Alovejr - ENFP | POV

Yes we are! ✍🏽

We are editing like crazy to get this ready! 🎞✂️🤔

Such an amazing shoot!

We are so excited to release our new short film “No Apologies” next Friday! Tune in to watch!

Just Me

I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.

I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.

So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.

Maybe one day someone will hear me.

(11.11.17)

Tall, Dark & Lonely.

The train jostled him from one lonely moment to the next.

The train car was quiet. Just about everyone was a sleep or was falling into it. There was nothing outside the windows. Darkness and the occasional flicker of light. He was empty.

The open-ended feeling in his stomach was the pain of loneliness. He clutched his bag as if it would hold him back. Maybe if he squeezed hard enough the bag would absorb his sadness. Regrettably his efforts were no reciprocated.

How? How did he continually end up here? Close. Slam. Shut. The doors to love, companionship, affection, repeatedly shut in his face. Is it his karma? Is he unlovable? Is he simply unwanted?

The train doors are open. The air is warm, but not inviting. Where would it invite him to anyway? Further sadness? Deeper disappointment? Ugh, never mind.

The bed is soft. The darkness familiar. The loneliness his own. Lights out. Again.

(5.11.19)

My new short film comes out tomorrow and I'm so excited! You can watch it on YouTube by searching "XING AJ LOVELACE" thank you for the support!

20’s

I thought my 20’s would be different. I thought it would adventures with my friends, lots of nights in the arms of someone I love, and working like a dog making a name for myself in my career.

It’s not like that. I spend most of my nights alone and forgetting my value because I’m so lonely. As for the career thing, well goddamn me for thinking my path forward would be more sensical.

Tonight is just one of those nights where I’ll probably cry, listen to sad songs, burn gas driving around then come back home accepting my fate. The loneliness I feel hurts my skin, my head and my heart. Why does living feel so overrated? My thoughts feel like they’re on shuffle. I wish I wasn’t so tormented. I thought I’d found peace... I guess it’s back to the drawing board.

(11.6.17)

Not sure why my brain decided my colour test was actually a music video. 😅