With You

I don’t want to be your    drunk text romance. I don’t want to hear your    confession of love at 1 a.m    when you are drunk   and lost in your feelings of    loneliness and desperation. I don’t want to be loved   the way you love me    whenever you feel like it. I don’t want to be loved because   you want to love someone    and I am the only one around. I want to be loved    because you love me   not because you think you do. 

I am sorry but I am not going to make it Instead, I will float in the sea of unconsciousness and slowly drown to the sound of your voice I am sorry but I am not able to be yet I will rather remain as an ungrown flower and hide in the shadows hide from the sun hide from the rain only to avoid growing up and to stay a child I am sorry but I am not ready to fall this early because if I fall for you you are not able to catch me and I can't fly yet I am sorry but I am not ready to leave my nest yet I am not ready to fly not ready to grow not ready to be the human you try to see in me

Believe that it's all possible All the dreams And all the wanting All the changes All the promises All the hopes Everything is possible It doesn't depend on the stars Or the lovely words out of someone mound. It depends on you And your actions Because it's your life and your life only

I would love to allow me to be loved by you But honey, oh honey don’t doubt the loudness in my head words which scream how not enough I am over your words how much you adore me I want to let myself fall right into your arms where you would hold me tight and close but still every little bit of space would be just enough room to develop a black hole which teleport me right into my brain where my thoughts wait like thirsty wolves ready to punish me for letting myself fall for you

It is insane how intense I feel  your skin on mine even after you left I feel your hands which grab me tight and close  like it wasn't your phantom which drives his fingers over my body 

How all the water in the world isn’t enough to clean my skin from your touches which imprinted on my body and cover me with paintings I could never draw on my own

You can’t make a home out of a person

and at the end, it’s all I wanted  to make you my home fill your body with my spirit fill my soul with your love to find me in your mirroring eyes I wanted to make a home out of you feel your presence next to mine breath your air which filled your lungs once and now fill mine

And still no matter how hard I tried  to make a home out of you to hold on to the idea of what we could be you were never mine you were never my home no matter how hard I tried because you can’t make a home out of a person

empty faces

It is another kind of heartbreak to realize that I still haven’t found the soul I am searching for in the person, I hoped so much would reflect my perception of perfection after spending so much time searching in empty faces and beliving that this one has a heart that would mirror my own Just to see they are just another empty face in the crowd of lost lovers I got lost in as well Only this time I painted their face so it is easier to pretend and hold onto something that isn’t even there It is so tiring to search without finding or find without keeping because even if they leave it wouldn’t be their missing that would hurt but knowing that nothing has changed I am still on my journey through empty faces until finding the other wanderer who searches for a face in so much emptiness as well

When will appear the day where I am finally ready to open my eyes? Stop hiding from days, months, years which I apologize with "Today is just one of the other kind"

Where I will stop dividing days into "this kind" and "good kind"

Where I won't fear falling asleep because of how terrifying it feels waking up and living without changes

Where driving home won't feel like an obstacle I can't overcome but end up panicking every Sunday all over it again

Where I am ready to open my eyes and perceive the colors of the world swallow them and start to see what I am missing by holding my eyes closed

You are a beautiful soul  remember that

And if he wants to leave  Let him go Because you can’t hold onto something that's already gone You can’t stop people Neither stop time or stop moving on And you will see Someday you will feel  Awake and alive again Because after all

You are a beautiful soul remember that 

I did not expect to find a heavy heart like mine in hollow hands like yours