Latest Posts by littlecigs - Page 10

Been having a hard time with emotional regulation lately, and it just makes me feel so much worse. I really hate the feeling of being angry, and every time it hits it's like oh this feels BAD.

I'm starting to struggle with my weight again too. I thought I was better, but I guess eds don't really leave.

I can't even afford to go to therapy or get pills or anything. I know my problems are small in the grand scheme, but damn I'm tired.

It's been literal years since I've put anything on here. I thought I was such hot shit posting my poetry. I promise I'm better now 😅

I think I might start posting again. Probably just thoughts, not poems. Idk

I dreamt of you last night

It was still Christmas

And I was a fairy

But that's not important

I went shopping with friends I don't have

And had fun

Then I ran into you

And got angry

We had a fight

But you kept following me

And I woke up

So viscerally uncomfortable

I had the urge to scream

kill me kill me kill me

what's the use?

have you seen the news?

buzz like flies in dog shit

I can't watch this

can't they get a clue?

history repeats too often

sitting still is not an option

I just wanna die

c'mon, kill me

I'll be fine

tear me to shreds

I'm sick of this mad, mad world

make me someone's bride and count to ten

then blow my head out at the alter

I'm sick of this mad, mad world

I'm sick of the people

I'm sick of the doctors

I'm sick of YOU telling ME what's wrong with MY head

when it's MY head and NOT YOURS

make me into someone's dinner and say a prayer

tear me to shreds

I don't care

Lovesick and loveless

Empty hearts and empty stomachs

Quiet nights and weekend dates

With mannequins and seedless grapes

And skin too tight, too loose, too close

Skin on skin on skin on bones

Within these walls I cry alone

There's no one real inside this home

I feel sick, you know

In my head, in my heart

My eyes are filled with little black stars

And my stomach churns

With a thousand words I'll never say

Wake up and suffer

With green eyes

You bluster

Out white lies

And white noise

With gap teeth

And white boys

Stupid mistakes

And you take

And you take

It'll all go away

When your bed is your grave

And when you're tired, think of me

And when the world is all dark and bad dreams, think of me

And when you can't talk, can't walk, think of me

And when the air gets thick and your lungs get twisted, think of me

And when you're lonely, think of me

I'll be there

I dread these halls like the hand of God.

I don't want this to be real.

High off the way you speak

Submerging me

Can't think, think, think

It's only you

I come to beg for my forgiveness

The Devil has known me

And The Lord is angry

Touch me

Touch me with your holy hands

And cleanse my body of these sins

We feed like crows

The way we pick and pull at the scraps that life has dealt us

Anxious and demanding and fighting for whatever there is to spare

While the foxes hunt and overpower

They take and take and take

And we are left to clean up whatever they left behind

I crave the sensation of another being next to me

Loving me, wanting me, breathing me

Why can't I have that?

a solid sort of artificial sensation

the kinds that digs and claws and sinks it's filthy teeth into everything you are

leaves you in a place of remote isolation

and travels deep within the confines of what you use to explain yourself

there's no one here that truly gets it

no one who really wonders if you feel alright, past the point of superficial friendships that you know will never last a lifetime

never last more than a few months, weeks

it's over now, you think

and everything is meaningless

suffocating with how much i wish i had your arms around me

never thought i’d meet someone who really truly cared about my life

it happens all the time

i hate this

breathless

getting that feeling

where all you can do is hold your breath

and think

and feel

and it’s horrible because you forget

you always forget

and you can only remember

once you feel the burn in your lungs

in your throat

and you release a breath

far larger than any you’d released that day

and it scares you

and it happens again

Vulnerable

eyes a septic kind of green

skin a paper-colored sheen

that covers up all of the things

I don’t want you to see in me

The Wire

legs kick fiercely at the ground

dirt flies as claws sink further

I can feel it still

the wire

wrapped around my neck

and there is no hope

squeals from me, from them

the sound of wood snapping

it’s getting dark

Trees

un feu chaud et brisé

ça craque comme des os

avec les vignes qui sèchent autour de vous

ils étouffent ton corps

vos cheveux commencent à brûler

et vous êtes pris au piège

et le parfum est vil

pour quand tu meurs

ils meurent aussi

poetry (in English)

lavender and blue

don’t you know

my body is frail

and I’m all alone

red and green

they stain my skin

I love you

and I love them

une étape

silencieux

corps pressé contre le vent

sueur et larmes

qui est là? ils appellent

il n’y a pas de réponse

silencieux

gelé contre des arbres dansants

pourquoi moi? ils disent

mais ils sont un

et ils sont seuls

il n’y a pas de réponse

une étape

silencieux

(it’s not my first language so, apologies if the grammar is off slightly)