The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap
The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap
By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.
Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.
Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.
Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.
But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.
The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.
The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.
He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!
He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!
On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.
HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.
Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.
Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed. He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!
Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.
The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.
Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.
A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf
They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.
The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.
Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.
Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.
Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.
Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.
Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.
Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!
Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.
Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?
Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.
Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.
At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.
Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.
As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.
I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.
She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.
Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.
Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.
Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.
Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.
As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.
We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!
I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.
They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters. He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!
In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish! And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!
More Posts from Popculturepolarbear and Others
Female Empowerment Friday -
Is this going to become a regular thing? I dont know! You tell me! But for right now just listen to this kick ass song sung by two kick ass women and feel empowered and feel open to all the love you deserve because you probably don't give yourself enough credit and DAMMIT you should!
Listen to it once for the sheer amazingness of the vocals, then listen to it again for comprehension. Take it all in and go out into the world like you f***ing own because you do, you woman of strength, power, and beauty.
Tribute Time: Best of Game of Thrones Finale
The Top 5 Best Parts of Sunday's Game of Thrones Season 2 Finale
5) The Westerosi Wedding Vows - "I am his, and he is mine, from this day, until the end of my days" Dayum, Robb Stark, you always look razor fine in that fur cape, even when marrying a girl with a honker nose and breaking a pretty important vow/treaty. Except, duh, Robb would not be saying his vows to the Seven, but rather his father's Old Gods of the North.
4) Theon's Speech and Subsequent Concussion - We have all been wanting all season for Theon to get a serious blow to the brains, and we finally got one! It did, however, come from one of his own men after he gave, truly, a "good speech". What is dead, may never die, Theon, but what is douchey may always be bitch slapped. FOR WINTERFELL!
3) Tyrion Lannister - Can we just give Peter Dinklage all the awards for acting we have? Let's just give him all of them forever and ever amen. I mean that scene with Shae, COME ON! He is a Lannister who makes me feel feelings OTHER than rage and disgust!!! PS - Yay, Podrick Payne!
2) Jaqen H'ghar - Sexual Bad Ass and Faceless Man. Is valar morghulis Braavosi for, "let's make out"? I hope so, Jaqen, but can it be with your old face and red hair, not the new guy?
1) Dracarys - Daenerys Targaryen once again shutting it down with her dragons and fire and magic and righteous punishments for treasonous jerks and all around amazingness and perfectly flawless hair. You are blood of my blood, Khaleesi.
Honorable Mention: The Others' Arrival; Brienne Serves Lady Catelyn; Joffrey Baratheon Hitting on Margaery Tyrell; Sansa's Wee Smile after Getting Dumped in the Throne Room
You doin' alright, Joff? Oh what, that? Yeah, no, that's how they always dress in Highgarden. Oh? It's...no, it's okay, your grace, it happens to every man.
Tomorrow I will be standing up in my best friend's wedding. Tess and I have been best friends since a chance meeting on our way to preschool when we were both three years old, and through thick and thin, have made it to this moment right here. So for the next few hours (before I really need to get my shit together and get to the rehearsal dinner), I'll be posting some of my FAVORITE wedding related clips from film and television.
This first one is from the seminal rom-com "My Best Friend's Wedding". Fitting, huh? It's also special because it's set in Chicago, just like us! And OUR bridesmaids dresses are purple, too! AND the bride is blonde! But that's pretty much where the comparisons end because I'm not going to kiss her and sabotage everything at the 11th hour. Or am I? (I'm not).
Best Part: the lobster claw waving waiters
Henley Monday -
It is no secret to my readers/friends/family/colleagues/casual acquaintances that Chris Evans is my main squeeze. And what with the last month's ever increasing publicity for the new Captain America: The Winter Soldier premiering here in the states in JUST THREE DAYS, I've been like a hog in mud. So much Chris Evans everywhere all the time in all sorts of outfits like sweaters and tuxes and THREE PIECE EMERALD GREEN SUITS (IT WAS REAL. IT HAPPENED.).
But perhaps no piece of clothing has been favored quite like the henley. The first picture is from a day of press he did and there are infinity shots of him and his tattoo out here on tumblr for you. I just picked one of my faves. And the second photo is from his spread in the current issue of Variety. And there were at least three other henleys that aren't even pictured here. I mean, my cup runneth over!
HAPPY CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER WEEK EVERYBODY!
Game of One Direction:
In the game of One Direction, you live or you die. Or rather, you love and you cry.
Let’s start in the North and work our way down south (that’s not meant to be sexual; we’re starting at The Wall and ending in Dorne, with an added treat at the end). Just who in the Seven Kingdoms are they? I’m SO glad you asked.
Liam Payne = Jon Snow
First off, the physical similarities are uncanny; they both look like pouty neglected puppies with beautiful deep chocolate eyes and scruffy facial hair. Their faces just SCREAM love me, and I do boys, I love you more than Arya loves revenge. Deeper than that though is that they also have that quality that says,”I’ll make a life long vow to protect your kingdom, babe, but I’ll also have hot forbidden cave sex with you.”
Like Jon Snow, Liam would fight a giant for you; he looks amazing in midnight black threads; and is a natural born leader. The people he surrounds look to him for answers, guidance, and approval, a position he fills with natural ease. Liam wields his pen to write love songs that slay a young girl’s heart like Jon wields his sword to slay the White Walkers. Excuse me while I swoon!
It took both Liam and Jon a couple hundred thousand words to find their niche, but once they did they became warrior poets. I love you my brave boys.
Also, Liam’s last name is an homonym for “pain”, which is what Jon Snow is in all the time.
Laim, you can be the watcher on my wall, the sword in my darkness. Please be my fire that burns against the cold, my light that burns the dawn…
Louis Tomlinson = Tyrion Lannister
Ok, before everyone goes all Red Wedding on me, HEAR ME OUT.
Like Tyrion, no one gives Louis enough damn credit. He’s the type of person with whom you’d get sloppy wine drunk and giggle like a pair of jesters till the sun comes up, all while bearing his soul to you bit by bit. By the dawn, he’s your new obsession. The minute someone pointed a cross bow at you, Louis would rush to your defense armed with only his acerbic wit. He can insult you to your face so cleverly that you won’t realize he’s done it till he’s sauntering away, but it’s so charming, you ain’t even mad. Louis and Tyrion are always five steps ahead of everyone else in the room, a constant reminder that you’ll never be as badass as they are.
Underneath Louis’ sarcasm lies a heart that’s literally made of gold. The heart of a warrior, a lover, a true prince. Louis is a precious gift from the seven gods, AND WE NEED TO TREASURE HIM.
You light a wildfire in me that burns bright and cannot be quenched. The world is in your debt, Louis, we’ll try to be more like a Lannister and always pay you back.
P.S. - It should be noted that Louis has the regal cheekbones of Cersei and is as handsome as Jamie.
Harry Styles = Margery Tyrell
If I could describe Margaery Tyrell in one word it would be charming. Has anyone ever been more charming than she? There wasn’t one. Not one, that is, until Harry Styles climbed out of the primordial ooze of X factor.
Think about it: Margaery is so beautiful, so sweet, so charming that she had Joffrey (noted psychopath and sadist) wrapped around her perfect finger. Margaery had Joffrey turn from screaming for the head of every peasant who side-eyed him to giving them free food. Remind you of anyone?
Harry is the type of person you could walk through a garden with while casually discussing sexual preference, a man who would glide into an orphanage handing out toys and love. A man with dimples the size of craters, and hair as majestic as a peacock’s tail. And no one, I repeat no one can pull off wearing the deepest of V-cut clothing like these two.
Oh Harry, you’re a queen. Not just A queen, the queen.
P.S. - Come 2020, I predict Harry will reach Margaery levels of hair majesty.
Zayn Malik = The Red Viper Himself, Oberyn Martell
Once upon a time there was a Sun Prince. A Sun Prince so sexual, so captivating, so dazzling it felt as though all light and warmth came from his being and not the sun. That man was Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik.
When Oberyn Martell glides into a room, all objects and persons slowly begin to revolve around him like the planets circle the sun. Zayn is no different. Zayn is a god, an enigma. Zayn just might be the same sun that’s affixed on the Martell banner.
Oberyn and Zayn share a love of the beautiful things in life: art, music, his lady love. Don’t be fooled by his calm and charming exterior; Zayn is fierce. Zayn can seduce you with a look, wears the hell out of a dress coat, and would avenge your death twenty years after your murder. Others throw themselves at his feet, but he remains loyal only to you.
Also, lets not forget when Niall got pulled down by paps at the airport and Zayn was all:
Most importantly, Oberyn’s fluid skillful twirl fighting is the physical representation of Zayn’s vocal riffing.
No one has ever been as alluring as Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik
Niall Horan = Hot Pie
Don’t be fooled by his Targaryen good looks. Niall is Hot Pie through and through
Hot Pie may just be the best character in the whole series. Niall may just be the best person on the whole planet.
When you’re sad and full of despair because you failed your test or perhaps because your whole family has been violently murdered, Niall is always there to make you smile.
Like Hot Pie, Niall doesn’t get caught up in the tedious drama of everyday life. Sure, he supports you in your never-ending quest for violent revenge, but he doesn’t play the politics game himself. His carefree spirit and absentminded musings always bring a smile to your face and make him universally loved. It’s impossible not to adore these two.
Remember the time that Hot Pie baked Arya bread in the shape of a direwolf like a motherfucking gentleman? Who else would do this for you but Niall? He might take a bite or six out of it before gifting it to you, but it’s the thought that counts.
You bet your bottom gold dragon that this boy would shower you with love, humor, and loyalty.
P. S. I had a sheer moment of panic this morning of “wait, is Harry ‘I used to be a baker’ Styles Hot Pie?”. But I feel my gut was right.
P.P.S. -. My favorite sentence in ASOIAF is “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie” and my favorite member of 1D is Niall Horan. What do these two facts have to do with each other? Nothing at all. I just wanted to write “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie.” Now I’ve done it twice.
P.P.P.S. - If you disagree with me, I would love to hear your thoughts. Please let me know your opinions. I’d love to gently correct you on them.
Henley Monday -
Did you really think I wasn't going to go in search of pictures of this guy? Did you really think with the blizzard of social media that happens every Sunday night and Monday morning that I wasn't going to do my damndest to find a picture of Aaron Paul looking smoldering hot in a henley?
OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH. Of course I found a picture of Jesse Pinkman with that crazy intense but oh so attractive look in his eye that says, "get over here, girl" and NOT "bitch" because this is dreamboat Aaron Paul we're talking about not his character, come on now.
Distraction 2012 -
I'm about to head out my door to cast my ballot and vote for the president of the United States. Before I go, I thought I'd leave you with a great 51 second break in your day.
This is the best fox out there. The best fox doing it. The only fox who gets so excited to see people, she literally gets paralyzed in excitement. Bless, Chuckles, bless.
Let's keep her enthusiasm in mind as the night wears on and our spirits begin to dampen, shall we?
Game of Thrones...It's All in the Details
I'm currently 200 pages into the third book of the Song of Ice and Fire series, A Storm of Swords and up to date on every episode aired thus far. Which at this point means I've read over 2000 pages of George's writing and consumed hours of televison.
As such, I would like, for your pleasure sweet Internet Nerd brethren, to make a list of the best minor details in the world of Game of Thrones.
5) Devastatingly detailed descriptions of clothing. Sometimes I wonder if Lord Mormont is wearing boiled leathers and his black mail hauberk in his solar. And then George RR Martin tells me that HE IS! Good. That's just good sense. And, oh no, Littlefinger is NOT wearing an amethyst velvet doublet and cloth of gold embroidered cloak on the streets of Kings Landing! WHAT A FOOL! We get much less of this in the show, and I miss it. Like when you see Loras Tyrell, he has flowers on his armor, but it is no where near as splendid as I'd dreamed.
Pictured: Fashion!
4) MAPS! If a book has maps on the first pages, I know I'm in for a good read. If the map has a detailed key? Even better. With all the talk of battles and castles all over the seven kingdoms, I'd be absolutely lost without a reference of Riverrun to Harrenhal, to Moat Cailin to Bear Island, to Dorne and out to Braavos and beyond.
3) Varys is a eunuch, and you'd better not forget it. It's too late to start taking a tally of it now that I am thousands of pages and tens of hours of television in, but seriously, I have it grasped pretty firmly that Varys is a eunuch. If we were to play a drinking game to Game of Thrones, we would drink every time they mention that Varys the Spider is lacking his "manhood" "stones" "working parts" or any other weird euphemism the people of the Red Keep deem necessary because for not having any, THEY TALK ABOUT HIS JUNK ALL THE TIME. And for how much they talk about it, they never address what I think we all want to know the most which is how the hell does he "make water"?!?!
"I really need to make water."
2) Saying "make water" in place of literally any other way to describe that bodily function. If we're being honest, the use of "making water" is actually one of the very few things that irks me about the world of Game of Thrones. There are so many words I use other than this particular turn of phrase, and yet it is the only one he ever uses. And, as a friend recently pointed out, doesn't the use of "make water" implicitly convict them of not knowing the difference between water and URINE? And for how inconsequential "peeing" or "pissing" or "relieving my bladder" (see what I did there George?) is in my life, somehow for these characters "making water" not only comes up a lot, but also ignites series of important events all the freaking time.
1) The Fossoways! Up to this point, my list has been parts of the books/series that are really things. Small, yes, but quite important things (here's looking at you, maps!). The Fossoways are less so. But that makes no never mind to me because I need you to know that I LOVE THE FOSSOWAYS! I love that there are Red Apple and Green Apple Fossoways. I love that when you introduce a member of that family you have to clarify from which color apple this Fossoway comes. And then to consider that the Stark sigil is a direwolf, Baratheon's have a crowned stag, the Lannister lions, Greyjoy's golden kraken, but the Fossoways? APPLES! Oh, those? They're just apples! Well, are they red or green apples? BOTH! HA HA! THEY ARE BOTH! Who needs fear when you have formidable fruit for foes? I want to know the Fossoway words so I can have them tattooed on my shoulder blades under the red and green apple Fossoway banners.
PS - OH MY GOD. I was googling images for this post and found out the Fossoway words are "A Taste of Glory". I repeat OH MY GOD! TATTOO ME NOW.
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow -
For what now seems like the entirety of my elementary, middle, and high school career, one teacher, each Halloween featured this short animated film "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow". Made by Disney in 1949 and narrated entirely by Bing Crosby, it is as much a part of Halloween to me as trick or treating and pervasive feeling of being "just a bit too cold" in whatever costume I wear.
If you haven't seen it since your childhood school days, you really owe it to yourself to watch and enjoy this version of the classic Washington Irving tale. Not only does it do it complete justice, pulling directly from the text, but it includes wonderful songs from a by-gone era of Disney sung by golden throated Bing Crosby. It also is entirely enjoyable and laugh-out-loud funny in its animated mastery of physical comedy.
Settle in after work, before the madness begins, and get in the spirit with Ichabod Crane. Happy Halloween!
The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap
When we last left our hero, Sean had narrowed down the gaggle of women vying for his true and everlasting love down to 16 from 19. The previews for this week show Tierra taking a dramatic fall down the stairs, so we have that to look forward to. They want us to believe it might be due to foul play, perhaps even on the part of Kacie B., and I can’t wait to see it.
Knowing exactly what we’ve all come here for, ABC dutifully starts the show with a montage of Sean doing various exercises and sweating it out on the treadmill. Sean sweats a lot, so I think he really works out that hard, that often. Good for him. I hope he puts forth that much effort into things like reading and keeping abreast of current events.
Kicking off is the first one-on-one date with Leslie M. Leslie H. the poker dealer is really disappointed that it’s the other Leslie who gets to spend quality time with Sean. As Leslie is getting ready and telling us how excited she is, I can’t help but notice once more how much she reminds me of just “that girl” from college. She is pretty, she is perky, she is actually really smart and studious, but also a bit of a wild card. Like, don’t we all know a Leslie?
“It could take our relationship to the next level, which would be a great thing,” she beams to camera. Yes, Leslie, taking your relationship from having done one photo-shoot together to an actual relationship would be a thing.
In the limo, Sean and Leslie discuss what the date card could possibly mean. It said “How long will this love last?” and that’s a little presumptuous to use the word “love” date card.
Then they pull up to the most horrifying museum on one of the most awful streets of America, the Guinness World of Records Museum on Hollywood Boulevard!!! It would be nearly impossible for me not to make a sour face upon arriving at what I presume is a very smelly (You know how some poorly kept museums smell weird?) and stupid museum.
Leslie proves she’s in politics by diplomatically saying, “Ok. This could be fun. But, like, if I could’ve picked any place, I really didn’t think we’d be coming to the Guinness World Records.”
They wander about and comment on the plastic mannequins of various world records. I can only imagine how bad that museum smells. It looks very small and very creepy, but the two manage to smile and laugh.
“It’s been fun because she is fun to interact with” is a real sentence that came out of Sean’s mouth to describe this terrible date. I am going on public record that I will volunteer my time to tutor him in use of the English language and maybe read a few books. Nothing sexy, just book-learning. Get in touch, Sean.
Well, now, hang on a sec! What’s this! Sean wants to show Leslie the reason he brought her to this toilet bowl! Set up in the middle of the museum is a poster board that production put together at Kinko’s and mounted on a tripod. He tells us the story, “Something that you need to know, is that my dad? He likes to do things a little outside the norm.” Oh boy. “He set the record for driving through the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time.” So, pretty much the most boring world record you can think of. Longest amount of time sitting on a couch would be more exciting than that. But Leslie is astonished and thrilled!
And now the real fun begins because Sean takes her out to the front of the museum to a cheering crowd and Chris Harrison who tells them that they will be attempting to set the world record for longest on-screen kiss! WOOOOO! It’s three minutes, sixteen seconds and she looks very, very scared.
To make this as uncomfortable for everyone as possible, the two mount a small platform and then we painstakingly watch all three minutes and twenty seconds of their kiss. At first it’s a fine kiss, then it just drags on and on and I hope they can breathe. They are both commenting how ridiculous it is, and then finally, finally they break the record and detach lips.
What a fun, fun date and what a great story to tell the grandkids, “Oh yeah on our first date Grandpa took me to a crappy museum then forced me to kiss him for a record setting amount of time as he sucked the oxygen from my lungs, then we fell in love”.
Now for the rest of their date under the sign on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. Leslie talks about how much she loved growing up, and how much she loves hanging out with her family, and how much she admires the love that her parents have. It might be sincere, but it also just sounds like the list of things Sean wants to hear because that’s what he is all about.
Kacie, Robyn, Kristy, Leslie H., Desiree, Catherine, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniela, Jackie, and Tierra are all going on the group date that says “Who’s going to win my heart?” And some of the girls are excited for an active date.
Back on the roof top, Leslie and Sean awkwardly kiss some more while holding champagne flutes! There is nowhere to put them down but they can’t just spill all over each other so they manage to kiss with champagne flutes precariously perched all about. And Sean gives her the rose. I like Leslie just fine, so I’m not sorry to see her stick around for a bit, which I think she just might.
Beach party group date!!! The girls pull up in their beachy best for a day of fun in the sun! Kristy the Ford Model is wearing more makeup than a drag queen and has a bandana around her head like 80s fitness Barbie. All the girls appear to be wearing coordinated swimwear provided by some unnamed sponsor.
Sean does push-ups with one of the girls on his back in front of all the other women.
Surprise! CHRARRISON IS HERE! A no-stakes beach party was too good to be true, so to make everything horrible Bachelor style, they’ll be split into teams and play a game of volleyball. The losing team goes home, and the winning team gets the rest of the date with Sean. They do this at about this time every season just to bring out the best and worst in the contestants.
Handily enough, the randomly selected teams are wearing matching swimsuits. Blue team: Kacie, Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, and Amanda. Red team: Taryn, Leslie, Kristy, Daniela, Tierra, and Catherine. Catherine hasn’t gotten much screen time, but in every frame she is smiling or jumping for joy or laughing and not in a dumb way. I think she is 100% reveling in the fun that is being a contestant on this crazy show, and I like that.
This game is “not exactly pretty” as Sean says and I can’t help but agree. Out of twelve women, not one of them played high school volleyball, and so it drags on and on and on with lots of shrieking and falling. Finally, the blue team prevails and wins their hard-earned time with Sean.
To say the girls on the red team are devastated would not nearly accurately describe the depth of their disappointment. Taryn can’t believe how much was at stake and they lost it all. Over the joyous squawking of the blue team, Sean says good-bye to the other girls.
Kristy starts sobbing and is beating herself up about letting her team down. She needs to take a deep breath. Leslie H. starts crying in the van-ride home too.
The victors are swept off to the most magical and romantic of locations: Sean’s pad. “Follow me. Welcome to my place,” he deadpans as he leads the girls to their dream date. They can’t help but gloat about how lucky they are to spend time with Sean.
Walking into the living of the mansion clad only in the bikinis they left in, the losers arrive to lick their wounds. As some more women begin to cry at their loss, Catherine just holds her face and observes them as if to say, “Omg, guys. Get over it. It’s not that big of a deal.” Preach, Cathy!
Tucked into a dark corner of the property, Lindsay professes her very deep, very quick feelings for Sean and they make out. She seems young, but she’s making up ground from her initial freak-show status.
Desiree pulls him away to another dark corner next, and she is just cute as a button. They have some actually good and natural banter that doesn’t consist of her professing her deep love for him way too soon.
The final one-on-one date card comes and Tierra picks it up. She reads off AshLee’s name…then Selma’s! What!? No! Not a two-on-one! And especially not with those two chicks that I like so much! Except wait. Just kidding. Tierra made a hi-larious little joke there. She is so funny. I’m laughing so much. The girls are about as amused by it as I am. Sarah feels me. She is over that Tierra girl.
So it’s just AshLee on the date. As a side note though, Selma looks like she isn’t wearing a stitch of makeup in this scene and is still radiantly lovely. I’m jealous but even more totally Team Selma.
Anyways, on the group date Amanda is very contrary and still really negative which makes sweet lil’ Desiree all fired up. Amanda proclaimed earlier that she is very competitive and we see that side come roaring out as she goes gunning for the rose. Desiree is not thrilled by her blunt confidence and calls Amanda “creepy”.
Meanwhile, Kacie has been keenly observing this whole ordeal, and decides that it would be to her advantage to tell Sean about their issues because she thinks he won’t put up with drama. So she pulls him aside and tells him all of this. And he basically says who cares? Kacie tries to backtrack and make it about her being confused and distracted, but he’s just over it right then and there.
Sean gives the date rose to Lindsay of all people and she is just happy as can be! A strange choice but whatever, I don’t think she’s going to be here all that long.
Now that that heinous group date is out of the way, it’s time for dear sweet AshLee to get her one-on-one time. She wants to be able to tell Sean about her past and being adopted and just have some good conversation. I like this girl already, and plus her hair is beautiful and her dress is pretty.
Then we hear a series of thuds and several shrieks and squeals. Tierra down, everybody! We have a Tierra down! A burly producer runs right to her aid, as all the other girls quickly gather to observe the scene. They let Sean just waltz into the house and call out “Good-morning!”
He tries asking Tierra questions and she is just not responding and being weird, and he thinks she has a concussion. “As a guy who’s had several concussions,” AH THERE’S THE RUB “I know we might need to get her to a hospital.”
So the ambulance is called and paramedics arrive. But Tierra no likey. As they start to put a brace on and get her strapped to a gurney she becomes quite petulant. “I’m FINE,” she wines, “I don’t wanna do this!” She sounds like a sixteen-year-old being told to clean the bathroom.
She just wants to be left alone! Waaa! She doesn’t want to do this! Waaaa! Sarah makes eye contact with an EMT and they share an eye roll. Sarah is also wearing a “support local artists” tank top, so extra plus bonus points for Sarah.
All of the girls are totally over it when they take off the neck brace and Tierra just springs back into standing position and mopes away. Least amused of all is AshLee, “I’m a smart woman. I can see through [her].” Tierra is twenty-four and seems about as mature as a recently turned twenty-one-year-old. AshLee, despite her infantile name, is thirty-two years old and has been through real sh*t. She has no patience for this. It’s date time! Get your man and go!
Sean and AshLee finally get on their way, and stop his jeep at the front gates to Six Flags! This is a date I can get behind. The park is open only for them, and a few special guests Sean has invited along to show how dear volunteering is to him. Joining them will be two chronically ill girls who met online through a charity called “Starlight Children’s Foundation” but have never met in person. So today, they get to finally meet and spend all day at the amusement park. So sweet. I love this.
Brianna is a tiny little thing with very long hair. You can see the excitement radiating off her, and then the next limo pulls up with Emily. They run to each other and gently hug with great emotion as Sean explains that they both suffer from mitochondrial disease. They both look so wee and fragile, so I hope they don’t break on the coasters.
Sean and AshLee are both very genuine and very sweet with these two girls who are totally awesome. I can’t help but wonder if they’re Nerdfighters. Anybody out there know? They ride the rides and play the games and have tons of fun. It’s a joy fest. AshLee is so touched that Sean was so thoughtful, and he is touched at how natural AshLee is making these girls comfortable.
Then there is a private concert from the Eli Young Band! For once they are not a d-list country band; they are pretty high up there. “I’ve never been to a concert!” one girl says. And they all dance as the girls sing along.
During their one-on-one time, Sean and AshLee have a natural conversation about her childhood and her adoption. She has such a calm demeanor and is so positive about everything that’s happened to her. You can see Sean’s heart growing, especially as she tells the story of really starting her life with her adoptive family. Sean tears up and sheds a few tears. I love seeing a grown man like that get teary eyed, and you can see them having a real connection and not just a Bachelor connection. This is a grounded, smart, great woman. You hold onto her, Sean! You don’t let that get away! And he makes the first step by giving her the rose!
Super creepily the band sneaks up behind them and starts playing again. So naturally they dance and share some really good kisses where Sean once again uses too much tongue. I feel like I see his tongue a lot on this show.
Then the Rose Ceremony of thievery begins. It all starts when Dez steals Sean from Tierra and the fire of Hades (or The Hades, right Daniela?) ignites behind her eyes. Tierra then immediately steals him back and then all of the other girls feel that this is what they must do for time with Sean steal him they must steal Sean but how can each person steal Sean to get the most time when everyone gets no time because of all the stealing?! HUH?? LADIES?? SLOW DOWN AND LET’S THINK.
Somewhere in there Sean pulls Sarah to the front of the house and a limo pulls up. She practically has a seizure thinking he’s sending her home, but really her French bulldog Leo hops out. This is a sweet but decidedly odd gesture for him to ship in her dog for 15 minutes of play time. Like, did it fly in? Who flew it in? How long was the dog there? What’s going on with the logistics of this dog visit!?
Anyways Chris Harrison makes me want to gouge my eyes out and cut off my little recapping fingers because we’re down to just thirteen from sixteen when Sean sends home Taryn and Kristy the Ford Model at the ceremony. He also sends Kacie home essentially for being a crazy person, which he called her to her face, but respects her too much to make her go through all the rose ceremony bullsh.
To conclude, I hope we start traveling soon to make things interesting and start sending girls home left and right. Let’s get this show on the road, people! See you next week when Tierra gets even crazier!!!
