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♇ Thoughts on P L U T O ♇

I just woke up from a dream about an old boyfriend. We haven't spoke in five years. It had a very intense & dramatic ending. I lost nearly 25 pounds following the breakup, because I started new psych meds that had bad side effects, and I was so depressed I basically was letting myself wither away.

I just looked at our Composite Chart. Turns out we have Pluto in the 7th House. The house of Libra, the house of Relationships, Marriage. I believe it also rules the courts. Libra is about balance, finding resolution in relating to others. The 7th house is the start of the 'external' energy in the zodiac wheel. The first 6 houses are internal, about the individual. Then, the energy starts to look outwards. How you fit into society, the world, at large.

Looking back at our chart, it makes sense. Seeing Pluto there, he taught me a lot about what is appropriate in social relationships. In a very intense way that I won't get into. But I sure learned my lesson. Painfully so.

My Natal Pluto is in my 5th House. This is said to make one obsessively pursue art, or self expression. The 5th house also rules recreation like sports, but also your posterity/children. I do obsessively try to 'create' content to post online. Graphics, photography, poems, blog posts.

Perhaps Pluto shows where you will learn your strongest or most intense lessons.

Here's our composite chart. The fact the Sun was in the 5th house makes sense. I have Pluto there. I always had a vision of me gardening when I thought of him. Our composite sun is in Virgo. Gardening is so virgo.

Seeing the end of our relationship, and that we haven't spoke in 5 years. The Venus opposite Sun makes sense. He was also very nurturing towards me and helped take care of me. Moon in 4th. He was successful and helped me be stable and go to work and stuff. Jupiter in 10th. Jupiter is expansion and fortune, 10th house is house of career and profession.

Neptune in 9th and Uranus in 8th make sense too. We both shared mystical ideas and had a lot of mystical experiences. I suppose the Saturn and Pluto placements show the lessons he taught me. Our relationship taught me. Over personal property, home life, and relating to others in society.

"There are no secrets!"

I blurt out at the dinner table. We are at my Great Aunt Linda's, in Somerset, Kentucky, for our annual family holiday get together. My cousin Brenda gives me a look I've never seen before. She looks at me like I'm an absolute lunatic. Like I just cut off the cat's head and am growling maniacally while its corpse drips blood from my jaw.

Only, that wasn't quite the case. In fact, I don't think anything I did or said deserved this kind of reaction. You see, I was 19 years old, and it was the year after my first year of college. My father and I had gotten into a nasty fight, but we hadn't discussed it yet. I said something to him about it in front of the whole family. Bad timing, I guess.

But in my mind, if in heaven or the afterlife, everything would be known -- why lie or try to cover things up in the present?

Welcome to the world of the 1 2 t h H a u s

The watery, elusive ocean. Where the ego, the self, individuality, becomes a mere drop in a vast sea. And the certain, reliable structures and fortitudes of material reality dissolve into a schizoaffective mod-podge of reality.

In astrology, the 12th house represents the end of the karmic zodiac wheel. It starts with Aries and the 1st house, then travels all the way around, till you end up with Pisces & the 12th. It rules over areas of life such as prisons, insane asylums, monestaries, rehabs, psych wards. Who wouldn't want to have their Sun sign there? Or Moon?

As you may be aware, the 12th house doesn't have the greatest of reputations. Planets here are elusive, hidden, not easily accessed. Like a monk, far away on a foggy, hilly terrain. With no cell phone or 2023 MacBook Air. Or a prisoner who lost his mind and is locked away for the rest of their life. Geez. At least something beautiful I heard about prisons and the 12th house, is that spiritually speaking, prisons and institutions are meant to save you from yourself.

Meaning, you can't harm others and create more karma for yourself when you're locked up. In practice though.... Prisons are pretty violent. But I've never been to prison. I have, however, been in and out of the psych ward for much of the beginning of my adult life.

It was mostly because of suicidal depression. Enter nervous breakdown from the immense pressure of being away from home in a small town for my first year of college. Being gay. Working class. It was a mess. What I thought would be an easy four year finish with a high paying job waiting for me, turned into a dead end. Nervous breakdown, bipolar diagnosis, joined a strange new religion (Hi Mormons <3) I took the Spring semester off after a week-long stint in the local psych ward. It would've been shorter, had they believed me about my throat hurting. I had tonsolitis.

Well, in my time away from school, I realized how s p i r i t u a l I was. I wanted to find the meaning of life. The right path. I researched and found that most religions didn't support homosexuality. Which sucked, because I was already out and had a boyfriend in high school. But I was raised by a paranoidly religious father in the Southern Baptist faith, and I had a fear of going to Hell. I also had a lot of toxic masculinity ideals internalized.

Eventually, I join the Mormon Church, but realize even among other church members, I was different. For instance, one afternoon on my porch at my Grandmas in Kentucky, I was praying/meditating -- all of a sudden, I just felt so transcendentally connected to the land. I imagined Native Americans on the hills by my house. It was an odd feeling. Dimensional.

At Church, I could see auras and glowing light emanating from other members, when they went up to the podium to bear their testimony. I found out later there was another kid in church who could see the same golden light. Most people didn't, though.

I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house individuals are drawn to conservative religions such as Judaism, Catholicism, and Mormonism. I laughed and put the book down after I read that. The LDS Church was so important to me from 18-21. I was devastated when I had to choose being authentic to myself as a gay man over my religion. I really lost meaning and hope and drive, for my life.

The 12th house.

My father also has a twelfth house sun. Isn't that odd?

That we both have Sun in the 12th house. The issue is, I don't want to be like my father. I appreciate him, sure. Of course. But he acts a bit like a man lost at sea on a deserted island. His house a shack he built out of random wood. His best friend a volleyball. Except all of this while he's living in the middle of suburbia. That is the vibe, I fear.

I love him, I do. I also blame all the earth energy in his natal chart. I mean come on, the man quite literally ONLY has earth signs in his chart. Like no other element. What the hell?

So it leaves me to wonder.

How do us 12th house natives navigate the foggy, uncertain waters? How do we stay sane in a material world, when the veil is so thin to the other side? How do we find meaning and reason in a material, hostile world, when the peace and happiness of Heaven is right there, waiting for us?

Really, I must know. I'm almost 30. And I'm afraid I'm missing my moment. I want to be successful, but lately, every well I seem to throw my bucket down, turns out to be dry. I've fallen for the illusions long enough -- the only issue is, I can never tell what illusions I'm falling for until after the fact.

I didn't realize how crazy I was when I was younger when I was acting crazy. It was other peoples reactions, and my many, many, many psych ward visits that I realized I might not be the best suited for this world. It's so mean spirited, individualistic. I don't know how to cope or manage. Maybe this is the doom, the destiny, of my Sun in 12th house.

If I was a 3rd House Sun, I would be a writer or a journalist or a teacher. A 4th house Sun, a stay at home mom or run a daycare. A 9th house Sun, I'd be a professor or a travel agent or a psychaitrist.

What does a 12th house sun become? Shamanistic Healer?

I have no idea how to do that, and I've got bills, honey!

Analysis of Ethel Cain's Natal Chart

Bonjour everybody,.

I've gotten a recent fascination, maybe even obsession, with Ethel Cain. She is probably the first musician that I've really felt like /gets me/. Like her songs, her lyrics, her vibes. Like it truly speaks to my soul. I actually discovered her from a youtube video suggested to me from the algorithm, but it wasn't even one of her songs. It was just a video of her talking about divinity and music and stuff and I just listened to it one afternoon and picked up strange, familiar resonances. Soon I'd listen to her music and fall in love with her. I feel like she gets it. She gets where I come from, growing up working class in the South.

I got the idea to do an analysis of her natal chart. I've been studying astrology for almost ten years now, so I'm just gonna spitball my observances for y'alls entertainment and consideration.

Alors, c'est parti.

Ok, so immediate impressions, we should start with her sun moon and rising, which are Aries Sun 5th house, Aquarius Moon 3rd house, with a scorpio rising. A 5th house sun makes sense to me, as well as all the other planetary energy here. The 5th house is the house of creative expression, leisure, children, recreation, and just like how one expresses their own ego and swagger through art or whatever. Think Leo. The fact she's a famous musician would make sense. She's expressing herself through her music. I think the Aries energy here probably made it come rather naturally to her. Fire signs just are themselves unapologetically in a way that I, a water/earth sign, admire. The Scorpio ascendant also makes sense to me. Y'all Ethel fans know a b**** scary. She's my little scorpio slytherin princess tbh. We love her for that. That's so scorpio. Intense, but refreshing. Another thing that sticks out to me is the North Node in Virgo 10th House. The north node is your life's destiny point, and the tenth house is the house of one's career, public image, and public life. It's like she was destined to be a public figure. Another part that sticks out to me is the fact that it is in Virgo. We all know a heavy theme in Ethel's music is growing up with a rigid, conservative religion. I feel like Virgo is a rather rigid, stiff sign. I have my moon in that sign so I would know ;) Having energy in the sixth house, or the house of virgo, also supports this. To speak on her moon, I don't have too many impressions other than maybe her moon being in the third house, the house of communication, would explain why she is so well spoken. She seems to articulate and express herself very well. Moon being in the sign of aquarius, which is a very far reaching sign, cast a wide net etc etc, would explain why she rose to fame so quickly with the Internet. The internet is a very aquarius thing.

Here are some clippits I got from the internet. I hope y'all enjoyed reading my interpretation. If you're reading this Ethel, I love u <3 and it's my dream you use one of my poems for a song one day. Feel free to check me out on instagram, @kedwardcook

XOXO

perhaps, misery isn’t something to run from, but a ship that must set sail.

I've had an extremely turbulant emotional life, which I can attribute to many different astrological aspects + placements I have.

It's been strange coming to discover as I get older how much of my world is inside my head, though. How many times I've assumed something, had meltdowns, only to later find out 90% of it was in my own head.

Moon square mars, like my blog suggests. My other blog was sunsextilemoon, but after tumblr flagged my account for adult content, I figured it was best to start over so I could still have reach.

Moon square mars makes one passionate and headstrong. I read that it is similar to the relationship between Cancer and Aries. Cancer, the emotionally nurturing, sensitive, going head to head with the impulsive and self expressive Aries. Aries was always one of my least favorite signs. My sun is in cancer, and moon in virgo. I've always been surrounded by Saggitarius, that's my favorite sign. But I always saw aries as childish and insensitive. I had a roommate, coworker, and someone who has become a best friend who is an aries. So my aries prejudice has been tamed a bit.

I would attribute my intense anger problems to my moon square mars. I don't struggle with it so much anymore, but as a kid, if somebody accidentally hurt me, I would come back at them twice as hard. Like ruthless. I also constantly struggle, on a day to day basis, with this inner conflict between what I 'feel' like I need to do, vs what I want to do. I usually let want win. Sometimes I can get too lost in my feelings, I guess because of my 12th house sun.

Moon Square Pluto.

This aspect I think gets me in a lot of trouble. It's not intentional, of course. But I definitely feel the emotional block. I will be fine, things will be going alright, then out of nowhere, a wave will come and completely knock me off balance. I'll get so overwhelmed and almost hysterical. Sometimes just super moody. and then when it's over, I'm like, what the hell happened? there doesn't seem to be a concrete cause or trigger. It just happens. I'm 27 and it still just happens.

The 12th house placement I think is a blessing and a curse. I sense the strangest of things, and have spiritual gifts. but I've been to the psych ward more times than I can count, and my daddy a crackhead who is also a 12th house sun. I love him of course, but the 12th house energy is obvious. His house has a feeling of being a hut on a deserted island, yet it's in the middle of a subdivision surrounded by other houses. He just gives me tom hanks castaway vibes, even when he's surrounded by society.

I take various drugs and medications to help tame my turbulant emotions and achieve my goals. I do weed often, because it helps with my temper. I'm also extremely impatient. I feel like weed puts me in touch with my moon. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but when your moon squares your mars and your pluto, it can cause some problems.

I also have Sun Square Saturn, which quite honestly, is a PAINFUL placement.

I've had terrible, terrible, terrible depression for most of my life. Completely sucks the life out of me. Apparently saturn can deplete the energy of the sun, and I get depleted baby.

I went to a church service on time, and the preacher said something about "misery being a ship that needs to set sail, instead of being avoided" and that really healed me. I feel like I got so scared of my depression, my own mind and thoughts, I would run around manicly just doing WHATEVER I could so I would not feel that way anymore. I was so scared of it. But sometimes you just have to sit with yourself and your emotions, and grit your teeth.

In all I feel like my sun sextile my moon really saves me. It gives a balanced personality, since the ego and the emotional nature are in such harmony. It's funny because my dad, close friends, and boyfriends almost always have sun trine moon. My little sister also has sun sextile moon. If it weren't for this, I'd probably be much worse off...

i’m looking at his natal chart. even though we aren’t together anymore, i can’t help myself. i’m still struggling to make sense of everything that has happened, but i’m slowly accepting distance as the reality. there’s just something about him.

we both have five planets in retrograde. his are the outers. i have venus, no saturn, plus chiron or something. i’ve always liked the fact i have a lot of retrograde planets, and most people don’t have more than one or two. our charts really are like a mirror.

i found the source for his violence and emotional power games. it’s his mars conjunct saturn, both in twelfth house. i admire him for that. since my sun is there, i’m no judge of the chaos the 12th house brings. i seem to live in it and enjoy it. our relationship was quite twelfth house after all.

but supposedly mars & saturn connections can bring a penchant for harshness and cruelty. quite frankly, that kinda turns me on. i do have a bunch of squares to my moon & pluto after all. i thought the arguments we had were fun. i have a gemini stellium and he has a gemini moon. it wasn’t fun and games for him though unfortunately.

i remember when i saw his qi energy one day in his back yard. qi energy is something i see on people sometimes, like their spirit energy. for him, it was a quick glimpse like the right side of his face was rotting. his eyeball was missing and it was like creepy. it was quite scary come to think of it, but somehow it transferred a light to me. and i don’t recall feeling too scared by it.

but after that, i began seeing a light in other peoples eyes occasionally. it was like a “hey, i’m here for you. i’m not judging you” kind of light. i think me seeing his qi energy gave me that light, to help me move forward when i get so depressed. and as i would come to find out, the 8th house is the house of “rot”. and he was my eighth house sun.

Astrological Analysis of my new Relationship

Ok, so to the left is my natal chart, and to the right is the natal chart of the new guy I've been seeing. We met about six years ago at a bathhouse, and lost contact. We reunited this past September, and the ball got rolling.

We had really great sex, and we have a lot in common. We enjoy each other's company. Oddly, he reminds me of my friend who just committed suicide a few months ago. It's like the universe is still providing that energy for me now that my friend Brad is gone.

I'll call new guy Mr. Mouse. One of my nicknames for him is Millionaire Mouse, cuz he's a millionaire and he reminds me of a mouse lol. He's very kind and sweet, not pushy at all. Sometimes too sweet. But after what I've been through, that's not so bad.

Immediately while looking at his chart, it's interesting. It has a lot going on. It looks like a diamond. And all that checks out, cuz his life is anything but boring. I told him my chart is the shell, and his chart is the pearl that fits inside.

I'm still not over 8th house sun, but I'm not holding my breath for him any longer. We still talk occasionally, I still love him, but it looks like he is gonna have to take the back burner.

I really hesitated doing my synastry chart with Mr. Mouse, because I didn't want him to have more key aspects than 8th House Man. Part of me still believes I will end up with him, and I didn't want to entertain the idea of anyone else replacing him or having more key aspects than he has. 8th house has one key aspect, as does Mr. Mouse. Unfortunately, the key aspect for 8 isn't exactly a positive one, but Mouse's is. So both men who I have been torn between only have one key aspect in our synastry.

I'm not sure how to interpret this, because other partner's I've had have had more keys, but then again, my relationships with them didn't last anyway. It's possible these relationships won't last either. anyways.

The most interesting thing about Mr Mouse's chart is his 12th house moon. My sun is in the 12th house, as is my dad's. 12th house rules monestaries, and he grew up in a small town that is known for its catholic monestary. It makes sense I would end up there, living with him. I think it will be a very healthy change of pace for me. The city has gotten so toxic and overwhelming.

Another interesting thing is that he has Sun trine Moon natally. My dad has that aspect, my best friend patrick, and most of my ex boyfriends have had that placement for some reason. My sun sextiles my moon and my little sister has the same placement. It's said to make one really agreeable, balanced, and well liked.

Our north nodes are both in libra, and we both have a life path of 7. I used to be extremely ambitious, like capitalist, enterprising, all that stuff. So is he. He built his own company and is a CEO and 'an important person'. I had met rich people before, but dating him has exposed me to mega rich people.... It's been an experience.

To the left is our synastry chart, and to the right is our composite. For those who don't know, synastry is how our charts blend together, the composite chart is the chart for the relationship itself.

It appears his sun lands in my 6th house, which makes sense, cuz he's helping me heal and get solid ground. My sun touches his 9th house, which I guess adds up, cuz I feel like I'm expanding him intelectually. My moon in his 11th house makes total sense, bc of my 11th house stellium, and the fact that I speak french and mandarin is very fascinating and beneficial for him.

As for the composite, our sun is in aries.

this adds up. we've traveled a lot, and our relationship has been pretty fun so far. Oddly, our composite sun is in the 8th house, which is the natal sun of the guy I fell in love with this summer. so it seems the universe is saying something.

I'm definitely getting into my more spiritual, psychic, intuitive side. I saw both men in a dream, before I even met them. I talk in a post about the dream about 8th house man, but after all that bullshxt went down and I was so depressed in july, I had a premonition dream that saw Mr. Mouse.

In the dream, which felt like I was watching a movie in the theaters, was me walking around a very wealthy, well decorated home. I was in a room with no walls, and I was older, and a priest. I thought the dream was telling me that I would be old and wealthy, but then the priest part didn't make any sense. Why would I become a priest? Turns out Mr. Mouse went to seminary to be a catholic priest, and the house I saw was his mother's. The second floor doesn't have windows.

So I've seen both men in a dream. That doesn't help me too much with making a decision. Haha.

These are some of our synastry aspects. The key aspect is positive, and helped me gain clarity on why exactly we are together. We have an age gap, and I hate the way people look at us in public. But I'm also in love with summer boy and hoping he'll come around.

The sexual magnetism is very true. We have so much sex and we don't seem to grow tired of it, yet at least lol.

flighty and petit. will know how to make good conversation, unless you have chiron in3rd or virgo moon like i do. passionate, and a sharp tongue. insult is an art. forgetful. indecisive. curious.

mars 11h w merc + venus. square moon. opposite pluto. guess that means i’m intense. woof.

just another love letter

S Y N C H R O N I C I T Y

i’ve been adept to recognizing synchronicity in my life since i learned what it was, years ago. it’s not exactly a household word, but thankfully enough people know what it is that i’ve had great conversations.

usually when it happens, i feel at ease, and my anxieties wash away, if only for a little while.

in this post, i’ll be talking about all the crazy synchronicities that happened with the guy i was seeing this summer.

it first happened with a visit from a ghost. yes, you read that right. and no, i’m not crazy, and i know it wasn’t a hallucination.

i’ve felt spirits here and there since i was young. sometimes i’m not sure if it’s just a projection of my consciousness, but other times it’s been rather undeniable. this was one of those times.

one example of synchronicity in my life was when i was driving around my neighborhood. i wanted to play a specific CD, but i was driving and i didn’t want to get distracted so i was like oh well. then, out of nowhere, my radio which was turned off, suddenly turns on, and the cd that was in ejects. my radio has never malfunctioned like that before, and hasn’t since. but, taking it as a sign, i pulled over and switched the cds.

now. to the story.

it was a summer day. i was on my phone looking for a hookup online, and i felt a presence outside of my bedroom window. i didn’t recognize it. usually i feel family members or friends who have passed away, but i didn’t know who this was. i shrugged it off and went to go meet up with a guy.

i get to the motel, and he doesn’t show. i get back online, and a guy who has pestered me for years messages me. i give in, for no particular reason. i had been ignoring this guy for a while.

when i get to his house, i know within minutes that i want to marry him. he has a house, is just my type, and there’s other factors i’d rather not get into. but i know almost immediately.

he feels something too. we hit it off, exchange numbers. and i’m back over there the next day. we end up spending every day together for the next two months.

a couple weeks into the relationship, i feel the same spirit that i felt outside my bedroom window. once, outside his bedroom window. and the second time inside his bedroom. perplexed, i eventually make the connection that it is his ex boyfriend who recently passed away.

he told me within the first few days getting to know each other, and he has a picture of him over his bed. i can still feel the grief he has over what had happened. he tells me the exact day it happened, and what ensued.

it’s not until we are sitting on his couch and he shows me a picture of them that i make the connection. the spirit that had been visiting me was tall. his ex was tall. excited, i tell him that i felt a presence that i believed was his ex.

i told him how i believed that he led me to him, since that day i was supposed to meet up with someone else, and it just so happened that it didn’t work out and i ended up going to his place.

i’ve always been a spiritual person. i carry sage and palo santo on me. i saged this guys house, and played youtube videos to raise the aura of his home. i left palo santo on his living room shelf that had pictures and memorabilia of his family members.

i left a cigarette out beneath a photo of his deceased ex, to honor him, and i was very thankful for being brought to this new guy i liked so much. at this point i believed his ex brought me to him to help him with his grief. i would often pray to his ex to decide on what to do, especially later when things got ugly.

through the course of the summer, things got more serious. i started planning a life with him. he was coming over to my house, something which i had never really done before. i live with my grandma and never really brought romantic partners over. he was a first for that, and made me feel like i got the stereotypical high school relationship i never got.

things with him clicked. our sex was electrifying. i never felt that sexually honest and compatible with someone. i would imagine us having sex in so many different locations. i started to see him as a husband.

however, the spirits i had communed with started to give me concern. i’ll get more into that after i discuss the dream.

T H E D R E A M

i’ve had psychic dreams since my early 20s, or so i thought. recently i’ve had two childhood dreams come true. anyway —

i had a dream about a year before i met this guy. i was at my mom’s house, and i remember waking up from it and getting the sense that it was important. it was vivid, and something in me just knew it was important for some reason.

in the dream, i’m behind my car, it’s night time. i’m in a sketchy neighborhood, and jacob, a man who i was intensely in love with, was helping me put art in the back of my car. a painting.

some things happen in between and i don’t remember. the next thing i know, i am sitting or laying and there is a gun. a man with a gun. just before there is a shot, i immediately wake up.

i went downstairs and got some water. over the next few months, i didn’t think too much of the dream. however, it started weighing on me more and more. i stopped traveling with art in my car (i’m an artist and also move between houses, so i often have miscellaneous art). i thought it would mean that i would get robbed.

however, over time i started thinking about jacob. eventually, it got to the point where i was thinking about the dream often. i wouldn’t have art in my car, and if i did, i told myself it couldn’t be about to happen since i hadn’t talked to jacob.

fast forward to meeting the new guy. he was a perfect blend of characteristics that made him suitable to be liked by both of my parents. this was important to me. i saw him as fitting perfectly into my life and my family, and my circle of friends. i was ecstatic.

i had been wanting him to meet my friend nadia. i always introduce new boyfriends to her to get her approval. one night, i tell him we’re going over. i don’t make a big deal about it, it’s casual.

but he puts on jeans. i hadn’t yet seen him wear jeans. he always wore his work uniform, or basketball shorts. i thought it was cute that he wanted to dress up to meet my friend.

the night goes smoothly. we talk and hang out with nadia. she had just moved into the apartment upstairs in her building. i cuddled with him on the couch, with nadia on the other side. another boundary breaking thing, cuz i usually wouldn’t show affection like that in my friends home.

well, we had recently had a falling out with our friend zoe. when i got a new bed, zoe painted my old bed frame and nadia had it hanging above her tv. she said she didn’t want it anymore, and asked me to take it.

thankfully, i had my knight there to help me cuz it was heavy. he carried it to my car while i kept watch. it was dark, around midnight. nadia doesn’t live in the best part of town, and i always had to be cautious and look over my shoulder when leaving her place at night.

we get to my suv, and i open the back hatch. he lifts the painting up, and as he is putting it in the back, it hits me. the dream.

now, i’ve talked to my friends before about my dreams and how they predict the future. the caveat is that i don’t know when it will come true, and i don’t always know which dream.

often times it is just something trivial. like a specific image or detail, but i will run into that specific thing that day and realize i saw it in my dream the night before. or, at times i will have minutes go by and as things are unfolding around me, i realize i had dreamt it the night before. i saw what would happen that day.

i had actually told nadia about this specific dream with the artwork only days before. i was thinking about it so much at this point, but it was bothering me because i couldn’t make sense of it. and i wasn’t in contact with jacob and didn’t foresee that happening anytime soon.

so i run back upstairs and tell her that the dream is coming true. she doesn’t react as strongly as i would like. this is a very big deal to me. after all, i had seen this dream almost a year prior and it was constantly on my mind. it shaped how i acted. i was cautious about having art in my car, cuz i thought i would get robbed while i had art in my car.

i explain to the guy what had happened. how i had seen me and my ex jacob putting art into the back of my car at night time in a sketchy part of town. the reason it was jacob in the dream is because our brain cannot see someone who we haven’t met or seen before. i hadn’t yet met this guy, but i was falling madly in love with him just like i had been in love with jacob. so, jacob just took the visual role of a romantic partner in that dream.

as happy as i was, i became scared. i knew how the dream ended. since the dream had finally began coming true, i unfortunately knew how it ended. and end it did, loyal to the original plot and all.

the ride home, i am terrified. it’s late, and every stop light i am looking around, seeing if anybody is suddenly approaching. homeboy insists that the dream hadn’t come true, cuz he wasn’t jacob. i don’t know if that was rooted in jealousy or what. but it annoyed me. i know what i saw, i knew what had just happened.

over the next couple of weeks i was weary about driving at night. i was expecting to get robbed by a random person on the street. i remember the gun being silver, and i somehow decided i was in the passenger seat in the dream [wow. i’m just realizing this detail was in fact true after all]

so i drive everywhere instead of letting him, like i usually did.

now back to the spirits. i began to sense some issues. as i would lay in his bedroom, one night, i began to feel like extremely hazy. like i was in another dimension, and nothing made sense. it was not a good feeling. it was like there was fog all around his house, and i felt uneasy.

as i prayed to his dead ex like i did, i started to lose trust in what i was really praying to. the stable, reassuring spirit started to become strange. not making sense. acting weird. then, it seemed like it was making fun of me. laughing at me. i stopped trusting it, and became confused.

his ancestors also gave me less confidence. there was a particular spirit, a woman. i see her as short, with brown hair and glasses. she laughs at me. every. single. time. i pray about a decision to make, and all i get is laughter in return. i don’t like it, but i try to ignore it.

fast forward to the end of the relationship.

i wake up on the morning of my birthday, i wake him up to ask if he wants panera. he sounds irritated. his tone starts to escalate, like he is arguing. we hadn’t yet had an argument. whenever i date someone, i always wonder what our first argument will be. i couldn’t figure it out with him, since until this point we had so much emotional rapport.

as he keeps arguing, part of me is like wow. he’s really about to start a fight, our first fight, on my birthday. i don’t quite remember what happens next. i know he’s angry and i’m trying to leave, since nothing i say or do is calming him down. only making it worse.

i go downstairs, and i pray. his ancestors are telling me to get the fuck out of the house immediately. i don’t like this answer. it’s my birthday, and i’m so in love with this guy. part of me doesn’t believe he’ll ruin my birthday, and i don’t want to leave. so i go downstairs to his basement.

he follows, says something irate as he lets the dog out. at this point i just decide to leave. so i pick up a box, and he comes in the room. he’s yelling at me. i’ve never seen him like this, and i don’t think a partner has ever yelled at me like this before. especially over something i wasn’t even sure what it was. and i kept trying to make it better.

he comes over to me and smashes the box out of my hands and onto the floor. he is twice my size, so i begin for the front door. i don’t know what happens next cuz i black it out. but next thing i know i am in my car. he is chasing me, and smashes his hand on my windshield as i speed in reverse out the driveway.

i lay on my bed paralyzed that morning. the panera driver has to come to my grandmas after i explain my situation over a sob filled phone call.

later that day, he texts me. he’s hateful, saying so many insulting things. i have a humiliation kink, so when he starts saying things like faggot and little dick bottom, it turns me on. but the telling me to kill myself hurt.

long story short, i forgive him, even though i’m walking on egg shells around him cuz i’m still not sure what had actually happened. he had told me he had bpd. this must have been an episode. part of his argument was that i didn’t actually care about him, that i was constantly looking for an excuse to get away from him. which wasn’t at all true.

anyway, he ends up doing something evil on his birthday, and it turns into something even more intense. his ancestors told me not to go back to his house, but i did anyway. i was so in love with him, and desperate for connection over what i would learn was from a trauma bond we shared, and i felt like i was losing friends and my ex dennis so i really just needed this new guy.

well, the next episode is on his birthday a few days later. it ends with me having to drive frantically to my father, and he has to drive over to guy’s house with me sitting in the passenger seat. he had locked me out of the house, i had no phone or wallet or any of my belongings that had accumulated at his house. and i had work in an hour.

my dads friends come over and we are standing on his front porch. i had gotten most of my stuff back, except some money and personal belongings he took out of my bag. my dads friends want to get it back. next thing we know, we hear a bullet enter a chamber, and hear a gun cock behind the front door.

this was the end of the dream. not only was he the one who helped me put paintings in the back, but he was also the one with the gun.

• • • /synchronicity

now i am a very forgiving person, especially in love. call it toxic, naive, or foolish. maybe you’re right. but i also don’t care.

i still pursued this guy. after all, i was convinced his dead ex brought me to him. we had trauma bonded. we had amazing sex. he was perfect, and if he was willing to go to therapy and not be domestic abusive again, i didn’t see the problem. he was just showing me how physically strong he was lol hehe jk unless

but we never went back to how we were.

he never blew up at me like that again. the few times i would go over there were tame. though, he was now closed off to me. not friendly like he had been. wouldn’t kiss me. was mean.

after deciding one day that that was it, that i was moving on and completely forgetting about him —

the strangest thing happened. taco bell gave me a mountain dew.

/ / N U M B E R S

i often looked to triple numbers to make sense of the world around me. if i got it on a receipt, or looked at the clock and saw it — it was a reassurance that i was doing something right. however, there was one set of numbers that i saw a little too frequently. numbers i didn’t like, and every time i saw them, which was often, i would get unsettled.

those numbers were 911.

now if you are to comprehend my insistence that this relationship worked out, you need to understand how much i relied on seeing triple numbers, amongst other things, such as deja vu, to reassure me that i was treading smoothly in life.

however i often saw 9:11. i realized it about five or six years ago. i would look at the clock and it would be 9:11, a little more often than normal. then it happened often. sometimes multiple times in the same week. it frightened me.

but with my knight of the summer, i thought it all made sense. i was seeing 9:11 because he used to be a police officer. that was a reason i fell in love with him. i thought it was so sexy.

all those years of seeing 911 constantly, was just the universe telling me that my police officer was waiting for me.

i believed this wholeheartedly. i wouldn’t give up. if he was the one i loved & desired, literally lead to me from a ghost, with the universe telling me for years that he was waiting or me and i just didn’t know it. i thought he was the one. my soul mate. THE soulmate.

but it all came crashing down.

and i decided. after i had had enough, after weeks of trying to get back the man i knew before those two episodes. i finally had it. and made the mental decision to leave him the fuck alone and move on.

then i go to taco bell. i go multiple times a week, often using mobile app to order ahead. i love taco bell and anybody close to me knows that. and they almost never get my order wrong. sometimes they give me a different flavor tea if they are out of dragon paradise, but even that was rare.

so the day after i decide i give up on mr shadow of the summer. taco bell messes up my order, and gives me a large mountain dew.

his favorite soft drink.

you can imagine my fury. he drank mountain dew all the time. at this point, when i saw it, i thought of him. i don’t like the drink. i never drink it, ever. the last time i did i was probably 7 years old. but he drank it all the time.

and so now the day after i decide to give up and move on, taco bell, which never really messes up my order, all of a sudden hands me his favorite drink. i was fucking pissed.

i considered giving it back. going back and saying something. hey assholes, thanks for messing up my order and giving me my now ex’s favorite soft drink ? the day after i decide i no longer want to pursue him ? makes no sense. and i’m thirsty. so i drink the damn mountain dew. and i am so mad about it.

genuinely mad. genuinely mad that he was dangled right in front of me, then snatched away like that. so, i try to do the right thing and stay away from him. AND THEN THE MOUNTAIN DEW. are you kidding me!

well, that’s all i have for now. currently i am not in contact with him, but i have gone over a couple times since mountain dew incident. i drank that whole thing.

but i decided that the spirit who visited me was la santa muerte. i had a candle i bought in chicago, cuz i heard about santa muerte in a tv show. i assume santa muerte was showing me the dangers of the trauma bond that connected me and homeboy. that’s the only sense i can make from this.

also, i saw a guy who looked JUST like his dead ex on grindr. same hair color, facial shape and features. i ask if his name is ____ and he replies yes. so i go off thinking he lied about his ex dying. then the dude does a 180° and says that i have him confused with someone else. so either it’s a strange coincidence that someone is walking around with the same name and face as his ex, or he lied about that being his name. or i don’t even know what.

most people will probably just think i’m crazy. and i guess i am. but i experienced all of these things.

- november 2023

And so the 12th house sun fell in love with the 8th house sun...

I look at our charts and it is amazing. I knew within minutes of meeting him that I was going to marry him. We were inseperable this summer. Things didn't work out, but it is undeniable the connection we have. He feels it too, I can tell.

His chart is like a mirror of mine. I have NN & Chiron conjunct in the 3rd house in libra. He has NN & Chiron conjunct in gemini in the 7th house. See?

How common is NN & Chiron conjunct? I'm not sure I've seen that in another person's chart other than mine. And the fact mine are in the house of gemini, with the sign of libra, and his are in the house of libra, in the sign of gemini.

I'm looking at our composite chart now, and our lilith lies in the 9th house. I want to laugh while typing this. I go to university, but he works at the museum on campus. 9th house is the house of higher education, and let's just say if we wanted to, we could cause a lot of trouble for one another in the 9th house realm xD

EDIT: also the synchronicity with this guy is INSANE. i will have to make a post about it.

what in the actual fuck.

i thought i had met the one. no, for real this time. i say that every time i meet a guy. i swear.

my chart

his

he was chubby, just my type, and we did the same drugs. grew up in the same part of town. he had a house and a job. bingo.

i ask if he knows his moon sign, he responds that he doesn’t know what it’s currently in. i had to ask him to repeat himself because of how disbelief i was in. i coulda melted there on the floor.

later he shows me his printed out natal chart and i examine it on his bed.

unfortunately i do our synastry chart and he only had one key aspect. most of my exes usually have more than one. first red flag, i ignore.

keep telling myself maybe he only has one because he’s the one key for me. even though the key aspect was a bad one.

he’s a cancer sun like me. my lilith is also in cancer and supposedly that means you attract the darker aspects of that sign. that would line up. his moon is in gemini, mine is in virgo. kinda at odds there. he constantly wanted to argue. like to the point where it didn’t make sense. like pulling arguments out of thin air and kept running out of ideas.

all his personal planets are in cancer. mine are in gemini. his moon is in libra 7th house, my uranus is in 7th house. i have a tattoo of uranus glyph on my ring finger because it’s my favorite planet for what it represents in astrology. supposedly moon in 7th makes needy for like constant social interaction and having people around. also adds up. he has a lot of friends, and he’d use that to hurt me.

he had pluto in 11th house. i have mars, mercury, and venus there. i really feel like he livened me up. helped me see a light and grow comfortable in my skin and environment. pluto is power and i definitely felt empowered.

my sun is in 12th house, his was in 8th. compatible houses. we talked about spirits and the occult. he told me he had seen a demon one time. it made me fall for him harder. i have a vacant 8th house so it really piqued my interest. i thought it was cute, sexy. an 8th house sun.

he had outer planets in the 12th house, and a bunch in his 1st and 2nd. i have a vacant 1st house. not my favorite house to be honest. could explain why he’s such a dick and ok with hurting others. i feel like first house is a self centered house.

2nd house, i have my moon there. another placement that makes sense. i thought i could make a home with him. i loved his home. i wanted to learn everything about him and spend years with him. i looked at him and saw a husband.

but it got so sour so fast. he wouldn’t let up. it makes me think he was sabotaging it, us. for reasons unknown. maybe he’s just a bpd narcissist and there’s no sense to make. maybe it’s cuz his ex died and his mother is also deceased. i have no clue. maybe it’s just because he’s a big ol bottom.

but i really thought he was the one. i hate that so much of his chart made sense, but i’ve felt like this before about someone. it really hurts having to constantly let go.

we also had north node and chiron conjunct. i thought that was interesting because not a lot of people have that placement ? or maybe they do ? but his were located in gemini in the 7th house. mine are located in libra in the 3rd house. isn’t that so ironic? it’s like it’s mirrored.

he was also born in 1984 which was so sexy to me because george orwell. but he is kinda small minded and i feel diminished my shine in some ways. im just so upset. this doesn’t make any sense to me.

if you’ve read this and have any observations or insight, i’d love to hear it.

Sun Sextile Moon Thoughts

Said to be one of the most benefic aspects in a natal chart, when I read that sun sextile moon natives have a “rather easy” life, I laughed. While the rest of the interpretations are quite flattering, such as being popular, your will and emotional nature in balance most of the time… the downside is that we’re too lazy, or too satisfied with how things are that we can be complacent. After all, you need some friction like in a square or opposition to inspire some action. If you aren’t unhappy with how things are, why change them to be better?

Still, it’s been a few years since I read about my sun sextile moon aspect, and I think it is as great as it sounds. But it can also be a bit of a curse. One thing to note that is interesting to me, is that my dad, best friend Patrick and my ex boyfriend Craig all have sun trine moon. That aspect is supposedly even more benefic than the sextile, because the energies are LESS comfortable, but still very harmonious. I spent many a year thinking I did not know one single other person with a sun sextile moon in their chart, until I revisited my younger sister’s chart and saw it right there staring at me. So ok. My little sister has the same aspect, and a lot of people close to me have trines. Not sure what that means, if anything, but pretty cool. My good friend Chelsea has a sun square moon, which when I read about this aspect, as well as the opposition, I imagined like, very troubled unhappy people. I felt sorry for them. But when I found out Chelsea had a square, and had lived with / known her for a while, I realized that my impression of the square wasn’t necessarily true. Chelsea is awesome, (Taurus sun Leo moon) and while her Leo moon definitely shows and overpowers at times, her Taurus sun gives her impeccable taste and she is a lovely homemaker!!! So even though sextile and trines are technically the “good” “harmonious” aspects, just knowing Chelsea tells me that sun square moon isn’t all that bad and definitely isn’t the end of the world.

BUT as a sun sextile moon native, I guess I am reluctantly inclined to say there may be some truth to it. Growing up I was generally pretty popular in school and classes. Less so on the sports field but I certainly didn’t lack for friends or a social life. But one thing that stuck out to me was when my step dad said I could have my girlfriend over when I was in middle school. He told me he knew he could trust me with her in the house because I was too laid back to like pressure her or yadda yadda. This sounds weirder as I’m typing it than how it felt when it happened. Basically, he just said I’m laid back as a person. Whether that was just an innuendo that he and my mom already knew I was gay, only the Lord knows, however this stuck with me.

happy halloween hehe

Sagittarius Eclipse Thoughts

Sagittarius is an important sign for me, because many of my family members, close friends, my ex, and my dog are all sags.

being a cancer sun, we crave comfort and emotional sensitivity. sagittarius is kind of contradictory to this, never being comfortable and always looking to expand. my virgo moon also isn’t very harmonious with this, always wanting things to be organized very neatly and concretely, but not everything can be.

It’s ironic because my only placement is with pluto in the fifth house, but given its aspects to my other planets, and the fact my mom’s a scorpio, I could be considered a plutonic person. Not to mention my sagittarius grandmas moon is in cancer, and i am a cancer sun.

my draconic sun is in sagittarius, and that’s supposedly what your “soul” is. your natal chart is what you are in this lifetime. my draconic moon is in aquarius, and that’s funny because i have an 11th house stellium, which is aquarius’s house. i’ve always liked sags and aquas because i feel so pulled down by my emotions sometimes. im not sure if that’s due to just depression or the fact my sun squares my saturn, which is in the 9th house, the house of sagittarius. my sun is in the 12th house, and honestly i’m learning to love that placement.

i’m writing this post because i can definitely feel the sagittarius energy. last night i felt almost manic, like i NEEDED to move and get out and do something. like it was a strong pull. and that reminds me a lot of my early twenties, how i never can quite stay still. for a cancer, i’m definitely not a homebody! perhaps this is due to my pluto, which is a very energizing planet.

that’s all i have for now, i’m just kind of mapping out my own life and noticing coincidences and patterns through astrology. it’s pretty interesting :)

my natal chart x

命盘 means natal chart in mandarin 🤪

Astrological Coincidences

this post started off as the importance of saggitarius and cancer in my life. i stayed true to that, but i was not expecting it to evolve into a 4500 word entry. read if you dare, it gets personal and drifts to anecdotes, involving gay unrequited love, but all kinda ties back together. i only scratched about half the surface, but there’s infinite time in the universe for these things. for everything, really. 

Since I started studying astrology some years ago, I’ve noticed a lot of “coincidences”, that I can’t help but feel the universe put there for some higher meaning. For example, I began to notice that most married couples possessed complementing signs. For example, water signs would date or marry other water or earth signs. Air and fire signs would date and marry each other as well. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it always sticks out to me when a couple possesses two sun signs of opposite polarity. It’s more rare. 

My bishop of my church was a cancer (water) and his wife a saggitarius (fire), and now that I type this out, I realize another coincidence that has been revealed to me over the past few months. I would say Cancer and Saggitarius have been the two signs most on my mind lately. I am a cancer sun, and my pluto is in saggitarius. My draconic sun is in saggitarius, which I was pleased to find out. I’d much rather be a fire sign sometimes than water. Fire signs seem to have it all figured out, and are so confident in themselves. My virgo moon and sun square saturn have given me HELL.

Well, anyway. The bishop and his wife were pretty important to me when I was mormon. I liked them. I loved the church. They were sucessful church members, and good people. I still think about them almost every day, and pray for them and hope they are doing well. It is ironic to me now, that I realize two very important people to me in such a transformative, profound part of my life have these two signs.

My grandmother, who has practically raised me alongside my parents, has a saggitarius sun and a cancer moon. My cousin brenda is a saggitarius sun, so is my best friend Zoe, and my favorite dog Prince. My pluto is in saggitarius, and whether thanks to my scorpio mother or my aspects (sun quincunx pluto, moon square pluto, mercury & mars, and maybe even venus since they’re all conjunct, opposite pluto. A Harsh aspect I may add! jupiter semisquare pluto, saturn trine,uranus sextile, neptune sextile, trine ascendant, sesquidrate midheaven. whew!), I would consider myself a pretty plutonic person. It took me some years after high school to realize that most people do not operate at the level of depth I feel I do. It makes me lonely, batsh*t crazy, intimidating, and sadly, feared. I’m tempted to delve into my mercury opposite pluto and how that completely destroyed my mental health, but I wanna stay on topic.

Well, I guess this is a good segue then. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I Suppose it’s the cancer thing. Time and time again I would fall in love with “straight” men [they were predominantly straight acting/behaving but I know at least one of them messed around with dudes, the other one I don’t really care, and the other is likely a closet case) but anyways, I would fall in love with these straight men. 

The first time was sophomore year, I fell deeply in love with someone and would think about him all day every day. I would dream about him, imagine scenarios with him that would never occur, but I kept it all a secret. Maybe it was part infatuation, but maybe it was deeper. He reminded me of Jake Gyllenhaal, also a saggitarius! who was my absolute favorite actor. Although I eventually got over my love for him, it did kind of hurt me in a way, whether it be from low self esteem or just carrying a secret like that. I’ve always been tempted to blame my mood “disorder” or psychological problems on being gay, but even per the gay community I am eccentric. Weird. Crazy. 

The next unrequited love was during a summer leadership program before my first year of college. I was extremely ambitious. I wanted to be a CEO, a millionaire. The next big actor or entrepreneur. And it felt possible! at least, for a moment...

Well, there was a handsome fellow in the program, and I became fixated on him. I thought about him constantly, wondered if he thought about me, too. Of course, part of me kind of knew he wasn’t, but what was so confusing to me at this point was why would I be feeling so deeply and strongly about this guy if he wasn’t feeling the same way about me? Perhaps that’s where the delusions start. I don’t know, you know. It just didn’t make sense. He HAD to be thinking about me because I was absolutely in love with him, right? And it wasn’t just a sex thing. I don’t know what it was, frankly, because my memory escapes me. I think I just was so curious about him and wanted to be around him constantly. IDK. But after leaving the program and returning home before the start of the semester, I gathered up enough courage to send him a message on facebook and ask him on a date. Honestly, I couldn’t NOT do it. It was driiving me insane, how much I was thinking about him. Something absolutely had to be done, but I guess I’m just not one to let an opportunity pass me by. I told my coworker at penn station what I had done, and she said “you’re very brave”. 

Her reaction kind of puzzled me because it was not what I was expecting. I guess she is right, it is brave of a man to ask another man out on a date, especially if you’re unsure of his sexuality. It could have been nasty, but honestly it was quite the opposite. He simply responded that he wasn’t gay, we exchanged a few more messages, and I suggested we could hang out if he was interested (but platonically, of course (; xD) He was super nice whenever he saw me around campus, and honestly looking back at it, I’m getting kind of emotional. Because if anybody handled a gay man hitting on them the right way, it was this guy. He made it clear he wasn’t interested, but still treated me like a human. He gave me a high five one day on campus and I dunno, it was like nothing was wrong. And of course, I got over him. I didn’t get hung up on him, it was pretty easy for me to move on because he just wasn’t interested. But I won’t ever forget how I felt that summer before college. 

Of course, as I wear my heart on my sleeve, it was not long before I fell in love with someone new. I suppose I should tie this back into astrology. This summer before college was when I started getting interested in it. I began looking up people’s signs and who’s compatible with cancer. Partly on tumblr and just google searches, and your typical superficial commercial astrology articles. This is how it started, and I remember that guy being a leo, and me being upset because I’m a cancer, and we’re not compatible with leos. I suppose I was searching through the stars to measure up my chances with this guy. If I remember correctly, I probably googled things like how to tell if a guy is gay. But then, I was already doing stuff like that in high school. Omg I just thought of other crushes I’ve had, so maybe I don’t need to go down the list. I can just bring up the ones that are more relevant to this post, which are the saggitariuses!

 So I became obsessively infatuated with this saggitarius after I had left the Mormon church. It had been a rocky week. My crippling indecisiveness and existential fear of punishment and damnation had reappeared as I was slowly distancing myself from the Mormon church and its teachings. I had been in the cult er I mean covenant (just kidding, I still love ya Mormons) for two years of my life, had shaped my world view (as best as I could) and made plans for my future around this religion I had become so deeply apart of. I was a MORMON, I wanted EVERYONE to know. I truly fell in love with the Mormon church. Anyways, I couldn’t resist m*sturb*ting (censored for tumblr) and watching p*rn. P*rn is such a loaded term though, because are shirtless dudes on Instagram considered pnography? Ugh!

Well, I eventually hooked up with this guy off grindr. He was actually nuts and kind of threatened me and scared me. Perhaps he is the one who sewed that seed in me, and I am merely possessed by the same demon that inspired him to blow up at me for not wanting to come back over his apartment for a second hookup, and then messaging me saying “I’m outside”. Like, he didn’t know where I lived, but I was scared. I was like 19 or 20, he was probably in his late 30s. I dunno. I was upset about it and told my dad and he made me feel better by threatening to kick his a**. I later talked to his boyfriend (this is gay culture remember) and he apologized for him, and I actually ran into him at Fazoli’s or somewhere and he looked kinda ashamed/embarrassed. So like I forgave him I guess, or at least I just moved on and didn’t dwell on it. He was blocked on socials for years, which says something, because I don’t really block people. I was more angry about it than anything, because it was like undeserved on my end. Today though, as I write this, I’m wondering what was going through his mind. In a compassionate sense, not a judgmental one. Now that I’ve lost my noggin once or twice, I kinda get it….

Well, the next morning, I was being angsty and 20 and mad at the world and my mother and yada yada. I still don’t know if my tendency towards anger is a rather natural, human thing that most people just don’t talk about, or if I am in fact angry more often than most and more intensely. Maybe, because of my harsh moon aspects (moon square mars, moon square pluto) plus I’m a cancer scorpionic person, right? Well my friend Patrick who is a pisces sun cancer moon made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who feels things so intensely. And my friend gracie, who I can tell anything to. Shes a saggitarius sun and scorpio moon, wow did I freaking forget to mention her earlier in this post? Wow, so yes, another very important person in my life who coincidentally is a saggitarius. She knows anger, and I’m thankful for it.

 Well, I run off with my car, which I’m blessed to have from my grandparents (thank u grandpa Wilson and Sondra, I don’t think I ever expressed how thankful I was for that car but I really was. Thank you.) I end up all the way in Elizabethtown, like 45 minutes outside of Louisville, because I just wanted to get the fuck away. So of course my horny 20 year old ass gets on grindr, and almost immediately, this dude sends me the most gorgeous dick pic my little 20 year old heart had ever seen. I was like jaw on the floor wow, I wish I still had the picture! I was kinda nervous and still new to the whole hookup app thing, so I was like just sitting there, in the mcdonald’s parking lot, wondering if I should go or not. Then, he sent me a face picture, and if he wasn’t the most absolutely stunning, drop dead gorgeous man on the PLANET. Holy shit, I was in love from those two pics alone. The dick pic was giving me like trashy straight white man in a wife beater and basketball shorts vibes. Like a slimey criminalesque guy who knows how to fuck. But then he sent me that face pic and it was like the freaking sun shining on me like I was a sunflower or something. Drop dead beautiful. Anyway I hurry my ass on over there. I recall now that I was NOT looking my best, and honestly had I been a little better groomed, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe not. But I was wearing this like ugly like suede-ish or curdoroy-ish deep red shirt, like a worker’s shirt like a cowboy or something. I dunno why I thought that shirt was cute and didn’t give it away. I really didn’t vibe with it, but at this point in my life I was always doing what I thought I /should/ be doing, not what I felt like inside. Had to be manly, right?

Well, anyway, I looked like trash and felt like trash. I had this shitty buzz cut because I had buzzed my hair, I had some scruff, I hadn’t douched or like properly even just soaped up my ass. Like gee what was I thinking, haha. I’m so dumb. I guess I was only planning on giving him a blow job or something, but boy when he grabbed my ass did I regret not being cleaned down there. Damn if I could have taken that man’s cock, cuz it’s looking like that may have been my only chance. Ha!

Well, I get there, and of course I hesitate before I went it, and I would later use this to justify other things that went wrong in my life. Because I chose the wrong thing, which is to have [GAY] pre-marital sex, which was wrong in the Mormon church and would make me feel guilty and bar me from serving a mission (which was extremely and shockingly disheartening). Now you see why I say this man got good dick? He took it all. My pride. My shame. I kid. But I did lose a lot from these hook ups, but that was from my own lust. But this guy, E-town I would go to call him, was honestly like my dream man. He was tall, a football player’s build. I am absolutely weak for a football player, a linebacker. Especially after they’ve put on some weight! I need a man who looks like he eats a freaking steak! And plays cornhole!

I remember feeling shy and nervous for reasons outside of him and for reasons that had to do with how drop dead gorgeous he was, and I’m just a pretty shy person, no matter how far I pushed myself to be type A, extroverted, CEO successful Kyle. Straight masculine kyle ha ha.

I remember sitting on his bed, next to him. I kinda just sat there and looked at him, he put his hand on my knee, and kind of titled his head to the side and… kissed me? I don’t remember. I feel like the next thing I remember is him pulling down his (Red?) basketball shorts and watching that big fat dong slip out. And of course I went to work. (sorry mom! if ur reading this). Damn, did I suck that dick. It had to be for like 20 or 30 minutes, which honestly is kinda long lasting in the realm of anonymous internet hook ups! And for a blow job! Maybe it was only 10 minutes, who are we kidding. I don’t know, but it felt amazing and it felt like forever. I’m gonna get into the grimey details here, because I can and want to.

He like laid down on his bed and I like crouched over him and sucked that dick. It was just as great as the picture, as was he. He looked strong and masculine, and beautiful, really, sitting next to me just moments prior. The reason this hook up was so important was because I had a realization, or feeling, that was impactful on my spirit while I was sucking this hunk a junk’s dilly will. Besides the embarrassment I feel at his reaction when I reached down for his feet while I was sucking away (he looked to the left uncomfortably, fine, no feet play), I recall just you know, doing my thing on his bed, then kinda looking up and opening my eyes and this thought just kinda hits me, or appears to me, “What is wrong with this?”

“What is wrong with this?”

It was a thought that I guess had more of an impact on me than I realized, because it’s been like four years since that has happened and I have not gone back to the Mormon church. I suppose his cock literally killed the homophobia inside of me. Lust, love (mars, venus), whatever you want to call it, led me to that man and that situation. If I hadn’t been attracted to him, I wouldn’t have gone over, right? He brought up something about catfishing before I came over, and joked about how he pretended to not be home or something when the guy showed up at the door. I dunno, I guess these details put me at ease and led me to complete the task. The night before, before going to that mean guy’s house, I was like pushing myself back and forth back and forth like don’t do this, but something in me just needed to I guess. Is sex like a human need? Apparently! But I remember the tug of war that was going through me, because I didn’t want to give into the homophobia.

And wow, if something didn’t just click! I was never really afraid of Mormonism or Mormon theology. I don’t think I ever truly believed in it, I just wanted it to be true so bad I was willing to compromise so many things. And I wasn’t quite afraid of anything but homosexuality itself. I was afraid of being gay. Point blank simple. But what can I say? I have a high as fuck sex drive and I like sucking cock. I love men. I don’t know if that makes me gay or trans or a bottom or a faggot or what, it’s just what it is, you know? And I guess that’s what that feeling was that surfaced as I was sucking Austin’s dick. Austin B——

I saw little things in him that just made me convinced he was placed on this earth for me. He had a buddha head statue in his house, he had the local news playing on the TV while we hooked up. Which is just funny cuz a. the TV was on, and b. it was the local news. Like why was he watching that. The only person I know who watched that was like my grandma. And it was like the morning time, I dunno I probably would have been watching cartoons or Disney channel or history channel, not the local news. And I wouldn’t have had the TV on during a hook up, but I’ve learned that not everyone shares my electrosensory sensitivities.

He also mentioned having a gardener, and the fact he is literally football player type looking like a Greek god Hercules in the pic he sent me on the Versace beaches of Italy, tan, large, and had a humungous lizard. I was like obsessed and infatuated or whatever. And apparently it was abundantly clear because I feel he took my actions out of proportion, turned them against me, then expressed these negative, mean things to ryan weekly and later craig, my saggitarius boyfriend, at big bar. Like, honestly that’s just hurtful. But I suppose these seemingly normal things, which I took as a sign that he was the one for me and I just assumed recipricocity. Maybe that’s my problem, even to this day. I assume if I have a feeling, it is immediately shared by the other person. Huh, I’ll have to think about that.

But I didn’t talk to him for like months, because I was fucking scared. Like, I didn’t wanna get hurt. But boy did I get hurt HA. Well, I add him on facebook, because it was connected to his phone number that he had given me. I honestly thought this was not that weird, but now that I’m processing things I’ve been told and looking back at it, he might have found this odd. But like, they’re connected. It’s the digital age. I thought he was younger than he was because his grindr age was a couple years low, so I was confused. I thought he was rich because his age said like 26? Or 23? I don’t remember. It doesn’t sound old now, but to me it felt kinda old cuz I was only 20 at the time. I was like wow, he has a gardener and his own place and is that young? Like he must have a bachelor’s degree, comes from a wealthy family, etc. which I now realize I assumed because I was surrounded by that at Atherton and centre. It was kind of ingrained in me that everyone went to college and wanted to go to college. That’s just what I thought was normal, but no he didn’t go to college and neither do most people. Especially in Kentucky.

Well I also changed the color of our messenger chat because I was like haha I saw your picture from play!!!!! Omg I remember now. I did not in fact add him from his phone number on facebook because I probably correctly assumed that would have been creepy. I spent months thinking about him, then after I had gone to Play with travis on new years, I think I saw that Austin was in one of the pictures and I used that as an excuse to add him!

Ok, now things are adding less up. If I didn’t add him from his phone number, that’s one less strike against me. The play thing is like a normal thing, right? I mean I’m used to myspace and shit I’m friendly, I feel like adding people and browsing play’s page would be a normal thing. The changing of the messenger colors was honestly just a new feature and I thought it was cool, it was kind of a cute uwu flex that showed affection. Maybe he just thought it was weird and creepy. Maybe he just thought I was an unmemorable hookup, because I didn’t look my best or feel my best, and when he grabbed my ass I told him that I needed to shower. Then he had to go to some football game or something.

I’m not sure what other events exactly transpired, but I was hooked on this man but obviously super cautious about how I approached it. It’s ironic isn’t it, that I was so weary about being perceived as bad or undesirable that I held on to feelings for so long, but ended up getting fucked over in the end anyway.

The only thing I can think of which was weird was when I texted him A BUNCH that one night I showed up at nadia’s after fighting with my dad and driving all the way to Glasgow because I had this persistent urge and spiritual compulsion / delusion that I was being called AWAY. That I needed to LEAVE PERMANENTLY and that would solve all of my problems. I suppose that was dramatic of me. Well I must have been smoking weed or something because I was a little too open with my emotions and sent him a bunch of texts and said I was gonna make art about him. Which in retrospect I am super embarrassed about, because that’s like a vulnerable thing for me to say especially to someone who is about to be spewing hatred towards me. Like let’s face it, this man did not have good intentions for me. Maybe he never did. Wow. Wow. Huh. That’s a revelation.

I was just someone he was somewhat attracted to but didn’t really care about otherwise, I guess. I dunno. Wish I knew tbh. But I was like accidently nearby him on grindr, like probably less than a mile away, but that is entirely not my fault, because nadia lived in crescent hill, which is a densely populated area that I, ME, am familiar with. I spent two years on Frankfort ave with Andrew. It’s my turf, bitch. My bad, you bought some “fancy” apartment in crescent hill with your stupid Kroger manager job because you think you’re fancy and cosmopolitan but you’re actually just an idiot. I don’t even think he used the right to and your. Maybe he never said those words idk. But I remember trying to have a text convo with him and just feeling so AWKWARD. Like UGH why would it feel awkward!!!!! If I literally was in love with him and wanted to lick his feet and OH

He also looked like a fucking famous movie star director. Not an actor, not a model, not a celeb sports player, but like his vibes just screamed FAMOUS DIRECTOR. And honestly, that’s not something I would have sought out before but it was sexy. As. Fuck. I don’t fetishize directors like I do policemen or firefighters, but damn he looked fucking intoxicating.

 I was working at Costco. Well, after my emotional outburst and telling him I’d make art about him (which honestly, ought to neutralize the whole damn situation. That’s just sweet and charming as fuck. And obviously shows that I’m an emotional and caring person who just isn’t very good at expressing myself. Or maybe I was, and because he wasn’t interested and is just mean, he twisted it to make it look like I was creepy. I was surprised to find out ryan weekly knew him, and when we chatted he like joked around with me about it. But he told me that Austin was really scared of me, “like for his life”. Part of me wants to say ryan was just being dramatic and mean, but now that I remember /how/ he said it, I think it was honest. Which is disturbing, because Austin was never in danger… that was a delusion on his part. Ha! I suppose I was just suffering from his delusions and assertion of his will, or whatever. If yaw anna look at it astrologically.

But ryan was kinda mean. He told me I was awkward and weird because I like would randomly laugh to myself or something. Like how is that weird…. Like I just don’t understand why that would have bothered him and why he would have felt the need to tell me I was weird or inferior or something. I mean I know we had history with kayla and all, but I had forgiven all that and genuinely liked hanging out with ryan before. But, he is also one person who first called attention to my “anger issues”

So maybe that answers my question from before. If two separate people make the same comment or observation about my emotional nature, maybe there is some accuracy in it. Maybe I’m fooling myself by thinking it’s a common thing just because I’ve found good, healing validation in who would become my close friends. But I suppose that is why they are my close friends, and ryan w—— is not.

Anyway, e-town was a saggitarius, and maybe because my pluto is in saggitarius, and is poorly aspected my mars, mercury, and my moon. Maybe that is what created this whole mess to begin with. I guess I can’t exactly be mad, but I mean damn what the fuck God?!

If I wasn’t wrong for sucking dick, because “what’s wrong with this?” then I wasn’t being punished for it. Right? If I hadn’t done the wrong thing, I wouldn’t have been punished….. IF you’re going on basic right vs wrong. Of course in the real world, innocent people get punished for things they haven’t done or for things they have done but just isn’t wrong. It’s like, subjective and relative to the situations and circumstances at hand. Maybe this is just one of those situations, too, and that’s just the detached truthful reality of it. Huh.

Now I could go on to talk about Craig, the next saggitarius romantic endeavor that ended in total disaster. Absolute volcanic eruption. Not supervolcano, but maybe just an island volcano that kills hundreds of people. Damn, I felt that.

I remember smoking weed and feeling like a woman who was psychotic and in space and crashed the entire spaceship because someone did something to upset her. I mean, it’s happened before. The pilots that have taken down entire planes full of passengers, just to kill themselves. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Why not just kill yourself? Why take a whole crew of random passengers with you? And it just doesn’t feel anti-social to me, like he thought people were bad and deserved it. The feeling I may be intuiting that it was just carelessness.? But that doesn’t feel right either. Maybe it was impulse and on a whim. Maybe it was a hint of psychopathy and a strong feeling he had and just took the chance. Maybe he wanted fame. Attention. Who knows. Is this what life is? Detachedly making sense of all this chaos and trauma, and death and loss and unknown? God!

I’m tempted to say this is all so psychotic, but in fact i do feel like it’s actually quite awesome, for once. All this chaos and unknown, but still being able to find happiness in it. That is such a wise, helping healing piece of perception. 

Bonjour les gars!

Hello everyone, et bienvenu à mon blog. Welcome to my blog.

欢迎你，我希望你们喜欢我的博客。我是美国人，我从肯塔基来。我学发文又中文又很多别的言语。我也喜欢做照片，和星术。

(J’ai dû créer un neuf bc my old one got flagged)

So this blog will be in a mix of mostly French and English. I’ve studied French since I was 14, and it is my major in college. I also study Chinese and many other languages, and there will be posts with those sprinkled in. Cependant, mon français est le meilleur de mes langues, sauf l’anglais.

I have studied much astrology, hence the username. My moon natally squares my mars (and my pluto, beuh!) mais, I have come to love this placement because it makes me edgy. And crazy. More on that later.

This blog will be comme une mode d’essence, something to leave behind in this material world. My other NSFW blog is Sunsextilemoon, another rather fortunate placement I have astrologically. It most certainly gives me an unfair advantage in the world, but for that I am grateful.

I live and have grown up in the South of the United States. In Kentucky, if you’ve heard of it. At the time of writing, I am 25 years old. So welcome, I am excited to start this project.C’est partie ! :)

All of my posts will be tagged with either

#aboutme #astronotes #langblr #edits and whatever variants.

I also enjoy editing photos, and will be posting my work.

D’accord, vous êtes prêts ? My instagram is @abandonedjuulfactory, but that is subject to change. Feel free to message me!

CONTINUA

https://youtu.be/MypwdfrPqs

oh my god wrong link

*backspaces*

i will write about personal things pertaining to my life and subjectiveable state of being. so if you can’t handle that then don’t read it. it’s that simple. you’ve been warned.

i will not be subjected to having to defend myself, bye anyone’s negative feelings ! by anything expressed pertaining to my thoughts, past, ideas, or feelings. hold me accountable or keep it to yourself.