Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

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Today I feel tired. I just finished a letter to Devin... I’m not sure what made me write it in the first place, but somehow the idea came into my brain and I did it. More of an attempt for him to know me, for him to understand who I am. Why I needed the things I needed, why I felt the way I felt about certain aspects of our relationship.

I cried so much today. I’m exhausted. It completely drained me, writing that letter. So many emotions were pulled out of me, and I want to send it to him. I want him to read it and never stand it, understand ME and know ME. Because some foolish part of my heart can’t accept that this is over. I keep thinking that if he just KNOWS me, if he UNDERSTANDS me and if he can SUPPORT me, then we’d be able to be back together. We’d be able to be happy. I didn’t say that in the letter, and I’m wondering if I should. I don’t really see the point in it. I stripped myself bare in that letter.

Classes start in two days. This was a really challenging spring break, but a much needed one. And I’m so glad I have Jocelyn- I would have been so lost without her to guide me through this mess. Similar to how things were last July.

I miss him. I hate being without him. I hate that he was HERE, he was HERE and I didn’t get to enjoy him. I waited eight weeks to see him for three hours, to be crushed and broken when he left me. And I hate that even with that, I still miss him. I still want him back. I still want him to be back in my bed and in my arms and I want his sweetness BACK.

Jocelyn reminded me of what I said to her when she asked me why I stayed. She reminded me of my reaction. I immediately teared up and I said “because when I’m with him, I’m REALLY happy. I feel REALLY good about myself, he makes me feel... Incredible. I’m just so happy.” And I miss feeling that way, I miss the way he could brighten me.

I’m holding my breath for him again. He suggested that he wanted to write me a letter, he suggested that he was going to mail me a package, and I don’t know how sincere or empty his words are, but I’m holding my breath for him nonetheless. Knowing him, he would text me before he sent me anything. He wouldn’t just surprise me with a letter or a package. And he hasn’t texted, so I think it’s safe to assume that nothing has come in the mail from him headed in my direction. That, and he’s slow to get things like this done. He stews, he ruminates, he makes tons of notes in tons of notebooks. If he’s going to send me anything, my guess is that it won’t be until sometime in April.

But I still want him to send me something anyway. I still want to know whether I’m important to him.

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

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This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

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Big Goddess Energy

Love me as I am… Love me

March 21

Dangit, I typed something last night and then didn’t hit either save or post and Tumblr doesn’t default to saving posts as drafts so I lost it. Grrrr. I’ll try to remember what exactly I said.

Today I have a mixed bag of feelings. I feel rescued- I messaged Andrew about a $880 bill I received from a former therapist because apparently the insurance information wasn’t filed correctly, and he told me to send the bill to him and he would write a letter to the therapist and tell them to shove it. I feel frustrated- I’m still not having success with the job search, and it’s wearing on my self esteem. I thought I would have a lot of value to provide to a company, I thought I’d be a high commodity applicant since I have so much work experience and work experience that isn’t finance, but I haven’t been called in for an interview at all. I feel excited about classes- I’m taking two communications classes with the same Professor, which isn’t ideal but it means I have all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (aside from my Gender Equality seminar on Wednesdays) and she seems REALLY engaged. I think she really cares.

I feel uncertain about Devin. We messaged some more last night, the post I wrote about all of him belonging to me really moved him. I know he’s starting to understand that things are changing for him, that the happy times he thought he would have for forever by staying in Virginia are going to be different from what he’s remembered or experienced in the past. I don’t know. I’m the only person he’s ever dumped. He’s been willing to put up with all kinds of bullshit and he chose to leave THIS relationship, when I have tried really hard to be good to the both of us.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind… It was a good movie to watch, thinking about Devin and I. I might want to watch it again in a few days. Just lots of insight and it helped with self-reflection.

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I feel amazing!!!

I’m not sure what happened this morning, but I’ve been getting things DONE! Last night I didn’t do too much, just made some notes on things that Devin and I could talk about in couple’s therapy, but today I was out of the house (showered too!) by 11am, drove to the gas station to fill my little gas container, and started my lawn mower for the first time since I bought the damn thing two years ago. I mowed the front yard, seeded the front yard, and then mowed about 75% of the back yard (lots of poop to pick up, as well as trash that’s blown in from the dumpsters at the restaurants on the other side of my fence). I’m going to pick up the trash, finish mowing, and then seed the back yard as well! It’s supposed to rain in a few days, so it’ll be a good time to put the seeds down and hopefully have some grass before my graduation barbecue next month.

Devin messaged to say that he’s on his way home from the camping trip... He’s lovey dovey like he usually is after returning from weekends of WiFi silence. It was sweet, he’s sweet. 😊 One thing I was thinking as I was cutting the grass is that it would be nice for him to be out here cutting my grass for me someday. Seeing him assume that responsibility, having us work on domestic types of home maintenance together.