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The Merry Thieves - Blog Posts
Thomas: Can you teach me… how to hoe?
Matthew: Rude
Matthew: [sips wine]
Matthew: but yes
Matthew: So, I was watching my dog chase its tail for 30 minutes and thought “Wow, animals are easily entertained.”
Matthew: But then I realized I was watching my dog chase its tail for 30 minutes.
Thomas: Where do you want to be in five years, Alastair?
Alastair: *under his breath* Hopefully in your bed
Thomas: What was that?
Alastair: I sAid HoPEFULLY DEAD!
Christopher: Matthew, what’s a metaphor?
Matthew: “My life is a train wreck”
Christopher: I know, but what’s a metaphor?
Alastair: Date me
Thomas: What?
Alastair: I said… mate with me
Thomas: Excuse me?
Alastair: I said-
Thomas: You hate me
Alastair: Yes, that
*At the end of Chain of Gold*
Tatiana: THIS DEMON’S SPAWN BURNED MY HOUSE TO THE GROUND!
Lucie: What is HAPPENING?
Thomas: James’ getting served
Christopher: But I haven’t even ordered yet
Inquisitor Bridgestock: ORDER
Christopher: Uh, yeah, a Cheeseburger please!
Elias: Alastair, I can give you things that last forever!
Alastair: You mean actual parental love?
Elias: I meant trauma
Thomas: So, does everyone know what they’re doing?
Matthew: You mean in life or the plan?
Thomas:
Matthew: because I’ve no idea of either.
Alastair: When I die, you’re going to piss on my grave, aren’t you?
Matthew: Oh yes, most definitely
Alastair: Cool, just checking
Thomas: I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief
Matthew: I would walk through fire for the Merry Thieves!
Matthew: Well, not FIRE because it’s dangerous, but like a super humid room
Matthew: Not too humid because… you know, my hair
Matthew: My computer is broken
Thomas: Just give it to the IT guy
Matthew: Okay
Matthew, walking outside and tossing the computer into a sewer: Good luck
Officer: I heard you got pot
Matthew: *holds up flower pot* You mean this?
Officer: Oh, ok. What you growing?
Matthew: Weed
James: Hey, uh, so I’ve been reviewing this itinerary and I don’t really get it.
James: Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won’t that get kind of messy?
Matthew: That’s why we feed them glitter, Jamie.
Christopher: I can’t believe that Britain is 1903 years old!
Matthew: You idiot, that’s how old Earth is
James: No way! :O
Matthew: I can’t believe you two didn’t know that!
Thomas, about to cry: They’re so fucking stupid
Christopher: I almost got surprise adopted yesterday
Thomas: What?
Matthew: He almost got kidnapped
Thomas: Oh, okay
Thomas: WAIT WHAT
Thomas: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me
Matthew: Okay, but in my defense, James bet me 3 pounds that I couldn’t drink all the shampoo
Thomas: That’s not what I wanted to-
Thomas: You drank SHAMPOO?
[TLH Group Chat]
Lucie: Hey guys, if you post your password in the groupchat it’ll block out!
Lucie: *******
Lucie: See?
Cordelia: That’s so cool!
Cordelia: *****
Matthew: heronchild4ever69
Matthew:
[Matthew has left the chat]
James: Aww, you’re so romantic, lighting candles for me
Grace, drawing a pentagram: I’m about to sacrifice you, if you haven’t noticed yet.
Matthew, violently shaking: I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I’VE FED THEM, WATERED THEM, WHY ARE THEY DEAD?!
James: Matthew, please put the fertilizer down, you’re scaring us.
Police Officer: Turn around
Matthew: 🎵 Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round 🎵
Police Officer: TURN AROUND
Matthew: 🎵 Every now an-
Matthew: *gets tased*
Matthew: WELCOME TO FUCKING APPLEBEE’S, DO YOU WANT APPLES OR BEES?
Alastair: … Bees?
Matthew: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!
Alastair: Wait...
James, approaches them as he shakes a jar of bees: 😊
Alastair: wAit-
Anna: Yo, is that guy sleeping or dead?
Matthew: Hopefully dead, I hated that guy.
James: Yeah, so did I.
Alastair, laying on the floor: First of all, fuck you all-
Matthew: You should take off your glasses more often
James: *stops*
James: *looks around*
Matthew: What is it? Did you lose anything?
James: It looks like I lost all my fucks and I have none to give
James: I’m not scared of you! None of us are!
Christopher: I kind of am
James: Christopher, shut up!
The Merry Thieves: [searching the beach]
James: Sorry guys, looks like there’s no sand dollars left
Christopher: Can’t the ocean just make more of them?
Matthew: And cause inflation? Destroy the sand economy? By the angel, Christopher, use your head.
Thomas: I have a boyfriend now
Matthew, encouragingly: A boyfriend?
Thomas: [reflexively gives a panicked peace sign]
Matthew: TWO boyfriends?!
Will: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Will: *aggressively throws water bottles*
James: …
Matthew: Uh…
Lucie: He’s trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Matthew, crying: It’s working
Kidnapper: I have one of your group members
Thomas: Oh, really?
Matthew, drunk in the background: IT’S ME, MATTHEW!
Thomas: You have the wrong number