Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

—

March 16

Today I feel conflicted. It’s difficult to accept all of the implications of not being in a relationship with Devin anymore. I think about all the things we had planned to do that we didn’t do... Sexual things, vanilla things, things we had intended on doing at some point in the future. I think about our dream house, or the trips we would have taken, collaring ceremonies or even the collars themselves. But even on a more granular level, I think about never touching him again. Never hearing him laugh or seeing the way his face looks when he’s concentrating on something. I’ll miss his patience, and his even-tempered ness.

I blocked him yesterday. When I realized he got onto fetlife the night after he dumped me to change his status to looking for a relationship and looking for a play partner. It hurt... Realizing it would take him no time whatsoever to bounce back. Thinking about him having meaningless sex or meaningless play with someone. And even though I blocked him, I keep thinking about if he’s reaching out to me- if he’s tried to contact me and he realizes that he’s been blocked. If he’d still want to write me a letter or mail me whatever gift he said he was going to mail that was leftover from Christmas. And if he did write the letter, if he would say anything I’d even want to hear. Or if it would just be more to hurt my feelings.

It’s hard though, especially at night. The times we’d likely talk to each other, it’s hard to not miss him in particular, to want to reach out to him or to just cry myself to sleep. It’s the time of night I’m most chatty with other friends, hoping to distract myself from missing him. Which is why I’ve just unblocked him on my iPad. Just in case.

I think about all the inspirational things I see on Tumblr. The inspirational stories I read on fetlife. I want to be that Goddess, I want to be that strong, confident woman who can move on quickly and easily. Who wouldn’t have let a relationship such as this one drain her dry for as long as this one drained me. My therapist keeps telling me to be very kind to myself, to treat myself gently as though I’m recovering from surgery. Just be very kind. And it’s tough to be. Chester is freaked out, and he’s trying to push me out of this funk with his “tough love” ways, and instead it’s just making me drown even more.

I spent the morning applying for jobs. I think I applied to ten, maybe. Lots of different companies, a few different locations. Two in Virginia, oddly enough. Part of me wonders (and is ashamed to wonder) if I’m considering positions in Virginia because of Devin. Because ultimately, regardless of where I find a job, even if it’s right next door to wherever he’s living, he’s not ready for me. He can’t accept me. He doesn’t know who he is and until he knows that and can accept that, he will not be able to give me the relationship I want.

It’s hard, ending a relationship and not being angry. Not feeling as though he’s the bad guy and he’s at fault. It’s just sad. It’s really fucking SAD. I don’t hate him at all. I love him and miss him and that foolish hopeless romantic part of me still thinks that he and I somehow have a chance. I keep thinking I can change, I can be more patient, I can adapt to wait for him to grow up. I can carry more of the weight of the relationship until he’s ready to shoulder it himself. I think this is the bargaining stage of the grief cycle.

June 17

Woke up around 805am, got out of bed at maybe 930am. I went to bed last night feeling really down about myself and about my relationship, just SO many feelings swirling. Right now I feel a little numb... Just not as in touch with my feelings as I was then. Big plans for today: send some important emails I’ve been dragging feet on for weeks, yoga, cardio, heading over to Amy’s to help powerwash her deck for her party this weekend.

Devin is young. And not very experienced in life, and comes from money, and I know that in my head but it’s hard dating someone like that when I take so much pride in my independence and the fact that I can afford the little things that I can afford. I spent over $1,000 within about three hours yesterday... I booked my flight for July, I reserved a rental car for the first few days of my trip, I booked an apartment for Virginia, I booked an apartment for DC, I still have to book one more hotel for the last night I’m in Virginia and figure out where I’m going to sleep while Devin is in DC (hopefully somewhere that doesn’t cost any money). I told Devin about the things that were booked, I forwarded along the apartment information, and he didn’t acknowledge any of it. He was so in his own feelings with how his work day went, and he takes things like hotel/apartment costs in stride anyway, and he didn’t say anything. And I felt hurt and unappreciated and bitter. The thought crossed my mind “if he’s not going to appreciate the money I’m spending to be there, then why am I spending it to be there... Would he even care if I cancelled”.

It’s hard. He just doesn’t know or understand. And he’ll likely never know or understand, because he’ll never be in a position where he won’t have money. I don’t know if having someone who’s on such the opposite spectrum of me when it comes to finances is a good idea... If I need someone who’s more like me so that they understand and can appreciate what I have and am capable of.

What it means to treat yourself like a goddess

Taking a bath and actually taking the time to enjoy it, to clean yourself gently with care

Wearing jewelry that pleases you as well as clothing

Playing soothing nonvocal music

Drying yourself slowly paying attention to the beauty of every part of your body.

Let your hair down to be free

Being naked and feeling comfortable with your body (sleeping naked helps) and loving your body despite what you think

Makeup (or no makeup) make it a ritual to look as good as you do, even when your just putting skin care on and no makeup.

Lighting candles and incense of course

Bathing in moonlight (because of how much the moon represents fem energy and the goddess energies)

Eat healthy (as possible)

Realizing how strong woman really are

Accepting who you are as a women

Forgiveness of yourself (If you have scars, you deserve to tend to them like a child scraps their knee.)

How powerful you can be AND are.

Realizing the outer and inner beauty of yourself and those you love. 

Helping to lift others

The practice of self care and self love.

Love me as I am… Love me

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

—

June 21

Rough few days.

Devin bought a gun earlier this week. He told me at the end of last month that he couldn’t visit me in June because he couldn’t afford it, and that week he bought an $80 axe and $75 sunglasses. Just purchases on whims, because there was a good sale and he wanted them. And $155 certainly doesn’t equal the amount he would have paid for a plane ticket, but a gun sure as hell does. It hurt. A lot. I spent so much money a few days ago to prepare for my trip to see him in July and he didn’t acknowledge any of that, and yet he’s completely unwilling to spend any of HIS time or money to come out to see ME. He’s angry with me about it, too... He feels guilty, and he’s angry that I’m not consoling his feelings. He says I was being vindictive and wrong because I’m telling him how terrible I feel, all of the questions and doubts that his behavior has caused.

Amy and I are spatting as well. I told her about a job interview that didn’t go well for me, and instead of any kind of empathy, she launched into telling me what I should have done. It’s standard Amy behavior, she likes telling me what to do, but in that moment I was really hurt. And insulted. And when I told her, her response was to tell me that my message was unnecessary. Me telling her how I felt was unnecessary. She sent a long message today that was basically excusing her behavior and turning the tables around on me, telling me how SHE felt about my message, and I responded with basically repeating how I felt.

I’m not sure how to feel about these important people in my life treating my feelings as inconsequential. I’m hurt, but shame on me for making THEM feel bad with my hurt. I wonder what that says about my judge of character, about the people I choose to surround myself with.

I’ve felt incredibly lonely as of late. Just hurt and lonely and worthless, considering I’m still unemployed and I haven’t heard anything about the consulting work I was hoping to have over the summer. I feel unloved and unwanted. How could these people I care about so much care so little about ME, how could they be so apathetic about the fact that they’re hurting ME. Do I really only exist to make THEM feel good, is that really the only purpose I serve in their lives?

March 24

ARGH Tumblr is so useless. It’s so easy to accidentally get rid of a post when typing one on your iPad. Dangit. I was typing one for yesterday (for the third damn time) and I accidentally clicked out of the post window and everything I typed disappeared.

Anyway.

Today (yesterday) I feel optimistic. I had a really long call with Nia, and we talked about Devin and my style of dominance and the uphill battles of all the challenges we would face in our relationship. And it was really positive, in a strange way. She pointed out a lot of issues that I hadn’t considered (he’s an adult child of an addict, he’s going to be the first person in his entire family to ever bring home someone who isn’t white, he’s not going to feel comfortable relinquishing control because he doesn’t understand what he’s giving up control over because he’s never DONE a lot of the things I want to control) and there were a lot of things I had already considered, so just thinking about all of it and being aware of all of it felt really supportive.

She made a good point, though. Right now I have a lot of other stuff on my plate. I don’t have the capacity to be a big letter to a little letter who needs to much attention from me. I have so many things I need to focus on and I’m just not focusing. I’m avoiding, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m not being the way I’d ideally like to be in the other areas of my life.

🐰🐣🌸

I feel amazing!!!

I’m not sure what happened this morning, but I’ve been getting things DONE! Last night I didn’t do too much, just made some notes on things that Devin and I could talk about in couple’s therapy, but today I was out of the house (showered too!) by 11am, drove to the gas station to fill my little gas container, and started my lawn mower for the first time since I bought the damn thing two years ago. I mowed the front yard, seeded the front yard, and then mowed about 75% of the back yard (lots of poop to pick up, as well as trash that’s blown in from the dumpsters at the restaurants on the other side of my fence). I’m going to pick up the trash, finish mowing, and then seed the back yard as well! It’s supposed to rain in a few days, so it’ll be a good time to put the seeds down and hopefully have some grass before my graduation barbecue next month.

Devin messaged to say that he’s on his way home from the camping trip... He’s lovey dovey like he usually is after returning from weekends of WiFi silence. It was sweet, he’s sweet. 😊 One thing I was thinking as I was cutting the grass is that it would be nice for him to be out here cutting my grass for me someday. Seeing him assume that responsibility, having us work on domestic types of home maintenance together.