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Salim: Everyone has their demons
Salim, holding Vampire!Jason: This one is mine
Eric, teaching Jason to drive: Okay, you're driving and Salim and I walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Jason: Oh, definitely you. I could never hurt Salim.
Eric, massaging his temples: The brakes, Kolchek. You hit the brakes.
Eric: What the fuck is Jason even doing?
Nick: HIS BEST!
Jason: Salim and I don't have pet names for each other
Nick: what do bees make?
Jason: Honey?
Nick: huh, really thought that would work
Jason: ha! You idiot
Salim, from another room: yeah?
Salim: Hostage or not, sometimes it's nice being held.
Jason:
Jason: Are you okay.
Jason: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box.
Nick: Did Salim say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'?
Jason: DUE TO PERSONAL REASONS–
Jason: Be myself? I have a day to win over Zain. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Nick: Couple weeks.
Rachel: Six months.
Eric: Jury’s still out.
Jason: See? “be yourself”, seriously, Nicky? What kind of garbage advice is that?
Jason: Fuck AND marry Salim, and I’ll kill everyone else.
Nick: Damn it, Jason. That’s not how the game works.
Rachel: I spy with my little eye something that starts with 's'.
Nick: *looks at Jason and Salim*
Nick: Is it 'sexual tension'?
Salim: Why the hell is there blood everywhere?
Vampire!Jason: Well, you see, it's simple color theory-
Salim: it’s been a rough 24 hours, we could stand to do something stupid
Jason: I’m something stupid, do me
Jason: OK I’M GIVING YOU TEN SECONDS TO TELL ME WHO ATE MY OREOS BEFORE I START WREAKING HAVOC ON YOUR ASSES
Eric: i saw Salim go into the cabi…
Salim: Eric please don’t do this
Eric: cabinet and grab the pack
Salim: why would you do this to me
Jason: oh Salim it was you? do you want another pack babe?
Jason after kissing Salim: this is sick as af as fuck if im being tbh
Salim: Crushes are the worst.
Jason: Right. Whenever I'm near someone I have a crush on, I start acting stupid.
Salim: You're always acting stupid.
Jason: Yeah... don't think about that too hard.
Salim: [takes a deep breath] Today is gonna be a good day
Salim: [deep breath] There’s going to be no bullshit
Salim: [opens the door to see Jason standing there]
Jason: My shoes are on the roof again
Salim: [closes the door]
Zain: can I have a cookie?
Jason: what did Salim say?
Zain: he said no
Jason: so why would I say yes?
Zain: because he’s not the boss of you
Jason, already taking out the cookie jar: you can have two
Salim: So.
Salim: I'm in love.
Salim: with Jason.
Salim: I'm in love with Jason.
Nick:
Nick: Our Jason?
Salim: Yes?
Salim: . . .thoughts?
Nick: And prayers.
Nick: so… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Salim recently.
Jason: no, Nicky, its not what it looks like, I swear.
Nick: oh really? so no reason for me to be jealous?
Jason: no! you’re the only one for me.
Nick: is that so?
Jason: i promise! Salim and I are just dating, okay? He’s my boyfriend.
Nick: so there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
Jason: you are still my one and only best friend! He’s just the love of my life, nothing more!
Nick: but I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?
Jason: of course bro!
Nick: bro...
Salim: what the-
Salim, whose first language isn’t English: Hello! I’m sorry if my English isn’t very good.
Jason, whose first language is English: Hte fuckign.
Jason: my boyfriend’s mad i haven’t replied to his post yet, like hold on shawty i’m tryna figure out how to spell georges
Jason: Yeah, don’t worry Salim, we had a great time at the pumpkin patch! isn’t that right Zain?
*a pumpkin strapped in the backseat*
Jason: I’m gonna have to call you back
Jason: I would die for you
Salim: I would die for you too
Jason, suddenly very emotional: Please don’t
the year is 2003
Salim: [trying to bond with his boyfriend] hey Jason! i got us tickets for this new underground band, i think they're called Michael- Michael Romance?
Jason:
Jason: YOU GOT US TICKETS TO FUCKING MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE?!?
Jason: I just offered Salim the world, so I don’t know where y’all are gonna live, but it can’t be here
Jason’s whole character arc summed up
Jason: I suck at apologies, so...Unfuck you or whatever.
Jason, depressed, lying on the floor: I just feel like a noodle
Salim joining him on the floor and hugging him: Good, I like pasta
Salim: Have you guys seen Jason?
Rachel: No, haven’t seen him since the storm started
Nick: Since the sto- JASON NO!
Meanwhile, Jason standing in the middle of a thunderstorm with a shovel raised high: STRIKE ME DOWN ZEUS, YOU DON’T HAVE THE BALLS
Salim: Okay, truth or dare?
Jason: Truth
Salim: How many hours have you slept this week?
Jason: ...Dare
Salim: Go to bed
Jason: I’ve decided that I don’t like this game
Nick: Please tell me you didn’t kidnap him, Jason?
Jason, carrying Zain: I didn’t kidnap him
Nick: Oh thank god
Jason: I adopted him
Salim: So, what was your childhood like?
Jason: Oh, you mean my tragic backstory that you must be at least level 3 friendship to unlock?
Salim: ...What level am I at?
Jason: 10. So it all started-