Choking
Choking
I could feel myself choking, on his internalized self loathing and the humidity.
This damn window is always such a bitch to open, but finally- I cracked it open and the rush of air was tickling the hairs on my body, and quenching my lungs.
The floor feels so cool on my skin, my always buzzing with warmth, skin. The shadows and colors on the ceiling look like so inviting and forgiving. They whisper to me, “you love you, that’s enough,” but I don’t believe them. As I gaze out the window I can see the sky, it’s perfectly clear. It looks painted actually.
Buzz, buzz.
What does he want now? To suffocate me further? Leave me alone! Go lie to the world somewhere else. Yo sé quién soy. Soy hermosa como soy. I hate him. I hate how this makes me feel.
I miss you.
Yea, I miss me too. I miss how free I was. How I had no fear, but now I fear losing your love. Losing. I fear losing, but I can’t and I won’t. I can’t lose out on love. Real, free, trusted love.
15 minutes.
That’s all the time I have to pull myself off this floor and feel like a whole person again. To feel my soul light up and be the roaring fire it truly is when it isn’t being snuffed out and stifled by bigotry and insecurity. Ahh! I’m tired of crying hot tears of desperation.
A kiss. A hand on my knee. A lie.
All this to make me feel special behind closed doors. Doors so heavy and thick that they can barely be opened. Doors that if we ran through them hand in hand we could be free.
It’s hot out. 9PM. 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Where is that damn breeze. I’m choking again, this time on the smoke from his day old blunt. Damn, anything else you want to suppress? It doesn’t really matter does it? Of course it does but he’ll never get it. Only one of us choking. You can’t know the feeling unless you’ve choked before.
(8.5.18)
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Can You Feel Me?
In your arms, I am sure. In your letters, I am sure. In your presence, I am lost.
You are a stranger to me, and yet you say the sweetest things to me. How can I trust you? How can I trust a stranger who looks at me the way you do? What is this question, burning behind my lips? Why do my brows feel heavy when I look at you? I wish you were as captivated by me, as you are by them. Is it your history, is that what it is? Or is it that we haven’t climbed and fallen together? Is it that we’ve not run off and created mischief together? Do you even care about those things?
Soul searching... I am searching for your soul.
I want to know you. I want to know you will love me, the way I need you to love me. Where is the fire? Where is the passion? Intimacy. That’s it. We rub and spark. We kiss and we spark. We touch and we spark. We speak, but there’s nothing. Our minds do not become interlaced with one another the way our legs do. What is it? How, is it?
I want to play... Be my playmate. Please?
I am raw and hard next to you. I look like an ax, next to you. Where is your grit? Dig deep into the earth and find your manhood. Feel the strength and character grow in your hands. Why? Why would you, when you are decorated in the eyes of so many. You look like privilege and sound like coins, but what is that smell? O how you smell like struggle, and taste like secrecy. Is that the issue? Is it?
Over and under... Desperate to meet in the middle!
Why are we road blocked? Why can we go no further? Is it my familiarity in this realm and your avoidance of it? What am I to you? Partner? Lover? Mystery? Fetish? Entertainment? What he fuck do you want from me?! We are so far from each other in so many ways, how can we connect? I will not press you. Go, be merry and have the time of your life. I have no desire to disrupt you. I only wish it was something we could share, but I am not so simple. Do the pieces simply not fit? Can they grow to fit?
In you it is easy... Out is so much harder.
Perhaps I am too big for your britches.
I pray for us. I hope for us. I cry for me.
(4.28.16)
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
Clear Skin & A lot of money
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alovejr reblogged this · 6 years ago
