March 24

Psychology Daily - Quotes

June 5

Today I feel wistful.

I met with Mary Jo about doing some potential consulting work while I’m in South Bend for the summer. It was really positive... I think she’s excited about the idea of potentially giving me some things to do to help her company out. I ended up going to the gym afterwards, because of my conversation with her, and that made me feel a ton better as well. I drove home singing along to songs on my iPhone, the windows were down and the evening was cool, I was happy.

Devin disappointed me today. He had inventory this morning, so he was at work by 445am. I sent him a message last night, that he read when he woke up. It had a list of things (some were just I love yous, some were reminders, some were requests) and he said he would respond to it when he could. Yesterday, he asked for a call sometime this afternoon, and I said okay. He was supposed to get off of work at 2pm, and he didn’t call. Or respond to my text. I messaged him at 445pm asking if he was still at work, and he said that he wasn’t. We didn’t call, he didn’t even ask to call until I was already at dinner. He didn’t get to the things on my list until I expressed my anger about it, and some of them were easy things: sending me a picture of his wrist.

I felt unworthy. I felt like he didn’t want the relationship I wanted, I felt like I’m not enough to keep him interested. Or enough for a submissive to want to be the partner I’d really like for them to be. This is something that happens time and time again with him, and I don’t know if it’s just him struggling with figuring out who or what he is or if it’s that he’s not a good fit for me. Or, I’m not a good fit for him. I’m not enough to help guide him to be the slave he says he wants to be.

It was a tough day. I wanted to share my excitement with him about dinner and about going to the gym, but I’m hurt. So I’m withholding. Which the Master I want to be would never do, which doesn’t help with these feelings of unworthiness, but I’m going to lick my wounds and try again tomorrow.

“She doesn’t want to hear that she is flawless. She wants to hear that she is loved regardless of her flaws.”

—

November 29

Today I feel really satisfied. It’s been productive... I put up most of my outdoor Christmas lights (though I want to put lights up around the windows, and there’s a small spot on the roof that needs new lights, and I want to put garland around the light pole), I chose a date to take the PMP exam, I registered for a prep course, I got the student loan deferment forms printed and will be filling them out and mailing them tomorrow (Amy printed them for me- they’re at her house right now), I filled out the information I needed to for individual health insurance for next year, I scheduled a STI screening for Monday (sorry Devin, just don’t trust you buddy), I set a mouse trap, I washed a bunch of dishes, I’m just getting things done. For some reason the barrier I feel when trying to get things done is smaller today, so I’m able to hop over it. I think it started with the Christmas decorations... Or maybe it was as I was lying in bed, I asked myself “if I didn’t have to apply for jobs today, what would I want to do?”

I met with my therapist on Wednesday, and she told me to just go with this feeling... That eventually, I WILL want to find a job but for now I just need to enjoy life a little. And I told her that I wasn’t enjoying it, because there’s always this little voice in the back of my head whispering “you should be applying for jobs, you’re running out of money, there are all these things you need to get done and you can’t do fun things until you’ve gotten them done” so I’m just not leaning into the fun things like I could be. So I’m not applying for jobs, but I’m not getting anything else done because I feel like I CAN’T get them done until after I’ve applied for some jobs, which means I’m really not doing much of anything. So Wednesday was a fantastic session. It even got me to journal in here. 😊

I’ve been thinking about Devin a lot today... Must be a good day to process. I haven’t cried about him in weeks, and I didn’t cry today, but I’ve just been thinking a lot. Remembering the bullshit he said/did that I forgave him for, and my negative voice has been whispering, trying to make me feel bad, and it’s tough to not listen to him. Because really, I worked hard in that relationship. I found a boy, I loved him, and I worked hard to be true to that love, even though he wasn’t where I was. I loved him, I LOVED him in a way I was really proud to love him, and it’s not that I chose badly, because I truly believe that there’s this person he could be who is the perfect person for me. But he wasn’t ready to reach for that person, and that’s okay. Because MAN, can I love. ❤️

May 28

So a lot has changed... I’ve since graduated, and I’m unemployed. My worst nightmare has come true, and yet I’m still alive and well to tell the tale about it. I’m going to be staying in South Bend for a few weeks (months) until I have a job lined up. I was really panicked about it, really anxious and stressed and just using it to evaluate my self-worth like crazy, but for some reason all of that has faded and I’ve just ACCEPTED the circumstances. Which is nice.

Things with Devin and I are going much better. He’s collared now, he’s officially under consideration. I have no idea what that means to him. When we were together, things were great. He tried really hard. Now that he’s back in Virginia, he’s just gotten REALLY lazy. REALLY unwilling to do the things I ask of him. Most of them are little things (in my mind)... Things like daily journaling. Or anal stretching so that we can actually have the pegging sessions I want to have. He’s responsible for monthly contract reviews, for us to reread and talk about the contract we signed when he put the collar on. He typically tells me when he’s spending time with friends, but I’m noticing that he’s really selective about the friends he’s telling me he’s spending time with. We went to the Power Exchange Summit a few weeks ago and it was fantastic. I think he got a lot out of it. One of the sessions I attended said that challenges with control usually aren’t a struggle within the relationship but are a struggle within the bottom.

I don’t feel as though I can just tell him what to do, that I can say “you’re slipping, moving forward you’re going to do this” because I don’t think he’s going to do it. And THEN what do I do. It’s the constant mental struggle I have, it’s the number one reason leading (or maybe just leading HIM) is so difficult. Because he’s lied to me before. He’s ignored tasks, he’s ignored punishments, he’s just WAY doing his own thing on his own time and disregarding the expectations of the relationship.

It’s hard. I know he’s learning, I know he’s young and trying to individualize, I know he wants to be good but he’s just not willing to do a lot of the work it takes to be good. So what do I do with him given this circumstance. I have no idea.