“I’m Exhausted From Trying To Be Stronger Than I Feel.”

Psychology Daily - Quote

March 19

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. Devin responded to my text this morning, and it was sweet and aching and heartfelt and I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond. He told me that he missed me, he told me that he still loved me, he told me that he hated himself for not talking to me first, he told me he mailed me a package and it had a letter in it that didn’t say much aside from wanting to talk to me. I miss him so much. It’s painful how much I miss him.

I haven’t cried today. It was the first day I haven’t cried, and I know it’s because I’m hopeful. I’ve caught myself goofy smiling thinking about things, remembering things, because my mind has already gone to “we’re going to do this again” or “the next time I see him I’m going to make sure this happens” and it’s REALLY hard. Because nothing has changed except that we’re a little older and our hearts are a little more bruised. But hope is a feeling, and I can’t make myself stop feeling a feeling, even if I want to. Even if I know that being hopeful is going to make all of this hurt so much more.

Today was the first day of class. And I bought my cap and gown today for graduation. I’ve decided I want to be celebrated after all. I want to invite people and send out invitations and make it a thing. Because I’m graduating from Notre Dame with my MBA and that’s fucking awesome. Because I struggled for a REALLY long time with academics and finances and my career direction and I’m achieving a huge milestone that I can be incredibly proud of.

“She doesn’t want to hear that she is flawless. She wants to hear that she is loved regardless of her flaws.”

—

“A year ago, I would never have pictured the way my life is now.”

—

March 20

Today I feel scattered. Devin and I texted today. Part of me wishes that we wouldn’t have. It’s a distraction, he’s a distraction. I haven’t done any classwork, I’m unmotivated, I just want to lie in bed, I’m falling into old habits.

I swing back and forth between wildly grieving him and feeling hopeful and being angry with him AND with myself for a million little things. He’s still him, he’s still young and self-absorbed and selective about what he responds to and he doesn’t help to address the things that feed my insecurities. He doesn’t understand those needs. Because he’s not there yet. But I still miss him, I still want him back. Because of what Jocelyn and I talked about a few weeks ago... He makes me happy. Forget the value he provides or his usefulness, he just makes me happy. Being WITH him, spending time with him, makes me happy. The challenge then becomes whether we’d actually be spending time together. Or how often. If he could keep up with that. And I’m not confident he can. Because if he could, I’d want to try to just not talk to him as much when we’re not together. Just let him do his business and I’ll do my business and we’d just be together when we’re together. We’d make each other happy in the way we both can contribute to making each other happy and in the other times we just wouldn’t bother.

I’ve been emailing with McKesson about jobs, I think I have a good contact. I think she’s willing to work with me, or help me get into the company. Which is fantastic. I hate that part of me is thinking that maybe I could work in Richmond during that time, maybe I could make the adjustment to be with Devin for a little while, so me adjusting to be with him instead of him growing to be with me.

Classes are a mess this mod. I didn’t get into the class I wanted (data storytelling) and I’m SO disappointed. My schedule isn’t the schedule I want, which is annoying and frustrating and makes me even more grumpy than I otherwise would have been. Bah. Grump grump grump.

Psychology Daily - Quotes

March 18

Today I feel regret. So much regret.

I miss him like crazy. I haven’t had the gut-wrenching sobbing fests like I had been initially, but it’s been the instantaneous crying today. I cried at Walmart. I cried in the driveway texting Juicy. I cried as I was tearing chicken to put into little sandwich bags. I cried in the shower. I cried looking at photos of him as I was transferring everything to a memory stick. And it only lasts for a few seconds, less than a minute each time, but it’s chronic. I miss him all the time.

It feels so terrible. I feel so terrible. Because I miss him all the time anyway, and now there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no end to look forward to, it’s just missing him until I stop missing him. I wish the relationship wouldn’t have ended. I wish I wouldn’t have been so... PROUD. I wish I would have been more patient with him, more kind. Because he is SO kind. He is SO sweet, so kind, he’s wholesome and refreshing in a way that I’ve never known anyone else to be. (I’m crying again- another quick cry.) And even though I keep telling myself “I should have guided him through that conversation, I should have facilitated the discussion, I should have saved the relationship, he’s young and he depends on me for this stuff”, I also tell myself that I don’t KNOW that he didn’t want this. This relationship was overwhelming for him. This relationship made him feel like a terrible person. This relationship shamed him in lots of ways. He didn’t fight for this relationship. He was quick to return to being on the prowl after this relationship.

I just texted him. I said “this is really hard”. It’s 1208am and my guess is that he’s already sleeping, he’s getting ready for work in the morning since he typically has morning shifts. It’s the first time I’ve texted him since the night we broke up.

I don’t know how to think or how to feel about this. I just wish I would have been PATIENT. I wish I would have been more deliberate in telling him about ME, ensuring that he listens and understands. I wish I would have forced him into therapy a lot sooner. I wish I would have recognized and corrected his martyrdom much sooner, and thought of him stressing the “us versus the situation” mantra much sooner. I wish I would have had that weekend to think, to spend time with him.

I wish he would have talked to me about it before he showed up. I wish he would have tried to come up with other ideas. I wish he wouldn’t have changed his fetlife profile, and that he wouldn’t have liked that girl’s naked photo. I wish he would have told me that he wanted for us to stay together. And maybe he DID say it, but I wish he would have said it over and over until I heard it. He told me he loved me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.

I applied for a bunch of jobs today. Just googling “senior hr business partner” and typing in a state, and applying for jobs with companies I think would be interesting to work for. It’s draining... It’s emotionally draining.

I heard back from the guy I asked to go to the party with me to serve me, he decided he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’ve accepted that I’ll need to buy a bigger bridesmaid dress... There’s no amount of dieting over the course of the next 1.5 weeks that’s going to get that damn thing to fit.

I miss him. I miss him and I regret not working harder to keep him.

This is an important one for me to keep in mind right now.

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

—

April 23

Today I feel okay. Not stellar, not depressed, just okay. I completed my presentation (it went well, considering I only spent about two hours on it), I didn’t complete the white paper (five pages single spaced and I naively thought I could finish the whole damn thing in three hours), I had forgotten about a cardiology appointment so I had to duck out of a lecture early (one I was really looking forward to hearing). Things with Devin and I were sweet... We texted back and forth throughout the day, which was nice. We had a short call at the end of the night, where he asked me to sing to him, which I found painfully sweet. ❤️ He just sounded so wistful, I think it’s because I had just corrected him and reminded him that he is a submissive.

House is meh. I got a lot of things done yesterday, which felt really satisfying. I didn’t sleep a lot- intentions of working on the presentation as well as making headway on the paper- so I napped as soon as I got home from the doctor. I’ve been trying to eat more tuna, just because it’s inexpensive and it’s a lot healthier than other meal choices I could be making. Tuna and fruit/spinach smoothies. Hopefully it helps with weight loss and brain fog and just helping me to FEEL better.

I’ve been consistent about taking my meds- Corbin has been helping me to be consistent about taking my meds. It’s made a huge difference, I just have a more positive affect. I’m more hopeful with meds. Which makes me a little suspicious of whether my “positive attitude” that I’m always complimented for is really ME or if its the drugs, a conversation I’ve had with my psychiatrist in the past.

March 23

Today I feel sad.  I didn’t do much, I threw away more wire fence pieces in the back yard.  I ordered pizza and watched 17 Again and Ironman 2.  Devin and I didn’t text too much, just a few texts at the very end of the day.  I told him to show me...  He keeps talking about how much he wants me back, how he would make all kinds of changes so that he could be with me again, and I told him that I don’t believe him at all.  So he’s going to have to show me first.  And when I’m convinced that he’s being sincere, then we can talk.  THEN we can figure out whether or not it’s worthwhile to keep trying to make this work.

I’m not confident he’ll do it.  I have very little confidence in him overall, really.  I think about Rich...  Rich was a small town person.  Very stuck, never traveled, didn’t think the world outside of Newport News, Virginia was worth seeing.  He didn’t even like Williamsburg.  I see that lack of interest or lack of a sense of adventure in Rich but I don’t see it in Devin.  And this might just be wishful thinking, or maybe it’s not a sense of adventure I’m seeing but flexibility, adaptability, and I think Devin has it.  I wonder if this is a product of his upbringing.  I really think Devin would enjoy living in different areas, bouncing around the country (or around the world) seeing new things and appreciating new things and learning new things.  But he’s young and he’s scared.

I’m still applying for jobs like crazy, I have a call with someone from USAA today to talk about a job I applied for (and was screened out of) several months ago.  Fingers crossed I can soon put this behind me!!  I graduate in less than two months and I’ve got NOTHING to go on.