Can You Feel Me?

In your arms, I am sure. In your letters, I am sure. In your presence, I am lost.

You are a stranger to me, and yet you say the sweetest things to me. How can I trust you? How can I trust a stranger who looks at me the way you do? What is this question, burning behind my lips? Why do my brows feel heavy when I look at you? I wish you were as captivated by me, as you are by them. Is it your history, is that what it is? Or is it that we haven’t climbed and fallen together? Is it that we’ve not run off and created mischief together? Do you even care about those things?

Soul searching... I am searching for your soul.

I want to know you. I want to know you will love me, the way I need you to love me. Where is the fire? Where is the passion? Intimacy. That’s it. We rub and spark. We kiss and we spark. We touch and we spark. We speak, but there’s nothing. Our minds do not become interlaced with one another the way our legs do. What is it? How, is it?

I want to play... Be my playmate. Please?

I am raw and hard next to you. I look like an ax, next to you. Where is your grit? Dig deep into the earth and find your manhood. Feel the strength and character grow in your hands. Why? Why would you, when you are decorated in the eyes of so many. You look like privilege and sound like coins, but what is that smell? O how you smell like struggle, and taste like secrecy. Is that the issue? Is it?

Over and under... Desperate to meet in the middle!

Why are we road blocked? Why can we go no further? Is it my familiarity in this realm and your avoidance of it? What am I to you? Partner? Lover? Mystery? Fetish? Entertainment? What he fuck do you want from me?! We are so far from each other in so many ways, how can we connect? I will not press you. Go, be merry and have the time of your life. I have no desire to disrupt you. I only wish it was something we could share, but I am not so simple. Do the pieces simply not fit? Can they grow to fit?

In you it is easy... Out is so much harder.

Perhaps I am too big for your britches.

I pray for us. I hope for us. I cry for me.

(4.28.16)

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my work

Not Enough

Most of the men I’ve been with at one point or another have said, “AJ, I’m not enough for you.” This was stressful because I thought it made me ungrateful. Then I realized they were right. A friend of mine recently told me that my loneliness was causing me to end up with people who aren’t “good enough,” for me. These sentiments have been echoed by the very people in question. “What are you doing with me,” or “are you just settling with me until you find something better,” have been questions thrown at me before. I hate that I’ve put myself in these situations time after time, but I do get lonely, and it’s a struggle for me. However, it’s something I’m working on.

I’ve been looking for stability & security with someone else. I’m just realizing, I can do that on my own. I’m independent enough to take careful of myself, on multiple levels as I always have. I remember recently thinking I want to find someone who could help me with that, but maybe it’s time to late that new notion go. This only came about because I didn’t want to always be doing things alone.

I’m not longer looking for anything other than compatibility. I’m not actively pursuing anything in the relationship arena, but now I’m beginning to have a firm grasp on what I’m truly wanting from a relationship, should it arrive.

Here’s to hoping I can keep this up while pursuing my career. I know some days will be hard, but I’ll figure it out. I always manage to find a way.

(11.7.17)

Tags

Inspiration self love self care personal growth goals evolution focus worthy single black men maturity

13 notes View Post

alovejr

9 years ago