How Surprised Are You That Marquel Is Still Around? Not Just Because The Bachelor Is Usually...well.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

BREAKING: SPECIAL EARLY-EDITION OF HENLEY MONDAY DUE TO EARTH-SHATTERING AWESOMENESS OF CONTENT

You. Guys. I can't even. I CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T EVEN SO LET'S DO BULLET POINTS UNTIL I CAN MAKE REAL SENTENCES:

Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling, JC Chasez, and that black guy singing a classic 90s R&B slow jam

Mickey Mouse Club and Disney Channel allowing this to air

the pelvic thrust/hip gyration dance moves that are the only choreographed thing about this

Itty-bitty Britney Spears coming out at the end and saying "y'all" to us

The Gos is the weakest singer of the group but ASK ME IF I CARE

Wardrobe. Wardrobe gets an A++ for everthing, particularly for dressing them in clothing 6 to 8 times larger than their bodies and the beige, taupe, & cream color scheme

WARDROBE. FOR PUTTING A HENLEY ON RYAN. EFFING. GOSLING -PATRON SAINT OF HENLEYS (MAY HE EVER BE BLESSED AND HIS PECS ALWAYS BE STRONG)

We have video evidence of what is perhaps the genesis of Ryan Gosling's 20+ year love affair with what he has always known to be the single greatest piece of casual menswear ever stitched into existence.

#BLESSED

Henley Thursday -

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, everyone. It's a really good day to be alive because the first official trailer for CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER was released today and it is a doozy.

CAP. BLACK WIDOW. FURY. THE FALCON. NEW UNIFORM. ACTION. ROBERT REDFORD. JOKES! and of course THE WINTER SOLDIER!!!!

No sign of Batroc the Leaper yet, but with so much goodness placed before me, I can be a little more patient for his reveal.

And of course, because it's all about henleys after all. I present to you Chris Evans looking.......................pretty good, preh-tay gooooood.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone. I'm so hungover today I feel like I've been impregnated by a Dementor. I feel that close to a soulless, trance-like existence that is worse than death. Please accept this picture of repeat offender Chris Pine with his piercing blue eyes in a henley as payment for my soul back please.

I'll be over here in the dark with a cold compress and lots of tea.

I love you all.

Class dismissed.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone! I hope you're pulling through as best you can today. I'll keep it short and get straight to the henley point: How adorable is Martin Freeman here? Can you even handle it? I barely can.

He is every bit a classic, charming off-beat and insanely talented Brit who brings great joy to me in all his roles. He brings great joy to me here as well in such soothing blue tones with a cheeky little grin. Thanks for the pick-me-up Martin!

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

"Either I live or I die or I poop my pants"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HELLO!!! I may be two days late but I PROMISE not to be a dollar short. It’s been a bizarre week of my life, but I think things in Vietnam will prove to be even stranger. And we’ve also been promised some saucy pushing of the limits by some of the contestants to which I say: LET US SAUCE AWAY!

Juan Pablo is rightly stunned by the dynamic beauty of Vietnam. I think I know what you’re wondering though, “Will someone say ‘Good morning Vietnam’?”. YOU GUYS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. SOMEONE DOES. IT’S CLARE. Let’s be real for one second though: I would kill to be staying in that suite, in that hotel, in Vietnam. Tengo celos, my friends.

Renee gets the first one-on-Juan. Thank God. It’s been a long time coming for Renee who has quickly become not only a front-runner but a fan-favorite.  She is full-cylinders, gunning for a kiss today.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day and meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff,” Juan Pablo tells us about his excitement for the date with Renee today. I mean how magnificent is that run-on sentence?  Juan Pablo does get all serious for a second and say he really likes that Renee is also a single-parent and is the same age as him. At least the man has a tiny bit of sense.

Juan Pablo drives a pedi-cab over to a dress shop where they will have a tailor made dress fashioned for Renee out of beautiful silk. I mean wow. I want a tailor-made silk dress. Renee is so sweet and so kind. The two of them do have a very natural chemistry I have to say. They wander about the streets and eat fruits and buy their kids souvenirs and buy flowers. They are just very at ease together.  I don’t know, guys, maybe these two have a chance? I was worried she was going to be too platonic, but maybe not?

Night has fallen and the beautiful lights on the river are lit. Renee emerges in her custom dress of this rich purple and blue pattern. It’s beautiful.

“She looks good on those dress!” salivates Juan Pablo. Although not quite in the cartoon wolf way he salivates over say, a Kat or a Clare.

They talk about her ex-husband/baby-daddy at dinner. “I see her and I see myself,” admits Juan Pablo. I DON’T KNOW GUYS, HE SEEMS LIKE HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES HER. I feel like he has a more physical connection with some of the other women, but I think JuanPa knows, deep in his corazon, that Renee is a person he could be with as another human person.

Totes obvi Renee gets the rose. And then an amazing thing happens. They walk down to the river and they get to make a wish on tiny paper lanterns that they set afloat. Renee wishes for a kiss because she is like a dog with a bone with getting her lips on his lips. But no dice, Renee. Juan Pablo wants to be respectful of your son, so with you he’s taking things slow.

After that little aperitif, we move onto the meat and potatoes of the episode: the big group date. “Can you go with the flow?” reads the date card. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Ali, Danielle and Andi who is pissed about being on a group date once again, are all ready to explore. I really hope that it becomes a dissent into madness in the style of Hearts of Darkness. I would love to see Clare sitting on a bamboo throne professing her triumph over these mortal women a la Dennis Hopper. THE HORROR!

But enough of my fever jungle dreams! They are actually going boating in these adorable circular bamboo boats. Think of it as a semi-spherical canoe. They pair up ,and would you believe it? Clare elbows her way into being paired with Juan Pablo.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I love and cherish you. “Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when Juan Pablo says pair up, everyone has a friend…but Clare. For the first time in history having no friends works to your advantage.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S DOING MY JOB FOR ME!

Of course JP and Clare immediately get stuck and Juan Pablo steals a kiss. So, that seems inconsistent. I think his idea at this point is that he can kiss the women he’s already kissed as much as he wants, but no new women will be kissed. It’s a very exclusive club troubled by severely flawed logic. Your daughter won’t care how many women you kissed, but she will care WHICH women you kissed and how much and how many other women it was in front of.

And of course, all the women see him kiss Clare. The general consensus is that it is eight women are along for the ride of Clare and Juan Pablo’s one-on-one. Chelsie agrees by describing how romantic her morning with her friend Ali has been.

After shoring up, they wander onto a farm where they are each given a traditional straw hat (Yup, it’s that one you’re trying to make yourself not think of because you’re worried it’s racist – it’s that hat), and a knife and a basket. They are taken out into the fields where they are helping to pick the produce for their dinner.

Cassandra, bless her simple heart, looks hilarious in the hat and is telling us all about the farm and how everyone works together in one big community and that “I was telling the other girls that we should have this in America”. And I don’t know. It might be the hat, or her simple voice paired with a sweet smile, or the bizarre yet earnest intonation of her words, but I laugh about that, all alone on my couch, for a good thirty seconds.

Then Andi has a little temper tantrum on the commune and Juan Pablo sooths her WHILE WEARING THE HAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALL THESE GENUINE MOMENTS ARE HAPPENING IN THESE HATS.

After the day’s work, they sit down to a huge, beautiful feast. I mean it is traditional Vietnamese food cooked fresh from the field! I want that! The consensus continues to be that Clare is the worst.

“Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. And that’s Juan Pablo,” Kelly says. “And can we hate her for that?...Well I mean, we can.” KELLY YOU ARE AN AMAZING, SPECIAL FLOWER! DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!

At the cocktail party, everyone has exotic looking cocktails with what I swear is an entire Granny Smith apple carved on top. Clare gets pulled away first with Juan Pablo which sets the girls’ hackles on high. Everyone is like, “Welp, seems about right.”

Oh hey, Danielle is still there. Just a reminder because they don’t let her talk.

Juan Pablo now brings Clare up to see his suite. Why? Why? Why? ¿Por qué? They have solo swim time and are getting pretty handsy and kissy-kissy. Clare is nothing but completely proud of herself in all her interviews. I hate Clare -The end, by Cassie Niespo.

How long are they gone? They must be gone forever, but we don’t see the girls’ reaction on their return because we immediately see Sharleen’s alone time with Juan. They sit on the beach and cuddle.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears,” says Sharleen, which is a cute/weird take on the “bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” line from Funny Girl.

Andi is still questioning what’s happening between her and JP. She talks about it again with him during her time. They cuddle on the beach and end up making out. She really wants the rose and frankly, I think she deserves it.

Clare gets the date rose though because Juan Pablo is at least consistent in his horn-dog, sexually clouded judgement.

As the girls get back from their date, Clare decides she doesn’t want the night to end AND that she wants to swim in a warm ocean! I think that’s what we’re calling sex now! Swimming in a warm ocean! So she sneaks off back to JP’s suite, and he’s like, “Yeah let’s do it” because penis.

Clare describes the ocean as “waves of hot, warm bath water” which sounds so, so romantic: hot, warm bath water. They get pretty hot and heavy in the water and probably do some stuff under the water we don’t get to see. More on that later…

…Because now it’s time for potential mean-girl Nikki to get her one-on-Juan date! Nikki is wearing an impossibly stupid sparkly headband across her forehead. Can you imagine how irritating that would be when you’re sweating profusely in the jungles of Vietnam?

They walk through a beautiful, jungle mountain path. It’s amazing. And then they get to the surprise. And the surprise is yet another Fear Factor challenge. They are repelling down a giant hole in the ground into complete blackness to explore a cave. It’s so deep and so dark that they can’t see the bottom. Nikki is freaking out AND RIGHTLY SO. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TYPE THOSE WORDS RE: DATES ON THIS SHOW? WHY DO WE KEEP FRIGHTENING WOMEN INTO LOVE ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A STRAINED METAPHOR ABOUT LOVE AND TRUST AND RELATIONSHIPS???

“Either I live or I die or I poop my pants,” Nikki confesses. Yup. That about sums it up. I like her for that for about one minute until she makes another metaphor about falling and trust and love. SHOW DON’T TELL, NIKKI. Show don’t tell.

She has a genuinely difficult time going down the cave, so when they are stopped to catch their breath, Juan Pablo kisses her. And that, allegedly, gives her the strength to keep going. How splendid. His kisses are magical and medicinal.

Oh also I forgot to mention the cave is called “Hell”. How playful!

At night they have dinner in another tricked out cave. He touches her hair and her left ear a lot. They talk about how she is not a morning person and that it’s good to admit faults so you seem more realistic. Sure. True, true.

“Every day I’m helping people, but when I look back, I realize they are helping me too,” Nikki tells Juan Pablo in what I’m sure she thinks is an incredibly vulnerable and wise moment. I again laugh for an extended period of time.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony tonight is from another world of beauty. The women arrive by barge in their lovely dresses to a lantern lit oasis on the river. But things will not stay so Eden-esque forever. Three women are going home tonight, and you can see the tension in the room rise to threat level midnight© at the announcement.

As he sneaks each woman off one by one he gives us the run down on how and why he likes them. When it comes to Renee’s time, they talk about her son Ben and how he’s very mature for an 8 year old, and would “not be pissed” at Juan Pablo for kissing her. “So he wouldn’t be pissed at me” he says, and she says, “No! He wouldn’t be pissed at you!” And he KISSES HER. LIKE HE MEANS IT. It’s a good looking kiss, y’all. Renee is on cloud nine. She earned this. I just hope that he understands that their relationship is stronger for it and that kiss was way better because of delayed gratification (Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster know what I’m talking about).

And then, oh then, we move on to Clare and the Rising Regret of a Romp in the Raging Ocean. Juan Pablo confronts her and tries his best to express why he’s not feeling the best about their intimate time in the ocean the other night.

“I’m trying to be as fair as possible,” he keeps saying in an attempt to explain that he wants to give everyone equal time to build their relationships. Which, I guess, ok maybe.

“It’s not about fair. It’s about how you feel,” Clare fires back. But this is not the way to sooth JP.

She starts to cry and Juan Pablo tries to have her look at him and look him in the eyes so he tries to turn her head and then he cranes his neck to kind of peer through her hair as she cries.

“Don’t cry anymore, ok? Can you stop crying for me, please? Don’t be stupid. I’m telling you it’s ok. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.”

ALL THAT AND MORE HITS FROM THE TOP SELLING RECORDING ARTIST: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG HORRIBLE PARTNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!

Basically what it comes down to is that Juan Pablo would not want his daughter to see what happened between them in the ocean the other night. Again, fair. But also we really didn’t see that much so I feel like he regrets taking it to a place physically that we weren’t necessarily privy to. I don’t know, man! At least you didn’t skinny dip with the show’s greatest villain of all time BEN AND COURTNEY.

Clare feels awful because “all she wanted to do was swim in the ocean” and did not at all want to disrespect the relationship Juan Pablo has with his daughter. I also see her point. Do I like Clare very much? Not at all. Do I think Juan Pablo is slut-shaming her a little bit over virtually nothing? Yes. Not good on you, Juan Pablo. Bad form.

She runs off to a corner of the garden to cry more and he keeps insisting that she look at him. He wants her to delete the conversation from her memory.  “If he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it,” she weeps to camera. I mean, yes but also honey you knew you were using your feminine wiles to beguile him. But also no slut shaming? But they just SWAM IN THE OCEAN. WE ARE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL HERE. Clare ends by saying an ominous “I don’t know where we go from here.”

But we must inevitably come to the rose ceremony where three women will be sent home. Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses from the dates, then he calls out, in order: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and just to make her sweat buckets, he calls Andi last.

That means that Ali and Danielle are going home along with KELLY! THE DOG LOVER AND MY KINDRED SPIRIT! DEAR SWEET KELLY, YOU ALWAYS HAD SUCH AMAZING QUIPS AND SOUNDBYTES FOR US, AND YOUR “TIRED OF IT” EXPRESSION BROUGHT SUCH A LIGHT TO THE SHOW. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE, AND I PRAY THAT THEY RESURRECT BACHELOR PAD SOLELY TO GET MORE OF YOUR RAZOR WIT ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.

Juan Pablo and many of the women cry. It’s an emotional rose ceremony, to be sure. But everyone will have to raise their spirits because next week they are HIKING THE TRAIL TO MORDOR! THAT’S RIGHT! STRAIGHT TO MIDDLE EARTH ITSELF: NEW ZEALAND. LOTS OF CAPS!

So next week we will be posting at our regularly scheduled posting with all new sordid adventures. Are you ready for the number of LOTR/Hobbit jokes I’ll be making? Are you? If not, follow me over on @Chasspod to get acclimated, if you are, then still follow me @chasspod because lots of LOTR jokes happen there.

The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is the day we have been waiting for for months. It's here; the second half of the Bachelorette two part finale!!! Desiree has a lot on her plate tonight after the shattering of her heart last week when Brooks pulled out early. We have sweet weirdo and terrible bard Chris and handsome yet somewhat bland but equally sweet Drew. Will she chose one or neither or both or just fling herself into the waters or Antigua???

As per the tradition started at the finale of Sean's season of the Bachelor, I present to you my carefully curated rules to Desiree's Bachelorette Drinking Game. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can’t wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you’re underage, eat an m&m):

The word “journey" is used

The word “connection" is used

Someone refers to “the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says “picture the rest of my life", “spend the rest of my life", “could envision the rest of my life" or any other “rest of my life" phrases

Desiree does a voice over while she walks around somewhere

Desiree does a voice over while she stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Desiree dabs her under-eyes with her fingertips as she cries

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise", “fairytale", or “something out of a dream"

One of the guys balls up his fists in frustration

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Desiree

-If Brooks shocks us all out of our skins and RETURNS

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

What We Can Learn from Ewan McGregor's Instagram

It has very recently come to my attention that the great Ewan McGregor has an Instagram account that he uses with regularity. And it is a thing of beauty. Are you thinking, "Oh, I don't know. I like his movies, but do I really want to see his big celebrity life in photos?" The answer is YES YOU DO. Why? Because these are the things we have to learn from him.

Ewan loves motorcycles.

Ewan especially loves his vintage 1929 motorcycle.

Ewan loves his dog Sid Smith.

Ewan loves his "bonnie" Scotland home.

Like, a lot.

Sometimes he loves Scotland and his dog at the same time.

Ewan wore a kilt to receive his OBE.

Ewan has an intricate half-sleeve tattoo that was done by Kat Von D.

Ewan really, really, really loves Sid Smith and misses him whenever they are twain. Going so far as to dedicate pictures to him. 

EWAN IS INCREDIBLY HANDSOME, BUT THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER.

And for even more great Ewan pics just follow him on Instagram already!

The Bachelorette - The Finale Recap

   It is finally here. The moment we have been eagerly awaiting for almost three months. Emily Maynard’s final decision and the start of the rest of her life of happiness! When we began our journey back in May, I had no prior knowledge of Ms. Maynard, and was fully prepared to be rooting against her and disliking her entirely. But, over the course of her jouner (ding-ding-ding! Bachelore trademark word!), she has completely won me over. All I want is for her and Ricki to have a happy life and complete family and so many freaking babies.

So let’s kick off! Finally we begin an episode with ZERO montages from the season before. But…we do start with Chris Harrison opening his arms to welcome us to a live studio audience which will watch alongside the rest of America. “The studio audience here is on the edge of their seats!” and the crowd goes WILD! After the Final Rose will also be live because we need to the minute updates on the lives of these three (four counting Ricki) people.

        We are still in Curacao, but now Ricki is here! And the Maynard girls are staying in a regular MANSE with a huge pool with a bridge over it and a private beach. Sheesh. They have all the luck. Emily is really worried about this choice she has to make. She needs “an exceptional man, who will be a great husband and a great dad” truth lady. Truth.

To help her make this decision, we meet Emily’s family who are staying in another manse on the island. Jef is first up to meet the family and he brings flowers for the mom and sister-in-law.

Emily’s mom, dad, brother, and future sister-in-law all sit down for what will be a very intense luncheon. They have good energy even though I’m sure everyone is super nervous and uncomfortable. Mom-Susie pulls Jef aside for a heart-to-heart, and they have just a really sweet and nice conversation. Jef is honest as always with Susie’s hard hitting questions about his intentions and readiness to be a dad.

     HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE SEE THEM ACTUALLY EATING FOOD. Brother-Ernie has a half eaten Sammie in his hand, Jef is chewing, everything is ok! They have nutrition! Praise the harvest gods of Curacao!

The producers want us to believe that Ernie is going to be all mean and protective of his sister, but he’s a Maynard, so he’s protective in a kind and gentlemanly way. He and Jef chat about true love and if Jef really has a special enough connection (ding-ding-ding!) with her. Jef says “She had love, like, ripped from her. She knows what it feels like, and when she feels it again, she’ll know…And I’ve never been so in love with a girl.” Which…Jef. Oh, Jef. So sweet and beautiful. Ernie and Jef bro-hug it out.

                Now it’s time for Jef and Dad-David to discuss the exact same thing as with every other family member. So we’ll skip that, but Jef asks for his blessing to ask Emily’s hand in marriage. He gives it readily! Thanks, Daddy-David.

Jef feels that the day could not have gone better, but the final step will be for him to meet Ricki. But will she let him?!

After an unneeded interlude from Chrarrison where he says, “First things first, let’s find out!” which doesn’t entirely make sense. I mean, it does, but also, I don’t think it’s exactly accurate? Whatever, it’s Arie-time!

     Arie, in his never ending attempts to make me literally drool over him, wears yet another henley. They all sit down, and it’s soooooooo awkward. He tries to bond with her dad and brother about fishing, and fails. And he goes, “When I’m nervous, I talk a lot!” and he talked…a lot, at least that’s what the producers are having us believe.

I did notice that he didn’t bring flowers or any kind of gift, until he brings out the gift. He bought a box in a Curacao tourist joint and put every rose that Emily’s ever given him into the box. That is so heartfelt and thoughtful and sweet. It’s like he put his heart in a box like Davy Jones only less tragic and literal and kelp-y. “Each of them symbolize this journey [ding-ding-ding!] and adventure,” he says. Mom-Susie is smitten that he would give away something so precious to him.

Mom-susie and Arie have a lovely chat where Arie says, “I just want her to believe in us because I do.” SWOON, GUYS, SWOON. And I think Mom-Susie might be confusing her role in this because she says “I’m blown away. I really thought this would be easy today because of my feelings for Jef…but I just love them both.” Cool it, Mom-Susie. These men are not for you and your feelings.

         Next in succession is Ernie with his discerning eye who kind of accuses Arie of being slick. But Arie geeks out over his love from Emily and the smile broadens on Ernie’s face because love makes you dorky and even a sexy-ass racecar driver gets dorky in love. Ernie, too, is confused about what he should tell Emily as to her choice.

Now Daddy-David and Arie talk, and it’s all rainbows. We can kind of hear the live-studio-audience laughing where there is a dramatic pause after Arie asks for her hand in marriage. This is unnecessary. If there’s one thing the Bachelorette sorely does not need, it’s a laugh-track.

I am not a huge fan of the maxi-dress Emily is wearing today. It appears to be Missoni, but I’m not sure. The top is kind of strange and unflattering and the colors are garish in a not nice way. Anyways, when she sits down with the family to discuss their decision, they can’t give a straight answer. They both seem like real nice “fellas” and she is so ticked that they can’t tell her with whom they have a stronger connection (ding-ding-ding!).

     Mom-susie gives her good advice about needing to fit the guy into Emily and Ricki’s life rather than fit Ricki in Emily and Man’s life. She tells Emily to wait on any kind of engagement until they can figure out what life is really like together.  Emily is confused and sad but mostly confused.

This is the final date with Jef! We see Emily and Ricki being so cute to start it off, they eat breakfast and feed toast crusts to the birds. And then we skip right to Emily and Jef alone on a secluded beach. This date seems so natural and real. There is nothing special going on, so the conversation is just like that between two regular people in love.

     Jef really wants to meet Ricki. He is trying to be gentle about saying, “I freaking NEED to meet this kid!” by skirting that he loves kids and wants a family and that Emily is everything he’s ever wanted. Emily is understandably hesitant because she still carries a guilty conscience that she introduced Brad to Ricki and then it didn’t work out.

Jef tries to show her his perspective, and after a long pause, Emily decides that Jef shall meet Ricki! This is HUGE. HUGE, Y’ALL. I also can’t wait because the cuteness factor is gonna be through the roof.

    To make Ricki the most comfortable, they go to the house they’ve been staying in. They peer through the slatted doors at her playing in the pool. “That’s her!” Emily whispers to Jef’s lighted face. Then they meet and I temporarily loose feeling in my brain because Ricki is all giggling and showing Jef the tricks she can do in the pool. They bond instantly and she wants Jef to play in the pool too. He straps on a pair of matching pink goggles to Ricki’s, and they frolic about in the pool and my brain is dead because he’s so good with kids!

    Jef is so taken with her and loved every second of the fun they had. They feed the iguanas and play with hermit crabs and Ricki shows him all her stuffed animals. I can’t even handle it. Club can’t even handle me right now. Emily, Jef, and I are all in agreement that the day could not have gone better and was a really good decision.

     Now it’s “dinner” time, and I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to catch them ingesting actual comestibles again. Emily tells Jef the best thing he could ever want to hear that Ricki asked if Jef could come back tomorrow to play. SO CUTE. They are all giggling while kissing and just talking.  

Jef presents her with a book about Curacao which at first blush is kind of lame, but then they open it and Jef has drawn stick figures of them all over the book. She laughs with delight. They are comfortable and easy together. He utters the famed phrase, “I just want to hold her hand until I’m 110.” The best.

Thunder cracks and lightning streaks the sky as Jef says the hardest good-bye of his life to Emily. It’s got to be hard to be so in love with someone, and not sure if you can really be with that person.

Now we’re back in the studio and Chrarrison desperately fills time by asking random audience members what makes Jef special and what they think about Emily being a single mom. Boring. Dumb. Come on! Get to the good-stuff!

   Back at the manse, we hear a knock on the door. Emily is wearing the outfit from the previews where she is having a breakdown. What’s going on!? She has a sense of peace about what she needs to do. She needs the fatherly advice of the sagacious Chris Harrison. They discuss bits and pieces about the guys and Ricki until finally she comes right out and says that Jef is her guy. She’s made up her mind that he is “everything she’s been looking for.” That is so sweet and great, but poor Arie. Oh, no. Poor, poor Arie. But Jef! She’s picking the Elvin King!

Chrarrison is genuinely happy for her, but levels with her about what to do about Arie. She knows she can’t sit through the entire date with Arie without crying and being a wreck. Emily doesn’t know how to even start the conversation that for as much as she loves Arie, she fell in love with someone a little bit more. The best piece of advice is for her to be as honest with Arie as she was with Chrarrison. Let’s hope she can follow through so as to spare some of the hurt and heartbreak.

She’s a wreck and pretty much can’t stop crying. I don’t blame her because she has to rip this guy’s heart in two.

Then we break to unsuspecting Arie at a botanical garden who learns how to make a love potion. He’s so excited and having fun and I just want to protect him. The fact that they’re making a love potion is so cruel. Oh,  the dramatic irony!

Emily is still crying as she approaches Arie at the gardens. By a miracle, she manages to pull it together enough that he can’t tell she’s been weeping all morning. The tone of voice and way she’s treating him is how she treats and talks to Ricki. She is in default mom-mode of trying to care for him. And then they sit down and she loses it. He’s being so good and comforting to her and asking what’s wrong.

     And then he realizes. You see the light behind his eyes die as he figures out that she’s dumping him. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He is the saddest panda in the whole world. She thought it was gonna be them all the way to the end. He is holding back the tears and she is openly weeping. This is rough. This is rough stuff. She barely manages to get out that she just has “more confidence in Jef” and that she meant all the things she ever said to Arie, but it’s hard.

He kisses her on the cheek and goes. “Good luck. I don’t know what else to say,” he manages. And it’s fine that he’s a little angry, but hugs her so hard that we can hear his heart beat on his body mic. It’s racing. That’s sad. His heart is racing because it’s breaking apart. He can barely get into the car with all the equipment, and leave Emily a sobbing mess. This is hard to watch, y’all.

The mood in the studio is somber, everyone’s face is drawn, and one woman wipes away a faux tear. Chris brings us back though as we talk with some former cast members. It’s Ashley and J.P.! They are so cute and in love! Ashley is so lovely and adorable, and J.P. is the epitome of man and charm. We talk to Deanna who commends Emily for sparing Arie the embarrassment of the engagement and not introducing him to Ricki. Then we talk to Bachelor family favorite Michael Stagliano! He has the same nice things to say that it’s really hard to be dumped on TV and that Arie will be just fine. Then the lady herself, Ashley Spivey, comes up in a SKIN TIGHT slamming dress. Sheesh, girl. She is happy for Emily.

     Now it’s all happiness and love back in Curacao. Emily is getting ready for her big day with Ricki who is wearing her super freaking cool fanny pack. Jef meets with resident creepy ring maker, Neil Lane, to pick out his engagement ring. He picks a good one, too. Jef can’t wait to be the best dad and best husband ever, even though he doesn’t know he’s the only guy left!

Emily’s dress is an earthen red clay color, all gossamer and wispy on the bottom, and heavily beaded up top. Very Amazon warrior-esque. I didn’t think I’d like it from the hanger, but she looks beautiful in it, and it moves like a dream. The only thing less than perfect is that I think her little podium of love might be set up right where she dumped Sean and had that sad conversation with him. Maybe not, but still, yeesh.

     The music is swelling, they are so excited! Jef WILL propose! Emily doesn’t know if she’ll say yes! And then he’s there. Jef, in his gorgeously, perfectly tailored navy blue suit with a tiny tie and POCKET SQUARE, is left by Chris Harrison at the gates to love. His smile is wide and his hair is high as he takes a moment to compose himself before approaching Emily.

Oops, y’all, I’m crying. Because Emily can tell him that the whole journey (ding-ding-ding!) was worth it because it brought her to him, her soul-mate. She can finally say that she loves him! So, so much! And she gets to tell him he’s the only one who met Ricki and the only one there today. It’s the best thing he’s ever heard.

     Then he takes her hands and starts being his eloquent self in telling her how much he loves her.  And that “it’s so rare that you find the person you’re meant to be with.” And I’m crying more. And he says, “I think God puts the right people in our lives, when the time is just right. And I feel like that with us.” And the tears are flowing. “I promise that if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, that you will never feel lonely again,” he earnestly professes. So earnest. Earnest Jef.

So he gets down on one knee, and shows the cameras the Neil Lane ring box, and asks Emily to marry him. After a pregnant pause, she smiles and says, “yes!” OUR GIRL DID IT! SHE’S ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER AND HIM AND RICKI.

    And then to break my happiness they montage their relationship to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera because why the eff not to Peter Cetera the epitome of relevance? It’s so lame that I think it might be self-aware at how cheesy it is. Especially at the part when the lyrics are “like a knight in shining armor” and it shows Jef in his kilt shooting a bow and arrow. I’m laughing away my tears now because it’s so dumb happy.

The final image is of Ricki holding Emily’s hand and Emily holding Jef’s hand as they walk away toward their life of happiness together. What a perfectly sweet way to end this journey (DING-DING-DING!!!).

   That brings us to the end of the official episodes of this dramatic season of the Bachelorette. Thank you so much for coming along and reading all the antics of these crazy, wonderful people with me. I really feel confident in our connection, y’all, so I know when the next lucky Bachelor (please God let it be Sean or Arie) comes along, you’ll be right here with me.

Peace and love, Journeyers, peace and love.

Sexy Halloween Costumes: Men's Edition

   It's that time of year again, y'all. Halloween costume anxiety season. There is much ado about what to go as, whether it be topical, witty, scary, or the current favorite amongst women of all ages, "slutty". For women there are "sexy" versions of Halloween costumes for everything from Big Bird to an ear of corn, while the men are left hung out to dry.

No longer. For your benefit, gents, I've put together a list of Halloween costume ideas that are the male-equivalent of "sexy" - Costumes we ladies would be amped to see and you would enjoy sporting (MEN- you may be surprised at the absence of a single beer-related costume) ---

Star Wars X-wing Fighter Pilot - You love Star Wars; we love Star Wars. Pretty much the only cool-looking iteration of a Star Wars character is the Fighter Pilots, and plus, wearing the Jedi Robes pretty much ensures you'll be mistaken for Jesus or Moses or other decidedly un-sexy biblical figures all night.

Top Gun - Maverick and Goose are ueber-dudes (volleyball scene excluded), so it works to the top of your manliness and right to the ladies' love of a flight suit covered in patches and good pair of aviators.

Robin Hood - Archery is really having a moment this year, so play to the strengths of the times. Robin Hood is heroic in a very "stick it the 1%" kind of way and has always had great swagger. Extra props if you go as the sexiest film Robin Hood - the fox from Disney's animated version.

The Brawny Man - Not only is this costume cheap, it's also clever and awesome. You wear a henley (I advocate any costume choice that involves henleys), a plaid shirt (also great), blue jeans, and carry an axe and a roll of paper towels. Boom. Sexy.

Dr. Henry Walton aka Indiana Jones - I think probably a lot of men go as action-hero Indy, but I would urge you to take the subtler, more intellectual route and go as his professorial self. Do the whole professor-bowtie-tweed-glasses look and carry a bull whip for good measure and extra self-defense. Everybody loves a sexy professor with a bull whip...I think.

Young Teddy Roosevelt - One time Teddy Roosevelt got shot in the chest, then gave a ninety minute speech, THEN went to the hospital. He was practically a superhero. And he liked to wear khaki and pith helmets, so you can be the first of the progressive presidents, a total badass, and an environmentalist. He covers a lot of demographic appeal. Full push-broom mustache a must.

GROUP COSTUMES:

The Beatles - Do Abbey Road, or the Ed Sullivan show suits, or black turtlenecks, or just embody the essence of each Beatle. Do not, I repeat, do NOT do Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. This is colorful and fun and a great album cover - this is NOT a sexy Halloween group costume.

The Princess Bride - Westley would be a great, romantic single costume, but why not have more fun and bring along Inigo Montoya with his rapier and Fessik with some peanuts, and even Humperdink to be a dastardly devil.

Sexy Founding Fathers - Comedy gold and and historically relevant. Look, it's an election year, so you can bet your bippy that there will be more than a few Obamas, Romneys, Ryans, and hell, even Bidens. But what you'd never expect is a group of our nation's founding father's in various states of late 18th century undress. Roll up your khaki pants, hike up your white tube socks, wear some dress shoes and slap on a thermal or (duh) a thermal henley. Boom. Slutty, slutty Andrew Jackson. 

   That wraps up this (FREE - these are free) list of some great sexy male costume ideas for this All Hallows Eve. Let me know how these work out, and happy trick-or-treating, gentlemen.