Latest Posts by alovejr - Page 2
20’s
I thought my 20’s would be different. I thought it would adventures with my friends, lots of nights in the arms of someone I love, and working like a dog making a name for myself in my career.
It’s not like that. I spend most of my nights alone and forgetting my value because I’m so lonely. As for the career thing, well goddamn me for thinking my path forward would be more sensical.
Tonight is just one of those nights where I’ll probably cry, listen to sad songs, burn gas driving around then come back home accepting my fate. The loneliness I feel hurts my skin, my head and my heart. Why does living feel so overrated? My thoughts feel like they’re on shuffle. I wish I wasn’t so tormented. I thought I’d found peace... I guess it’s back to the drawing board.
(11.6.17)
Spinning
That’s what I felt myself starting to do. Spin. Emotionally I was unraveling and I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. The spiral of separation anxiety and depression was now unvavoidable and it had pulled me in.
Nothing I was feeling mad any sense. Dance. Die. Dance. Die. How is that I simultaneously wanted to dance and die... Ah, I get it now. Both of them looked like freedom to me.
I was flying, right down the highway. My music loud and my body swinging around behind the steering wheel without a seatbelt. Maybe I’ll crash. Maybe I won’t. But maybe I will. Why are these thoughts plaguing me, when all I want is to feel better?
“Come to the door! Let’s go to a wild bar!” I couldn’t decide where I wanted to land. I just didn’t want to feel. First glass of one, chugged. Second glass of wine, chugged. Third glass, never finished. At this point I was dancing to the appropriately leveled music, wanting it to be louder so I could drown myself out. The last voice I wanted to hear was my own. I never made it to the bar, but I was clearly trying to turn this living room into my own dance floor.
Finally I was coming down. The concert inside me was on its last performance, which was going to be a somber ballad. My eyes were wet, but no tears were making it down my cheekbones. “Don’t forget me.” Last text of the night. An indirect reminder that I might leave it all behind. I’m tired now, and this couch is wide open... I’ll just rest for a bit.
Morning came in cool and forgiving, the same could not be said of me. I felt the pangs of sadness floating around my chest. I didn’t want this feeling to consume me, so I rushed home. No mistakes were made last night, but I certainly didn’t feel good about how it all went down. At this point I just want the spinning to stop.
(10.20.17)
Good Morning
I can feel you. Your skin on mine. Our hair lightly intertwined. My thighs pressing on yours. No fabric between us. The sun spilling through the blinds onto our bodies. It’s warm, just warm enough. Last night... Goddamn! We’re lucky there wasn’t a noise complaint. Between the sweating and squeezing, I’m surprised my muscles finally stopped throbbing. Your hair and your neck in my hands... your lip between my teeth, you taste so good.
Look at you, fast sleep. Your body barely moving against gravity as that gentle heart of yours beats. The heart strong enough to hold me and my epic feelings. You’re still sweet to me even when I’m at my worst. Your hair always smells like the beach, and your lips a bit salty after the first kiss. Your body still fits in mine, it’s so comforting. I’m trying not to wake you as I run my fingers over your lower back down to your ankles. I want more.
I’m watching you from the bathroom, washing the taste of sleep from my mouth so I can wake you with sweet kisses. You feel so good under me. Your knee resting on my ass, your wrists crossed on the back of my neck. Take my weight baby. You like how heavy I am... Make me grow.
Out of breath again. Your head on my chest as the clock keeps ticking. I don’t want to get up, everything else can wait. This feels right. How do we do this to each other? Never mind, I dont want to ruin the magic, promise me you’ll never stop. Your eyes, they’re shining as you look at me. Your lips twitch before you speak and it’s one of the cutest things about you. What are you going to say to me my love?
“Good morning, baby.”
(10.6.17)
My new short film comes out tomorrow and I'm so excited! You can watch it on YouTube by searching "XING AJ LOVELACE" thank you for the support!
So proud of this! Cannot wait to share the full thing!
Here is the official trailer for our new film “XING!”
Loneliness is a disease for which the only cure is love. Some of us are still sick, and looking to heal. 🖤
I am power wrapped in bronze, dipped in ambition, filled with passion. ✊🏽
Such an amazing shoot!
We are so excited to release our new short film “No Apologies” next Friday! Tune in to watch!
I'm so proud of this!
Here it is!
Yes we are! ✍🏽
We are editing like crazy to get this ready! 🎞✂️🤔
This is about more than any single tragedy. This is about peace. Watch thefull video here: https://youtu.be/LI9JNSXZDBM
Can You Feel Me?
In your arms, I am sure. In your letters, I am sure. In your presence, I am lost.
You are a stranger to me, and yet you say the sweetest things to me. How can I trust you? How can I trust a stranger who looks at me the way you do? What is this question, burning behind my lips? Why do my brows feel heavy when I look at you? I wish you were as captivated by me, as you are by them. Is it your history, is that what it is? Or is it that we haven’t climbed and fallen together? Is it that we’ve not run off and created mischief together? Do you even care about those things?
Soul searching... I am searching for your soul.
I want to know you. I want to know you will love me, the way I need you to love me. Where is the fire? Where is the passion? Intimacy. That’s it. We rub and spark. We kiss and we spark. We touch and we spark. We speak, but there’s nothing. Our minds do not become interlaced with one another the way our legs do. What is it? How, is it?
I want to play... Be my playmate. Please?
I am raw and hard next to you. I look like an ax, next to you. Where is your grit? Dig deep into the earth and find your manhood. Feel the strength and character grow in your hands. Why? Why would you, when you are decorated in the eyes of so many. You look like privilege and sound like coins, but what is that smell? O how you smell like struggle, and taste like secrecy. Is that the issue? Is it?
Over and under... Desperate to meet in the middle!
Why are we road blocked? Why can we go no further? Is it my familiarity in this realm and your avoidance of it? What am I to you? Partner? Lover? Mystery? Fetish? Entertainment? What he fuck do you want from me?! We are so far from each other in so many ways, how can we connect? I will not press you. Go, be merry and have the time of your life. I have no desire to disrupt you. I only wish it was something we could share, but I am not so simple. Do the pieces simply not fit? Can they grow to fit?
In you it is easy... Out is so much harder.
Perhaps I am too big for your britches.
I pray for us. I hope for us. I cry for me.
(4.28.16)
