A Hug Would Be Nice But Not Waking Up Would Be Better.

I wanna smoke a cigarette. I wanna cut. I wanna kill myself. I wanna starve. Everything I want rn is self destruction.

me because i did sm work convincing everyone that i got better and i cant destroy that now

little story

wow I love living in a townhouse and when I go to let my sister into the house ( after losing her keys) only to look behind her an see 7+ police cars at the neighbor across from us. This is a every few month experience for our neighborhood.

when we first moved into this house my mom got woken up to a banging on the door and strobe lights, only to open the door and in her words “a very good looking police officer” greeted her to ask about our next door neighbors, he was very understanding about how we don’t know them as we LITERALLY JUST MOVED IN.

my sister got woken up shortly after because they were calling out to the neighbors to get them to all walk outside and do the normal SWAT team shit, because yes my neighbors got SWATTED.

Now you might by asking, ‘but Daphie where were you when this happened?’ Dead asleep that’s where 😂

I slept through a fucking swatting, I have no memory of this happening until I was told about it in the morning.

moral of the story I can sleep through anything if I slept through a SWAT team- I have a few more stories like that in college lol

every time…

forgot to post this yesterday lol

Breakfast: skipped

Lunch

Broccoli 20

Steak teriyaki 120

Rice 110

Dinner: skipped

Total 250

the ultimate winter experience

I thought that I was better

I genuinely thought that I was getting better, that I was moving on from my past. That I wasn’t the same 83 pound ball of depression and suicidal thoughts. But now I can realize that recovery isn’t a liner line, it’s a wave that has high highs and low lows. Some days it’s be a high, while others are a low. I may be depressed and doing things I shouldn’t do, but I’m not starving myself and I’m not cutting myself. And for me that’s a win. Yes I’m hurting in other ways, but I’m not bleeding and I’m not skin n bones anymore. I have scars that show I lived and I’m 105.8 pounds now. Technically I’m still in the bmi underweight category but not by much. I’m at a happy weight. And while yes sometimes I forget to eat, and others I say that I don’t deserve to. That’s all a part of my recovery, it might not be how others recover as each and every person handles things differently. All forms of moving forward- yes even the ups and downs- are a valid form of healing and progress. It shows that you are strong and kicking whatever it is that you are facing in the butt.

Sorry that this was so long, I’m on day three of not sleeping and needed to get this out. Good night or good morning, I hope you all have a lovely time. -3rat

I thought I’d be dead by now

Are you normal or do you have hypervigilence problems because you always had to be aware of your family members moods growing up in order to deescalate situations before the arose

Wishing to curl up and die

It's just not a good night