Forget What They Say. Ignore Them. There Will Always Be Idiots Trying To Bring You Down. Don’t Listen

March 19

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. Devin responded to my text this morning, and it was sweet and aching and heartfelt and I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond. He told me that he missed me, he told me that he still loved me, he told me that he hated himself for not talking to me first, he told me he mailed me a package and it had a letter in it that didn’t say much aside from wanting to talk to me. I miss him so much. It’s painful how much I miss him.

I haven’t cried today. It was the first day I haven’t cried, and I know it’s because I’m hopeful. I’ve caught myself goofy smiling thinking about things, remembering things, because my mind has already gone to “we’re going to do this again” or “the next time I see him I’m going to make sure this happens” and it’s REALLY hard. Because nothing has changed except that we’re a little older and our hearts are a little more bruised. But hope is a feeling, and I can’t make myself stop feeling a feeling, even if I want to. Even if I know that being hopeful is going to make all of this hurt so much more.

Today was the first day of class. And I bought my cap and gown today for graduation. I’ve decided I want to be celebrated after all. I want to invite people and send out invitations and make it a thing. Because I’m graduating from Notre Dame with my MBA and that’s fucking awesome. Because I struggled for a REALLY long time with academics and finances and my career direction and I’m achieving a huge milestone that I can be incredibly proud of.

April 25

Today I feel better.

Things with Devin and I are still going really well, he makes me happy. He’s so damn SWEET. I was talking to Florida Matt about him, and I realized how very service-oriented Devin is. And this could be because of me pushing him to be this way, but he’s following along. He’s doing it, he’s my little slave. ❤️

I had a conversation with someone from USAA, which felt AMAZING. Just really positive, like he was definitely willing to help me out!! Which I LOVED. I feel more positive about potentially getting a job with USAA, I’m so set on moving in that direction. I REALLY want USAA.

Classes are meh. But not as desolate as I felt about them yesterday, so that’s an improvement. The house is still in shambles, the dogs keep peeing in the same spot on the floor so the floor boards are warping, there’s still lots of improvement to be done over the next few weeks/months, but I’m feeling more positive about it.

I love Devin so much. I love love love him. I don’t know what’s happened, but I feel so much less anxious in our relationship now. I just feel more secure in it, I’m not sure why. I wonder if he feels the same way. I’ll ask him about it during next week’s checkin.

May 28

So a lot has changed... I’ve since graduated, and I’m unemployed. My worst nightmare has come true, and yet I’m still alive and well to tell the tale about it. I’m going to be staying in South Bend for a few weeks (months) until I have a job lined up. I was really panicked about it, really anxious and stressed and just using it to evaluate my self-worth like crazy, but for some reason all of that has faded and I’ve just ACCEPTED the circumstances. Which is nice.

Things with Devin and I are going much better. He’s collared now, he’s officially under consideration. I have no idea what that means to him. When we were together, things were great. He tried really hard. Now that he’s back in Virginia, he’s just gotten REALLY lazy. REALLY unwilling to do the things I ask of him. Most of them are little things (in my mind)... Things like daily journaling. Or anal stretching so that we can actually have the pegging sessions I want to have. He’s responsible for monthly contract reviews, for us to reread and talk about the contract we signed when he put the collar on. He typically tells me when he’s spending time with friends, but I’m noticing that he’s really selective about the friends he’s telling me he’s spending time with. We went to the Power Exchange Summit a few weeks ago and it was fantastic. I think he got a lot out of it. One of the sessions I attended said that challenges with control usually aren’t a struggle within the relationship but are a struggle within the bottom.

I don’t feel as though I can just tell him what to do, that I can say “you’re slipping, moving forward you’re going to do this” because I don’t think he’s going to do it. And THEN what do I do. It’s the constant mental struggle I have, it’s the number one reason leading (or maybe just leading HIM) is so difficult. Because he’s lied to me before. He’s ignored tasks, he’s ignored punishments, he’s just WAY doing his own thing on his own time and disregarding the expectations of the relationship.

It’s hard. I know he’s learning, I know he’s young and trying to individualize, I know he wants to be good but he’s just not willing to do a lot of the work it takes to be good. So what do I do with him given this circumstance. I have no idea.

April 23

Today I feel okay. Not stellar, not depressed, just okay. I completed my presentation (it went well, considering I only spent about two hours on it), I didn’t complete the white paper (five pages single spaced and I naively thought I could finish the whole damn thing in three hours), I had forgotten about a cardiology appointment so I had to duck out of a lecture early (one I was really looking forward to hearing). Things with Devin and I were sweet... We texted back and forth throughout the day, which was nice. We had a short call at the end of the night, where he asked me to sing to him, which I found painfully sweet. ❤️ He just sounded so wistful, I think it’s because I had just corrected him and reminded him that he is a submissive.

House is meh. I got a lot of things done yesterday, which felt really satisfying. I didn’t sleep a lot- intentions of working on the presentation as well as making headway on the paper- so I napped as soon as I got home from the doctor. I’ve been trying to eat more tuna, just because it’s inexpensive and it’s a lot healthier than other meal choices I could be making. Tuna and fruit/spinach smoothies. Hopefully it helps with weight loss and brain fog and just helping me to FEEL better.

I’ve been consistent about taking my meds- Corbin has been helping me to be consistent about taking my meds. It’s made a huge difference, I just have a more positive affect. I’m more hopeful with meds. Which makes me a little suspicious of whether my “positive attitude” that I’m always complimented for is really ME or if its the drugs, a conversation I’ve had with my psychiatrist in the past.

“A year ago, I would never have pictured the way my life is now.”

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Psychology Daily - Quote

This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

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