The Bachelorette - Episode 3 Recap

The Bachelorette - The Finale Recap

   It is finally here. The moment we have been eagerly awaiting for almost three months. Emily Maynard’s final decision and the start of the rest of her life of happiness! When we began our journey back in May, I had no prior knowledge of Ms. Maynard, and was fully prepared to be rooting against her and disliking her entirely. But, over the course of her jouner (ding-ding-ding! Bachelore trademark word!), she has completely won me over. All I want is for her and Ricki to have a happy life and complete family and so many freaking babies.

So let’s kick off! Finally we begin an episode with ZERO montages from the season before. But…we do start with Chris Harrison opening his arms to welcome us to a live studio audience which will watch alongside the rest of America. “The studio audience here is on the edge of their seats!” and the crowd goes WILD! After the Final Rose will also be live because we need to the minute updates on the lives of these three (four counting Ricki) people.

        We are still in Curacao, but now Ricki is here! And the Maynard girls are staying in a regular MANSE with a huge pool with a bridge over it and a private beach. Sheesh. They have all the luck. Emily is really worried about this choice she has to make. She needs “an exceptional man, who will be a great husband and a great dad” truth lady. Truth.

To help her make this decision, we meet Emily’s family who are staying in another manse on the island. Jef is first up to meet the family and he brings flowers for the mom and sister-in-law.

Emily’s mom, dad, brother, and future sister-in-law all sit down for what will be a very intense luncheon. They have good energy even though I’m sure everyone is super nervous and uncomfortable. Mom-Susie pulls Jef aside for a heart-to-heart, and they have just a really sweet and nice conversation. Jef is honest as always with Susie’s hard hitting questions about his intentions and readiness to be a dad.

     HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE SEE THEM ACTUALLY EATING FOOD. Brother-Ernie has a half eaten Sammie in his hand, Jef is chewing, everything is ok! They have nutrition! Praise the harvest gods of Curacao!

The producers want us to believe that Ernie is going to be all mean and protective of his sister, but he’s a Maynard, so he’s protective in a kind and gentlemanly way. He and Jef chat about true love and if Jef really has a special enough connection (ding-ding-ding!) with her. Jef says “She had love, like, ripped from her. She knows what it feels like, and when she feels it again, she’ll know…And I’ve never been so in love with a girl.” Which…Jef. Oh, Jef. So sweet and beautiful. Ernie and Jef bro-hug it out.

                Now it’s time for Jef and Dad-David to discuss the exact same thing as with every other family member. So we’ll skip that, but Jef asks for his blessing to ask Emily’s hand in marriage. He gives it readily! Thanks, Daddy-David.

Jef feels that the day could not have gone better, but the final step will be for him to meet Ricki. But will she let him?!

After an unneeded interlude from Chrarrison where he says, “First things first, let’s find out!” which doesn’t entirely make sense. I mean, it does, but also, I don’t think it’s exactly accurate? Whatever, it’s Arie-time!

     Arie, in his never ending attempts to make me literally drool over him, wears yet another henley. They all sit down, and it’s soooooooo awkward. He tries to bond with her dad and brother about fishing, and fails. And he goes, “When I’m nervous, I talk a lot!” and he talked…a lot, at least that’s what the producers are having us believe.

I did notice that he didn’t bring flowers or any kind of gift, until he brings out the gift. He bought a box in a Curacao tourist joint and put every rose that Emily’s ever given him into the box. That is so heartfelt and thoughtful and sweet. It’s like he put his heart in a box like Davy Jones only less tragic and literal and kelp-y. “Each of them symbolize this journey [ding-ding-ding!] and adventure,” he says. Mom-Susie is smitten that he would give away something so precious to him.

Mom-susie and Arie have a lovely chat where Arie says, “I just want her to believe in us because I do.” SWOON, GUYS, SWOON. And I think Mom-Susie might be confusing her role in this because she says “I’m blown away. I really thought this would be easy today because of my feelings for Jef…but I just love them both.” Cool it, Mom-Susie. These men are not for you and your feelings.

         Next in succession is Ernie with his discerning eye who kind of accuses Arie of being slick. But Arie geeks out over his love from Emily and the smile broadens on Ernie’s face because love makes you dorky and even a sexy-ass racecar driver gets dorky in love. Ernie, too, is confused about what he should tell Emily as to her choice.

Now Daddy-David and Arie talk, and it’s all rainbows. We can kind of hear the live-studio-audience laughing where there is a dramatic pause after Arie asks for her hand in marriage. This is unnecessary. If there’s one thing the Bachelorette sorely does not need, it’s a laugh-track.

I am not a huge fan of the maxi-dress Emily is wearing today. It appears to be Missoni, but I’m not sure. The top is kind of strange and unflattering and the colors are garish in a not nice way. Anyways, when she sits down with the family to discuss their decision, they can’t give a straight answer. They both seem like real nice “fellas” and she is so ticked that they can’t tell her with whom they have a stronger connection (ding-ding-ding!).

     Mom-susie gives her good advice about needing to fit the guy into Emily and Ricki’s life rather than fit Ricki in Emily and Man’s life. She tells Emily to wait on any kind of engagement until they can figure out what life is really like together.  Emily is confused and sad but mostly confused.

This is the final date with Jef! We see Emily and Ricki being so cute to start it off, they eat breakfast and feed toast crusts to the birds. And then we skip right to Emily and Jef alone on a secluded beach. This date seems so natural and real. There is nothing special going on, so the conversation is just like that between two regular people in love.

     Jef really wants to meet Ricki. He is trying to be gentle about saying, “I freaking NEED to meet this kid!” by skirting that he loves kids and wants a family and that Emily is everything he’s ever wanted. Emily is understandably hesitant because she still carries a guilty conscience that she introduced Brad to Ricki and then it didn’t work out.

Jef tries to show her his perspective, and after a long pause, Emily decides that Jef shall meet Ricki! This is HUGE. HUGE, Y’ALL. I also can’t wait because the cuteness factor is gonna be through the roof.

    To make Ricki the most comfortable, they go to the house they’ve been staying in. They peer through the slatted doors at her playing in the pool. “That’s her!” Emily whispers to Jef’s lighted face. Then they meet and I temporarily loose feeling in my brain because Ricki is all giggling and showing Jef the tricks she can do in the pool. They bond instantly and she wants Jef to play in the pool too. He straps on a pair of matching pink goggles to Ricki’s, and they frolic about in the pool and my brain is dead because he’s so good with kids!

    Jef is so taken with her and loved every second of the fun they had. They feed the iguanas and play with hermit crabs and Ricki shows him all her stuffed animals. I can’t even handle it. Club can’t even handle me right now. Emily, Jef, and I are all in agreement that the day could not have gone better and was a really good decision.

     Now it’s “dinner” time, and I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to catch them ingesting actual comestibles again. Emily tells Jef the best thing he could ever want to hear that Ricki asked if Jef could come back tomorrow to play. SO CUTE. They are all giggling while kissing and just talking.  

Jef presents her with a book about Curacao which at first blush is kind of lame, but then they open it and Jef has drawn stick figures of them all over the book. She laughs with delight. They are comfortable and easy together. He utters the famed phrase, “I just want to hold her hand until I’m 110.” The best.

Thunder cracks and lightning streaks the sky as Jef says the hardest good-bye of his life to Emily. It’s got to be hard to be so in love with someone, and not sure if you can really be with that person.

Now we’re back in the studio and Chrarrison desperately fills time by asking random audience members what makes Jef special and what they think about Emily being a single mom. Boring. Dumb. Come on! Get to the good-stuff!

   Back at the manse, we hear a knock on the door. Emily is wearing the outfit from the previews where she is having a breakdown. What’s going on!? She has a sense of peace about what she needs to do. She needs the fatherly advice of the sagacious Chris Harrison. They discuss bits and pieces about the guys and Ricki until finally she comes right out and says that Jef is her guy. She’s made up her mind that he is “everything she’s been looking for.” That is so sweet and great, but poor Arie. Oh, no. Poor, poor Arie. But Jef! She’s picking the Elvin King!

Chrarrison is genuinely happy for her, but levels with her about what to do about Arie. She knows she can’t sit through the entire date with Arie without crying and being a wreck. Emily doesn’t know how to even start the conversation that for as much as she loves Arie, she fell in love with someone a little bit more. The best piece of advice is for her to be as honest with Arie as she was with Chrarrison. Let’s hope she can follow through so as to spare some of the hurt and heartbreak.

She’s a wreck and pretty much can’t stop crying. I don’t blame her because she has to rip this guy’s heart in two.

Then we break to unsuspecting Arie at a botanical garden who learns how to make a love potion. He’s so excited and having fun and I just want to protect him. The fact that they’re making a love potion is so cruel. Oh,  the dramatic irony!

Emily is still crying as she approaches Arie at the gardens. By a miracle, she manages to pull it together enough that he can’t tell she’s been weeping all morning. The tone of voice and way she’s treating him is how she treats and talks to Ricki. She is in default mom-mode of trying to care for him. And then they sit down and she loses it. He’s being so good and comforting to her and asking what’s wrong.

     And then he realizes. You see the light behind his eyes die as he figures out that she’s dumping him. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He is the saddest panda in the whole world. She thought it was gonna be them all the way to the end. He is holding back the tears and she is openly weeping. This is rough. This is rough stuff. She barely manages to get out that she just has “more confidence in Jef” and that she meant all the things she ever said to Arie, but it’s hard.

He kisses her on the cheek and goes. “Good luck. I don’t know what else to say,” he manages. And it’s fine that he’s a little angry, but hugs her so hard that we can hear his heart beat on his body mic. It’s racing. That’s sad. His heart is racing because it’s breaking apart. He can barely get into the car with all the equipment, and leave Emily a sobbing mess. This is hard to watch, y’all.

The mood in the studio is somber, everyone’s face is drawn, and one woman wipes away a faux tear. Chris brings us back though as we talk with some former cast members. It’s Ashley and J.P.! They are so cute and in love! Ashley is so lovely and adorable, and J.P. is the epitome of man and charm. We talk to Deanna who commends Emily for sparing Arie the embarrassment of the engagement and not introducing him to Ricki. Then we talk to Bachelor family favorite Michael Stagliano! He has the same nice things to say that it’s really hard to be dumped on TV and that Arie will be just fine. Then the lady herself, Ashley Spivey, comes up in a SKIN TIGHT slamming dress. Sheesh, girl. She is happy for Emily.

     Now it’s all happiness and love back in Curacao. Emily is getting ready for her big day with Ricki who is wearing her super freaking cool fanny pack. Jef meets with resident creepy ring maker, Neil Lane, to pick out his engagement ring. He picks a good one, too. Jef can’t wait to be the best dad and best husband ever, even though he doesn’t know he’s the only guy left!

Emily’s dress is an earthen red clay color, all gossamer and wispy on the bottom, and heavily beaded up top. Very Amazon warrior-esque. I didn’t think I’d like it from the hanger, but she looks beautiful in it, and it moves like a dream. The only thing less than perfect is that I think her little podium of love might be set up right where she dumped Sean and had that sad conversation with him. Maybe not, but still, yeesh.

     The music is swelling, they are so excited! Jef WILL propose! Emily doesn’t know if she’ll say yes! And then he’s there. Jef, in his gorgeously, perfectly tailored navy blue suit with a tiny tie and POCKET SQUARE, is left by Chris Harrison at the gates to love. His smile is wide and his hair is high as he takes a moment to compose himself before approaching Emily.

Oops, y’all, I’m crying. Because Emily can tell him that the whole journey (ding-ding-ding!) was worth it because it brought her to him, her soul-mate. She can finally say that she loves him! So, so much! And she gets to tell him he’s the only one who met Ricki and the only one there today. It’s the best thing he’s ever heard.

     Then he takes her hands and starts being his eloquent self in telling her how much he loves her.  And that “it’s so rare that you find the person you’re meant to be with.” And I’m crying more. And he says, “I think God puts the right people in our lives, when the time is just right. And I feel like that with us.” And the tears are flowing. “I promise that if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, that you will never feel lonely again,” he earnestly professes. So earnest. Earnest Jef.

So he gets down on one knee, and shows the cameras the Neil Lane ring box, and asks Emily to marry him. After a pregnant pause, she smiles and says, “yes!” OUR GIRL DID IT! SHE’S ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER AND HIM AND RICKI.

    And then to break my happiness they montage their relationship to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera because why the eff not to Peter Cetera the epitome of relevance? It’s so lame that I think it might be self-aware at how cheesy it is. Especially at the part when the lyrics are “like a knight in shining armor” and it shows Jef in his kilt shooting a bow and arrow. I’m laughing away my tears now because it’s so dumb happy.

The final image is of Ricki holding Emily’s hand and Emily holding Jef’s hand as they walk away toward their life of happiness together. What a perfectly sweet way to end this journey (DING-DING-DING!!!).

   That brings us to the end of the official episodes of this dramatic season of the Bachelorette. Thank you so much for coming along and reading all the antics of these crazy, wonderful people with me. I really feel confident in our connection, y’all, so I know when the next lucky Bachelor (please God let it be Sean or Arie) comes along, you’ll be right here with me.

Peace and love, Journeyers, peace and love.

Henley Monday - 

I really, sincerely hate April Fool's Day. I have never enjoyed practical jokes because they inevitably lead to somebody or somebody's THINGS getting hurt, and it also feels like International Everybody Thinks They Are a Terrific Comedian I'm So Funny LOL JOKES, RIGHT GUYS? Day. I hate it.

My feelings towards it and any and all participants thereof match David Beckham's face exactly. "Oh, but you so recently gave us Becks!" you might say. Yes, but you can never have too much David Beckham in a henley PLUS his hatred for this day is clearly written upon his furrowed brow.

Solidarity, Becks.

Henley Monday -

You guys, I barely knew what day it was all day long. Thanksgiving was great; it gave me a break but then I went back to work and then I worked a different job on my days off and I have been waking up before noon regularly which is rare and basically I'm just confused 90% of my waking life right now.

The only thing I'm not confused about is how great good old Josh Hartnett looks in this henley. He is literally smoldering in it. I had even forgotten about our friend Josh and his dark brooding eyes beneath a weathered brow. His look holds up where his career may not.

Ah to be that rose...

Josh it's ok! Don't get all introspective and self-loathing! We love you for exactly who you were to us in our formative teen years.

PS - Thanks for only getting better with age.

Henley Monday - 

Welcome to fall! The wind's turning chilly, and we're all wearing sweaters full time! JUST KIDDING IT'S A MILLION DEGREES EVERYWHERE AND WE'LL NEVER BE A COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE AGAIN.

But Fall is coming as it must. It has to. It's the law. Science. Michael Fassbender is going to help me get by until that point though in this cotton knit henley under a suede jacket. He is so weathered and rugged he looks like one of those Dust Bowl photos only beautiful in a less depressing way.

I'm pretty sure Cassandra's lipstick was "Rebel" by MAC.

You win all the prizes! I guess I know where I'm headed first thing tomorrow.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

This season has flown by. I might say that every season, butit feels truer than ever here with Chris. Perhaps it’s because he’s so boringor because the women aren’t really that into him or because they didn’t goabroad and the dates were really boring. It could be a combination of all those factors resulting one dramatic, yet simultaneously, uneventful season.

For all the sound a fury signifying nothing it took to get us here, we’re at the Fantasy Suite dates already. The show has finally sprung for a trip overseas, and we find our remaining three ladies and Farmer Chris in beautiful Bali. Chris says it’s very far away from Iowa, and I’d have to agree here. Indonesia and Iowa are very far apart on the globe.

Kaitlyn is up first for her date. They start by going into a temple and are taught some traditional ceremonies by a group of women in the most beautifully colored clothing. After the temple, they walk around the streets and drink a beer, have fun with the locals. Chris loves that Kaitlyn is at ease everywhere and always seems to have fun in any situation.

Cut to the two of them walking into a monkey “sanctuary” (I use that word VERY lightly), where they are giving tiny bananas to feed to the dozens of monkeys all around. Chris gets pounced on immediately by several monkeys vying for his banana, and I can’t help but see that as a beautiful metaphor for this whole process.

“I really like to think I’m this tough person who can handle whatever comes my way, but not if it’s a monkey,” quips Kaitlyn. She’s having a rough go of it here at Monkey Sanctuary. The humidity of a tropical climate is not agreeing with her hair. She even makes a pained metaphor for how the monkeys fear for nothing in going after what they want (thanks to their habitat being destroyed and becoming dependent on human tourists for food), and she wishes she could be like that too. Ugh, Kaitlyn, I thought I could at least count on you to make the same penis joke I made, but alas, this show has gotten to you.

After making out in front of some cool trees, Kaitlyn regales Chris with how much her whole family loved him. Kaitlyn is trying to open up as much as possible because she doesn’t want Chris to worry that she has a guard up.

As we transition into the dinner portion of the date, we finally get our first shot of a stray cat this season! Those producers must have been dying being trapped in the States where we just don’t have as many stray animals to add humor to establishing shots.

At dinner Chris asks why Kaitlyn feels she has a guard up. Would you look at that? She does her best to answer him truthfully that it’s hard to feel so vulnerable in this situation. They blather on about vulnerability and “putting yourself out there” for a few more minutes before finally getting to the Fantasy Suite card.

She accepts it immediately. Chris agrees that they “deserve” it. Do they? I guess they do. I think the sexual chemistry between these two is undeniable, but I am still unsure as to whether their “emotional connection” can withstand the desolate wrath of Arlington, Iowa.

The producers get the money shot when Kaitlyn finally gets the words out that she is “falling in love” with Chris! Oh the relief on their faces. However, Chris counters that statement by telling Kaitlyn that HE TOO is falling in love with her! Now. THIS IS HUGE. I was under the impression that he is contractually obligated NOT to say anything like that to the women until his final rose. That’s why it’s always such a big deal that everybody feels insecure and doesn’t know where they stand at the end because they’ve said, “I love you,” and heard nothing in return. This could be a source of drama down the road, especially if he doesn’t end up choosing Kaitlyn.

Next up on the Fantasy Dates is Whitney. Whitney is a few steps ahead of Kaitlyn as she has already revealed that she is straight up in love with Chris. They meet to have their date on a boat. I love this. I’m never jealous of helicopter rides or private concerts from C list country stars, but I am always, always jealous of private boat rides in a tropical locale. Hell, I’d settle for a boat ride on the Missouri River. I just love boats. So tuck that little nugget away in your mental file folder of Stuff Cassie Loves.

They set sail on the Indian Ocean in a truly majestic sail boat to talk about love and their feelings. Whitney hopes to address and smooth over the fact that her sister did not give her “full” blessing for her hand in marriage. Whitney is also very calm, cool, and collected about her feelings.

“I’ve never felt so ready or sure about anything in my whole life,” she says. She’s also rocking quite the tan. Bali has been good to her.

When the subject of her sister comes up, Whitney does a wonderful job explaining how Kimberly really did a big part in raising her and is very protective. But Chris gets it. They kiss a bunch after he tells her not to worry about that and that Kimberly didn’t change his feelings for her at all.

“I feel confident that I’m going to marry Chris,” Whitney beams to camera. And I don’t doubt that she feels that. I think she’s the front runner right now, but guys, how many times have I been wrong in the past? All the time. I’m almost always wrong about who the final pick is.

At dinner, Whitney is wearing this great neon yellow maxi dress. I covet it. Chris wants to take this opportunity to talk to Whitney about the reality of moving to Arlington with her job. He deeply respects how hard she’s worked for her job and how passionate she is, so he just wants to make sure he’s not asking too much of her.

He really lays it all out there as far as how small Arlington is: how there’s nothing to do there, how you have to drive to somewhere else to do anything. He refers to it as his “biggest insecurity in this.” That’s fair because wow is it a deal breaker. I mean aside from Chris being as interesting as the empty box of Wheat Thins on my lap, Arlington is a real no-go.

“I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but I’ve always wanted to be a mom and be a wife. And my mom taught me that sometimes, even when you are those things, it doesn’t work out. So you need to have something to fall back on. So I have this career, but I’m not fully happy...So if I moved to Arlington, I would leave my career…And I would want to start having babies, and that would be my career,” Whitney explains to Chris. Chris beams the biggest stupid smile ever when she explains that having babies would be her career, and I want to DIE. COME ON, WHITNEY.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother and wanting to put your full focus and time into that. Whitney is well aware that you can be many things as a woman. HOWEVER, saying “having babies would be my career” IS THE WORST. It sounds so backwards and wrong. Ugh. We are not baby factories.

“It’s not where you are. It’s who you’re with,” concludes Whitney.

Chris tells the cameras that if things continue as they are going, he could definitely see himself proposing to Whitney. And with that, they head right into the Fantasy Suite. It’s so Plush Ass. These Fantasy Suites are the only true Plush Ass Suites there have been this season.

Becca’s turn, y’all! Becca is, once again, stunningly beautiful here in Bali. She’s very nervous about the Fantasy Suite because she hasn’t yet told Chris about how she is waiting until marriage to have sex. Chris is worried about the fact that Becca has never been in love before because he really wants to come away from the show and have a relationship work. And certainly that’s a rational fear that just because someone hasn’t been in love before that they couldn’t figure it out and make a relationship work. Certainly. Certainly.

For their date, they are a walking around a gorgeous agricultural village. Chris is explaining farming and irrigation to Becca and is generally awe inspired by how these people farm in a way that “we” haven’t in hundreds of years.

And then, Becca and Chris go into a temple to meet with The Medium of the Village. So they can ask him about their future and have it foretold unto them. Wow! First Ziporah and now the Village Medium! If any Bachelor needs to mystics and mediums to spice things up, it’s Chris! They ask him questions like “Are we meant to be together?” and “Will Chris be a good dad one day?” and then Chris asks, “What’s her biggest weakness?”

The Medium of the Village responds (through an adorable translator), “She’s hard to control.” Which, I like that. I’m a wild mustang! But also, does he need to control her? No. He does not.

We get a real comedic moment, when, hoo boy get ready for how funny this is, Becca asks for advice for their important date tonight and the only thing that really gets translated is “making love.” Wow. Hilarious. I can barely type I’m laughing so hard. Sex between consenting adults is HIGH STAKES COMEDY.

“I’m glad he brought that up. I was just not thinking about it,” Becca jokes to camera. That’s actually a bit of a funny reaction from her which I appreciate. Becca has not really been shown that much despite her being all the way at the end here.

Becca continues to worry about telling Chris that she is a virgin and waiting until marriage before the Fantasy Suite tonight. She’s wearing a saffron yellow dress that is so short it flounces out from underneath her as she sits for dinner.

Chris loved her family and can see a future with her but is still worried that because she’s never been in love, she can’t get to that point with Chris. Ugh. This is such a non-issue. I mean, this show requires you to get to an advanced point quickly, so that’s fair in Bachelor World. But still, just let her get there on her own.

They address just that as Becca reveals that she believes she really is falling in love with Chris. She is also wary of moving to Arlington until she’s 100% sure that she wants to be Chris’s wife and spend forever with him. So those go hand in hand and satisfy both of Chris’s main concerns about her.

Right after this reveal of love, Chris busts out the Fantasy Suite invite. Becca takes a dramatic pause to think it over and explains to camera what her reservations are. She’s is worried that Chris will not be ok with her decision, and she’s also worried about the fact that there will be temptation in the Fantasy Suite.

“I’m not naïve to that,” she says, regarding the things that go on in the Fantasy Suite. In the end, she decides to accept the invitation in order to spend even more time with Chris.

Chris is excited to get to know Becca on a “whole other level, a level of intimacy that hasn’t been allowed.” Oh Chris, you poor, poor man. And your poor, poor boner.

After they explore the amazing Fanstasy Suite, Becca sits him down to have a frank conversation about her decision to wait until marriage to have sex. She explains that she wants him to be honest about his feelings and to be straightforward about what she’s about to tell him.

I really admire the way Becca has played this entire situation and especially the way she is telling Chris about it. With Ashley I., it was a big dramatic thing and something that you could tell she was very self-conscious of. Which is why the way she told Chris was awkward, uncomfortable, and self-conscious.

Becca on the other hand, while nervous, is confident about this fact and is standing by her convictions. I respect that. She tells Chris that it’s something very important to her.

“It’s a big part of who I am…it’s something that I want to talk about and not just kind of skim over. But I am a virgin,” Becca says.

Chris exhales deeply and then composes one of signature eloquent speeches, “Um, I am glad that you…and I…it’s never easy to respond to that kind of stuff. But I respect that in a lot of ways…it surprises me, and uh, I think says a lot of who you are and,” Chris explains, “I’m really more interested in figuring out if this could work.”

Becca thinks Chris’s response was perfect. Well, it was a good enough response. And although I can feel the disappointment that he doesn’t get to have sex with Becca radiating off his sweaty forehead, he takes it reasonably well. Again, though, as if he could respond poorly to that and not get skewered and roasted for it?

But the next day, Chris says that the overnight date with Becca was wonderful and that he’s falling in love with her. However, when they woke up together, they had a conversation about their future that left Chris feeling more confused than ever. He doesn’t know what to do because now he has to send either Becca or Kaitlyn, “or even Whitney” he adds as a hasty correction, home. Yeah, you’re not sending Whitney home, you dolt. Whitney was created in a lab to be the perfect contestant on this show.

Chris is just very conflicted about who he’s going to send home tonight. He gets emotional when he talks about how badly he wants all these women to meet his family. Oh Chris, you’ll figure it out. He sits down with Chrarrison to sort this all out. Chrarrison is amazed that Chris feels so strongly for all the women. He’s most nervous about Becca because she is not in the same advanced place emotionally and is also not as willing to pick up her life and moving to Arlington.

However, Chris feels so strongly about Becca and her family that he could see her being the one for him. He also feels that way about Kaitlyn. He also feels great about Whitney, although he’s all but confirmed that her rose is the only one he’s certain about.

In order to put as strange a filter on this rose ceremony as possible, they gather for the Rose Ceremony at one of the most sacred temples in Bali. There are very strict rules about no kissing and ladies with shoulders covered etc. Everyone is dressed in a kind of traditional way with Chris in white and the ladies in bright colors. They actually look quite lovely.

After Chris makes a speech about how grateful he feels to be there with all of them, he asks to speak to Becca. What results is a conversation where Becca reconfirms what we heard last night about her falling in love with him and that being why she’s still there. She also explains that she could move to Arlington.

And with that we cut to Kaitlyn who really feels that he’s telling Becca good-bye. She feels guilty for feeling happy that someone else is going home, but she’s excited that she could get to the end with Chris.

Smash-cut to Chris and Becca walking back into the ceremony area hand-in-hand. Whitney is surprised because she feels that Becca is very different from her.

“I think she’s young. I think she lacks life experience, and I don’t know if she’s ready for this,” Whitney explains. I agree 100%. I think Chris is getting wrapped up in the romance of the show with Becca. She’s not a realistic choice.

As he picks up the first rose, the dramatic music crescendos. He calls Whitney first. Obviously. And then that last rose goes to…BECCA. IT’S BECCA YOU GUYS. HOLY CRAP. I was mostly not expecting that. He’s such an idiot.

Kaitlyn is very hurt and visibly shaken. Becca tries to reach out a hand to her, and Kaitlyn declines it. Like a boss.

They make the very long walk out of the temple so Chris can finally hug her and tell her he’s sorry. Kaitlyn asks what happened, and Chris just talks about how hard it was for him and how excruciating it was for him and how HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S THE RIGHT DECISION. What a piece of shit. Also a rooster LOUDLY crows in the middle of Chris making it all about him. Sure, Chris. Keep talking about how hard this is FOR YOU as you break the heart of a real live woman on TV. That rooster crowing signifying YOUR BETRYAYL, JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE.

Poor Kaitlyn. I actually enjoyed her for the most part. She was a real person with a personality and not a Bachelor robot. Well folks, on that happy note, we’re off until next week with the Women Tell All! Won’t that be fun? It really will be. Nothing I love quite like the Women Tell All. And also, I feel that with Kaitlyn’s fun-loving personality and big-time heartbreak, she could be well posed to be the next Bachelorette.

Henley Monday -

hahaha yes that's right, Henley Monday is returned. We were on an unofficial, unannounced hiatus but we are back. And we are just as good as ever. And we are super excited to be moving towards the two year anniversary of this most beloved feature here at the blog.

We're doing a kick off with Colin Ferrell. He is a renowned "bad boy" with some serious issues for which we hope he's receiving therapy and working towards happiness and all the while LOOKING SO SEXY. He's getting older and his scruff is getting some salt mixed in with the pepper, and he is wearing the crap out of a henley under a sportcoat!

Stay well, Colin! Stay well, all of you! Until next Monday!

Henley Monday -

Welcome to Henley Monday where every Monday I post a picture of a guy looking really, really attractive while wearing a henley shirt, be it thermal, cotton, linen, short-sleeved, of the sweater variety or whatever the geniuses in menswear have thought up.

This week it's repeat offender Aaron Tveit in this promotion shot for his new USA show "Graceland" and who you might also recognize as dear Enjolras from Les Mis. The monochromatic blue tones are mesmerizing and the architecture of his hair is astonishing. I would very much like to cuddle up next to that henley-clad body on any a moon-lit ocean-view night.

I want to hug Lindy West. I want to take Lindy West out to the poshest brunch spot in town. I want to buy Lindy West the baby animal of her choosing. I want to follow Lindy West around with a boom box playing her favorite pump up song and fire a confetti cannon any time she enters a room.

The woman deserves lauding. The message of this article is so important, and should be required reading for all woman because it bears so much truth. I will be the first to stand up and say that I am super-duper guilty of making statements like these. Not only to myself, but out loud and often. Watching other people be in love while you aren't, makes it really easy to try and rationalize and explain things away. But Lindy is pointing out that that is STUPID. It is DUMB, DUMMY!

But she also points out that those times when all that nonsense falls away, and life is just life, and you are just you, are awesome. It is the best life can be, and that's what we should be striving for. And if life is the best it can be, then that's just great. And if a relationship should happen to fall into that along the way? Well, then that's just the cherry on top.

So let's all make a pact as women (men, feel free to join in on this. I'd hate to discriminate affirmations) to slap the negative words out of our faces when we hear/speak them and replace them with positive reinforcements and self-actualizing thoughts!

Ready? GO!

The Bachelor - Episode 2 Recap

The smoke has finally cleared from the battle of that first fateful night in Bachelor Mansion. We begin week two on Farmer Chris’ journey to find love. Last week left with a bit of a cliffhanger, as one rejected contestant Kimberly refused to take no for an answer and marched herself right back into the mansion. How will this play out? Let us observe…

We open with an establishing shot of the mansion at night, though we all know that party raged on until dawn’s early light. Dramatic music plays over the champagne toast as all the women see Kimberly re-enter the room. She and Chris duck out to have a quick chat. The rest of the women sit down in their formalwear to discuss what could be happening.

“Can we just talk for even a few minutes? I just refuse to walk away from this so easily,” Kimberly implores Chris. He walks away to talk to Chris Harrison about his play here.  As all the women, particularly Dance Kaitlyn, say how much they hope she does not stick around, they walk back into the room hand in hand. Chris tells the other women that thanks to Kimberly having the nerve to come back and ask him for a second chance, he’s giving her just that. She’s back. And the women are displeased.

But the sun must rise on a new day. Chrarrison gathers the women after breakfast for the first pow-wow. He announces that Chris is living right down the driveway in the guest house and that it is in their best interest to “create time, find time, make the most of your time” with Chris. There are no rules. And with that, Old Chrarrs leaves the first group date card.

Jade, Kendra, Ashley S., Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara will be going on a date where they will have to “show [him] their country”. The fact that Kimberly is on the first group date has ruffled some feathers, but I think it’s smart. He didn’t get to talk to her on night one, so he wants to talk to her and get to know if there’s a match there as soon as possible.

“I’m more Kardashian than I am country,” Ashley I. tells us of the date. But she needn’t worry too much because the first half of the date is a rooftop pool party.

“I feel so lucky to have my first date with my future husband,” says Tara which seems right that she is the first one to invoke that psycho “future husband” talk.

The first side conversation is between Chris and Kimberly. To have a complete fresh start, Chris walks around the corner to pretend they are meeting for the first time. He and Kimberly seem to be sweet people and have a good time. I feel like this was a good choice by him, especially considering some of the crazies that are there.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…Jillian the News Producer and Megan sneak down to Chris’ house to explore and snoop. Jillian’s bikini bottom is so small that her butt is censored by a black bar for this entire adventure. Megan appears to be either touched, drunk, or a combination of the two as she puts on his motorcycle helmet and rams her head into the walls and the fridge to make sure it’s safe. So let’s put those two on our Crazy Radar and keep tabs.

Although the girls have enjoyed the pool party, they seem confused by it. They were told to “show your country” and as yet, nothing country has happened. So the producers have Chris lead all six women down the streets of LA in naught but their bikinis and shoes to, what else, a tractor pull.

So just to be clear: they walked down the public streets nowhere near the beach in their bikinis and now are going to be tractor racing in their bikinis which is not only exploitative but honestly sounds super painful and not very sanitary. I’ll bet someone show’s their “country”. There’s a whooooole lot of “country” about to be shown.

Tara is obviously thrilled out of her Florida mind and is hungry for a win. Chris is toeing this strange line between simple-sweet and secret perve for me. He really has all the personality of a field of soybeans.

The tractors take off! And they go very, very slowly. This is a source of great comedy for everyone involved. The race drags until finally Ashley I. pulls ahead to win the whole thing and some special one-on-one time with Chris.

As the women left behind eagerly await the next date card, we get a check in from Juelia who has such massive veneers she cannot speak properly with them. Juelia has a daughter named Ireland, and reveals that she was married to Ireland’s father. Her husband committed suicide right after the birth of their daughter. It’s super emotional. Someone asks if she knew he was struggling, and she replies “Yeah but I didn’t understand…I just feel so bad that I didn’t understand.” She’s crying a whole lot because of course she is. The other women are very supportive and sympathetic to her. Alright Juelia, now I’m totally on your side. You have had it ROUGH and you deserve to have great love again. What an emotional interlude to have right after a bikini-clad tractor race though.

 On the group date, we don’t get to see any of the one-on-one conversation with Ashely I. except to show how upset the rest of the women are that they are left alone. Chris is very uncomfortable with this whole situation of managing six women at once. When they come back from their chat, Chris asks Mackenzie to spend the rest of the night as a one-on-one with him, leaving the group date rose behind.

The other women are PISSED that their time is cut short, but they also think it’s sweet that he pulled Mackenzie aside because he recognized how nervous and shy she was. Tara is heartbroken and about to cry. Ashley I. feels “jipped” that she didn’t get the rose after winning the race. But that rose has not been handed out yet, and that means Mackenzie still might not get it. He might realize that she is a CHILD with a CHILD and not right for him. Her hair is also such a hot mess.

They’re at a posh bar called Escondite in LA which is out of the comfort zone for both of them. This leads immediately to a bit of discomfort that never quite leaves the whole conversation. Mackenzie observes that he once had his ears pierced, and he laughs saying “no one has ever noticed it before!” Which seemed like a good, kind of quirky start but then she starts in with, “Wanna know something crazy? Well not crazy, just kinda weird?” And she explains that her absolute, most important factor in a man’s attractiveness is a prominent nose. She does this while giggling and it’s very sweet and complimentary, I think. But in his talking head, Chris does not seem very amused or flattered. He thinks she’s weird. Go tell it to the wheat thresher, Soules.

The strangeness doesn’t stop there though. Mackenzie then asks,“Do you believe in aliens?” Chris stammers and flounders for words. Come ON, dude.

“The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me,” he tells the camera.  Does it, Chris? Does the fact that on a first date she’s not talking about marriage and her five year plan raise some red flags? I would so much rather talk about aliens than any of that on a first date. PS – ALIENS ARE REAL. IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BASIC LAWS OF SCIENCE AND THE FACTS OF OUR KNOWN UNIVERSE, THEY ARE REAL. DON’T BE SUCH A DICK ABOUT IT, FARMBOY.

What is eating away at Mackenzie is that she hasn’t yet told Chris that she has a son. It’s making her nervous and coloring the conversation. She finally gets it out that she has a son named Kale, and he is very sweet about it. Of course he is; he can’t viscerally react to her being a single mom. She shows him a picture of him on her phone. He puts up with that as best as anyone can, “Oh wow he is so cute.”

But I guess that does the trick to convince Chris to give her the rose. She’s stoked out of her mind. They dance a little at the bar. I’m unimpressed. I think he didn’t see a real solid reason to send her home, so he kept her. We’ll see. He kissed her a bunch on the date too.

The second date card has arrived! Megan is going on the first one-on-one date that reads “Love is a natural wonder”. She does not initially understand that it’s a date card and not a love note. Of course though, because who isn’t familiar with the long, storied history of love notes being passed around willy-nilly on the Bachelor?

Megan, a makeup artist, is wearing a metric ton of makeup. She and Chris hop right into a stretch limo to be whisked away in a private jet to Las Vegas. They then step immediately into a HELICOPTER! YES! THE COPTERS ARE BACK! THE COPTERS ARE BACK ON THE FIRST ONE-ON-ONE! They take a helicopter tour of Las Vegas and the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon.  They land for dinner in the middle of the Grand Canyon. They sit down on a picnic blanket by the river and Chris cheers to “the most beautiful blue eyes in North America.” Ok, Chris, we're laying it on a little thick here I think. You truly don't have to try so hard with these women.

Megan launches immediately into the harrowing tale of how right before she was supposed to come on the show, her dad suffered a massive heart attack and died. She is detailed in how terrible his death was too which is FUN. Chris eats it all up and is even more into Megan than he was in the copter. Chris gives her the date rose easy-peasy because he is super into Megan. They make out. Duh.

The final group date card arrives at the mansion! Kelsey, Trina, Alyssa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Brit are on the date card that reads “Till death do us part”. The girls are creeped out but intrigued by that missive. It’s dark as the two stretch limos arrive to some abandoned warehouse. They are thoroughly creeped as things start sneaking around the limos and banging on the windows. I know it’s a total slam dunk to watch other people be scared via pranks, but it is a slam dunk for good reason. Watching those girls scream bloody murder and pile on top of each other in the back of that limo is hysterical.

Turns out it’s just Chris you guys!!! Who would’ve guessed! They all giggled upon realizing it was just their hunky farmer man. They are going zombie paintballing. Most of the girls are stoked, but you will never guess who is deeply confused. It’s Ashley S. She is deeply confused about the fact that she’s not shooting any of her teammates.

“Look, do not put any kind of weapon in Ashley’s hand. I don’t care if it’s a fork or a paintball gun, she shouldn’t even be holding a wet noodle,” warns Kaitlyn. And I agree. I wasn’t sure about you Kaitlyn, but that’s some solid gold advice.

This date looks super fun to me and it looks like the women have a ton of fun. Ashley S just walks through a crowd of zombies completely calm, cool and collected. It is truly like a scene from a horror movie. She shoots many of the already dead zombies (played by real humans) at point blank "just to be sure."

“I feel like I’m in the, um, the um, Mesa Verde,” Ashley S says and then points her gun straight at the camera. She is amazingly insane. She is the kind of insane you don’t see every day, and I, for one, am glad she’s there. I am concerned, however, about her obvious mental instability and potential pill-popping problem.

I’m also concerned about Jordan the 24 year-old student who is constantly drunk and stumbling. At the mansion, she attempts to twerk against the wall much to Megan and Mackenzie’s chagrin. Jordan also talks at length about Jillian’s hairy asshole. So that’s real. This show is a national treasure.

Back at the cocktailing portion of the date, the women are trying and failing to understand Ashley S. “There are like angels, literally, in the candle,” she says and looks closely at it. She is an alien. Maybe that’s why Mackenzie asked! Because she knows something we don’t about Ashley S. being an alien trying to infiltrate our earthling culture!

Romance-wise, Chris and Kaitlyn have a really nice chat. Chris is very into her and her whole kooky vibe. They kiss a bunch but it’s very fish-lipped and gross. Chris is kissing a LOT, and he is not a good kisser.

What happens next with Ashley S. is one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen on this show. Her behavior is so bizarre and irrational it borders on terrifying. First she’s trying to explain something to the women and all she can say is “boom”, “that’s the truth”, and “that’s how I feel.” And no amount of further questioning gets her to explain. Then she goes off to talk to Chris and he is being as diplomatic as possible as he asks her questions and she either completely doesn’t respond or whispers something quickly.

She suggests they play hide and seek because she originally said she wanted to hide, but her alien computer told her that’s not normal. They go for a little walk and she asks Chris if he a) knows where they are b) has ever been there before c) knows if this is Mesa Verde  d) where is Mesa Verde. Guys, I’m not totally positive, but I think there’s some kind of extraterrestrial significance to Mesa Verde. I can’t legally tell you to go mine for unobtainium in Mesa Verde, but I’m saying it’s not a bad idea.

Even as Chris is giving an interview saying how strange she’s acting, Ashley S. approaches and interrupts the interview. “Your leather smells really great,” she slurs after some other things I honestly couldn’t make out. He pulls her aside to have a chat.

“How are you doing? Are you holding up ok?” he asks.

“I literally don’t even know what you’re asking,” Ashley S. replies.

“I’m just asking how you’re doing and if you’re holding up ok. It seems like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Chris says gently. For what it’s worth, he’s being very patient with her, probably because he can tell something isn’t quite right.

“You don’t wanna lose the whole world. You wanna gain the whole world,” she says to him after he suggests she goes home and they get some one-on-one time tomorrow, “You don’t wanna lose your soul.”

“That’s…a fact,” he mutters. Starting at about 50 minutes into this episode on Hulu is when this all started going down, and I highly recommend taking a look because it is so bizarre. Like I said, and per the other women on the date, “she is obviously on some hardcore something.” And with that, she leaves. The final shot we get of her is her on her hands and knees talking to a stray cat who I assume is her alien overlord there to yell at her for blowing her cover so bad.

Moving right along to Britt, Chris and she pick right up where they left off. The chemistry is intense and you can tell they already like each other so much. Chris gives her a card for one free kiss because he is a teenage boy and thinks that’s the height of romance. It’s not, but Britt loves the gesture.

Ultimately, the date rose goes to Kaitlyn. Britt is a little disappointed, but I’m not surprised that he gave it to Kaitlyn. She’s got a hold on him.

The final cocktail party begins with the usual nerves from the women who didn’t get date time with Chris this week. Emotions are officially invested, so the stakes are high right away. Whitney wanted to make a good impression and stand out so she set up a mini-date on the patio. She gives him a bottle of his favorite whiskey and they share a drink together. It is understated but memorable and a very smart move on her part.

Then a huge knowledge bomb gets dropped on us. Ashley I., Mackenzie, and Megan are all talking and Ashley I. drops that not only has she never had a boyfriend, but she is a virgin. Mackenzie is SO jazzed about finding that out. She is jealous and thinks it will make sure that Ashley I. sticks around for a long, long time.

“No he will like it, all guys like it because guys like taking your virginity,” Mackenzie implores to her. “You’re super pretty. You’re really intelligent, and you’re a virgin. Oh my god you’re so lucky,” she squeals.

Her reaction is a little intense, but I feel like it’s the absolute best Ashley I. could’ve hoped for. With the courage given her by Mackenzie, Ashley I. goes forth to have one-on-one time with Chris. She starts off by telling Chris that she has a magic lamp belly-button ring, and that throughout her time there, he gets three wishes. “Do you want your first wish tonight?” she asks. He asks for a kiss and she makes him rub her belly button ring. Gross. But they starting making out, and I mean, making out like on top of each other and heavy petting right in front of all the other women.

This is also a key piece of information given what Chrarrison told us during the very beginning of the premier last week. Ashley I. is going to make it all the way to the fantasy suites unless there's another virgin running around. Spoiler alert, Chrarrs! But now I'll be interested to see how this plays out. Ashley I. certainly hasn't been a real front-runner, but we need to take her bid seriously.

The kissing reaches such a point that the other women already start their jealousy pangs and jealousy tears. Britt is particularly upset. But for others it just encourages them to go for it. Amber kisses him. And when Jordan gets wind of that, she goes on the warpath to kiss him. She’s wasted as usual and really puts off Chris by just talking about kissing the whole time rather than letting it happen naturally because she’s wasted and that’s how drunk logic works.

And with that, the Chris’s go away to decide on the cuts for the group.

So who’s in? The roses go out to the following ladies.

Britt, Ashley I., Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, and then he calls Juelia who is standing behind Jillian who thinks he calls her name. When Jillian realizes her mistake she almost slips and completely goes down on the carpet. She laughs really loudly and overcompensates for how embarrassed she feels about both parts of that. So, Juelia gets the rose. Then back on track with the roses going out to Amber, Tracey, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and ASHLEY S. GETS THE LAST MOTHER LOVIN’ ROSE OF THE NIGHT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I CANNOT. I mean I can because the producers probably begged him to keep her, but still. I can’t wait to see more of her antics.

This means Alissa, Jordan, Tara, and Kimberly are going home. I feel bad for Kimberly because it really hurts to get rejected by the same guy twice. She is really sweet and a complete bombshell of a woman, so I think love might be just around the bend for her. Tara is sobbing to be leaving. Girl, you’ll be fine. Go back to Florida. “It will haunt me for the rest of my life,” she weeps. Um, no it won’t. You just think it will but like all things in life, this too shall pass Tara.

See you guys next week for when Jimmy Kimmel shows up to help Chris go through some kind of Bachelor Bootcamp or some nonsense! Love!