At This Point, Sinking Back Into My Depression Is Like A Warm Hug. Finding Comfort In This Is Sadness

"How do you cope with your disorders?"

I don't.

When did showers become a space to cry

And not a space where we sung

When did our bed become a refuge and tomb

And not the place where we slept

When did school become a thing of dread and misery

And not a space of joy

When did our parents become our enemy

And not the people we looked up to the most

When did pencil sharpeners become refuge

And not a simple tool

When did it all start to hurt

When did I stop loving you

First rule of fight club is please do not yell at me

Haha me every day

If only they knew....

If they only knew....

Tw sh talk

I need to slit my wrists

I need to watch the blood run down my arm

I need to watch my skin forced apart

I need to feel the stinging as I slice my flesh open

The release as pain is the only thing I feel

I need to watch the scars form

I need to feel the sting when I shower

The pain as it rubbs against my clothes

For this is my punishment isn't it

The best thing about life is that it’ll end one day

Friend may I propose: The Wisp Sings

I want someone to love me

To choose me, to risk something for me

God knows no one has tried

I didn’t plan to be here so I don’t know how to be here

Mom walks in: why are you crying?

Me: life's hard

Mom: are you trying to be funny with me? *begins yelling*

Why thank you mother i think im funny as well :p

So I've been on and off adhd meds for a bit

And I've noticed sonthing

On them its quiet. Quiet in the way where I want to sink into it. I lay in my bed and just dissociate. Quiet in the way my thoughts try to fill the silence. At least i can focus better. When the silence isn't filling me with anxiety and thoughts of my own death.

But off them

It's loud. I can be happy and energetic. And quiet and disengaged. There's so many things running through my head constantly. I have more motivation. Can I focus? No. But that way I cant focus on my own demise either.

Idk what to do. In school, being on them is worth it cuz I cant pass my classes without them. But otherwise its just

Let me sleep lol

If anyone has any advice for finding adhd meds that work and dont wanna make me kms and give me crippling anxiety-- please lmk