March 21

April 19

I hate this platform so much.  I lost what I typed YET AGAIN.

Today I feel content.  (Though right now I’m seriously annoyed.)

Things with Devin are going fine.  He left for his camping trip today- I still struggle with the knee-jerk feeling of unease and jealousy about him and Leila, but I’m realizing that the circumstances are such that it would be difficult for me to NOT feel some level of discomfort with the two of them spending time together.  Their friend circle is coupled off, and the two of them end up coupled together.  Devin is secretive about all of his friendships and doesn’t share even times when he goes bowling with Stewart.  Devin has shown in the past that he will deliberately hide things from me to avoid problems.  Devin is able to spend lots of time with her, whereas he’s not able to spend lots of time with me.  I know in my gut that I can trust him, but given our circumstances, Chester can’t.  Which is tricky.

Things with the job are going fine.  I had the interview with McKesson and just got an email about a position with Cigna in El Paso.  It’s good for my ego and my self-confidence, finally receiving interest on positions I’ve applied for.  I’ve received some good advice about adding my interterm experience onto my resumes to stress the HR work I’ve done, so I plan to do that and then use both resumes, depending on which jobs I’m applying for.  (Or, if I can somehow get all of that information onto the resumes without losing any information, I’ll do that.)

Classes are going fine.  I’m not as behind as I initially thought I was, which feels really positive.  I have two papers to work on this weekend (one of them is pretty big) and one persuasive presentation that I want to give some thought to.  I’ve done pretty well in that class so far, B+ on presentations I’ve only given a few hours to (and a B because I was docked for going over on time), so I want to see what would happen if I give something more time and effort.  I think I could maybe pull off an A or something (probably not an A in the class, but an A on the presentation).

Things at home are fine.  They’re not great, still lots to do around the house and I’m not accomplishing as much as I’d like to, but I don’t feel anxious about it.  I think, in the grand scheme of things, the things I have to do won’t actually take as long once I get started on doing them.  These projects that are looming on my to-do list will really only take maybe 30 minutes to an hour once I get started.  The dilemma is just getting started- I’m dragging my feet on getting started because I’m intimidated by the amount of work and time it will take.  And I know that in my head, but it’s tough to still motivate the rest of me to get moving.

All in all, I feel content.  Devin is a bright spot in my life, the job opportunities that are starting to pop up are a bright spot in my life, I’m feeling better.  Just more hopeful.  Which is nice.  I’ve had some really pessimistic, sinking feelings over the past few weeks, so I’m glad I’m rebounding (and now that I think about it, that could be due to Seasonal Affect Disorder as well, huh) and that I’m doing better.

This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

—

“A year ago, I would never have pictured the way my life is now.”

—

November 30

Today I feel volatile. The day started out great, most of the day was great, and it just ended on such a sour note.

One of the dogs peed on the hardwood, and it got on the new rug. And I just got home from Amy’s and I’m tired and a little irritable as it is, and seeing that spot and knowing that the rug peeing will likely commence just made me so angry. I feel like I can never get ahead with these dogs, that they do nothing but add money and responsibility and burden. Just really frustrated.

Today was a good day, I had a quick call with David, which was really nice. He’s more real now, and more importantly I’m more real to him. I liked him, I liked his voice and his ability to laugh at himself. He was nice.

The bunny is coming over tomorrow... For a service visit. And I’m just not super enthused about it, I think because of David. I want an emotional connection, and I know I won’t have one with the bunny, so I wonder if a part of my brain/focus just turned off. Or was turned down. I haven’t made any lists or shared notes for him yet. And the idea of spending extended periods of time with him is still nice, I still think he’s super cute and super sweet, but it doesn’t charge me like it did before.

I’m less angry about the dogs. Still frustrated, I don’t know how to get them to fucking stop destroying the house, but less actively angry. Again, I’m already tired and I left Amy’s house feeling a little combative.

November 29

Today I feel really satisfied. It’s been productive... I put up most of my outdoor Christmas lights (though I want to put lights up around the windows, and there’s a small spot on the roof that needs new lights, and I want to put garland around the light pole), I chose a date to take the PMP exam, I registered for a prep course, I got the student loan deferment forms printed and will be filling them out and mailing them tomorrow (Amy printed them for me- they’re at her house right now), I filled out the information I needed to for individual health insurance for next year, I scheduled a STI screening for Monday (sorry Devin, just don’t trust you buddy), I set a mouse trap, I washed a bunch of dishes, I’m just getting things done. For some reason the barrier I feel when trying to get things done is smaller today, so I’m able to hop over it. I think it started with the Christmas decorations... Or maybe it was as I was lying in bed, I asked myself “if I didn’t have to apply for jobs today, what would I want to do?”

I met with my therapist on Wednesday, and she told me to just go with this feeling... That eventually, I WILL want to find a job but for now I just need to enjoy life a little. And I told her that I wasn’t enjoying it, because there’s always this little voice in the back of my head whispering “you should be applying for jobs, you’re running out of money, there are all these things you need to get done and you can’t do fun things until you’ve gotten them done” so I’m just not leaning into the fun things like I could be. So I’m not applying for jobs, but I’m not getting anything else done because I feel like I CAN’T get them done until after I’ve applied for some jobs, which means I’m really not doing much of anything. So Wednesday was a fantastic session. It even got me to journal in here. 😊

I’ve been thinking about Devin a lot today... Must be a good day to process. I haven’t cried about him in weeks, and I didn’t cry today, but I’ve just been thinking a lot. Remembering the bullshit he said/did that I forgave him for, and my negative voice has been whispering, trying to make me feel bad, and it’s tough to not listen to him. Because really, I worked hard in that relationship. I found a boy, I loved him, and I worked hard to be true to that love, even though he wasn’t where I was. I loved him, I LOVED him in a way I was really proud to love him, and it’s not that I chose badly, because I truly believe that there’s this person he could be who is the perfect person for me. But he wasn’t ready to reach for that person, and that’s okay. Because MAN, can I love. ❤️

June 5

Today I feel wistful.

I met with Mary Jo about doing some potential consulting work while I’m in South Bend for the summer. It was really positive... I think she’s excited about the idea of potentially giving me some things to do to help her company out. I ended up going to the gym afterwards, because of my conversation with her, and that made me feel a ton better as well. I drove home singing along to songs on my iPhone, the windows were down and the evening was cool, I was happy.

Devin disappointed me today. He had inventory this morning, so he was at work by 445am. I sent him a message last night, that he read when he woke up. It had a list of things (some were just I love yous, some were reminders, some were requests) and he said he would respond to it when he could. Yesterday, he asked for a call sometime this afternoon, and I said okay. He was supposed to get off of work at 2pm, and he didn’t call. Or respond to my text. I messaged him at 445pm asking if he was still at work, and he said that he wasn’t. We didn’t call, he didn’t even ask to call until I was already at dinner. He didn’t get to the things on my list until I expressed my anger about it, and some of them were easy things: sending me a picture of his wrist.

I felt unworthy. I felt like he didn’t want the relationship I wanted, I felt like I’m not enough to keep him interested. Or enough for a submissive to want to be the partner I’d really like for them to be. This is something that happens time and time again with him, and I don’t know if it’s just him struggling with figuring out who or what he is or if it’s that he’s not a good fit for me. Or, I’m not a good fit for him. I’m not enough to help guide him to be the slave he says he wants to be.

It was a tough day. I wanted to share my excitement with him about dinner and about going to the gym, but I’m hurt. So I’m withholding. Which the Master I want to be would never do, which doesn’t help with these feelings of unworthiness, but I’m going to lick my wounds and try again tomorrow.

April 12

Devin says he’s going to try to journal every night. Even if he devotes 20 minutes to it, it’s his plan to journal. He’s much more receptive to the relationship when he journals, he’s more receptive to me. When he journals, I feel like he sees me and pays attention to me much more. And I’m sure the same applies to me, to some level.

I saw Jocelyn today. It was a good session... I love how complimentary she is about the way I think about things, the away I process and the way I’m methodical about my relationship with Devin. Right now I’m in a brain fog- I felt really sharp during the session this morning, and earlier today, but right now I feel like I can’t concentrate. I’ve been eating a lot of sugar. Cake, pizza, chips, garlic knots, and I think that might be contributing to the fogginess. It’s helpful for me to write down the things Jocelyn and I talk about as soon afterwards as possible, so that I can refer back, so I’ll try to recall right now.

She shared a podcast with me, about how both people are adults and both people are children and how when one partner is in child mode, the other person has to be in adult mode. And they have to switch off for each other. The structure of the podcast could have been improved, definitely... They were very unclear about how “adult” and “child” were defined at the beginning of the podcast.

Dangit. Shame on me for not remembering that tumblr deletes what I write if I don’t save frequently. And I wrote more, and it was deleted. Grr. 😡

forget what they say. ignore them. there will always be idiots trying to bring you down. don’t listen to them. deep down, you know the truth. you’re special. even if you don’t feel it right now, you are. you’re divine. you’re a princess, you’re a queen. you deserve to be praised, adored, served and worshipped. is this what you want? because if it is, then you can have it. it’s not impossible, it’s not as hard as you think. forget what they told you your whole life: there’s nothing wrong about craving to pampered, obeyed, loved, adored, served. on the contrary, that’s just beautiful. and if you possess this beauty inside you, it’s about time for you to allow yourself to enjoy it, to explore it, to own it. it’s all yours for the taken. this is not an impossible dream, this could be your reality. all you have to do is to embrace it. is this what you want? tell the world: do you want to be worshipped?