April 20
April 20
I feel disheartened.
It’s my own fault. I haven’t left my house yet today. I didn’t really leave the house yesterday either, aside from running to see the therapist. But today, I didn’t even leave to check the mail. I haven’t showered today, I’ve been eating all the things I’ve been telling myself not to eat (so many carbs), I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping and coughing (allergies- lots of gunk running down my throat), just not a stellar day. Which isn’t what I had expected- I was thinking I’d be able to get all kinds of things done today.
I worry about days like this... How am I supposed to be functional when I have a job. Or when I’m living with someone. If I can’t motivate myself to take care of myself even at a basic level- showering is pretty basic- how can I do so WITH someone. How can I create the environment I need to be successful in a demanding career.
What’s been helpful in the past is listing the things I’d like to get done. Acknowledging them helps me to want to address them sometimes. So things to do: write a strategic writing paper, write a bad news letter, write a white paper on AI and resume screening, create a persuasive presentation, vacuum, scrub the floors, give the dogs baths and haircuts, fold laundry, wash laundry, prepare some healthy meals, tidy up, pick up poop in the back yard, mow the lawn, put down some grass seeds, plant flowers, box up the kink toys to take to Amy’s, get some flooring done. There are so many options for things to work on, and instead of starting on a small one I’m looking at the big ones (the papers) and choosing to do nothing about them. I keep telling myself “tomorrow” or “later this afternoon” or “tonight”.
Taking my medication regularly has definitely helped, but there’s still a struggle with just WILL. How do I propel myself to just DO it.
The day isn’t over, there’s still time to turn things around. I think there’s something about sitting in the chair I’m sitting in... It’s become a spot I go to for procrastination. Just killing time. Maybe I’ll try sitting at a different seat at the table.
More Posts from Goddessmba and Others
The version of you right now is deserving of love. Not you two years ago when you had more of your shit together, or the five years later version where you’ll surely be thriving. The version of you right now. The one that might just be okay, or is really struggling, or is bored and unproductive. That version deserves love. Having trouble accepting this is fine, but actively denying it is not. Your value is intrinsic, and finding confidence in that is mandatory.
“Don’t worry if someone doesn’t like you. The truth is that most people are struggling to simply like themselves. Be true to yourself and you will find your tribe.”
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June 5
Today I feel wistful.
I met with Mary Jo about doing some potential consulting work while I’m in South Bend for the summer. It was really positive... I think she’s excited about the idea of potentially giving me some things to do to help her company out. I ended up going to the gym afterwards, because of my conversation with her, and that made me feel a ton better as well. I drove home singing along to songs on my iPhone, the windows were down and the evening was cool, I was happy.
Devin disappointed me today. He had inventory this morning, so he was at work by 445am. I sent him a message last night, that he read when he woke up. It had a list of things (some were just I love yous, some were reminders, some were requests) and he said he would respond to it when he could. Yesterday, he asked for a call sometime this afternoon, and I said okay. He was supposed to get off of work at 2pm, and he didn’t call. Or respond to my text. I messaged him at 445pm asking if he was still at work, and he said that he wasn’t. We didn’t call, he didn’t even ask to call until I was already at dinner. He didn’t get to the things on my list until I expressed my anger about it, and some of them were easy things: sending me a picture of his wrist.
I felt unworthy. I felt like he didn’t want the relationship I wanted, I felt like I’m not enough to keep him interested. Or enough for a submissive to want to be the partner I’d really like for them to be. This is something that happens time and time again with him, and I don’t know if it’s just him struggling with figuring out who or what he is or if it’s that he’s not a good fit for me. Or, I’m not a good fit for him. I’m not enough to help guide him to be the slave he says he wants to be.
It was a tough day. I wanted to share my excitement with him about dinner and about going to the gym, but I’m hurt. So I’m withholding. Which the Master I want to be would never do, which doesn’t help with these feelings of unworthiness, but I’m going to lick my wounds and try again tomorrow.
forget what they say. ignore them. there will always be idiots trying to bring you down. don’t listen to them. deep down, you know the truth. you’re special. even if you don’t feel it right now, you are. you’re divine. you’re a princess, you’re a queen. you deserve to be praised, adored, served and worshipped. is this what you want? because if it is, then you can have it. it’s not impossible, it’s not as hard as you think. forget what they told you your whole life: there’s nothing wrong about craving to pampered, obeyed, loved, adored, served. on the contrary, that’s just beautiful. and if you possess this beauty inside you, it’s about time for you to allow yourself to enjoy it, to explore it, to own it. it’s all yours for the taken. this is not an impossible dream, this could be your reality. all you have to do is to embrace it. is this what you want? tell the world: do you want to be worshipped?
April 24
Today I feel unmotivated. I spent the entire day in the house- I slept a lot, I killed time playing with my phone, I skipped my gender equity class, I didn’t do anything around the house, I didn’t do any work on the papers I’m delinquent on... I did nothing. And it made me feel even worse about myself, not doing anything. I’m not sure what happened- why I was so disengaged yesterday. I just had no desire to do ANYTHING. I forget, frequently, that this is a rare opportunity for me to learn things, for me to take time off from a 40 hour work week. And that finding a job at this level takes a lot of effort on my part- just time and effort that I’m not investing into right now.
It feels overwhelming, thinking about all of the things I need to do. And I know that writing everything down will help a ton, but for some reason the idea of writing this down is also overwhelming. I think I’m afraid of seeing it. Who knows.
It’s just been a really unproductive, discouraging day.
What it means to treat yourself like a goddess
Taking a bath and actually taking the time to enjoy it, to clean yourself gently with care
Wearing jewelry that pleases you as well as clothing
Playing soothing nonvocal music
Drying yourself slowly paying attention to the beauty of every part of your body.
Let your hair down to be free
Being naked and feeling comfortable with your body (sleeping naked helps) and loving your body despite what you think
Makeup (or no makeup) make it a ritual to look as good as you do, even when your just putting skin care on and no makeup.
Lighting candles and incense of course
Bathing in moonlight (because of how much the moon represents fem energy and the goddess energies)
Eat healthy (as possible)
Realizing how strong woman really are
Accepting who you are as a women
Forgiveness of yourself (If you have scars, you deserve to tend to them like a child scraps their knee.)
How powerful you can be AND are.
Realizing the outer and inner beauty of yourself and those you love.
Helping to lift others
The practice of self care and self love.
