Goddessmba - Treat Myself Like A Goddess

“If you are not willing to look stupid, nothing great will ever happen to you.”

—

April 24

Today I feel unmotivated. I spent the entire day in the house- I slept a lot, I killed time playing with my phone, I skipped my gender equity class, I didn’t do anything around the house, I didn’t do any work on the papers I’m delinquent on... I did nothing. And it made me feel even worse about myself, not doing anything. I’m not sure what happened- why I was so disengaged yesterday. I just had no desire to do ANYTHING. I forget, frequently, that this is a rare opportunity for me to learn things, for me to take time off from a 40 hour work week. And that finding a job at this level takes a lot of effort on my part- just time and effort that I’m not investing into right now.

It feels overwhelming, thinking about all of the things I need to do. And I know that writing everything down will help a ton, but for some reason the idea of writing this down is also overwhelming. I think I’m afraid of seeing it. Who knows.

It’s just been a really unproductive, discouraging day.

“Remember you’re a goddess. A goddess doesn’t beg for love, she bestows it; and to only those who ask for it.”

— itsczarine7 (via wnq-writers)

“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”

—

April 23

Today I feel okay. Not stellar, not depressed, just okay. I completed my presentation (it went well, considering I only spent about two hours on it), I didn’t complete the white paper (five pages single spaced and I naively thought I could finish the whole damn thing in three hours), I had forgotten about a cardiology appointment so I had to duck out of a lecture early (one I was really looking forward to hearing). Things with Devin and I were sweet... We texted back and forth throughout the day, which was nice. We had a short call at the end of the night, where he asked me to sing to him, which I found painfully sweet. ❤️ He just sounded so wistful, I think it’s because I had just corrected him and reminded him that he is a submissive.

House is meh. I got a lot of things done yesterday, which felt really satisfying. I didn’t sleep a lot- intentions of working on the presentation as well as making headway on the paper- so I napped as soon as I got home from the doctor. I’ve been trying to eat more tuna, just because it’s inexpensive and it’s a lot healthier than other meal choices I could be making. Tuna and fruit/spinach smoothies. Hopefully it helps with weight loss and brain fog and just helping me to FEEL better.

I’ve been consistent about taking my meds- Corbin has been helping me to be consistent about taking my meds. It’s made a huge difference, I just have a more positive affect. I’m more hopeful with meds. Which makes me a little suspicious of whether my “positive attitude” that I’m always complimented for is really ME or if its the drugs, a conversation I’ve had with my psychiatrist in the past.

March 21

Dangit, I typed something last night and then didn’t hit either save or post and Tumblr doesn’t default to saving posts as drafts so I lost it. Grrrr. I’ll try to remember what exactly I said.

Today I have a mixed bag of feelings. I feel rescued- I messaged Andrew about a $880 bill I received from a former therapist because apparently the insurance information wasn’t filed correctly, and he told me to send the bill to him and he would write a letter to the therapist and tell them to shove it. I feel frustrated- I’m still not having success with the job search, and it’s wearing on my self esteem. I thought I would have a lot of value to provide to a company, I thought I’d be a high commodity applicant since I have so much work experience and work experience that isn’t finance, but I haven’t been called in for an interview at all. I feel excited about classes- I’m taking two communications classes with the same Professor, which isn’t ideal but it means I have all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (aside from my Gender Equality seminar on Wednesdays) and she seems REALLY engaged. I think she really cares.

I feel uncertain about Devin. We messaged some more last night, the post I wrote about all of him belonging to me really moved him. I know he’s starting to understand that things are changing for him, that the happy times he thought he would have for forever by staying in Virginia are going to be different from what he’s remembered or experienced in the past. I don’t know. I’m the only person he’s ever dumped. He’s been willing to put up with all kinds of bullshit and he chose to leave THIS relationship, when I have tried really hard to be good to the both of us.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind… It was a good movie to watch, thinking about Devin and I. I might want to watch it again in a few days. Just lots of insight and it helped with self-reflection.

March 19

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. Devin responded to my text this morning, and it was sweet and aching and heartfelt and I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond. He told me that he missed me, he told me that he still loved me, he told me that he hated himself for not talking to me first, he told me he mailed me a package and it had a letter in it that didn’t say much aside from wanting to talk to me. I miss him so much. It’s painful how much I miss him.

I haven’t cried today. It was the first day I haven’t cried, and I know it’s because I’m hopeful. I’ve caught myself goofy smiling thinking about things, remembering things, because my mind has already gone to “we’re going to do this again” or “the next time I see him I’m going to make sure this happens” and it’s REALLY hard. Because nothing has changed except that we’re a little older and our hearts are a little more bruised. But hope is a feeling, and I can’t make myself stop feeling a feeling, even if I want to. Even if I know that being hopeful is going to make all of this hurt so much more.

Today was the first day of class. And I bought my cap and gown today for graduation. I’ve decided I want to be celebrated after all. I want to invite people and send out invitations and make it a thing. Because I’m graduating from Notre Dame with my MBA and that’s fucking awesome. Because I struggled for a REALLY long time with academics and finances and my career direction and I’m achieving a huge milestone that I can be incredibly proud of.

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

—

Psychology Daily - Quote