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Tlh Gang - Blog Posts
Thomas: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me
Matthew: Okay, but in my defense, James bet me 3 pounds that I couldn’t drink all the shampoo
Thomas: That’s not what I wanted to-
Thomas: You drank SHAMPOO?
[TLH Group Chat]
Lucie: Hey guys, if you post your password in the groupchat it’ll block out!
Lucie: *******
Lucie: See?
Cordelia: That’s so cool!
Cordelia: *****
Matthew: heronchild4ever69
Matthew:
[Matthew has left the chat]
James: Aww, you’re so romantic, lighting candles for me
Grace, drawing a pentagram: I’m about to sacrifice you, if you haven’t noticed yet.
Matthew, violently shaking: I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I’VE FED THEM, WATERED THEM, WHY ARE THEY DEAD?!
James: Matthew, please put the fertilizer down, you’re scaring us.
Modern Lucie x Jesse
[texting]
Jesse: Hi, who is this? Grace was bored and changed all my contacts to mythical creatures.
Lucie: What’s mine?
Jesse: Dwarf
Lucie: SHE’S SO MEAN I’M NOT THAT SHORT!
Jesse: Oh, hi Lucie
Lucie: FUCK
Charles: Whenever I’m mad at Matthew I tighten the lids on all of our jars so that he has to ask me for help…
*sound of glass shattering, screaming from distance*
Charles: It hasn’t worked yet…
Clave member: Now we’re going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I’ll ask you a few questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Charles: Yes
*lie detector explodes*
Police Officer: Turn around
Matthew: 🎵 Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round 🎵
Police Officer: TURN AROUND
Matthew: 🎵 Every now an-
Matthew: *gets tased*
Will: You need a hobby
James: I do have a hobby!
Will: Well, being angsty and sad isn’t a hobby!
Matthew from distance: It isn’t?!
Matthew: WELCOME TO FUCKING APPLEBEE’S, DO YOU WANT APPLES OR BEES?
Alastair: … Bees?
Matthew: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!
Alastair: Wait...
James, approaches them as he shakes a jar of bees: 😊
Alastair: wAit-
Christopher: I’m scared
Gabriel: Your mom said to go to bed.
Christopher: But there’s a monster under my bed!
Gabriel: Is it scarier than your mom?
Christopher:
Christopher: *goes back to bed*
Anna: Yo, is that guy sleeping or dead?
Matthew: Hopefully dead, I hated that guy.
James: Yeah, so did I.
Alastair, laying on the floor: First of all, fuck you all-
Will: I found James. He was sleeping while training again.
James: I wasn’t sleeping, someone drugged me!
Will, turning around to Tessa: Cancel that, he was doing drugs.
Matthew: You should take off your glasses more often
James: *stops*
James: *looks around*
Matthew: What is it? Did you lose anything?
James: It looks like I lost all my fucks and I have none to give
James: I’m not scared of you! None of us are!
Christopher: I kind of am
James: Christopher, shut up!
Cordelia: Knowledge is power
Alastair: Yes
Cordelia: *smacks him with a trigonometry textbook* KNOWLEDGE
James: I love you, Lucie. Even if you are Dad's favorite.
Lucie: Me? WHaT? No!
James: It's true. Look, if we were sitting in a sinking boat, you know who he's saving.
Lucie: Cordelia
James: ... yes
Tessa: You are an ADULT, Will. It’s your job to keep our children from making stupid decisions like this!
Will: That is true…
Will: … but I was also really curious to see how many donuts James and Lucie can eat in one minute.
James: A-C-D-F-B-G-
Lucie: What are you saying?
James: I’m singing the alphabet
Lucie: That’s not the alphabet-
Matthew from upstairs: YASSS GIRL REMIX
The Merry Thieves: [searching the beach]
James: Sorry guys, looks like there’s no sand dollars left
Christopher: Can’t the ocean just make more of them?
Matthew: And cause inflation? Destroy the sand economy? By the angel, Christopher, use your head.
I am very proud to announce that I am officially a lost cause. Thank you all for your continued support. Unfortunately, it was all for nothing.
- Matthew Fairchild, probably
Cordelia: He is probably thinking about other girls…
Lucie: You never know what’s going through a guys mind.
[Meanwhile]
James: If you sat on a voodoo doll of yourself would you ever be able to stand up?
Matthew: Holy shit, bro
Thomas: I have a boyfriend now
Matthew, encouragingly: A boyfriend?
Thomas: [reflexively gives a panicked peace sign]
Matthew: TWO boyfriends?!
Pillow Talk
James: Sometimes, Cordelia sleep talks
Cordelia, sleeping: KILL THE BITCH
James: I didn’t say I enjoyed it.
Cordelia, in the background: DIE
Will: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Will: *aggressively throws water bottles*
James: …
Matthew: Uh…
Lucie: He’s trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Matthew, crying: It’s working
Kidnapper: I have one of your group members
Thomas: Oh, really?
Matthew, drunk in the background: IT’S ME, MATTHEW!
Thomas: You have the wrong number
Playing Twister
Lucie: James, right hand red
James: [ends up on top of Cordelia]
James: Okay, you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?
Lucie: I stopped spinning like 15 turns ago. Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t notice sooner.
Matthew: Welcome to the “I Hate Matthew Fairchild”-Club
Matthew: and I, of course, am the president.
Matthew: *looks over at James* Poke
James: *without looking up from his book* Poke
Matthew: Poke *pokes James on his cheek*
James: Poke *pokes Matthew on the arm*
Matthew: Poke!
James: Poke!
Matthew: POKE
James: POKE
*a poke war ensues that somehow ends up on the floor with Christopher on top thinking it was a hug party*
Thomas:
Thomas: WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW???