do a lot to clean the house over the next month to get ready for all of these people being here. But I’m looking forward to it, I’m looking forward to celebrating the past two years of my life with people who mean a lot to me.

I’m wallpapering the world with job applications. No hits yet, not even requests for interviews, but just like with this situation with Devin, hope springs eternal. I’ll keep plugging away at it, hoping for positivity somewhere.

“She doesn’t want to hear that she is flawless. She wants to hear that she is loved regardless of her flaws.”

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March 21

Dangit, I typed something last night and then didn’t hit either save or post and Tumblr doesn’t default to saving posts as drafts so I lost it. Grrrr. I’ll try to remember what exactly I said.

Today I have a mixed bag of feelings. I feel rescued- I messaged Andrew about a $880 bill I received from a former therapist because apparently the insurance information wasn’t filed correctly, and he told me to send the bill to him and he would write a letter to the therapist and tell them to shove it. I feel frustrated- I’m still not having success with the job search, and it’s wearing on my self esteem. I thought I would have a lot of value to provide to a company, I thought I’d be a high commodity applicant since I have so much work experience and work experience that isn’t finance, but I haven’t been called in for an interview at all. I feel excited about classes- I’m taking two communications classes with the same Professor, which isn’t ideal but it means I have all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (aside from my Gender Equality seminar on Wednesdays) and she seems REALLY engaged. I think she really cares.

I feel uncertain about Devin. We messaged some more last night, the post I wrote about all of him belonging to me really moved him. I know he’s starting to understand that things are changing for him, that the happy times he thought he would have for forever by staying in Virginia are going to be different from what he’s remembered or experienced in the past. I don’t know. I’m the only person he’s ever dumped. He’s been willing to put up with all kinds of bullshit and he chose to leave THIS relationship, when I have tried really hard to be good to the both of us.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind… It was a good movie to watch, thinking about Devin and I. I might want to watch it again in a few days. Just lots of insight and it helped with self-reflection.

April 24

Today I feel unmotivated. I spent the entire day in the house- I slept a lot, I killed time playing with my phone, I skipped my gender equity class, I didn’t do anything around the house, I didn’t do any work on the papers I’m delinquent on... I did nothing. And it made me feel even worse about myself, not doing anything. I’m not sure what happened- why I was so disengaged yesterday. I just had no desire to do ANYTHING. I forget, frequently, that this is a rare opportunity for me to learn things, for me to take time off from a 40 hour work week. And that finding a job at this level takes a lot of effort on my part- just time and effort that I’m not investing into right now.

It feels overwhelming, thinking about all of the things I need to do. And I know that writing everything down will help a ton, but for some reason the idea of writing this down is also overwhelming. I think I’m afraid of seeing it. Who knows.

It’s just been a really unproductive, discouraging day.