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Trauma - Blog Posts
HERES SOME LORE
FOR CARMENNN <33
Kaito and Elina’s lore
Side story/love life story-Kaito “falls in love” with Elina but later on in the story he finds out he’s actually just more fascinated by her and how much freedom she has. Elina is bisexual and later on in the plot will fall in love with another girl while Kaito finds out he’s actually asexual and gay. (Doesn’t like the idea or sexual actions but is heavily attracted to more romantic relationships/feelings with boys) Kaito will start to like this ball of sunshine character that theylll met later on.
Side idea- Somehow end up in the forest? (Running away from the king who gets to find them after ____(blank)) And that’s where Kaito will met his future lover. It takes them a couple(1
1 and a half) months to figure out they like each other and have this while depressive episode since they both don’t really know how to feel (This type of thing hadn’t ever been discussed with them nor has it been introduced to the public/world yet) but eventually Elina provides the support for Kaito and someone else (most likely the lovers sister) supports Kaito’s lover.
Kaito lore idea- Kaito’s dad is abusive and pressuring Kaito often to do things. (NOT NSFW OR S.A.) His dad is main villain for the storyline (for now..??)
Side idea- After arriving back into the kingdom to defeat Kaito’s dad and when Kaito’s dad finds out that Kaito and his lover are dating goes crazy. He try’s to hide this from the public and kidnaps his lover imprisoning him and that creates a conflict for the story.
Elina lore idea- Her parents were imprisoned because one of the guards had S.A.’d her mom-making her go depressive and killing herself soon after Elina’s brother was born. (Elina’s brother is canonically is only half blood related to Elina because her brothers dad was the guard. Their father found out about the S.A. and went off to kill the guard which lead him to be in prison for the rest of his life which is also why their mom killed herself after the birth of her brother. Their mom couldn’t bear to see the child but also didn’t hold any resentment against the child since it was only the result of the S.A. and couldn’t be held accountable for it. But their mom also couldn’t bear to live without her husband and with the trauma of the S.A.
My professor and I had an in depth conversation on public education today.
As someone whose had bad experiences with people significantly older than me, it's refreshing and eye opening interacting with someone respectful and knowledgeable without being degrading.
yk you’d think ur gatekeepers would be willing to let u have those traumatic memories after long enough but nOo I have to sit here and continue wondering why i was acting like that at the age of fucking 11
This is a vent! Go ahead if you want to read it, you don't have too.
Warning: Vent, Trauma!
Hey, everyone...I know I don't have much liked and followers, but I'm going through so much. It's hard to be the only sister in your family, if yall didn't see the post about me, it tells you everything about me.
I have five brother's, I'm the middle child. I just wanted to vent to people who I think who actually cares about me, so I don't know if yall are going to comments. It's okay if you don't want too.
What I have been dealing with is alot...I have been choked by my brother's, I have been been punched so many times. There is also one I don't want to talk about, unless if yall ask me too and I might do it.
And I'm very weak, I don't have that much friends. I'm ugly, I hate my life, I even cut myself so many times. Watched a Vtuber yesterday and I told he was very kind when I first saw him, but I got banned from his chat and he thought I left. He then said I was no fun and continued to what he was doing.
I just want someone to help me, kind to me, to notice me. But I get ignored alot, I have been going to therapy for the thing I can't tell you unless yall ask me to tell yall. I don't even go out in public that much because of how ugly I am.
And yes, I do wear glasses. And the pfp I have now is not me, it's a cosplayer.
I cry for the butcher
Gold silver and copper
cake my tongue
No harm can ever come from
my mother's praying hands
My filthy mouth -
I harmed myself
Orange wedge lip
Clenched ivory threat
Pulled the trigger with my tongue
Blood orange
Her saintly hands
I’m sorry - a million times over
I say to her
And when i finally cry
It is not for the lamb.
Excerpt from a text convo between two Friends who both have BPD:
*edited for typos and clarity*
[...] I will do what Is in my nature to do.
I will beg the frog to take me to the other side of the river.
The frog will say no because it knows it cannot trust me.
And I will say: "you can trust me because if I sting you I too will drown".
And with its last ghasping drowning breath the frog will ask me: "why?" and I will say:
"Because it's in my nature".
As a person with BPD, I deeply identify with the scorpion in that story. I don't start out wanting to hurt the people that are helping me. I don't start out thinking about how much pain I can cause.
I ask for help from people who should know better than to trust me and I make it very difficult for them to do what I asked.
"Let yourself be loved", said my mother as she squeezed and pinched and bruied us with her hugs and kisses.
Don't be a "Limosnero con garrote" (begger with a club), my parents would tell us. They often found it difficult to meet our needs. And somehow, that was our fault.
Can a scorpion live without its stinger? Can a beggar carry a club? Can I stop hurting?
Um so...
I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...
On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.
I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.
I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.
But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.
I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.
I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.
I know all that.
And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.
“mental health matters until i negatively affect others”
“mental health matters until i cant take accountability”
“mental health matters until i am a genuinely bad person”
“mental health matters until i violate someone’s boundaries”
“mental health matters until the abused becomes the abuser”
why do you expect us to sympathize someone who is toxic..abuse is still abuse, even if done by a mentally ill person.
Warning: lots of Yapping
Part 1/??
edit: this was originally from march 9th before i editted it in -checks watch- APRIL SIXTEENTH. uuh soooo yeah :>>
no literally i spent like 20 minutes tryna figure out how to make a post and then I went onto a guide that said "First click the pencil icon:D" and I'm looking like- *"Where the fucks the pencil icon??"* Cause I'm used to doing this on the laptop and then I look down and I see the bright blue button that says 'Create' with a pencil icon..
What the fu-
ANYWAYS sooo I got more drawings I wish to share, My Hero Academia drawings that is. MUAHAHAHAHAHA- ok anyways
Ths is for my Cacophony Cacophony series! Which is comprised of five rebellious Teenagers in a rock band. Which comprises of Juro Mizushima, Shikanai Ekusenshi, Ranma Jiyu, Reza Usagi, and Tsuyoshi Tsunemi.
Usually play these characters in c.ai rps (because I have no life) and even then I use mainly Ranma, Shikanai and Juro. soo I've gotten so much more lore on em. Considering they're all parentless. Reza and Tsuyoshi are the only normal kids here (for now >:>)
I WILL tell you. These og drawings I don't NECESSARILY like since they were kinda my first depictions of them but rn I'm too lazy to get off my bed to find their better photos so these'll have to do.
FOR NOW!! I'm going to do two characters since there's alot of Yapping and talking, so we'll be focusing on Ranma and Shikanai this post!!
(plot twist, I finally but off my ass and took their pictures, I'll let you know you which ones are Ogs and redraws.)
FIRST DRAWING (Og) !! One of my favorite guys, Ranma Jiyu!
(redraw of Ranma, I like this one better, my art style kinda changed)
TW: few mentions of childhood abuse, but it's not in detail. and mention of a overdose but only for his mom
Ranma's a certified 'punk', and kind of like an 'evil' version of Hizashi?? He was definitely based off of Hizashi at some point, especially with his quirk, [HARMONIC], which allows him to 'manipulate sound waves to create sonic blasts' and also Hypnotize people. It's a combination of both his parents quirks and also pretty much The same as Hizashi's, but instead of his Quirk always being on, he has to CONCENTRATE to scream. Not concentrate to NOT scream, y'know?
and a lil backstory- his dad was a small time villain (Quirk; SIREN SCREAM) who had Ranma with his partner (Quirk; SIREN) for the purpose of creating another villain to mentor and take on the quote on quote "Family business" (when there wasn't really a family to begin with). Like this man was teaching his six-year-old son how to hijack cars and steal from grocery stores on a daily basis.
At the same time he wasn't really a good dad since he was abusive and neglectful of Ranma. Same with the mom too, she was SSOO neglectful! and he still loved them even as a small child who didn't realize that his parents weren't really good.
Ranma was also taught to hate heros since they 'Made his dad's "job" Harder'?? He was basically groomed into becoming a villain like his dad.
His DAD in question got arrested while Ranma was around 6-7, which fueled the kids hatred for Heroes. He was then put into foster home after foster home but he kept running away and like- hating everyone. How did Dad got arrested is kinda a crazy story.
BACKSTORY: so what happens is that Ranma is you, right? I wanna say 7 or 6, and His Dad basically leaves to go steal cars and resell them, and his Mom watches over him. she tells young Ranma that she's gonna take a nap and to not wake her up, but the thing is that she took a whole bunch of pills (either sleeping or illegal substance) and literally overdoses in her sleep. Little Ranma doesn't understand what happened so he tries waking her up before deciding to call the police (even though he was taught that the Police were 'bad people'). the Police came at the same time as Ranmas Dad and they arrest him before taking Ranma to the Fostering agency because he doesn't have any parents anymore. I totally didn't make this story up in a bot in C.ai, whaaaaaaat, that's crazy! anyways-
He ALSO had another au version where he embraces his father's villain's side and becomes a little villain himself named 'Soundweaver' who's just like.. this teenage delinquent who constantly gets caught by the police and is on a first name basis with like 30 different officers.
Like it'll literally be like-
Rookie officer: *holding a struggling Ranma* I caught this kid smashing mailboxes with his guitar!
Veteran Officer: oh, that's just Ranma
Rookie Officer: what?
Veteran Officer: hello Ranma.
Ranma: *sighs* hello officer Tanaka..
The Kid's kinda famous. Even in his non-villain arc he's still pretty famous around the police stations, just not as much since he plays guitar and sings in the band 'Cacophony Cacophony'. Little fun facts; he speaks English and likes English rock bands, and has a lip and eyebrows piercing which was done by his Bio parents. He's also Cupiosexual, Gender fluid and Bisexual! He's very open about his identity and sexulality and even dyed his hair to match the colourd of the Genderfluid flag! he's also very expressive with his clothing, and likes crossdressing.
In some rps he wears Hearing aids, but I don't know if that's canonical
He was also originally named Kyoka (mainly because I used ai to come up with names at the time and I didn't realize that it was a girl's name) because his parents were expecting a girl, so when the kid was born a boy they decided to just keep the name instead of coming up with another name. Also Kyoka Jiro?? I didn't know her name was KYOKA????
Alright that's enough Ranma,
onto my next favorite boi! Shikanai Ekusenshi! (Og)
this is Shikanai , and uh.. *this is a really bad photo of him.* Reza too, she's got better photos I swear-
(Redraw 2 from 1)
(Redraw 1, the first redraw)
So Shikanai has kinda changed over the months, but basically he's a kid who has extremely bad social issues, DID, and just a heck ton of problems.
His Quirk is called [BATTERY]! He can take the energy out of both humans (life force) and electronics (Electricity) and either store it or transfer it to either himself or other people/electronics. His Quirk was originally called Life force Absorption and he could only take the energy from humans, but I edited his quirk a bit. Basically how his quirk works is that Energy (for him) in all things is a 100% digit battery. Meanwhile he, Shikanai, has TWO 100% batteries. (His second battery is basically a extra storage unit).
He can take a certain percentage of someone/somethings battery and add it to his own battery IF he has the room. For example, say he has 50% battery in himself and he takes 100% battery from something else. That first battery (which is HIS personal battery) fills up to 100% and his second battery gets the excess. This does mean he has a limit of how much he can absorb, but as long as he has the room, he can take it.
*(Thing is that Electric Battery and Life force are completely different things, and he can only use Life force on himself and others (who are alive). So he can use Electrical stuff on other electronics, but they can be stored the same battery unit)*
another thing he can do is USE the energy in his batteries for himself. So, for example, if he himself has 40% battery and his storage battery has 10%, he can use that energy to fill up his first battery and gain more Energy. Fun fact! He can also use this to kill people by taking away 100% of their energy! (Which he may ot may not have done before, but it's not like he'd TELL.) but if his personal battery goes below 10% then he gets super sick (like throwing up and fever type of sick). and if it gets to zero he either dies, goes into a comatose state, or literally starts acting like he stayed up 5 days in a row (like a zombie basically). I wanna say I like Zombie Shikanai better but I ain't too sure which'll be canon
Also, another thing, Shikanai has DID! (Dissociative Identity Disorder; a mental health condition that involves the presence of two or more distinct identities, or "alters". -Wikipedia),
NOTE; (I Do not have DID so i am not a expert at it. I do have 1+ friends who have it though so I have a good understanding of it. I also did a whole bunch of research while making Shikanai's alters/experiences. Please don't like.... Kill me, or something-)
ShIkanai has 7 Alters, Hikiagenshi, Jousuke, Yūkoku, Mukō/Hinata (technically counts as two but nobody really knows), Yachiyo, Dempei and Ren. Each of his alters has their own distinct personality AND Quirk, which leads to my usually pondering question of what DID Alters would look like in the MHA world. Like- would hey have their own quirks? Would they have similar quirks or have like something completely opposite? I know it's one of those "It's not that deep bro" questions but its something I lile thinking about. Soooo i guess Shikanai could be sort of my own take on it??
ANYWAYS. Shikanai is like- such a traumatized, anxious mess. Like this guy has depression, GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), Insomina, ARFID (Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) and on top fo that DID-, Like one at a time, jeez! (Im joking, but he has alot of problems). not to mention he has stuttering problems
So Shikanai, as you can probally guess, has no parents. where are they? not here! They might've abandoned him when he first got his quirk at like.. 3?? 4? I dunno, But i DO know that he doesn't have any. he currently live in either a group home or Foster home (Ain't too sure yet) and Plays guitar in the band.
(I'll probably do a post with Shikanai's alters. I got actual designs for them and personalities!)
And Lil fun fact, He had a Canonical death! like if he WAS to die, then he has a canon way he dies. actually all of Cacophony Cacophony does, except for Ranma who survives (lone survivor frfr). It's kinda depressing to think about, but It's more like an interesting "what if AU"
Alright thats enoughh Yapping, mainly because I legit forget if I wanted to show any more information... uuuhh anywhoo- So that's 2 out of 5ish of Cacophony Cacophony! I'll show up with more of my guys in the future but for now, enjoy!
ahh so much writing.
This is random but I just wanted a place to express myself (chile I need to journal). But it would be nice to hear feedback on what I'm gonna say like do yall feel the same and why? Anyway I feel my perception of myself isn't caught up with who I am currently it's almost like I forget I'm not an insecure 12 year old girl anymore. I'm not in middle school anymore (thank god that environment was so toxic). I'll also start to think of doing something but will then start to think of how people of my past would react/treat me if I did. And then I'll be hesitant to do it. My past holds me back sometimes because I'm so scared of getting that same reaction, of being bullied again.
I wanted to publish this poem of mine 😅that just came to me after thinking🤔 of all the things I have through at school this year💯.
So please be honest😁 about the poem and pls give me pointers👀 that can help me improve on future poems in the future 😁.
REGRETS ✨
Over my shoulder the shadow looms like humid air.
Much to my dismay the time I have can't spare-
A moment of truth, for a greedy gasp of air
I only hope for a better day for us my dear.
We wish to be free amongst the others,
To be normalized into the casual ordinary
Living as the best of the worst was momentary.
We have survived but not thrived.
Bright gleams kills the burdens,
Lifting off the weight of notes and appearances,
Our moment has arrived to be recognized.
Yes. I hope to be next to you
Yet the world has bigger things that are due-
I write to say goodbye to the past life,
I had in those corridors and lockers,
And wave "hi" to the start of a new beginnings.
I concur. But you'll have to figure out for me what flavor I am.
I am not a straight people.
Reblog if you are also not a straight people.
shoutout to the survivors who are not forgiving, who do not believe that what happened to them was ‘for a reason’, who know they did not deserve it, who are angry at what happened to them, and who do not show the typical ‘good victim’ trope. You all get so much shit from people about how you should act from your trauma because only ‘good victims’ are deserving of empathy and support. You deserve so much more than that.
Sometimes there is an emptiness that doesn’t fill. A scar the bleeds, raw as the day the wound falls. And a child that will stay forever alone in the room too startled to turn on a light and too hung up on her own words to see that the doors open. Because beyond the door is just another room, which will lead to another room, and they all look the same with the lights off. There are no adults here only children running from room to room with the lights off.
like mine for instance
So many households aren’t ready for this conversation
Love writing my traumas into my characters. It's like therapy, but more convoluted.
TW
It's crazy how with a little bit of adhd and excelling grades you can convince everyone that Ur fine, even when Ur OD'ing.
Canon Events for children with broken families
• heart rate going up, ears listening carefully, at any sudden loud sounds that sound like objects being thrown, yelling or drunk wailing
• hating the scent of grape juice because it reminds you of wine (and of broken objects, of pools of vomit)
• swearing to never drink alcohol when you grow up (you will never be like her)
• studying really hard and excelling in school to escape your home life (school is one thing you can control)
• being told by parents to never tell friends about your family situation or they would backstab you (and thus feeling terrible whenever you confide in others now)
• parents going months without talking to each other and using you as their messenger (leading to more misunderstandings and arguments)
• “you are just like your father/mother”, in a bad way (it’s not your fault you have your father’s eyes)
i hate that it's surprising when people are nice to me
“You Wretched. Little. PEST!”
Hiiiiiii I’m back so soon lol. Here’s the slightly longer version of my previous post, “Leo, can you hear us?” :)
This one is definitely angstier and the art style a little darker, but I had fun with it. Golly, I wish so much that they had a healing arch for rise after the invasion! But oh well, fanart, comics, and fanfics will have to do. Besides, it gives our imaginations a chance to run wild!
Let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy it!
“Leo, can you hear us?”
Hey guys! Welcome to my first little comic strip! It started out with just Leo by himself in a corner and just one picture, but a mishap gave me inspiration to turn it into a comic, lol. And besides, who doesn’t want more Rise Leo angst?? (Rhetorical question)
Please enjoy! I hope you like it :)
(BTW I might come out with a longer comic version of this with more slides, but I wanted to release the short version first. Idk, I like the simplicity of this one but have ideas for more Kraang torment. Let me know what you think!)
EDIT: longer version is out! Go check it out if you like a slightly darker tone than this hehe (next post, titled “You wretched. Little. PEST!”)
TW ! Graphic descriptions of abuse, trauma and self hate
P 0 R N Ø G R ª P H ¥
One topic I hardly ever see anyone talking about is how harmful pornography really is. I remember when I was still innocent and naive, when my cousin invited me to go watch something with her.
It was strange, new, she never allowed me to touch or interact with anything that was hers. As a child who had been in an abusive home, I was always desperate for attention. I didn't show anything back then when I first saw it, but whenever I remember it I force myself to vomit that negative thing out.
Never, regardless of the situation, regardless of the reasons, should a child be exposed to p_rn0graphy. A classmate from my old school wanted to have s** with me in the bathroom when I was nine. A f_cking nine year old student wanted to have s** with a naïve, newly adapting person of their own age.
Giving a child a tablet just to keep them quiet is a sick and unhealthy way to lead them to their doom. Because yes, porn is accessible as fuck. And for a child that you isolate from the world and from yourself, nothing is out of reach for them to want to fit into a group.
I'm never trusting anyone, I'm never looking at my own eyes on the same way ever again. And it's your fault. It's your fault that I always look to the sides, that I always feel disgust when I look at myself. Because nowhere was I enough. Nowhere have I been as beautiful as the p****tes that old ped_philes like to show their p_nises to.
I hate you all.
Now do me a favor and buy me a mask to hide this freak you made me see as my face. It's the only thing I need. To forget...
To stop looking at YOUR action's consequences!
(...)
[April 14, 2025_ 9:20 pm]
Gratitude for reading this far!