Latest Posts by littlecigs - Page 8

as i get older i really do understand why people abuse substances now

Oh to have an isolated place to rage in

I think I'm going to vomit actually yeah

And I missed out on so much of my life because I was living in a constant state of anxiety. And if it wasn't anxiety then it was depression. And if it wasn't depression then it was mania. And I literally can't remember being a child. I can't remember being a person. My whole life looks like this inescapable grey haze and I'm stuck in it. Buried in it. I don't want to fall asleep crying anymore. I don't want nightmare after nightmare. I want to feel safe and comfortable and happy and I am literally incapable of it. And that is so fucking terrifying.

perpetual fuck up

I think the reason I tend to be an oversharer is because my brain just. Doesn't have a sense of how close a relationship is. Like, a conversation between my best friend and someone on the train feels the exact same to me, even if I cognitively know the difference. So I end up just saying stuff when I feel like it, regardless of whether I know the person that well.

Need to get high af right now please and thank you

I want to be more than my disorders but I also want people to be aware of them and understand them and I find that people think I'm trying to push my problems onto them and force them to be sympathetic but like...

I don't need you to feel sorry for me I just want you to understand me. I just want to be respected...

…

Getting that stupid decision itch

Disability will have you thinking shit like “I’m not even that disabled. I can manage as long as I limit myself to very specific careers, never go shopping for more than an hour or two at a time, keep my plans open so I can cancel and stay in if need be, and only go out a few nights per week at the most”

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

The bpd dichotomy of wanting people I like to take pictures of me but also not recognizing myself in them ❤️

::::)))))))

I wonder how many people know that butterfly knives are actually pretty useless in a combat scenario. Like they're fun to play with but that thing will break if it touches basically anything other than skin.....