Suffocating With How Much I Wish I Had Your Arms Around Me

I’m traumatized cause every time I wanted reassurance, clarification and to share my feelings it was perceived as trying to argue, shit has really turned me into a cold person

It gets so old watching people have and get the things you so badly want. I just sit there hoping one day, it'll be me. But I've hoped for so long with so little in return that I'm finally starting to realize that it will never be me. I was born with the promise of being pitiful and undeserving.

It feels like no matter who I mirror, no matter how hard I try to please people, no matter how nice I try to be— no one fucking likes me enough to stay or just return my energy equally. It’s so exhausting but I keep trying and trying to get this love and attention but it’s not sticking.

Occultural magazine Abrahadabra issue #03, 1985

sometimes i feel like all i am is a disorder

it hurts so much more to be so aware of my behavior. it’s like i know i’m toxic rn and overly emotional. but when i mention it people won’t believe my illness anymore.

just because i’m aware doesn’t mean i can turn it off. if anything, it just makes me feel twice as bad about the thing happening and my reaction to it.

i'm damaged as fuck but i'll never hurt anyone the same way i've been hurt