Ready To Kms - Blog Posts

Vent

oh yeah, today's been great, definitely didn't relapse. definitely didn't nearly have a panic attack because I thought blood was dripping down my arm in lesson. definitely didn't keep walking into the guy who made s*x jokes about me for half a year last year. definitely not getting angry and overwhelmed by everything and getting yelled at by my parnsst to sort my attitude out.

me looking round the classroom, hoping no one saw me flinch when the teacher started shouting

pepito died . no one fucking move

funny how my mom though she could hide bl@des from me (i found some) she sucks at hiding them

im a bad person

i only hurt those around me

everyones lives would be better if i was dead

i only ruin things

i shouldve died a long time ago

i shouldve never made it this far

im not going to get further in life anyways

im going to die before im 20

either from su1cide or from my illness

i hope i die soon

everyone would be better off that way

(sooner or later im gonna sl1t my throat or ove3d0se on my meds or h4ng myself from a tree in my backyard)

if god doesnt to it, im taking matters into my own hands istfg

i hope this is my last year

might pull a daisy soon 💕

how i feel because i have to go to work soon kill me please

motivation

no motivation, only motivation to die. i want to die. please let me die. jesus christ just bury me alive at this point and set fire to the casket. literally take me out back and shoot me dead in a gravel pit where you killed your dog and goat. literally kill me i cant do this anymore i would rather be dead than have to stay here in this hell

Even ignoring my dysphoria, mental illness, and the general state of the world and society, you know what really makes me want to end it all?

My memory loss due to depression. One of the main functions of our brain and it just doesn't work. Some of my core memories are gone or severely altered. My short term memory is absolute shit. And this is all permanent.

I'm about to turn 20, only 20, and I already have a massive setback compared to my peers. All due to being born into incredibly shitty circumstances that I never stood a chance against. *that* is what makes me really want to end it all. To physically feel my mind, and to extend, body deteriorating. Being suicidal, and by extension, if I actually were to do it.. it is absolutely not a choice. I don't want to die, especially not this young. I'm supposed to have an entire life ahead of me.

Except, I kinda don't. And either way I don't want it with this body and mind.