Though I Don't Like The Sun, I Miss When The Days Were Warmer

A possible turnaround

Though it’s been a while since I’ve started my new room project, I’ve surprisingly faced no burnout so far. It seems like life’s being suspiciously nice to me, which gets me a bit on edge- but I’ll do my best to enjoy it while I can.

My parents have approved of my drawings for my room plan, thankfully. That’s a greenlight for me to continue to clean up completely motivated! And even though I can’t exactly feel it on account of some amount of emotional numbness, I do prefer the kind of energy I’m getting from this than anything I’ve felt before. It’s just a happy feeling, out of the blue, unprompted. I no longer want to do nothing, sink into the ground, or cry- I just want to continue and smile?

It feels good to make progress on accomplishing my dream! I’ve also made a custom search engine for myself earlier today- just to fit my dream as well.

Usually I’d show it to my friends, but if they ask why, “I’m trying to change my entire personality and life” doesn’t exactly sound swell from the other end. No worries though- they’ll know a completely different person by the end of this!

I’m off to clean, I’ll make another post later! 

<3 Caramel

Valentine's Day - 2

There's a cute café near the arcade that's licensed to sell both Uji and Yamabuki matcha, so I took Sen there. We got a crème-brûlée flavoured mille-crepe cake and an oreo parfait to share, while Sen got his matcha and I enjoyed a warm hot chocolate.

It felt like forever since we last met up, so I couldn't be more thankful that we're seeing each other tomorrow, too. He really likes that tendon place near my house, so maybe I can treat him? Or should we could go get curry, as it's really satiating, and can also come with tempura..? I'm not sure...

A slice of strawberry mille-crepe cake Nao got me a while ago.

It was so good, I miss it... (-人-。)

" It's not dango, it's tongjyun!! 💢💢 "

My study snack today, I thought they would be cuter if I drew them faces ^^

hi

hi markus

New life, new motivations??

I feel like a new person. I don’t know what the mental switch was, but I really do feel like someone completely different. For the first time in so, so, long, today I got the urge to exercise! I’m saying goodbye to lying on the floor and never wanting to get up for the rest of my life, goodbye to my horrid self-isolation and unmotivated slugging around. I feel like I’ve stumbled upon something wonderful!

And even though I’m not living in my dream room or wearing my dream clothing, or even have dream grades- I feel so much better just living as a different person, crossing over through lives from a saggy, depressing one to a completely new and bright one! I couldn’t be happier for my personality of smoke and mirrors- after practicing, I can convince even myself that I have likes and dislikes now. I’ve started to enjoy actually doing things, and have been making myself a whole heck of a lot happier meanwhile.

After measuring myself, I can tell that I’ve definitely gained some weight from my prime. No worries, though- now that I’ve started working out again, and am enjoying it, I’m sure I’ll get it all off before my clothes arrive!

For now, though- it’s getting very late. I’ll be setting my alarm really early, excited for tomorrow for once. I honestly cannot believe how quickly I’ve started living in this personality! It feels so fresh to be productive and have the energy to do things now. I’m almost living my dream, I can tell! So, so close.

Goodbye for now, I’ll write tomorrow!

<3 Caramel

Same me, new plans

Woke up today and ate some leftover pizza from the fridge. It always feels so greasy and never makes me feel okay. My grandma was already going to drop off lunch for me but I guess I have no self-control.

Always thinking of an idealistic life where I can live like the rest of the put-together asian kids you'd see in a k or c-drama, I can't really get myself in the moment now. But during the occasional moment of clarity in the present that I have every so often, I can see that I'm pretty much in shambles.

I should be exercising, cleaning my room, wearing nicer clothing, studying for school- why do I load myself up with APs even though I never do homework? I'll never know. I guess I like to live out some aspects of my dream life while neglecting others.

I want to get out of this greasy failure life and live out my dreams as someone who's put together and productive.

Heart

I keep considering getting into writing. Ever since I was little, it’s been a thing that my sister and I have been decent at. She’s gone full send already, working on getting her book published- but I feel like I’d do better in multimedia projects.

You know, things with spacing, aura, timing? Instead of trusting your reader not to speed through and not feel a single thing.

Augh, whatever- it’s always been an option, and I guess it’ll stay that way. More of a skill than a job in this world anyways.

Just had the worst exam of my life... I didn't have my calculator, and nobody had an extra...

I'll let myself cry about it another time. I need to keep studying!

I don't know what the inverse of fun is but I just had a ton of it

Wishing the apocalypse started right now, ruining billions of lives and throwing the world into irreversible chaos because I'd rather hide from zombies and eat scraps than do a midterm for two hours