But I’m Not Getting My Hopes Up!  No Hopes Here!  Don’t Want To Be Too Disappointed By Rejection!

April 17

Today I feel happy. I feel positive, I feel hopeful and really good. I had the job interview with McKesson today and I think it went really well- that helped me a lot with confidence as I’m slogging through these job applications. I’m applying for jobs with renewed energy, it’s really positive.

Things with Devin are also going well, I’m feeling positive there too. We’re having shorter calls during the day, usually when he’s driving to work or driving home. We talk for about 30-40 minutes at the time, unless he’s heading home and we sometimes talk once he’s at home as well.

This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

—

Big Goddess Energy

March 22

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. I talked to Jocelyn about it this morning... I don’t like that I feel hopeful because I feel foolish and oblivious and emotionally masochistic and completely pathetic, but I’m hopeful nonetheless. Devin is still Devin. I can see that he’s starting to come to some realizations about himself and his life, he’s pushing himself to really look at his life situation instead of just accepting that what he has right now is perfect and nothing can be better, and that is huge growth which is awesome and exciting, but there’s still a HUGE curve.

I realized today that he really was ashamed of me. I don’t know exactly what it was... If it was my race or my age or my weight or the fact that I’m not meek/passive/shy at all, but he told me that if we got back together he would be proud of me. That hurt. A lot. Should I really have to beg my person to be proud of me. How is doing that good for ME, how does that help ME to feel good about this relationship. And this hasn’t been the first time. He’s told me several times that he wanted to share me with his people, that he owed it to me or he wanted other people to benefit from knowing me or he wanted me to benefit from knowing other people just like he’s benefitted from knowing my people. I don’t believe him. I don’t trust him. This just feels and sounds so hollow to me.

Devin asked if he could come to my graduation. I told him that the rules I had set in place before (he doesn’t meet anymore of my people until I meet his) are still in place, and he was quick to say that he didn’t see how he could make that happen before graduation. Which is ridiculous, considering I’m going to be in Virginia next weekend. So ya. Nothing changes. He’s still looking for excuses to protect himself, to have me but keep me as separate as possible.

I helped Amy’s mom move into her new apartment. And she gave me this beautiful quilt, and I’m so glad I went over there to help. We had dinner as well, we ordered a pizza and chicken wings and then I had chocolate cake and ice cream. It was REALLY nice. We watched The Addam’s Family, which I had never seen before.

I’m going to walk for my graduation. Corbin and I talked about it a fair amount... I’m going to walk and I’m going to make a big deal about attending graduation and I think I’m going to have a cookout on Sunday afternoon. I’m really excited. I’ve never been celebrated like this before, it’s going to feel really nice. AND it’s going to feel really different. I’m going to have to do a lot to clean the house over the next month to get ready for all of these people being here. But I’m looking forward to it, I’m looking forward to celebrating the past two years of my life with people who mean a lot to me.

I’m wallpapering the world with job applications. No hits yet, not even requests for interviews, but just like with this situation with Devin, hope springs eternal. I’ll keep plugging away at it, hoping for positivity somewhere.

“A year ago, I would never have pictured the way my life is now.”

—

Today I choose to be a Goddess.

What it means to treat yourself like a goddess

Taking a bath and actually taking the time to enjoy it, to clean yourself gently with care

Wearing jewelry that pleases you as well as clothing

Playing soothing nonvocal music

Drying yourself slowly paying attention to the beauty of every part of your body.

Let your hair down to be free

Being naked and feeling comfortable with your body (sleeping naked helps) and loving your body despite what you think

Makeup (or no makeup) make it a ritual to look as good as you do, even when your just putting skin care on and no makeup.

Lighting candles and incense of course

Bathing in moonlight (because of how much the moon represents fem energy and the goddess energies)

Eat healthy (as possible)

Realizing how strong woman really are

Accepting who you are as a women

Forgiveness of yourself (If you have scars, you deserve to tend to them like a child scraps their knee.)

How powerful you can be AND are.

Realizing the outer and inner beauty of yourself and those you love. 

Helping to lift others

The practice of self care and self love.

April 20

I feel disheartened.

It’s my own fault. I haven’t left my house yet today. I didn’t really leave the house yesterday either, aside from running to see the therapist. But today, I didn’t even leave to check the mail. I haven’t showered today, I’ve been eating all the things I’ve been telling myself not to eat (so many carbs), I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping and coughing (allergies- lots of gunk running down my throat), just not a stellar day. Which isn’t what I had expected- I was thinking I’d be able to get all kinds of things done today.

I worry about days like this... How am I supposed to be functional when I have a job. Or when I’m living with someone. If I can’t motivate myself to take care of myself even at a basic level- showering is pretty basic- how can I do so WITH someone. How can I create the environment I need to be successful in a demanding career.

What’s been helpful in the past is listing the things I’d like to get done. Acknowledging them helps me to want to address them sometimes. So things to do: write a strategic writing paper, write a bad news letter, write a white paper on AI and resume screening, create a persuasive presentation, vacuum, scrub the floors, give the dogs baths and haircuts, fold laundry, wash laundry, prepare some healthy meals, tidy up, pick up poop in the back yard, mow the lawn, put down some grass seeds, plant flowers, box up the kink toys to take to Amy’s, get some flooring done. There are so many options for things to work on, and instead of starting on a small one I’m looking at the big ones (the papers) and choosing to do nothing about them. I keep telling myself “tomorrow” or “later this afternoon” or “tonight”.

Taking my medication regularly has definitely helped, but there’s still a struggle with just WILL. How do I propel myself to just DO it.

The day isn’t over, there’s still time to turn things around. I think there’s something about sitting in the chair I’m sitting in... It’s become a spot I go to for procrastination. Just killing time. Maybe I’ll try sitting at a different seat at the table.