In The Beginning

Strong?

I change daily

I'm not far from the brink

Closer than you may think

The word strong used on me, is laughable

I'm mad instead of joking gaily

I'm mad as hell

In a mess of my written words, I'm loud and mean and mad!

Then I become sad

Those two last line words are so vague

In this place I need to rebel

Oh, Ms. Hale

You can’t see it but I'm kicking and screaming!

I'm wonderstruck trying to stop myself from dreaming

I am scared of words; I'm scared to speak the name Voldemort!

I want to pay my own bail

Amy,

I believe you are temptingly wrong,

About me being superhumanly strong

That’s just not human and I'm just a little homo sapien,

Living in a big world, that can’t tame me

Just because of a worksheet, not your notepad

You think I have great strength on the inside

Yes I can be snide

Does that make sense?

I’m just saying, I'm stubbornly mad

Dear, Dear Doctor

Dear, dear doctor,

Do you have anything for a broken heart?

Dear, dear doctor,

It feels like I'm being torn apart Dear, dear doctor,

It's not thumping but it still hurts

Dear dear doctor,

To a different person can you make me convert? I've never been hurt this way before

How dare he walk out the door?

I'm done!

It was never really any fun

Dear, dear doctor,

Keep him away

Dear, dear doctor,

In solitary confinement is where he should stay Dear, dear doctor,

Can you cut off a limb?

Dear, dear doctor,

How do I get my mind off of him?

Too Much

This is the story of my life

I get too much love

Too much

And I’m just not built to hold it

Perhaps I was built for the low life

But sometimes I get too many punches

Too many

And I’m just not built to hold your knuckle sandwich

I’m starting to think I wasn’t made for loving you

I’m too full of hate and anger

Too full

And I’m just about to take it out on you

Because you have too much love

You’re too clingy

Too clingy

I’m not built for you to suck away my life like the leech you are

The more you latch and attach yourself to me the more you repel me

Too much death

Too much

And it has and is currently surrounding me

Along with the presence of a rock and a hard place

Too much love and too much party punch

Too much,

To ever digest

When will it end?

Or will it never?

It’s been too much

But I’m done caring about the past which has only been one extreme to another like,

One foot in a bucket of ice and another in fire

Too far on opposite sides

Too far

They do not balance out in a nice way

One extreme and the other one

Hopes and dreams too far

Too much,

Too far

Kindergarten Alphabet

And now I listen to rock songs

As if I was casting a curse on you, a person who wronged me or was just plain wrong

Beating my

Back with the switch of embarrassment

Counting down from ten turned into

Counting down to when school ended

Destroying potential masterpieces and

Daring to act like my best friend

Examining me

Even to the point of just pure cruelty

Forgetting that we are the

Future

Getting what you wanted you

Gypped me

Happily fed the

Hatred in my heart

I'm still not social and I'm still not great at verbalizing

I clearly learned a lot from staying back

Javelined me with feelings of stupidity and low self esteem you

Justify this because you think it did me good

Knotted my life and slowed me down which

Killed me on the inside with depression

Lengthening my suffering by an extra year and my

Language, once again, has not improved

Motherfucker you

Misunderstood

Nervous because of your harsh, toughness maybe you

Never considered that it was you who was the problem

Ostracized me from my

Own class and best friend

Painful were the years that

Passed but the one spent with you was the most painful

Quivering were my lips, you were the ruling

Queen

Repress my feelings and I hold them inside so that I may move forward instead of staying in the same

Repulsive place where children’s minds are forced into corruption

Suffocation in my Thanksgiving bonnet with a

String under my chin holding in the awkward discomfort

Thinking back on those days with you causes me

Trauma

Underestimated are the soft introverts who are

Usually warm and caring rather than cruel, but now I have

Venom in my

Veins

What made you think that you should be in charge of my fate, while you aged,

Without talking I became stronger in my silence

Xenial from my classmates I so dearly miss and yet

X-rays will not show how much I hurt

You didn’t let me go down fighting,

You tried to sugarcoat my life

Zero in vocabulary you were a

Zealot

A Chip In The Dip

Just another chip lost in the dip

The second half of the broken chip

No one’s favorite

Always picked last

Salty tears I cry                   (cuz I'm a chip lol)

I want to get out of the thick ocean

But I'm stuck

No going back now

Everyone sees me

But they won’t help me

I'm oh so blue

Slowly sinking more and more under

The thunder of the storm grows louder

It surrounds me

I hate the coolness but start to like it

It gives me a false comfort that I like

I like taking a risk in it

Now it has me all the way under

I'm drowning

It hurts less than I expected

I see it getting darker as I sink

But it hypnotizes me

I like sinking

I see everyone else swimming

I like being under it’s like I know a secret that they don’t

They can’t see you because you’re under so far

I have lost most of my salt so I sink yet further

The ocean makes it feel like I'm on top of the world flying

But I'm just the opposite but I don’t care

No one can save me now

But I like that, it makes you feel free of everyone

I wish that one certain person could save me

They think they did one other time but they didn’t

You think I’ll be perfectly fine again, but what if I never was?

I screamed for help once but you didn’t listen as I walked away

I need them

How dare you leave me like this?

I think you owe me an apology yet the world still owes me nothing

You think you cleaned my slate for me but you didn’t

Instead you scratched it up

You think nothing of it

But you don’t know half of it

I just want you to hold me, with your gentle fingers and warm me with the kindhearted words you speak

Sorry I just get scared and lonely just like you

Please heal my stone turned heart

It’s been broken from a young age

Living day to........day, broken

I've almost hit the bottom of the almost infinite ocean

I want to be in the sky

The sky is infinite

I hope you realize that what goes up doesn’t always come back down

Angles started from the ground and they stay in the sky

I want to be there

Save me if you care

I hope you’ll be there forever

Forever not never

Voice

Voice in my ear

Telling me how you’re trying hard

You’re way too near

Get out of my ear

Voice on my face

Asking if I’m mad at you and why

You’re too much on my case

Get out of my place

Voice in my nose

Smelling the sickening sweetness

Waiting for the next tissue blow

You can’t know, you can’t know

Voice in the strands of my hair

Tickling my scalp, fooling it

Looking good when I’m in a helpless flare

Why do I care anymore? Why do I care?

Voice behind my eyes

Fucking causing me a headache

Are these voices lies?

When I’m an idiot, I’m buying; I buy

Voice in my own songs

I have to find a way to exterminate the exterminator!

I may be wrong,

But in me you do not belong

It’s Over

I cant believe its over

The ending came; it came without a warning; It came just this morning

And its all over now

I always knew the end of the tunnel,

Would come eventually

And its all over now

But I guess that I thought

The end would never come for me

And its all over now

The three year old is finally free

And scared

And its all over now

All those years of being held prisoner

All those moments stuck with mean dicktators

And its all over now

I was just doing my time,

Of a little shy of 20 years

And its all over now

Before I had come to the conclusion

That I had gotten a life sentence

And its all over now

Still stressed but now I can breath,

A little deeper

And its all over now

Part of me wants to go back because now I don’t know what to do,

Without someone yelling commands at me

And its all over now

On me own

All alone, just how I wanted it, right?

And its all over now

I can finally rip part of this crowded box open,

Shed my fake skin I had to plastered to myself just to survive

And its all over now

I want something different

I cant stand having the same ticky-tacky exterior of everyone else, of 9-5 days

And its all over now

T-20 years and still counting

I feel ripped off

And its all over now

I Am Slipping

I am slipping

Out of reach

And it’s freeing

But depression

Is slipping

Through the cracks

In my voice

My non binary

Voice of being

Gaily befuddled

I found myself

Laying on the floor

Staring at the ceiling

And that’s how I have conference meetings with depression

I want to

Be okay

With the present

But hold on a moment

I need to take

A call

A conference one

I want to feel real

Again

And I don’t know the next time I will  

I want to take a tired walk

To the kitchen

And smash a few

Plates

And fall

Into

A ghost’s arms

I cant always be my own hero

Super girl is only so good

I just might have to call up gut girl

Because she can at least stomach me at my worst

I feel behind in life

And its so hard

To not compare myself to others

Because maybe my life

Isn’t a highway

Like other people’s lives are

I’d much prefer to enjoy the view and stare at natural beauty

I don’t get

The constant rush

That society puts on us

Maybe that’s why I like to lay on the floor

And stare blankly at the ceiling

But then my thoughts start rolling like thunder

And the cycling begins…

White Memorial

I don't like to be

Distracted by the hand held

Devices of now

I just like the quiet

I'd rather just be silent

And just listen to...

Boardwalk bridges that

Sound like a xylophone that

Lead to spiderweb,

Facial masks, that lead to

Nature's cotton candy, that

Are cattail trails, yet

With all these great things

It seems like people don't like,

To listen and watch

Lachrymorose

Seconds away from crying

This Hoover Dam of an eyelid is doing a good job

But it’s seconds away from breaking

All these tears dammed up inside could make Lake Lachrymose,

Leeches, Aunt Josephine and all

That was until she took the fall...

Tears on a cliff

Stacked up on a penny

About to spill over the thin edge

My hot tears

Have the potential

To set this place on fire

I know that

If I were to let them tumble down

They would burn my flesh with streams of lava

Droplets from the sun

Rain from Venus

This salt water is boiling within

Like tears from Rappaccini’s daughter

I am on my own

For I am poison

But I refuse to let them fall

Like pieces of hell

Raining from the ceiling