Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

—

Psychology Daily - Quotes

April 27

Today I feel pretty good!! Not great (still not able to push myself to get some of this school work done that needs to be done, and as a result I’m not doing ANYTHING but wasting time) but I was social tonight... I went to Amy’s house for a BDSM 101 discussion. It was so great spending time with her! The rest of the people there were meh, I would have been just as happy if none of them were there (some of them I would have been much happier if they hadn’t showed up at all) but it was great seeing Amy again. I was about to type “I’m amazed she’s friends with me... She’s so charismatic and could be friends with anyone, I’m surprised she would choose to be friends with me” and part of me legitimately feels that way, but either way I’m glad we’re friends.

I just don’t WANT to write these damn papers. I think that’s the problem... I just don’t WANT to do it. And it’s childish and ridiculous and I know that deciding not to write it is hugely detrimental to my future (and I just need to finish out another TEN DAYS and then I’m DONE with this program!) but I just don’t WANT to do it. It’s really challenging.

But! Things with Devin and I are good, I’m happy with our relationship. I’m going to mention to him during our weekly check-in call that he has a habit of immediately complaining, immediately talking about why things won’t work and all the things that could go wrong, and that it’s definitely human nature, but that it’s difficult for me to feel positive about whatever I’m talking about, or to continue to try to come up with ideas or suggestions, if the first thing I’m met with is negativity from him. I think it’s going to be an ongoing process, and will definitely be a change to the way he currently thinks, but it would make such a huge difference. For me, anyway.

April 24

Today I feel unmotivated. I spent the entire day in the house- I slept a lot, I killed time playing with my phone, I skipped my gender equity class, I didn’t do anything around the house, I didn’t do any work on the papers I’m delinquent on... I did nothing. And it made me feel even worse about myself, not doing anything. I’m not sure what happened- why I was so disengaged yesterday. I just had no desire to do ANYTHING. I forget, frequently, that this is a rare opportunity for me to learn things, for me to take time off from a 40 hour work week. And that finding a job at this level takes a lot of effort on my part- just time and effort that I’m not investing into right now.

It feels overwhelming, thinking about all of the things I need to do. And I know that writing everything down will help a ton, but for some reason the idea of writing this down is also overwhelming. I think I’m afraid of seeing it. Who knows.

It’s just been a really unproductive, discouraging day.

May 28

So a lot has changed... I’ve since graduated, and I’m unemployed. My worst nightmare has come true, and yet I’m still alive and well to tell the tale about it. I’m going to be staying in South Bend for a few weeks (months) until I have a job lined up. I was really panicked about it, really anxious and stressed and just using it to evaluate my self-worth like crazy, but for some reason all of that has faded and I’ve just ACCEPTED the circumstances. Which is nice.

Things with Devin and I are going much better. He’s collared now, he’s officially under consideration. I have no idea what that means to him. When we were together, things were great. He tried really hard. Now that he’s back in Virginia, he’s just gotten REALLY lazy. REALLY unwilling to do the things I ask of him. Most of them are little things (in my mind)... Things like daily journaling. Or anal stretching so that we can actually have the pegging sessions I want to have. He’s responsible for monthly contract reviews, for us to reread and talk about the contract we signed when he put the collar on. He typically tells me when he’s spending time with friends, but I’m noticing that he’s really selective about the friends he’s telling me he’s spending time with. We went to the Power Exchange Summit a few weeks ago and it was fantastic. I think he got a lot out of it. One of the sessions I attended said that challenges with control usually aren’t a struggle within the relationship but are a struggle within the bottom.

I don’t feel as though I can just tell him what to do, that I can say “you’re slipping, moving forward you’re going to do this” because I don’t think he’s going to do it. And THEN what do I do. It’s the constant mental struggle I have, it’s the number one reason leading (or maybe just leading HIM) is so difficult. Because he’s lied to me before. He’s ignored tasks, he’s ignored punishments, he’s just WAY doing his own thing on his own time and disregarding the expectations of the relationship.

It’s hard. I know he’s learning, I know he’s young and trying to individualize, I know he wants to be good but he’s just not willing to do a lot of the work it takes to be good. So what do I do with him given this circumstance. I have no idea.

June 21

Rough few days.

Devin bought a gun earlier this week. He told me at the end of last month that he couldn’t visit me in June because he couldn’t afford it, and that week he bought an $80 axe and $75 sunglasses. Just purchases on whims, because there was a good sale and he wanted them. And $155 certainly doesn’t equal the amount he would have paid for a plane ticket, but a gun sure as hell does. It hurt. A lot. I spent so much money a few days ago to prepare for my trip to see him in July and he didn’t acknowledge any of that, and yet he’s completely unwilling to spend any of HIS time or money to come out to see ME. He’s angry with me about it, too... He feels guilty, and he’s angry that I’m not consoling his feelings. He says I was being vindictive and wrong because I’m telling him how terrible I feel, all of the questions and doubts that his behavior has caused.

Amy and I are spatting as well. I told her about a job interview that didn’t go well for me, and instead of any kind of empathy, she launched into telling me what I should have done. It’s standard Amy behavior, she likes telling me what to do, but in that moment I was really hurt. And insulted. And when I told her, her response was to tell me that my message was unnecessary. Me telling her how I felt was unnecessary. She sent a long message today that was basically excusing her behavior and turning the tables around on me, telling me how SHE felt about my message, and I responded with basically repeating how I felt.

I’m not sure how to feel about these important people in my life treating my feelings as inconsequential. I’m hurt, but shame on me for making THEM feel bad with my hurt. I wonder what that says about my judge of character, about the people I choose to surround myself with.

I’ve felt incredibly lonely as of late. Just hurt and lonely and worthless, considering I’m still unemployed and I haven’t heard anything about the consulting work I was hoping to have over the summer. I feel unloved and unwanted. How could these people I care about so much care so little about ME, how could they be so apathetic about the fact that they’re hurting ME. Do I really only exist to make THEM feel good, is that really the only purpose I serve in their lives?