I Picked Up A Green Tea From The Convenience Store Today.

Dissatisfaction

I really like my life as it is now, I get a few if not a decent amount of things done every so often, like music recitals and competitions and gigs every month or so.

School life is good enough, since I feel like I’d be okay with pretty much any environment. My friends are wonderful too, and they keep me company for the lionshare of the time I’m feeling lonely. They’re fun to talk to as well, and honestly one of the best parts of my life.

The problem is that I can’t help but dream of idealized versions of my life now- going back to that dream of being the stereotypical asian kid with neat handwriting and pocky and stationary of all matching colours. Aestheticism has a grip on me like nothing else, and sometimes I can daydream weeks away cooped up in my head, remembering none of what happened while I was up in the clouds. Social interaction in those times comes on its own, making up jokes and having entire conversations on autopilot without even being aware of what I’m talking about.

Most of my aesthetic wishes are the usual: being productive, matching colours and themes of everything I own, all in something pretty stereotypical of an asian girl (an example being my blog theme- all pink and cute even though I wasn’t a fan of pink when I made it), and, most regretfully of all, a friend group of kids who are all similar to my aesthetic ideal.

I love my current friends- so much so that they’re one of the only reasons why I bother going to school in person anymore. They’re fun and interesting to talk to, play games with me, and give me lots of support- but there’s always some kind of aspect missing from it all. 

I’d never let them go for the world- but when was the last time I had a sleepover? Went out with a cute group and looked for phone accessories? Braided one of my friend’s hair?

My current friend group is absolutely amazing, but I feel like I kind of left some of my planned childhood behind since I stopped having a super close friend group of girls in elementary school.

Is it so selfish to wish I had a group to bake with, to call each other pretty and cute, to tease about who they like, and to paint each other’s nails? Is it not such a wonderful thing to dress up in matching colours, garden with, and look up horoscopes together that you don’t even believe in, but still hope for like some fairy tale?

I really wish I were more of a girl, I’d suppose.

I really do wish that more people saw me as a girl. I hope it’s not too selfish to pray for?

Round two

After about half a week of chasing myself around and trying to get myself in gear again, I've finally committed to the constant effort and nose-to-the-grindstone that I need in order to get my new life. I'll do my best to clean up the rest of my room by tomorrow, and maybe get ahead on my biology studying? I've got a test on the Tuesday I get back to school, anyways.

I've also lost all sense of self-control and bought a cute pocket watch I saw online. Not too bad, but I should really get my wants in check. At least it fits the same style I want to flatter in the future, though.

Here's to hoping this midnight motivation isn't just a spring of energy before bed, and is an actual want to continue my cleaning and work!

<3 Caramel

Fresh air

I'm not sure if it's just the maturity and thoughts that come with growing up, but recently so much of my mind has been taken up with thoughts and plans for the future- finally being able to accomplish goals and dreams I've had forever. Opportunities opening up to fulfill empty wishes and feelings I've had for as long as I remember, and finally being old enough to work on them- yet somehow still young enough to keep my dreams alive. Feels like I've stepped above the clouds.

Is anyone else feeling like this? Is this how growing up feels like?

There's so much I want to do and so little time, but maybe I can prioritize and ration myself to each and every thing I'd like to accomplish, maybe I can live more than I've ever thought I could.

When I'm all old and grey, I'm going to miss this feeling of growing up. It's alright, though- I'll make sure to treasure it as it passes.

<3 Caramel

Walking about in nature really helps relax my mind. This trail in particular felt so beautiful, the rustling leaves and birdsong almost convincing me that I was about to meet totoro himself.

If only soft magical creatures like that existed in real life... I'd never go home!!

A sharp turn

HOLY MOLY I’VE JUST HAD A GORGEOUS IDEA. In my brain it’s so likely to work I think it really will. I need a rational mind to bounce my ideas off of because this is a ltitle too happy for my tastes and I’m feeling manic?? Or maybe this is just regular excitement and I’m not used to it.

My dad is not being my rational mind he is fanning the flames and thinks it may be possible as well is he delusional too or could this actually work

Though I don't like the sun, I miss when the days were warmer

"Where are we, Sen?"

Distraction from progress

I've been having some time off from my spring cleaning and "new life" due to some family issues. Sucks, since all I want to do is feel that fresh and giddy happiness I get when I realize I'm so close. I'm not going to talk about what has been happening specifically, but I do need to spend a lot of time with my family.

Will this be how all distractions feel in my new life? All dragging and somehow hopeless for me? Who knows- all I can do is hope that this doesn't last long. I've got plans with friends tomorrow and the day after, though- so I guess I'll need to fit more of my new life into that.

Just trying to feel better right now, not doing too well though :/

<3 Caramel

So far so good

[2023-09-09]

It's my first week back at school and things are going amazingly! I'm on top of my work, extracurriculars, and have energy to do more and more each day.

Has some sort of magical spell been cast on me? It seems almost too good to be true. Things are just so wonderful as of late, and all this praise might end up going to my head if I'm not careful. As long as I continue having this motivation, things will end up fine, right?

In other news, a few of my friends have been telling me how I've been noticeably happier lately- which warms my heart. Things really are looking up!

Had to rush to annotate my music today. I was hired as a last-minute substitute for an orchestra near me, which means I only have a few weeks to practice it... Hopefully things go well!

The performance is right in the middle of my midterms, too. I suppose it's time to pray...