June 17

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

—

March 19

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. Devin responded to my text this morning, and it was sweet and aching and heartfelt and I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond. He told me that he missed me, he told me that he still loved me, he told me that he hated himself for not talking to me first, he told me he mailed me a package and it had a letter in it that didn’t say much aside from wanting to talk to me. I miss him so much. It’s painful how much I miss him.

I haven’t cried today. It was the first day I haven’t cried, and I know it’s because I’m hopeful. I’ve caught myself goofy smiling thinking about things, remembering things, because my mind has already gone to “we’re going to do this again” or “the next time I see him I’m going to make sure this happens” and it’s REALLY hard. Because nothing has changed except that we’re a little older and our hearts are a little more bruised. But hope is a feeling, and I can’t make myself stop feeling a feeling, even if I want to. Even if I know that being hopeful is going to make all of this hurt so much more.

Today was the first day of class. And I bought my cap and gown today for graduation. I’ve decided I want to be celebrated after all. I want to invite people and send out invitations and make it a thing. Because I’m graduating from Notre Dame with my MBA and that’s fucking awesome. Because I struggled for a REALLY long time with academics and finances and my career direction and I’m achieving a huge milestone that I can be incredibly proud of.

April 20

I feel disheartened.

It’s my own fault. I haven’t left my house yet today. I didn’t really leave the house yesterday either, aside from running to see the therapist. But today, I didn’t even leave to check the mail. I haven’t showered today, I’ve been eating all the things I’ve been telling myself not to eat (so many carbs), I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping and coughing (allergies- lots of gunk running down my throat), just not a stellar day. Which isn’t what I had expected- I was thinking I’d be able to get all kinds of things done today.

I worry about days like this... How am I supposed to be functional when I have a job. Or when I’m living with someone. If I can’t motivate myself to take care of myself even at a basic level- showering is pretty basic- how can I do so WITH someone. How can I create the environment I need to be successful in a demanding career.

What’s been helpful in the past is listing the things I’d like to get done. Acknowledging them helps me to want to address them sometimes. So things to do: write a strategic writing paper, write a bad news letter, write a white paper on AI and resume screening, create a persuasive presentation, vacuum, scrub the floors, give the dogs baths and haircuts, fold laundry, wash laundry, prepare some healthy meals, tidy up, pick up poop in the back yard, mow the lawn, put down some grass seeds, plant flowers, box up the kink toys to take to Amy’s, get some flooring done. There are so many options for things to work on, and instead of starting on a small one I’m looking at the big ones (the papers) and choosing to do nothing about them. I keep telling myself “tomorrow” or “later this afternoon” or “tonight”.

Taking my medication regularly has definitely helped, but there’s still a struggle with just WILL. How do I propel myself to just DO it.

The day isn’t over, there’s still time to turn things around. I think there’s something about sitting in the chair I’m sitting in... It’s become a spot I go to for procrastination. Just killing time. Maybe I’ll try sitting at a different seat at the table.

June 21

Rough few days.

Devin bought a gun earlier this week. He told me at the end of last month that he couldn’t visit me in June because he couldn’t afford it, and that week he bought an $80 axe and $75 sunglasses. Just purchases on whims, because there was a good sale and he wanted them. And $155 certainly doesn’t equal the amount he would have paid for a plane ticket, but a gun sure as hell does. It hurt. A lot. I spent so much money a few days ago to prepare for my trip to see him in July and he didn’t acknowledge any of that, and yet he’s completely unwilling to spend any of HIS time or money to come out to see ME. He’s angry with me about it, too... He feels guilty, and he’s angry that I’m not consoling his feelings. He says I was being vindictive and wrong because I’m telling him how terrible I feel, all of the questions and doubts that his behavior has caused.

Amy and I are spatting as well. I told her about a job interview that didn’t go well for me, and instead of any kind of empathy, she launched into telling me what I should have done. It’s standard Amy behavior, she likes telling me what to do, but in that moment I was really hurt. And insulted. And when I told her, her response was to tell me that my message was unnecessary. Me telling her how I felt was unnecessary. She sent a long message today that was basically excusing her behavior and turning the tables around on me, telling me how SHE felt about my message, and I responded with basically repeating how I felt.

I’m not sure how to feel about these important people in my life treating my feelings as inconsequential. I’m hurt, but shame on me for making THEM feel bad with my hurt. I wonder what that says about my judge of character, about the people I choose to surround myself with.

I’ve felt incredibly lonely as of late. Just hurt and lonely and worthless, considering I’m still unemployed and I haven’t heard anything about the consulting work I was hoping to have over the summer. I feel unloved and unwanted. How could these people I care about so much care so little about ME, how could they be so apathetic about the fact that they’re hurting ME. Do I really only exist to make THEM feel good, is that really the only purpose I serve in their lives?

April 15

Today I feel really positive. Which is crazy, because I haven’t showered in four days, I’m four papers behind in classes, I have a lot to do around the house, I’m broke, I’m unemployed, I’m getting my butt kicked by allergies, and I’m neglecting the health and care of both my dogs and myself. But I’m feeling positive.

I have a job interview scheduled for Wednesday. It was initially scheduled for today but my allergies just weren’t cooperating. I WANT to be better. I WANT to get my work done, I WANT to get my finances inline, I WANT to eat healthy and exercise and take care of my house. And I think the desire to be better or to do more is so important- there have been times when I don’t want to, and then it feels almost impossible to get any changes made or real action taken.

Devin and I are doing REALLY well!! We’re talking... Like, really talking. And it feels amazing. Like New Relationship Energy all over again. I think he might feel more comfortable being honest with me about when he’s not going to get something done, or when he wants to change something or push back on something. I think he’s starting to understand that I know he’s human, that we’re both human, and that he can’t be perfect, and that’s okay. And not just him, but I think I’m understanding that too. I place so much weight on whether or not he’s doing the things I’m telling him to do, I take things so personally. It’s a lot of pressure on him.

I ordered an extra large pizza, garlic knots, and chicken wings from Papa John’s a few days ago and have finally finished off the last of it. I think it was creating a brain fog kind of situation, as well as not really helping with allergies. So now that that’s done, maybe (hopefully) I’ll be better about eating cleaner moving forward.

I think the challenge is that I’m lonely. I spend so much time on my phone because all of my friends are on my phone- I don’t SEE any of my friends or spend time with any of them. So I scroll through Tumblr mindlessly, I’ll do the same on Fetlife, I’ll reread text conversations because I’m lonely and I’m not doing anything else to fill my time. And really, I have A LOT to do. A LOT. There’s no shortage of things that I can do to occupy my time, but for some reason there’s some barrier. I “should” do this thing first and THEN I can do the less tedious things. Like, I don’t know why I haven’t vacuumed. I don’t know what it is I “should” do before I can vacuum. But I haven’t vacuumed, and I don’t typically. mind vacuuming. Same with scrubbing the floor because it’s a MESS.

In any case, moving forward I’d like to restrict the amount of time I’m blogging. Because I could spend HOURS doing this... I think 20 minutes of focused blogging time will be good. I’ll set a calendar reminder, and hopefully stick with it. Maybe blog every night at 11pm, because that’s when Devin is supposed to be journaling as well. Maybe we can both do it, and both increase self-awareness and contentment in our lives and ourselves and our relationships. We’ll see. 😊

“Don’t worry if someone doesn’t like you. The truth is that most people are struggling to simply like themselves. Be true to yourself and you will find your tribe.”

—

But I’m not getting my hopes up!  No hopes here!  Don’t want to be too disappointed by rejection!  Haha!