Henley Monday:

How surprised are you that Marquel is still around? Not just because The Bachelor is usually...well. But because of his jester ways and picnic table shirts too.

"HIS JESTER WAYS"!!!!!!!! That's amazing.

YES. Yes. What in the hell is he still doing there? I think his days are definitely numbered. When he literally just sat on that couch and made her stand up in her formal gown "to teach her some self-defense moves" I thought for sure that was his kiss of death because WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT? But poor little Tasos went home instead. Although Tasos' time was up for sure. He was not up to snuff.

I'm coming for ya Marquel...just you wait....

Happy birthday, Jim Henson. You are missed.

We're diving right into the deep end of the pool with the very specific brand of Celine insanity.

Can we really begrudge her all the electricity conducting and modern dancing and bald albino clowns when we take into consideration the extreme melodrama of the song itself? No. The answer is no, we cannot. And therefore, we must enjoy all of this batshittery to it's utmost. We must. FOR LOVE!

Henley Monday -

Summer time has finally come and come to stay! The sun is shining and birds are chirping and trees are budding and the lilacs smell INCREDIBLE.

So here's Alexander Skarsgard on that lovely summer staple, the beach! He looks very rugged like a field photographer for National Geographics of yore. Thumbs up.

The return of summer also means another TV staple will return to our lives. True Blood starring the Skarsgard here will be back on June 16th with all it's insane and completely bazoo plotlines. Until then enjoy this trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGgt_jllHcA&feature=player_embedded

Happy Henley Monday, everybody!

Here's a smiley, happy, scruffy, and oh-so-charming Jake Gyllenhaal looking casual yet perfectly put together in his white cotton henley. Ah, that should help 5 o'clock roll around a little sooner, now shouldn't it?

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Welcome to your recap of the Women Tell All which is always a tricky thing to recap as there is so, so much back and forth between embittered women on uncomfortable stools. I shall endeavor to convey the high emotional stakes to you, my dear readers. And without further ado, let’s jump in!

Oh no, just kidding, there will be MUCH further ado about nothing as we get to watch Chrises Harrison and Soules crash Bachelor viewing parties across LA. There are many, many screaming women, a drunken mom who kisses Chris on the mouth, one very douchey LA guy who says he loves the show, more screaming women, and all of this set to what I swear to God on High is the score from Beetlejuice.

And for more ado, we also have a highlight reel of the major dramatic points that will be addressed over the course of tonight. The two biggest issues at hand are Kelsey the condescending widow, and the beef between Britt and Carly. The video package ends on the rather chillier things Carly said about Britt as they were both eliminated, and we pull out of video to see Britt tearing up in her chair.

My patience level with Britt’s dramatics is starting off at about a 2, so she doesn’t have much to go on here. Starting out the gate crying is NOT going to help.

“Why did you pretend to be my friend the whole time?” Britt asks Carly. And then Britt launches into a literal Sob Story about how she sat on Carly’s bed and put cucumber slices from her salad onto her eyes because she’d been crying so much about not knowing where her and Chris’ connection had gone.

WOW. So much to unpack there. Firstly, Britt needs to pare down her words and get tougher skin. Secondly, that is such a stupid and specific thing she remembers of “putting cucumber slices from [her] salad onto [her] eyes.” I mean what the hell? Did they have dressing on them? Did you actually think that was going to help you depuff IN MEDIAS CRIES?

Things escalate to where many women are talking over each other either in defense of Carly or Britt. What Carly and co. want to say is that she was “friendly to” Britt because she didn’t want to create drama or be outwardly mean to someone. But they are all having a hard time putting that sentiment together.

Quick update on Carly’s eyebrows: it looks like her makeup was professionally done. She looks great, BUT those eyebrows are still mostly the same shape but have been filled in a lot. There is hope for her eyebrows yet.

Anyhow, Chrarrison tries to smooth things out by bringing Britt up into the hot seat right then and there. We hear more about how Britt believes that her relationship with Chris didn’t begin to crumble until Carly said something. Carly pipes up that Chris in his blog acknowledges that Carly was the third person to bring up Britt’s lack of authenticity to Chris. Ashley I. did and so did Jade.

Then Jillian rips into Carly saying how she badmouthed her (Jillian) to Chris in front of her and the other women. And then defends Britt as being one of the sweetest, purest of heart people she’s ever met. Um, ok. Thanks for that shining character reference coming from the woman who asked the most appalling “would you rather…” on her date.

Britt is now putting on the biggest show that she is crying.

“Your insecurity and your jealousy shined through,” Jillian screams at Carly. At this point Jillian is continuing to scream so much that Chrarrison has to whistle to get her to calm down.

“You’re a little jacked up!” Chris says. And she calms down enough to hear more from Britt.

Basically, Britt is overwhelmed by the powers of editing and that the producers have an end game that isn’t necessarily “the truth.” Just in how she was as she was leaving the show, she has no idea how this game works. It’s a game, Britt. So yes, they are going to cut a scene of you telling Chris how you can’t wait to have kids with a scene of the women talking about how you said you didn’t want kids. They do that so that we watch the show and decide that you’re an evil, manipulative cow. Which, you’re not. I just think you’re naïve and on top of that a person I would never get along with in any capacity. But she takes everything so goddamn personally that she can’t see the forest through the trees.

As they cut to commercial, she cries even more. But she’s not crying. She’s just closing her eyes really tight, quivering her lips, and shaking her shoulders. For someone who’s trying to wipe away a reputation as fake, she would be wise to produce more actual tears.

The audience’s reaction to Carly is mixed. There’s both cheering and booing after what she says to Britt. This Women Tell All has become the Carly and Britt Show, and I don’t care for it. I don’t care that Carly said some mean things (at the prodding of the producers) about Britt. I don’t care that Britt might have been fake. They both got eliminated! Work it out off camera, ladies!

“Do you honestly think that had Carly not been in the picture, you’d still be with Chris?” Chrarrison asks.

And Britt silently nods her head as many women pipe up with “no’s”. That’s that. That’s not…no. That’s just not even close to the truth, Britt. She finally actually cries some tears to Chrarrison in what she thinks is an off camera moment. Well, Britt, goodbye.

Now we move right along from that pile up, to Kelsey our “Black Widow.” I have never in my life heard or used the word widow so much as on this season on the Bachelor.

So as we pull away from the shots of all the women celebrating on Kelsey’s elimination, we see Kelsey tearing up. She actually tears up though and cries as she describes how this whole thing has put her back in the grieving stage. She was starting to feel whole again, but now, after this experience, she’s back in terrible place.

Oh please, because you insulted everyone around you and acted like a prized idiot you’re grieving? That’s what she says as she cries so hard she asks for a tissue. I feel like ordinarily they have tissues at the ready but this time no, just Chrarrison, ever the gentleman, offering her his hanky.

“Are you sure?” she asks, “It’s silk.” He nods, so she uses it. And then there is a sound of audible disgust from the audience. Hankies are a gross concept to be sure, but Kelsey did nothing but use it for its designated purpose. Come on, audience; lighten up on her a little.

“Do you know why the women disliked you so much?” Chrarrs asks after our snot blowing break.

She hems a little before saying, “I’ve been told that I seem condescending and I use big words.”

YEAH KELSEY, YOU’RE BEING CONDESCENDING BY SAYING THAT YOU WERE TOLD YOU “SEEM” THAT WAY AND BY SAYING “BIG WODS” INSTEAD OF SAYING “LARGE VOCABULARY” AS IF THAT WOULD FURTHER CONFUSE THESE DUM-DUMS WHO DON’T KNOW BIG WORDS.

After she continues her speech about how she felt so attacked and the women are rearing to tear her up, she ends by apologizing to Ashely for the disrespectful things she said about her as they both left.

Then it’s time to really lay into Kelsey. Juelia, the other widow, is upset at how Kelsey used her tragedy as a tool and says she is the fakest person she’s ever met. Megan, whose father died suddenly in a similar way to Kelsey’s husband, can’t understand why she said the things she said about her story. Megan also hands what may be the only olive branch Kelsey gets by saying that she thinks Kelsey was still grieving, but then why did she come on the show?

Why indeed, Kelsey? And for having such a big vocabulary, she does a very poor job explaining why she said the things she said in the way she said them. We move away from Kelsey feeling like nothing is really sorted and life is meaningless and the universe just keeps quietly expanding yet remaining infinite. INFINITY CAN’T GROW, BUT IT CAN BECAUSE UNIVERSE.

Speaking of space, this is a genuinely natural transition and I’m super thrilled about it, we have Ashley S.! She is here to atone for her erratic and alien-like behavior on the show that even managed to flap the unflappable Chris Harrison.

Ashley is majestic. I will say, however, that even though I cracked wise and made jokes about her being on opiates, she might actually be. She is erratic and strange, and I worry that she might actually have some kind of issue. She speaks strangely and reacts in a way that does not say she is all there. I mean, she might be. This bizarre alien being might be who she really is, but something tells me she’s not all right. So we shouldn’t poke too much fun.

What I can point out though is that Ashley S, being inspired by her time on the show, has started growing onions. She brought Chrarrison an onion as hosting gift, and let me tell you he is downright tickled by it.

Something else I’ll add to the Ashley S. discussion is that she is very confident in all her replies. Ashley S. is Ashley S. and while everyone in the audience is tittering about what she’s saying, I think she may, possibly, be in on the joke. She acknowledges how much the cameras make her just act silly because it’s all absurd.

Chrarrison then breaks character for once in his life to ask, nay beg, Ashley to join Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants “Do it!” and she responds, “It’s so weird…just that we’re on TV.” Ashley S. might be smarter than all of us because she just deflected that like a pro.

Next on the hot seat is Jade in a banging red body-con dress. Body be banging. Body. Be. Banging. But also her brain and personality be banging. She’s so calm and sweet. She was upset that Chris rejected her after they had such a strong connection and had seemingly moved on after she revealed that she modeled for Playboy. She is very upset that he seemed to act one way with her even as they broke up and then called it “disturbing” in his blog that the girl he saw was different than the girl her family described.

Jade is too good to deal with a simple, idiot farmer from Iowa calling her actions “disturbing” in any way. She’s the only one other than maybe Kaitlyn who has legitimate beef with Chris for his actions and words. He’s a real piece of work, but in quiet ways, which is why I don’t know if this will be the blood bath I want it to be.

And OH MY GOD, we still aren’t getting to tromp Chris out there. Kaitlyn, the most recent reject, has a turn up on the hot seat. She is still reeling from getting eliminated in Bali and wants answers. She felt the most confident she’d ever felt at the rose ceremony during which she was eliminated.

“Honest to God, I think about this every day. Every single day since this happen I wonder why couldn’t he have given me one tiny little sign that maybe I wasn’t the one?” Kaitlyn reveals. She got a really big serving of a broken heart from Chris and just wants to understand more of what happened.

So finally, after nearly two hours of highly emotional women and back and forth that got us nowhere, Chris Soules comes marching out to the hot seat. WOW. SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY: BRITT FEELS SHE NEEDS STILL MORE ATTENTION AND BEGINS “CRYING” IMMEDIATELY UPON SEEING CHRIS.

Chrarrison hands the floor over to her right away and she comes up on stage and hugs Chris for an uncomfortable period of time. Britt starts right away by telling Chris, in the most put-on humble way, that she doesn’t blame Chris for believing Carly because Britt believed her lies too. Oh! Britt! Get thee to Days of Our Lives!

“Thank you for all that, but I want you to know that the reason things didn’t work out wasn’t because I believed or didn’t believe Carly. I mean, my decision was based on our journey together and our relationship, and there’s some things that I saw and felt that it wasn’t right,” Chris explains. Because yeah, Carly isn’t some conniving villain set out to destroy love with her litany of lies. Jesus, Britt, get a hold of yourself.

“Thank you,” she says as she wipes away yet more tears THAT AREN’T THERE, “That makes me feel better.” Oh, ok. Sure. Now you feel better that he dumped you because you were a selfish brat who threw a hissy fit about not getting your way?

Chris is really over all her theatrics and is just humoring her at this point. I think we might be done with Britt now once and for all.

Now that Britt got her martyr’s speech out of the way, we move onto Kaitlyn who has an actual reason to talk to Chris. Girlfriend needs and wants closure because she got hit by a truck when she was eliminated and given no real reason why.

She keeps coming back to the fact that he wanted her to put her guard down and be vulnerable, and as soon as she did that and opened herself up, he kicked her to the curb. Now, to be fair to Chris (though he doesn’t fully deserve it) part of what being vulnerable means is that you can get hurt and you understand that the relationship is worth the risk of getting hurt.

Chris still doesn’t have an explanation for her as to what happened and that he feels it was “like throwing darts in the dark.” OH SURE, MAKE HER FEEL BETTER BY SAYING IT WAS RANDOM.

Kaitlyn is having none of that and pipes up that Chris should have given her the same chance to talk as he did to Becca, and he should have given her the same courtesy Andi gave him by not putting her through the agony of a rose ceremony at that point in their relationship.

“What in your mind was making you think ‘You know, I’m gonna make her stand through that Rose Ceremony’?” Kaitlyn asks.

Chris apologizes for putting her through that and basically says he was doing the best he could because it was his first time being the Bachelor. HAHAHAH OH HOW RIBALD. WE HAVE FUN HERE CHRIS, YOU GIANT ASS.

To continue the skewering of Chris’s ass-hattery, Jade comes up to talk to Chris about how he sent her home and what he said to her. She calls him out for calling what he saw in her “disturbing” which he stumbles around an explanation that that was just a poor choice of words.

Jade is very well spoken and composed during all of this. She is having none of this. Chris’s reaction to her photos and basically lying to her face and saying it was all ok and then calling the whole experience awkward and uncomfortable gets put on the table. He just again, chalks it up to a poor choice of words and says that they both felt a little awkward. So that’s that. No justice for the wronged, Jade.

And then it is time for Chris Harrison’s favorite moment of any season, THE BLOOPER REEL! NOBODY LOVES ANNOUNCING A BLOOPER REEL LIKE CHRARRISON.

And that brings us the end of the Women Tell All. I will see all of your shining, beautiful faces next WEDNESDAY (ON TIME FOR ONCE THIS SEASON, I PROMISE). We have the big finale to look forward to, and although I have a very clear pick for the winner, I feel that my hopes will be thwarted. But we shall see to what extent Chris Soules shows his ass! Until they my sweets!

Distraction 2012 -

I'm about to head out my door to cast my ballot and vote for the president of the United States. Before I go, I thought I'd leave you with a great 51 second break in your day.

This is the best fox out there. The best fox doing it. The only fox who gets so excited to see people, she literally gets paralyzed in excitement. Bless, Chuckles, bless.

Let's keep her enthusiasm in mind as the night wears on and our spirits begin to dampen, shall we?

The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

Even armed with a twelve pack of Summer Shandy, I’m not sure I’m prepared for this week’s double-header of The Bachelorette. But with tonight, the third episode, Andi and Company are already hitting that rowdy road off to Santa Barbara. That is even faster than usual to begin the traveling.

“I’m so lucky to be here in Santa Barbara. This place is unbelievable from the sand, to the air, to the mountains,” Andi beams. She is thrilled to be both in the lap of luxury and in for some serious romance.

Back at the bro-mansion, Chris Harrison breaks the news to the guys that they are going to Santa Barbara to join her on the dates for the week. First guy making the journey is Nick V! The cutie-patootie from Chicago. “Let’s ride off into the sunset,” the date card reads.

He puts on an adorable olive-drab henley, scoring infinity points in my book. They are going to go bike riding through the town and just have a relaxing date. She is excited that this date on bikes and at the beach is just normal and chill, something they might do in real life.

In LA at the mansion, Andrew and Marcus are having an in depth discussion about Nick’s odds of coming home while both sitting shirtless on a tiny settee on the patio. They tell us that Nick is the biggest skeptic of “the process” in the house, so it could work to his benefit, or it couldn’t. But I’m mostly distracted about the homo-eroticism of two men sitting in towels and heatedly discussing the love life of another man.

After bike riding, Nick and Andi do some hiking in the gorgeous foothill mountains just outside Santa Barbara. They have a really calm, natural energy between them, and Andi is right. By Bachelorette standards, this date is fairly normal/low-key.

Atop a small mesa, Nick tells Andi that he feels the natural amount of skepticism about “the process”, but that he’s been so impressed by her so far she’s blowing him away. Nick is just a regular dude: a great, nice regular dude that if I met in Chicago, I probably would never have pegged as someone who’d be on the Bachelorette. But here he is. Doing great. Being a normal, kind of dorky dude.

They climb farther up the hills to watch a stunning sunset. I do like them together, so we’ll see how far this little “schoolboy crush” goes.

The dinner portion of the date is at the old Santa Barbara courthouse that is in that beautiful, traditional Spanish mission style. She starts right away by asking him why he thinks he’s still single. So he dives into his whole love life including a long high school relationship, a quickly broken engagement, and why all that led him to where he is. Andi loves his honesty and supports his decision to break off an engagement when he knew it wasn’t right.

As they continue talking, Andi realizes that they share a lot of the same views when it comes to love and finding someone to spend your life with. She says it’s “obvious” there’s a connection. She gives him the date rose with the promise that she’ll “make [him] a believer in all this.” They kiss from the top of the bell tower, and it looks like a pretty good kiss, lemme you tell you what.

Now it’s time for the group date I’ve been most looking forward to. These are the men participating: Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus. “Let’s start things off on the right note” says the date card and the men are convinced it’s karaoke.

It’s not karaoke though; it’s so, so, so, so much better. I should start this off by saying I am 100%, un-ironically, obsessed with Boyz II Men. Like there is no group with tighter, more beautiful harmonies in the last thirty years. AND I’M SO EXCITED THEY ARE THERE TO COACH THESE DUDES.

Bradley the Opera Dork is already doing arpeggios on the car ride to warm up. I’ll kill him. Such an embarrassment to Holland, Michigan home of New Holland Brewery and Hope College and two stunning state park beaches!

They are at the Music Academy of the West and enter an auditorium to the three remaining members of Boyz II Men singing “I’ll Make Love to You.” The dudes are appropriately pumped. I have goosebumps because of beautiful harmonieeeeeees!!! I’m so EXCITED FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in the 7th grade,” Eric admits. Amazing, dude. Bradley already tries to sing, and I hope he chokes. Josh is really nervous because he’s not trained like Bradley but I think today the underdog shall prevail.

The guys split off into two groups to start rehearsing with their respective Boy II Man. And oh my god! OH MY GOOOOOOD. THEY ARE ALL TONE DEAF. I’M LAUGHING SO HARD I’M CRYING AT JOSH JUST NOT EVEN CLOSE TO MATCHING THE NOTES THE PIANO IS MAKING. Cody is also very not good. Brian is worse than both of them put together. I am SCREECHING and CACKLING with abandon as we cut to Marcus who at least knows how to get away with talk-singing, but it still hurts me so bad.

This is already 100%, without a doubt, my favorite group date in Bachelorette history on sheer entertainment level. Bradley is singing like an opera singer and that hurts me almost as bad as the tone-deaf singing. Tasos is ok. Compared to the rest he’s an American Idol. As they practice the harmonies together it sounds like a pack of wild dogs. They know they suck, so it’s at least laughing with them (but also a good dose of laughing AT them).

Andi is also so, so, so tone deaf it’s incredible, but she is such a good sport with it all. She’s winning me over by being so hilarious and fun with everything. Bradley won’t stop being the WORST, and I can’t wait for the final performance in front of people.

The Boyz are giving some great color commentary about two or three of the guys being able to carry a tune well enough to bring it to water and drown it. I’m laughing on purpose; I’m laughing at their expense. I’m laughing so much. Please, please find a clip of this online and listen in because it will make your life a better place.

The concert starts up with the Boyz II Men singing their new and old hits and slaying the crowd. Marquel is thrilled and says they are #blessed to have the opportunity to sing with them.

The bachelors make their way up to the stage through the soaring voices of the Boyz. They enjoy the concert as nerves rise and rise. During one song, Cody leans over to Andi and says, “hey, whatever happens, this is an awesome experience.” I hate Cody so much, but he is so right in this situation.

Both groups of guys get on stage. One group is in khaki jackets and red ties, and the other group is in matching blue cardigans with bow ties and baseball hats. The music starts up and they do the traditional 90s R&B low-talking to their “girl” at the beginning. Would you be shocked to hear that Bradley starts out? And he’s singing it straight opera-style, and Josh Groban he ain’t. This is not meant to be sung like a trained opera singer, BRADLEY. IT SHOULD COME FROM YOUR HEART AND YOUR LOINS NOT YOUR DUMB DIAPHRAM.

Eric does passably well. Cody is very bad. Brian hurts my ears so much. They are butchering the song but commit to it like someone at karaoke singing Whitney Houston when they know they are in way over their head but having so much fun anyway. Andrew is terrible. Marcus doesn’t remember the words. Bradley is straight up hogging the mic. Everyone is in agreement that they had a blast and it was fun despite ruining the song. I agree too. That was a blast for me.

The cocktail party is poolside at the resort, and Andi is in a killer hot pink, draped, one shoulder dress. She pulls Cody (ugggh) aside first because she feels like she and Cody share a similar sense of humor, and she wants to try a little prank. So she sets up by saying she heard “chatter” that he has a girlfriend.

Cody is shocked and then says, “I’ve been single for about three and half years!” Dawg, you such a playa no one can hold the Cody down for too long, ‘nah mean?! Ha HAAAAA!

But anyways Andi goes on and says, “Well there are guys who’ve been saying you have a girlfriend…and that’s she’s A STRIPPER!!!” AND THEN THEY LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH. WHAT A HILARIOUS PRANK. Wow. I almost crack a smile it’s so funny, but then I don’t because nothing will ever make me laugh like those men trying to sing a 90s R&B classic.

Man, do they ever laugh. Cody is such a jabronie, and I can’t handle him. But a fun thing is that you can see that his natural hair and eyebrow color is growing in without the opportunity to bleach it every third day. I hope he continues to metamorphose into a normal human man.

Eric is starting to worry about their connection and wondering if it’s perhaps faded a little bit since the initial heat of the first date. Andi tries to reassure him that it’s just a different setting and that she still feels the same for him. Eric accepts this.

Nick brings the date card at the mansion over to the three remaining men sweating it out in the hot tub together. The date is going to JJ! My favorite pantsapreneur around!!!

Marcus is feeling pretty nervous about being around all these other guys when he’s developing real feelings for her. He’s hoping he’ll get his first kiss with her tonight. I 1000% do not understand her obsession with him. They kiss. Marcus feels really great about it. I do not.

Josh continues to be adorable with is dimples and tiny scarf on his big body. They make out hardcore because she likes him a lot. He is kind of yucky and VERY, VERY sensual. I’m sorry I just said sensual, you guys, but there is no other word for the way Josh is behaving. He’s close talking and whispering and interspersing tiny kisses with long, deep kisses. Josh got mad game, yo.

And for “opening up” to her (WITH HIS MOUTH HOLE) the date rose goes to Josh. He’s stoked. Bradley is crestfallen in a dumb red satin tie. SATIN. I mean honestly.

And now it’s time for JJ’s date. He’s so tall and cute. Andi is stoked, as am I. He is wearing quite the pair of pants that I can only assume are his design. The date today though is the most cracked thing you could imagine.

They are going to “grow old together” which is funny in theory, but in actuality they are just being put into full body old age makeup complete with hair, clothes, and I imagine a ton of spirit gum. It really feels like the producers were scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one.

JJ looks like the Crypt Keeper, legitamtely, and he says it. “I look like a creepy old uncle or grandfather! Whatever…I look like a really creepy old man.” They both have a good hearty laugh about how dumb he looks and kind of cute she is. They go for a walk on the boardwalk to try and fool some people with their act. I don’t like it. They basically just stage whisper to people as their old people voice, and it is just terrifying.

But they both seem to have a lot of fun with roaming around Santa Barbara on motor scooters.

They yuck it up throwing a football around a park and doing some cartwheels. They just keep laughing fooling all these people. I don’t think they’re really fooling anyone, but they both have so much fun. They share an awkward first kiss swinging around on a tire swing.

Um and then in the CUTEST moment of the whole day, JJ pulls a Werther’s Orignal out of his pocket for Andi. Then they ride a carousel together and continue to be generally adorable.

Meanwhile, Ron gets a distressing phone call. He’s pacing around the driveway of the mansion and speaking in Hebrew/English to someone. He packs all his bags as the guys wildly speculate as to what happened. He comes in to say good-bye, and share that his close friend has passed away. He’s so cute. Literally my roommate and I were just cooing over him during the group date, and I feel so bad for him. Poor Ron! Godspeed. We wish you well.

 Back at the date for dinner, the two meet up back to their normal, young selves. JJ is still dressed kind of like an old man, but in the most charming and adorable way. He will probably have a rough patch of adult acne for the next week because of that makeup though.

JJ really opens up about being picked on and having to switch schools because he was having such a hard time. And he talks about how it’s hard for him as a weird, quirky guy to find a girl that will really love him. JJ! You SWEET, PEACH OF A MAN. Andi assures him that they all worry about finding someone and encourages him to continue just being himself.

He’s so cute, you guys. I can’t stand it.

More Mansion Drama is going on with the men though. Not boy-fights, but Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face has some life stuff he’s worried about telling Andi. So in the interest of telling someone before he explodes from nerves, he tells Farmer Chris, who is turning out to be the Renee of this season. He’s such a sweetheart as he listens to Dylan BH-GF pour his heart out about having both a sister and a brother pass away from drug abuse. This poor, poor man. He cries a little and Chris puts a reassuring hand on his back. These two. Like a couple of puppies.

Andi is really taken with JJ though in all his goofy, sweet ways. He tells her about his most recent past relationship and blah, blah, blah. Can you all tell that this is always my least favorite part? No one cares! Get to the good stuff! JJ’s talking a lot though, so I hope Andi’s not turned off by that.

She gives him the date rose though and they share a lovely kiss that isn’t hindered by layers of old-age makeup and spirit gum.

At the start of the rose ceremony, Andi sheds a tear or two over Ron having to leave. Her heart is aching for him and his loss, and she is so grateful for the men sacrificing their time to be there. Andi’s dress tonight is on point. Finally. It’s this deep raspberry, strapless number. I love it.

While Andi is talking to Eric and having a good time, a delivery guy walks in and hands her a bouquet of flowers she has to sign for. “I wish I was responsible for this,” Eric whispers as Andi reads the heartfelt card from none other than…Nick! That is a slick, slick move Nick (the Producers). How very cunning of you (the producers) to concoct such an elaborate scheme.

Andi feels really bad for being so happy about the flowers while Eric is sitting there. He is totally thrown off his game. Poor Eric.

Nick totally wins all of the points from Andi for sending those flowers. She loves that it seems like real life that he just sent the girl he likes flowers. Nick admits that he wants to make this process seem as close to real life as possible and do exactly what he’d do under normal circumstances. Andi loves this, of course.

But once again, and I have a feeling not for the last time in the next two episodes, drama erupts. JJ pulls Josh aside to discuss what they witnessed the week prior when they went out to dinner, and Andrew not only got the hostesses number, but also bragged about it to the other guys at dinner.

Josh and JJ are the truth police and pull Andrew aside to talk to him about it. I at least like that they talk to Andrew about it first, instead of running straight to Andi. The phrase “here for the right reasons” gets thrown around a lot. And Andrew just says “I’m not going to engage in this. I’m sorry.” And walks away which is exactly how a guilty asshole behaves. They chase him through the house demanding he “man up” and are finally turned away by him slamming a door.

Andrew decides to come out of his temper tantrum ready for battle. He feels that Josh and JJ attacked him, and you know, he’s the type of person who will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, “even dorks, even assholes, even the f***ing nerds.” SHOTS FIRED, ANDREW. SHOTS. FIRED.

He comes downstairs to confront the guys in the kitchen over a cheese platter and some cocktail meatballs (I’m hungry). He tries to defend himself saying that he was handed a phone number and that was that. But all the other guys are saying that no, he “got” a girl’s number then proceeded to brag about it to everyone else in the van on the way home and to the other guys in his room back at the house. He’s being an absolute ass hat about the whole thing. I don’t like this guy to begin with, so every move he makes just digs him deeper and deeper into being a smarmy yucko.

Andrew won’t stoop to the level of the “three lowlifes” who confronted him. What an ass.

But with all that being said, we go straight into the rose ceremony with nothing being said to Andi. Which leads me to believe that the major drama tomorrow night will be as a result of this shit hitting the fan.

Roses go to: Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and the final rose goes to Andrew.

Which leaves Brett the hairstylist with a mullet-mohawk and Bradley the Dweebus opera singer going home. It also leaves tensions high and hackles raised amongst the remaining guys with Andrew squeaking by. Until tomorrow, folks! We’ll see you there.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

        By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.

                  Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.

Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.

Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.

           But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.

The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.

The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.

     He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!

He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!

On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.

HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.

    Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.

Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.  He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!

Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.

    The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.

Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.

    A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf

They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.

The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.

     Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.

Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.

Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.

Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.

Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.

  Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!

Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.

Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?

    Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.

Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.

     At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.

Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.

As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.

   I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.

She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.

    Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.

Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.

Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.

Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.

As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.

    We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!

I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.

   They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters.  He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!

In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish!  And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!

   WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!

You can tell me that it's Steven Tyler as many times as you want, but all I'm ever seeing is this guy.