I Am Power Wrapped In Bronze, Dipped In Ambition, Filled With Passion. ✊🏽

Push

I’ve been having a lot of feelings & I feel like I just have to push them down & stay neutral for as long as impossibly can. Just stay at 0 emotionally. Don’t go to -1 or +1, just stay in the middle & feel nothing. Stay blank. Stay safe. Stay acceptable.

(Everything in me wants to push this away and feel all the feels, but I know I am not allowed to.)

20’s

I thought my 20’s would be different. I thought it would adventures with my friends, lots of nights in the arms of someone I love, and working like a dog making a name for myself in my career.

It’s not like that. I spend most of my nights alone and forgetting my value because I’m so lonely. As for the career thing, well goddamn me for thinking my path forward would be more sensical.

Tonight is just one of those nights where I’ll probably cry, listen to sad songs, burn gas driving around then come back home accepting my fate. The loneliness I feel hurts my skin, my head and my heart. Why does living feel so overrated? My thoughts feel like they’re on shuffle. I wish I wasn’t so tormented. I thought I’d found peace... I guess it’s back to the drawing board.

(11.6.17)

Clear Skin & A lot of money

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money 

Clear Skin & A lot of money

My new short film comes out tomorrow and I'm so excited! You can watch it on YouTube by searching "XING AJ LOVELACE" thank you for the support!

The gift of music… from @sennheiser 🎧

This is what it’s like to be loved by me.

How?

How could I tell him my aesthetic is crying in beautiful places and that I think tenderness is a virtue?

He is a man of science, not romance. He loves flowers and watches them bloom, but doesn’t seem to value his own growth.

I like how he kept me warm at night, but his silence was so cold. Yet, it wasn’t personal.

He clearly has thoughts racing through his mind, but no ache to share them. No need to exchange ideals and penetrate each other’s gray matter. I wanted our brains and our bodies to merge.

I can’t address any of this with him, for it’s only met with cynicism. A know it all, who knows me not.

Standing in line waiting for my turn at the register fueled me with a desire to run. I walked out of the store with less time than I walked it, and that was the only change involved.

I wonder why no one is calling me. Checking on me. Wanting to hear my voice, smell my skin, or feel my hair on their face. The screen on my phone stays dark except for when I check for someone’s attention that isn’t there.

How has this become the soundtrack of my life? Silence and sobs. These are the constant sounds of my day to day.

How much longer can I endure this? How much longer will I have to? How?

(9.29.18)