alovejr
Instagram: ALovelaceJrArtist: Film & Photography
69 posts
Latest Posts by alovejr
Here’s is the trailer for my new film “Expiration Date”! It’s a story about love in a way I feel we’re not used to seeing on screen. This is for us and by us! Enjoy!
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Tall, Dark & Lonely.
The train jostled him from one lonely moment to the next.
The train car was quiet. Just about everyone was a sleep or was falling into it. There was nothing outside the windows. Darkness and the occasional flicker of light. He was empty.
The open-ended feeling in his stomach was the pain of loneliness. He clutched his bag as if it would hold him back. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough the bag would absorb his sadness. Regrettably his efforts were no reciprocated.
How? How did he continually end up here? Close. Slam. Shut. The doors to love, companionship, affection, repeatedly shut in his face. Is it his karma? Is he unlovable? Is he simply unwanted?
The train doors are open. The air is warm, but not inviting. Where would it invite him to anyway? Further sadness? Deeper disappointment? Ugh, never mind.
The bed is soft. The darkness familiar. The loneliness his own. Lights out. Again.
(5.11.19)
Woke myself up screaming during a nightmare. 😔 I tried to calm my heart down but it took a while, even while watching my breathing.
GOALS
Reblog to have the same amazing year as Sandra Oh’s having for 2019
The first season of the show is here! A new episode every week! Please support!
Hey everyone! This is the first episode of my first ever web series! Please like, share, comment & subscribe! All of your support is appreciated so much! Thank you!
Push
I’ve been having a lot of feelings & I feel like I just have to push them down & stay neutral for as long as impossibly can. Just stay at 0 emotionally. Don’t go to -1 or +1, just stay in the middle & feel nothing. Stay blank. Stay safe. Stay acceptable.
(Everything in me wants to push this away and feel all the feels, but I know I am not allowed to.)
How?
How could I tell him my aesthetic is crying in beautiful places and that I think tenderness is a virtue?
He is a man of science, not romance. He loves flowers and watches them bloom, but doesn’t seem to value his own growth.
I like how he kept me warm at night, but his silence was so cold. Yet, it wasn’t personal.
He clearly has thoughts racing through his mind, but no ache to share them. No need to exchange ideals and penetrate each other’s gray matter. I wanted our brains and our bodies to merge.
I can’t address any of this with him, for it’s only met with cynicism. A know it all, who knows me not.
Standing in line waiting for my turn at the register fueled me with a desire to run. I walked out of the store with less time than I walked it, and that was the only change involved.
I wonder why no one is calling me. Checking on me. Wanting to hear my voice, smell my skin, or feel my hair on their face. The screen on my phone stays dark except for when I check for someone’s attention that isn’t there.
How has this become the soundtrack of my life? Silence and sobs. These are the constant sounds of my day to day.
How much longer can I endure this? How much longer will I have to? How?
(9.29.18)
This is the worst...
Having no one to talk to when you’re feeling anxious about being ignored. 😥
My aesthetic is crying in beautiful places.
A lot of people have hurt me. And sometimes I act like it. 🤷🏽♂️ Y’all let people get away with a lot worse.
Not sure why my brain decided my colour test was actually a music video. 😅
Choking
I could feel myself choking, on his internalized self loathing and the humidity.
This damn window is always such a bitch to open, but finally- I cracked it open and the rush of air was tickling the hairs on my body, and quenching my lungs.
The floor feels so cool on my skin, my always buzzing with warmth, skin. The shadows and colors on the ceiling look like so inviting and forgiving. They whisper to me, “you love you, that’s enough,” but I don’t believe them. As I gaze out the window I can see the sky, it’s perfectly clear. It looks painted actually.
Buzz, buzz.
What does he want now? To suffocate me further? Leave me alone! Go lie to the world somewhere else. Yo sé quién soy. Soy hermosa como soy. I hate him. I hate how this makes me feel.
I miss you.
Yea, I miss me too. I miss how free I was. How I had no fear, but now I fear losing your love. Losing. I fear losing, but I can’t and I won’t. I can’t lose out on love. Real, free, trusted love.
15 minutes.
That’s all the time I have to pull myself off this floor and feel like a whole person again. To feel my soul light up and be the roaring fire it truly is when it isn’t being snuffed out and stifled by bigotry and insecurity. Ahh! I’m tired of crying hot tears of desperation.
A kiss. A hand on my knee. A lie.
All this to make me feel special behind closed doors. Doors so heavy and thick that they can barely be opened. Doors that if we ran through them hand in hand we could be free.
It’s hot out. 9PM. 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Where is that damn breeze. I’m choking again, this time on the smoke from his day old blunt. Damn, anything else you want to suppress? It doesn’t really matter does it? Of course it does but he’ll never get it. Only one of us choking. You can’t know the feeling unless you’ve choked before.
(8.5.18)
I’m tired.
How I’m gon’ worry ‘bout y’all, but y’all ain’t worried ‘bout me? 😆
Sick, but took 5 minutes to do this.
Teaser for my new web series!
Just Me
I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.
I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.
I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.
So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.
Maybe one day someone will hear me.
(11.11.17)
Not Enough
Most of the men I’ve been with at one point or another have said, “AJ, I’m not enough for you.” This was stressful because I thought it made me ungrateful. Then I realized they were right. A friend of mine recently told me that my loneliness was causing me to end up with people who aren’t “good enough,” for me. These sentiments have been echoed by the very people in question. “What are you doing with me,” or “are you just settling with me until you find something better,” have been questions thrown at me before. I hate that I’ve put myself in these situations time after time, but I do get lonely, and it’s a struggle for me. However, it’s something I’m working on.
I’ve been looking for stability & security with someone else. I’m just realizing, I can do that on my own. I’m independent enough to take careful of myself, on multiple levels as I always have. I remember recently thinking I want to find someone who could help me with that, but maybe it’s time to late that new notion go. This only came about because I didn’t want to always be doing things alone.
I’m not longer looking for anything other than compatibility. I’m not actively pursuing anything in the relationship arena, but now I’m beginning to have a firm grasp on what I’m truly wanting from a relationship, should it arrive.
Here’s to hoping I can keep this up while pursuing my career. I know some days will be hard, but I’ll figure it out. I always manage to find a way.
(11.7.17)
