Today I Choose To Be A Goddess.

*snort*

Psychology Daily - Quote

March 18

Today I feel regret. So much regret.

I miss him like crazy. I haven’t had the gut-wrenching sobbing fests like I had been initially, but it’s been the instantaneous crying today. I cried at Walmart. I cried in the driveway texting Juicy. I cried as I was tearing chicken to put into little sandwich bags. I cried in the shower. I cried looking at photos of him as I was transferring everything to a memory stick. And it only lasts for a few seconds, less than a minute each time, but it’s chronic. I miss him all the time.

It feels so terrible. I feel so terrible. Because I miss him all the time anyway, and now there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no end to look forward to, it’s just missing him until I stop missing him. I wish the relationship wouldn’t have ended. I wish I wouldn’t have been so... PROUD. I wish I would have been more patient with him, more kind. Because he is SO kind. He is SO sweet, so kind, he’s wholesome and refreshing in a way that I’ve never known anyone else to be. (I’m crying again- another quick cry.) And even though I keep telling myself “I should have guided him through that conversation, I should have facilitated the discussion, I should have saved the relationship, he’s young and he depends on me for this stuff”, I also tell myself that I don’t KNOW that he didn’t want this. This relationship was overwhelming for him. This relationship made him feel like a terrible person. This relationship shamed him in lots of ways. He didn’t fight for this relationship. He was quick to return to being on the prowl after this relationship.

I just texted him. I said “this is really hard”. It’s 1208am and my guess is that he’s already sleeping, he’s getting ready for work in the morning since he typically has morning shifts. It’s the first time I’ve texted him since the night we broke up.

I don’t know how to think or how to feel about this. I just wish I would have been PATIENT. I wish I would have been more deliberate in telling him about ME, ensuring that he listens and understands. I wish I would have forced him into therapy a lot sooner. I wish I would have recognized and corrected his martyrdom much sooner, and thought of him stressing the “us versus the situation” mantra much sooner. I wish I would have had that weekend to think, to spend time with him.

I wish he would have talked to me about it before he showed up. I wish he would have tried to come up with other ideas. I wish he wouldn’t have changed his fetlife profile, and that he wouldn’t have liked that girl’s naked photo. I wish he would have told me that he wanted for us to stay together. And maybe he DID say it, but I wish he would have said it over and over until I heard it. He told me he loved me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.

I applied for a bunch of jobs today. Just googling “senior hr business partner” and typing in a state, and applying for jobs with companies I think would be interesting to work for. It’s draining... It’s emotionally draining.

I heard back from the guy I asked to go to the party with me to serve me, he decided he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’ve accepted that I’ll need to buy a bigger bridesmaid dress... There’s no amount of dieting over the course of the next 1.5 weeks that’s going to get that damn thing to fit.

I miss him. I miss him and I regret not working harder to keep him.

This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

—

November 29

Today I feel really satisfied. It’s been productive... I put up most of my outdoor Christmas lights (though I want to put lights up around the windows, and there’s a small spot on the roof that needs new lights, and I want to put garland around the light pole), I chose a date to take the PMP exam, I registered for a prep course, I got the student loan deferment forms printed and will be filling them out and mailing them tomorrow (Amy printed them for me- they’re at her house right now), I filled out the information I needed to for individual health insurance for next year, I scheduled a STI screening for Monday (sorry Devin, just don’t trust you buddy), I set a mouse trap, I washed a bunch of dishes, I’m just getting things done. For some reason the barrier I feel when trying to get things done is smaller today, so I’m able to hop over it. I think it started with the Christmas decorations... Or maybe it was as I was lying in bed, I asked myself “if I didn’t have to apply for jobs today, what would I want to do?”

I met with my therapist on Wednesday, and she told me to just go with this feeling... That eventually, I WILL want to find a job but for now I just need to enjoy life a little. And I told her that I wasn’t enjoying it, because there’s always this little voice in the back of my head whispering “you should be applying for jobs, you’re running out of money, there are all these things you need to get done and you can’t do fun things until you’ve gotten them done” so I’m just not leaning into the fun things like I could be. So I’m not applying for jobs, but I’m not getting anything else done because I feel like I CAN’T get them done until after I’ve applied for some jobs, which means I’m really not doing much of anything. So Wednesday was a fantastic session. It even got me to journal in here. 😊

I’ve been thinking about Devin a lot today... Must be a good day to process. I haven’t cried about him in weeks, and I didn’t cry today, but I’ve just been thinking a lot. Remembering the bullshit he said/did that I forgave him for, and my negative voice has been whispering, trying to make me feel bad, and it’s tough to not listen to him. Because really, I worked hard in that relationship. I found a boy, I loved him, and I worked hard to be true to that love, even though he wasn’t where I was. I loved him, I LOVED him in a way I was really proud to love him, and it’s not that I chose badly, because I truly believe that there’s this person he could be who is the perfect person for me. But he wasn’t ready to reach for that person, and that’s okay. Because MAN, can I love. ❤️

“Don’t worry if someone doesn’t like you. The truth is that most people are struggling to simply like themselves. Be true to yourself and you will find your tribe.”

—

Psychology Daily - Quotes