April 15
April 15
Today I feel really positive. Which is crazy, because I haven’t showered in four days, I’m four papers behind in classes, I have a lot to do around the house, I’m broke, I’m unemployed, I’m getting my butt kicked by allergies, and I’m neglecting the health and care of both my dogs and myself. But I’m feeling positive.
I have a job interview scheduled for Wednesday. It was initially scheduled for today but my allergies just weren’t cooperating. I WANT to be better. I WANT to get my work done, I WANT to get my finances inline, I WANT to eat healthy and exercise and take care of my house. And I think the desire to be better or to do more is so important- there have been times when I don’t want to, and then it feels almost impossible to get any changes made or real action taken.
Devin and I are doing REALLY well!! We’re talking... Like, really talking. And it feels amazing. Like New Relationship Energy all over again. I think he might feel more comfortable being honest with me about when he’s not going to get something done, or when he wants to change something or push back on something. I think he’s starting to understand that I know he’s human, that we’re both human, and that he can’t be perfect, and that’s okay. And not just him, but I think I’m understanding that too. I place so much weight on whether or not he’s doing the things I’m telling him to do, I take things so personally. It’s a lot of pressure on him.
I ordered an extra large pizza, garlic knots, and chicken wings from Papa John’s a few days ago and have finally finished off the last of it. I think it was creating a brain fog kind of situation, as well as not really helping with allergies. So now that that’s done, maybe (hopefully) I’ll be better about eating cleaner moving forward.
I think the challenge is that I’m lonely. I spend so much time on my phone because all of my friends are on my phone- I don’t SEE any of my friends or spend time with any of them. So I scroll through Tumblr mindlessly, I’ll do the same on Fetlife, I’ll reread text conversations because I’m lonely and I’m not doing anything else to fill my time. And really, I have A LOT to do. A LOT. There’s no shortage of things that I can do to occupy my time, but for some reason there’s some barrier. I “should” do this thing first and THEN I can do the less tedious things. Like, I don’t know why I haven’t vacuumed. I don’t know what it is I “should” do before I can vacuum. But I haven’t vacuumed, and I don’t typically. mind vacuuming. Same with scrubbing the floor because it’s a MESS.
In any case, moving forward I’d like to restrict the amount of time I’m blogging. Because I could spend HOURS doing this... I think 20 minutes of focused blogging time will be good. I’ll set a calendar reminder, and hopefully stick with it. Maybe blog every night at 11pm, because that’s when Devin is supposed to be journaling as well. Maybe we can both do it, and both increase self-awareness and contentment in our lives and ourselves and our relationships. We’ll see. 😊
More Posts from Goddessmba and Others
“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”
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What it means to treat yourself like a goddess
Taking a bath and actually taking the time to enjoy it, to clean yourself gently with care
Wearing jewelry that pleases you as well as clothing
Playing soothing nonvocal music
Drying yourself slowly paying attention to the beauty of every part of your body.
Let your hair down to be free
Being naked and feeling comfortable with your body (sleeping naked helps) and loving your body despite what you think
Makeup (or no makeup) make it a ritual to look as good as you do, even when your just putting skin care on and no makeup.
Lighting candles and incense of course
Bathing in moonlight (because of how much the moon represents fem energy and the goddess energies)
Eat healthy (as possible)
Realizing how strong woman really are
Accepting who you are as a women
Forgiveness of yourself (If you have scars, you deserve to tend to them like a child scraps their knee.)
How powerful you can be AND are.
Realizing the outer and inner beauty of yourself and those you love.
Helping to lift others
The practice of self care and self love.
March 18
Today I feel regret. So much regret.
I miss him like crazy. I haven’t had the gut-wrenching sobbing fests like I had been initially, but it’s been the instantaneous crying today. I cried at Walmart. I cried in the driveway texting Juicy. I cried as I was tearing chicken to put into little sandwich bags. I cried in the shower. I cried looking at photos of him as I was transferring everything to a memory stick. And it only lasts for a few seconds, less than a minute each time, but it’s chronic. I miss him all the time.
It feels so terrible. I feel so terrible. Because I miss him all the time anyway, and now there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no end to look forward to, it’s just missing him until I stop missing him. I wish the relationship wouldn’t have ended. I wish I wouldn’t have been so... PROUD. I wish I would have been more patient with him, more kind. Because he is SO kind. He is SO sweet, so kind, he’s wholesome and refreshing in a way that I’ve never known anyone else to be. (I’m crying again- another quick cry.) And even though I keep telling myself “I should have guided him through that conversation, I should have facilitated the discussion, I should have saved the relationship, he’s young and he depends on me for this stuff”, I also tell myself that I don’t KNOW that he didn’t want this. This relationship was overwhelming for him. This relationship made him feel like a terrible person. This relationship shamed him in lots of ways. He didn’t fight for this relationship. He was quick to return to being on the prowl after this relationship.
I just texted him. I said “this is really hard”. It’s 1208am and my guess is that he’s already sleeping, he’s getting ready for work in the morning since he typically has morning shifts. It’s the first time I’ve texted him since the night we broke up.
I don’t know how to think or how to feel about this. I just wish I would have been PATIENT. I wish I would have been more deliberate in telling him about ME, ensuring that he listens and understands. I wish I would have forced him into therapy a lot sooner. I wish I would have recognized and corrected his martyrdom much sooner, and thought of him stressing the “us versus the situation” mantra much sooner. I wish I would have had that weekend to think, to spend time with him.
I wish he would have talked to me about it before he showed up. I wish he would have tried to come up with other ideas. I wish he wouldn’t have changed his fetlife profile, and that he wouldn’t have liked that girl’s naked photo. I wish he would have told me that he wanted for us to stay together. And maybe he DID say it, but I wish he would have said it over and over until I heard it. He told me he loved me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.
I applied for a bunch of jobs today. Just googling “senior hr business partner” and typing in a state, and applying for jobs with companies I think would be interesting to work for. It’s draining... It’s emotionally draining.
I heard back from the guy I asked to go to the party with me to serve me, he decided he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’ve accepted that I’ll need to buy a bigger bridesmaid dress... There’s no amount of dieting over the course of the next 1.5 weeks that’s going to get that damn thing to fit.
I miss him. I miss him and I regret not working harder to keep him.
“A year ago, I would never have pictured the way my life is now.”
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