The Version Of You Right Now Is Deserving Of Love. Not You Two Years Ago When You Had More Of Your Shit

March 18

Today I feel regret. So much regret.

I miss him like crazy. I haven’t had the gut-wrenching sobbing fests like I had been initially, but it’s been the instantaneous crying today. I cried at Walmart. I cried in the driveway texting Juicy. I cried as I was tearing chicken to put into little sandwich bags. I cried in the shower. I cried looking at photos of him as I was transferring everything to a memory stick. And it only lasts for a few seconds, less than a minute each time, but it’s chronic. I miss him all the time.

It feels so terrible. I feel so terrible. Because I miss him all the time anyway, and now there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no end to look forward to, it’s just missing him until I stop missing him. I wish the relationship wouldn’t have ended. I wish I wouldn’t have been so... PROUD. I wish I would have been more patient with him, more kind. Because he is SO kind. He is SO sweet, so kind, he’s wholesome and refreshing in a way that I’ve never known anyone else to be. (I’m crying again- another quick cry.) And even though I keep telling myself “I should have guided him through that conversation, I should have facilitated the discussion, I should have saved the relationship, he’s young and he depends on me for this stuff”, I also tell myself that I don’t KNOW that he didn’t want this. This relationship was overwhelming for him. This relationship made him feel like a terrible person. This relationship shamed him in lots of ways. He didn’t fight for this relationship. He was quick to return to being on the prowl after this relationship.

I just texted him. I said “this is really hard”. It’s 1208am and my guess is that he’s already sleeping, he’s getting ready for work in the morning since he typically has morning shifts. It’s the first time I’ve texted him since the night we broke up.

I don’t know how to think or how to feel about this. I just wish I would have been PATIENT. I wish I would have been more deliberate in telling him about ME, ensuring that he listens and understands. I wish I would have forced him into therapy a lot sooner. I wish I would have recognized and corrected his martyrdom much sooner, and thought of him stressing the “us versus the situation” mantra much sooner. I wish I would have had that weekend to think, to spend time with him.

I wish he would have talked to me about it before he showed up. I wish he would have tried to come up with other ideas. I wish he wouldn’t have changed his fetlife profile, and that he wouldn’t have liked that girl’s naked photo. I wish he would have told me that he wanted for us to stay together. And maybe he DID say it, but I wish he would have said it over and over until I heard it. He told me he loved me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.

I applied for a bunch of jobs today. Just googling “senior hr business partner” and typing in a state, and applying for jobs with companies I think would be interesting to work for. It’s draining... It’s emotionally draining.

I heard back from the guy I asked to go to the party with me to serve me, he decided he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’ve accepted that I’ll need to buy a bigger bridesmaid dress... There’s no amount of dieting over the course of the next 1.5 weeks that’s going to get that damn thing to fit.

I miss him. I miss him and I regret not working harder to keep him.

Today I choose to be a Goddess.

June 17

Woke up around 805am, got out of bed at maybe 930am. I went to bed last night feeling really down about myself and about my relationship, just SO many feelings swirling. Right now I feel a little numb... Just not as in touch with my feelings as I was then. Big plans for today: send some important emails I’ve been dragging feet on for weeks, yoga, cardio, heading over to Amy’s to help powerwash her deck for her party this weekend.

Devin is young. And not very experienced in life, and comes from money, and I know that in my head but it’s hard dating someone like that when I take so much pride in my independence and the fact that I can afford the little things that I can afford. I spent over $1,000 within about three hours yesterday... I booked my flight for July, I reserved a rental car for the first few days of my trip, I booked an apartment for Virginia, I booked an apartment for DC, I still have to book one more hotel for the last night I’m in Virginia and figure out where I’m going to sleep while Devin is in DC (hopefully somewhere that doesn’t cost any money). I told Devin about the things that were booked, I forwarded along the apartment information, and he didn’t acknowledge any of it. He was so in his own feelings with how his work day went, and he takes things like hotel/apartment costs in stride anyway, and he didn’t say anything. And I felt hurt and unappreciated and bitter. The thought crossed my mind “if he’s not going to appreciate the money I’m spending to be there, then why am I spending it to be there... Would he even care if I cancelled”.

It’s hard. He just doesn’t know or understand. And he’ll likely never know or understand, because he’ll never be in a position where he won’t have money. I don’t know if having someone who’s on such the opposite spectrum of me when it comes to finances is a good idea... If I need someone who’s more like me so that they understand and can appreciate what I have and am capable of.

Psychology Daily - Quote

April 25

Today I feel better.

Things with Devin and I are still going really well, he makes me happy. He’s so damn SWEET. I was talking to Florida Matt about him, and I realized how very service-oriented Devin is. And this could be because of me pushing him to be this way, but he’s following along. He’s doing it, he’s my little slave. ❤️

I had a conversation with someone from USAA, which felt AMAZING. Just really positive, like he was definitely willing to help me out!! Which I LOVED. I feel more positive about potentially getting a job with USAA, I’m so set on moving in that direction. I REALLY want USAA.

Classes are meh. But not as desolate as I felt about them yesterday, so that’s an improvement. The house is still in shambles, the dogs keep peeing in the same spot on the floor so the floor boards are warping, there’s still lots of improvement to be done over the next few weeks/months, but I’m feeling more positive about it.

I love Devin so much. I love love love him. I don’t know what’s happened, but I feel so much less anxious in our relationship now. I just feel more secure in it, I’m not sure why. I wonder if he feels the same way. I’ll ask him about it during next week’s checkin.

April 27

Today I feel pretty good!! Not great (still not able to push myself to get some of this school work done that needs to be done, and as a result I’m not doing ANYTHING but wasting time) but I was social tonight... I went to Amy’s house for a BDSM 101 discussion. It was so great spending time with her! The rest of the people there were meh, I would have been just as happy if none of them were there (some of them I would have been much happier if they hadn’t showed up at all) but it was great seeing Amy again. I was about to type “I’m amazed she’s friends with me... She’s so charismatic and could be friends with anyone, I’m surprised she would choose to be friends with me” and part of me legitimately feels that way, but either way I’m glad we’re friends.

I just don’t WANT to write these damn papers. I think that’s the problem... I just don’t WANT to do it. And it’s childish and ridiculous and I know that deciding not to write it is hugely detrimental to my future (and I just need to finish out another TEN DAYS and then I’m DONE with this program!) but I just don’t WANT to do it. It’s really challenging.

But! Things with Devin and I are good, I’m happy with our relationship. I’m going to mention to him during our weekly check-in call that he has a habit of immediately complaining, immediately talking about why things won’t work and all the things that could go wrong, and that it’s definitely human nature, but that it’s difficult for me to feel positive about whatever I’m talking about, or to continue to try to come up with ideas or suggestions, if the first thing I’m met with is negativity from him. I think it’s going to be an ongoing process, and will definitely be a change to the way he currently thinks, but it would make such a huge difference. For me, anyway.

🍀🍀🍀

Today I feel tired. I just finished a letter to Devin... I’m not sure what made me write it in the first place, but somehow the idea came into my brain and I did it. More of an attempt for him to know me, for him to understand who I am. Why I needed the things I needed, why I felt the way I felt about certain aspects of our relationship.

I cried so much today. I’m exhausted. It completely drained me, writing that letter. So many emotions were pulled out of me, and I want to send it to him. I want him to read it and never stand it, understand ME and know ME. Because some foolish part of my heart can’t accept that this is over. I keep thinking that if he just KNOWS me, if he UNDERSTANDS me and if he can SUPPORT me, then we’d be able to be back together. We’d be able to be happy. I didn’t say that in the letter, and I’m wondering if I should. I don’t really see the point in it. I stripped myself bare in that letter.

Classes start in two days. This was a really challenging spring break, but a much needed one. And I’m so glad I have Jocelyn- I would have been so lost without her to guide me through this mess. Similar to how things were last July.

I miss him. I hate being without him. I hate that he was HERE, he was HERE and I didn’t get to enjoy him. I waited eight weeks to see him for three hours, to be crushed and broken when he left me. And I hate that even with that, I still miss him. I still want him back. I still want him to be back in my bed and in my arms and I want his sweetness BACK.

Jocelyn reminded me of what I said to her when she asked me why I stayed. She reminded me of my reaction. I immediately teared up and I said “because when I’m with him, I’m REALLY happy. I feel REALLY good about myself, he makes me feel... Incredible. I’m just so happy.” And I miss feeling that way, I miss the way he could brighten me.

I’m holding my breath for him again. He suggested that he wanted to write me a letter, he suggested that he was going to mail me a package, and I don’t know how sincere or empty his words are, but I’m holding my breath for him nonetheless. Knowing him, he would text me before he sent me anything. He wouldn’t just surprise me with a letter or a package. And he hasn’t texted, so I think it’s safe to assume that nothing has come in the mail from him headed in my direction. That, and he’s slow to get things like this done. He stews, he ruminates, he makes tons of notes in tons of notebooks. If he’s going to send me anything, my guess is that it won’t be until sometime in April.

But I still want him to send me something anyway. I still want to know whether I’m important to him.

What it means to treat yourself like a goddess

Taking a bath and actually taking the time to enjoy it, to clean yourself gently with care

Wearing jewelry that pleases you as well as clothing

Playing soothing nonvocal music

Drying yourself slowly paying attention to the beauty of every part of your body.

Let your hair down to be free

Being naked and feeling comfortable with your body (sleeping naked helps) and loving your body despite what you think

Makeup (or no makeup) make it a ritual to look as good as you do, even when your just putting skin care on and no makeup.

Lighting candles and incense of course

Bathing in moonlight (because of how much the moon represents fem energy and the goddess energies)

Eat healthy (as possible)

Realizing how strong woman really are

Accepting who you are as a women

Forgiveness of yourself (If you have scars, you deserve to tend to them like a child scraps their knee.)

How powerful you can be AND are.

Realizing the outer and inner beauty of yourself and those you love. 

Helping to lift others

The practice of self care and self love.