I Would Love To Allow Me To Be Loved By You But Honey, Oh Honey Don’t Doubt The Loudness In My Head

I feel trapped by my own heart  Losing my patience by searching your presence  in the fading words you left behind You promised me nothing  but I still feel betrayed Every day I am waiting  falling for you Staring at the world and no clue what to do

It is insane how intense I feel  your skin on mine even after you left I feel your hands which grab me tight and close  like it wasn't your phantom which drives his fingers over my body 

How all the water in the world isn’t enough to clean my skin from your touches which imprinted on my body and cover me with paintings I could never draw on my own

I want to discover freedom rename the emptiness inside of my mind I start to understand that nobody ever said emptiness had to be filled to enjoy, to feel, to be it`s only an assumption a comforting picture the feeling of feeling fulfilled. we are used to fix and fill and fit get uncomfortable around unknown, around space because we desire comfort which isn’t freedom in the first place so at the end of the day how can we feel free when we try to fill ourselves only to avoid the void inside of us Isn't it the empty blue sky which let the sun enlight the day? Isn't it the open dark sky which let the moon guard the night? why don't we use the free space and instead of calling it emptiness let’s call it freedom instead of calling it loneliness let’s call it independence instead of searching let's call it finding

Honey

Honey, you want to heal? forget the ugly words and the things he did how he blew out the candle  and you found yourself lost as the light faded away

Honey, you want to move on? Let go of the past  and the “I love you”s you shared Take back the person you gifted the time you shared Take back everything you don’t want him to keep

Honey, you want to live again? Leave the sadness you found after love and start all over again Find love in yourself and the things you enjoyed  Make room in your mind by throwing him out Find comfort in being alone

Honey, is that what you want? Healing, moving on and living? Because the truth is, it’s all in your hands but you rather remain in your situation Do you fear that the pain it takes to let it go would be more hurting than the pain you are currently in?

Honey, you won’t heal by  rereading and relistening old text messages and voice mails You won’t move on by  asking the universe for a call from him You won’t live again by reliving the memories you saved in your mind

You won’t find yourself by searching him

Honey, stop it,  Stop procrastinating on the future  Stop hurting yourself with the past  Don’t throw yourself away  It’s your love where you will find yourself again Not his

It’s you where you will gain the power from to heal move on  and live again

old cigarettes and bitter black coffee a taste of discontent on the tip of my tongue closing my eyes to enter a storm of endless thoughts, a dusty brain sometimes my body feels too heavy to carry so I lay down and just stay in a strangers bed for as long as I can get away with it old sheets and red-stained walls a strangers bed became my home

Allow yourself  to heal Your life is not dedicated to  suffering and pain You are allowed  to feel delighted You are allowed to love to be loved to be loved by yourself

Go and search your fly swatter In the end, I am just a fly trapped in your mind searching a window to freedom You closed every escape after luring me so carefully Let me fly into your self-made prison And walls Covered with paintings of love and security Just to wake up at night to try to escape from the fly swatter you hid in your walls You wanted to spray so much love Where is it, honey? Did you lost your words just as easy as I lost the sight of the truth?

You are a beautiful soul  remember that

And if he wants to leave  Let him go Because you can’t hold onto something that's already gone You can’t stop people Neither stop time or stop moving on And you will see Someday you will feel  Awake and alive again Because after all

You are a beautiful soul remember that 

When did "I love you"s  lost their worth? They are no longer a promise of feelings but rather a confirm of enjoyment they are the life we dream of but not the dream we live they are the desire we hope for but not the passion we find they are a lie we replace with the truth but not the truth we see in each other we love to live a lie because it is so much easier then to go outside again and find someone where “I love you” is more than a construct against the loneliness

Falling in love is its own kind of violence