Latest Posts by goddessmba - Page 3

March 21

Dangit, I typed something last night and then didn’t hit either save or post and Tumblr doesn’t default to saving posts as drafts so I lost it. Grrrr. I’ll try to remember what exactly I said.

Today I have a mixed bag of feelings. I feel rescued- I messaged Andrew about a $880 bill I received from a former therapist because apparently the insurance information wasn’t filed correctly, and he told me to send the bill to him and he would write a letter to the therapist and tell them to shove it. I feel frustrated- I’m still not having success with the job search, and it’s wearing on my self esteem. I thought I would have a lot of value to provide to a company, I thought I’d be a high commodity applicant since I have so much work experience and work experience that isn’t finance, but I haven’t been called in for an interview at all. I feel excited about classes- I’m taking two communications classes with the same Professor, which isn’t ideal but it means I have all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays (aside from my Gender Equality seminar on Wednesdays) and she seems REALLY engaged. I think she really cares.

I feel uncertain about Devin. We messaged some more last night, the post I wrote about all of him belonging to me really moved him. I know he’s starting to understand that things are changing for him, that the happy times he thought he would have for forever by staying in Virginia are going to be different from what he’s remembered or experienced in the past. I don’t know. I’m the only person he’s ever dumped. He’s been willing to put up with all kinds of bullshit and he chose to leave THIS relationship, when I have tried really hard to be good to the both of us.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind… It was a good movie to watch, thinking about Devin and I. I might want to watch it again in a few days. Just lots of insight and it helped with self-reflection.

March 20

Today I feel scattered. Devin and I texted today. Part of me wishes that we wouldn’t have. It’s a distraction, he’s a distraction. I haven’t done any classwork, I’m unmotivated, I just want to lie in bed, I’m falling into old habits.

I swing back and forth between wildly grieving him and feeling hopeful and being angry with him AND with myself for a million little things. He’s still him, he’s still young and self-absorbed and selective about what he responds to and he doesn’t help to address the things that feed my insecurities. He doesn’t understand those needs. Because he’s not there yet. But I still miss him, I still want him back. Because of what Jocelyn and I talked about a few weeks ago... He makes me happy. Forget the value he provides or his usefulness, he just makes me happy. Being WITH him, spending time with him, makes me happy. The challenge then becomes whether we’d actually be spending time together. Or how often. If he could keep up with that. And I’m not confident he can. Because if he could, I’d want to try to just not talk to him as much when we’re not together. Just let him do his business and I’ll do my business and we’d just be together when we’re together. We’d make each other happy in the way we both can contribute to making each other happy and in the other times we just wouldn’t bother.

I’ve been emailing with McKesson about jobs, I think I have a good contact. I think she’s willing to work with me, or help me get into the company. Which is fantastic. I hate that part of me is thinking that maybe I could work in Richmond during that time, maybe I could make the adjustment to be with Devin for a little while, so me adjusting to be with him instead of him growing to be with me.

Classes are a mess this mod. I didn’t get into the class I wanted (data storytelling) and I’m SO disappointed. My schedule isn’t the schedule I want, which is annoying and frustrating and makes me even more grumpy than I otherwise would have been. Bah. Grump grump grump.

What it means to treat yourself like a goddess

Taking a bath and actually taking the time to enjoy it, to clean yourself gently with care

Wearing jewelry that pleases you as well as clothing

Playing soothing nonvocal music

Drying yourself slowly paying attention to the beauty of every part of your body.

Let your hair down to be free

Being naked and feeling comfortable with your body (sleeping naked helps) and loving your body despite what you think

Makeup (or no makeup) make it a ritual to look as good as you do, even when your just putting skin care on and no makeup.

Lighting candles and incense of course

Bathing in moonlight (because of how much the moon represents fem energy and the goddess energies)

Eat healthy (as possible)

Realizing how strong woman really are

Accepting who you are as a women

Forgiveness of yourself (If you have scars, you deserve to tend to them like a child scraps their knee.)

How powerful you can be AND are.

Realizing the outer and inner beauty of yourself and those you love. 

Helping to lift others

The practice of self care and self love.

March 19

Today I feel hopeful. And I hate it. Devin responded to my text this morning, and it was sweet and aching and heartfelt and I didn’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond. He told me that he missed me, he told me that he still loved me, he told me that he hated himself for not talking to me first, he told me he mailed me a package and it had a letter in it that didn’t say much aside from wanting to talk to me. I miss him so much. It’s painful how much I miss him.

I haven’t cried today. It was the first day I haven’t cried, and I know it’s because I’m hopeful. I’ve caught myself goofy smiling thinking about things, remembering things, because my mind has already gone to “we’re going to do this again” or “the next time I see him I’m going to make sure this happens” and it’s REALLY hard. Because nothing has changed except that we’re a little older and our hearts are a little more bruised. But hope is a feeling, and I can’t make myself stop feeling a feeling, even if I want to. Even if I know that being hopeful is going to make all of this hurt so much more.

Today was the first day of class. And I bought my cap and gown today for graduation. I’ve decided I want to be celebrated after all. I want to invite people and send out invitations and make it a thing. Because I’m graduating from Notre Dame with my MBA and that’s fucking awesome. Because I struggled for a REALLY long time with academics and finances and my career direction and I’m achieving a huge milestone that I can be incredibly proud of.

March 18

Today I feel regret. So much regret.

I miss him like crazy. I haven’t had the gut-wrenching sobbing fests like I had been initially, but it’s been the instantaneous crying today. I cried at Walmart. I cried in the driveway texting Juicy. I cried as I was tearing chicken to put into little sandwich bags. I cried in the shower. I cried looking at photos of him as I was transferring everything to a memory stick. And it only lasts for a few seconds, less than a minute each time, but it’s chronic. I miss him all the time.

It feels so terrible. I feel so terrible. Because I miss him all the time anyway, and now there’s nothing to look forward to. There’s no end to look forward to, it’s just missing him until I stop missing him. I wish the relationship wouldn’t have ended. I wish I wouldn’t have been so... PROUD. I wish I would have been more patient with him, more kind. Because he is SO kind. He is SO sweet, so kind, he’s wholesome and refreshing in a way that I’ve never known anyone else to be. (I’m crying again- another quick cry.) And even though I keep telling myself “I should have guided him through that conversation, I should have facilitated the discussion, I should have saved the relationship, he’s young and he depends on me for this stuff”, I also tell myself that I don’t KNOW that he didn’t want this. This relationship was overwhelming for him. This relationship made him feel like a terrible person. This relationship shamed him in lots of ways. He didn’t fight for this relationship. He was quick to return to being on the prowl after this relationship.

I just texted him. I said “this is really hard”. It’s 1208am and my guess is that he’s already sleeping, he’s getting ready for work in the morning since he typically has morning shifts. It’s the first time I’ve texted him since the night we broke up.

I don’t know how to think or how to feel about this. I just wish I would have been PATIENT. I wish I would have been more deliberate in telling him about ME, ensuring that he listens and understands. I wish I would have forced him into therapy a lot sooner. I wish I would have recognized and corrected his martyrdom much sooner, and thought of him stressing the “us versus the situation” mantra much sooner. I wish I would have had that weekend to think, to spend time with him.

I wish he would have talked to me about it before he showed up. I wish he would have tried to come up with other ideas. I wish he wouldn’t have changed his fetlife profile, and that he wouldn’t have liked that girl’s naked photo. I wish he would have told me that he wanted for us to stay together. And maybe he DID say it, but I wish he would have said it over and over until I heard it. He told me he loved me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information.

I applied for a bunch of jobs today. Just googling “senior hr business partner” and typing in a state, and applying for jobs with companies I think would be interesting to work for. It’s draining... It’s emotionally draining.

I heard back from the guy I asked to go to the party with me to serve me, he decided he didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’ve accepted that I’ll need to buy a bigger bridesmaid dress... There’s no amount of dieting over the course of the next 1.5 weeks that’s going to get that damn thing to fit.

I miss him. I miss him and I regret not working harder to keep him.

🍀🍀🍀

Today I feel tired. I just finished a letter to Devin... I’m not sure what made me write it in the first place, but somehow the idea came into my brain and I did it. More of an attempt for him to know me, for him to understand who I am. Why I needed the things I needed, why I felt the way I felt about certain aspects of our relationship.

I cried so much today. I’m exhausted. It completely drained me, writing that letter. So many emotions were pulled out of me, and I want to send it to him. I want him to read it and never stand it, understand ME and know ME. Because some foolish part of my heart can’t accept that this is over. I keep thinking that if he just KNOWS me, if he UNDERSTANDS me and if he can SUPPORT me, then we’d be able to be back together. We’d be able to be happy. I didn’t say that in the letter, and I’m wondering if I should. I don’t really see the point in it. I stripped myself bare in that letter.

Classes start in two days. This was a really challenging spring break, but a much needed one. And I’m so glad I have Jocelyn- I would have been so lost without her to guide me through this mess. Similar to how things were last July.

I miss him. I hate being without him. I hate that he was HERE, he was HERE and I didn’t get to enjoy him. I waited eight weeks to see him for three hours, to be crushed and broken when he left me. And I hate that even with that, I still miss him. I still want him back. I still want him to be back in my bed and in my arms and I want his sweetness BACK.

Jocelyn reminded me of what I said to her when she asked me why I stayed. She reminded me of my reaction. I immediately teared up and I said “because when I’m with him, I’m REALLY happy. I feel REALLY good about myself, he makes me feel... Incredible. I’m just so happy.” And I miss feeling that way, I miss the way he could brighten me.

I’m holding my breath for him again. He suggested that he wanted to write me a letter, he suggested that he was going to mail me a package, and I don’t know how sincere or empty his words are, but I’m holding my breath for him nonetheless. Knowing him, he would text me before he sent me anything. He wouldn’t just surprise me with a letter or a package. And he hasn’t texted, so I think it’s safe to assume that nothing has come in the mail from him headed in my direction. That, and he’s slow to get things like this done. He stews, he ruminates, he makes tons of notes in tons of notebooks. If he’s going to send me anything, my guess is that it won’t be until sometime in April.

But I still want him to send me something anyway. I still want to know whether I’m important to him.

Reflections Of Eroticism

March 16

Today I feel conflicted. It’s difficult to accept all of the implications of not being in a relationship with Devin anymore. I think about all the things we had planned to do that we didn’t do... Sexual things, vanilla things, things we had intended on doing at some point in the future. I think about our dream house, or the trips we would have taken, collaring ceremonies or even the collars themselves. But even on a more granular level, I think about never touching him again. Never hearing him laugh or seeing the way his face looks when he’s concentrating on something. I’ll miss his patience, and his even-tempered ness.

I blocked him yesterday. When I realized he got onto fetlife the night after he dumped me to change his status to looking for a relationship and looking for a play partner. It hurt... Realizing it would take him no time whatsoever to bounce back. Thinking about him having meaningless sex or meaningless play with someone. And even though I blocked him, I keep thinking about if he’s reaching out to me- if he’s tried to contact me and he realizes that he’s been blocked. If he’d still want to write me a letter or mail me whatever gift he said he was going to mail that was leftover from Christmas. And if he did write the letter, if he would say anything I’d even want to hear. Or if it would just be more to hurt my feelings.

It’s hard though, especially at night. The times we’d likely talk to each other, it’s hard to not miss him in particular, to want to reach out to him or to just cry myself to sleep. It’s the time of night I’m most chatty with other friends, hoping to distract myself from missing him. Which is why I’ve just unblocked him on my iPad. Just in case.

I think about all the inspirational things I see on Tumblr. The inspirational stories I read on fetlife. I want to be that Goddess, I want to be that strong, confident woman who can move on quickly and easily. Who wouldn’t have let a relationship such as this one drain her dry for as long as this one drained me. My therapist keeps telling me to be very kind to myself, to treat myself gently as though I’m recovering from surgery. Just be very kind. And it’s tough to be. Chester is freaked out, and he’s trying to push me out of this funk with his “tough love” ways, and instead it’s just making me drown even more.

I spent the morning applying for jobs. I think I applied to ten, maybe. Lots of different companies, a few different locations. Two in Virginia, oddly enough. Part of me wonders (and is ashamed to wonder) if I’m considering positions in Virginia because of Devin. Because ultimately, regardless of where I find a job, even if it’s right next door to wherever he’s living, he’s not ready for me. He can’t accept me. He doesn’t know who he is and until he knows that and can accept that, he will not be able to give me the relationship I want.

It’s hard, ending a relationship and not being angry. Not feeling as though he’s the bad guy and he’s at fault. It’s just sad. It’s really fucking SAD. I don’t hate him at all. I love him and miss him and that foolish hopeless romantic part of me still thinks that he and I somehow have a chance. I keep thinking I can change, I can be more patient, I can adapt to wait for him to grow up. I can carry more of the weight of the relationship until he’s ready to shoulder it himself. I think this is the bargaining stage of the grief cycle.