Henley Monday - 

I saw this a couple weeks ago, and even then, I was jumping on the Dujardin train a little late.  Now that he's won some much deserved Oscar gold for his role in the Artist, I wanted to make sure everyone else on the train had seen this piece of comedy excellence.

Also, that they've seen this...

...and this, taken shortly after he proclaimed his love for both the American people and our cinnamon rolls.

May his flame be a long burning one.

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

We are really in the homestretch now kids. We’ve got Hometown Dates right now, then onto Fantasy Suite, a quick stop by the Men Tell All, and then we’re done. Wow. From that side it looks like nothing, from my end it looks like a lot of work. But let’s stop dithering and just get to the goods!

The first stop on Andi’s nationwide trip to meet her potential in-laws is Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Nick. This bodes well for him and his family, as the first stop is never the most titillating or scandalous. They do a great job making Milwaukee look like a nice place and not a sad, forgotten step child of Chicago. They go to the Milwaukee Public Market and do fun things like eat cheese, try cheese, sample cheese. All cheese all day! Jealouuus! Then they go on a brewery tour, and one of the beer pulls is called the Nick and Andi with a rose on it. Ok. Then Andi doesn’t know what the polka is…has she never seen HOME ALONE at least? Or like been exposed to any kind of anything to know what a polka is?

Nick has a big old family in the adorable town of Waukesha, Wisconsin. There are a lot of brothers and sisters and boyfriends and fiancés and husbands and wives. It is a HUGE family. But I’m still just distracted about how weird Nick’s mouth and teeth are? Have we talked about this before? His teeth are like tiny and he has little fish lips. Nick talks to his older sister about how he is definitely in love with Andi. That same sister Maria gets emotional talking to Andi about how she just doesn’t want to see him hurt again.

His ADORABLE youngest sister Bella has a list of prepared questions for Andi like “What do you like most about my brother?” She’s freaking cute. I can’t stand how cute she is. Andi is also really great with her. I love this segment with no irony!

Nick’s talk with his mom about how much he loves Andi and wants to spend his life with her is great. He cries! Nick cries because he feels that Andi is a half of him that has been missing! Ok. Alright. We’re at the point of the show where I feel things. I feel things. A boy crying to his mom who is also crying about how much he loves a girl? I mean come on. I’m not a monster.

As they kiss good-bye, Nick doesn’t take the opportunity to tell her he loves her. He says there will be time to do that later. “I don’t think of her as the Bachelorette anymore. I just think of her as my girl,” Nick says as his parting words.

Next stop is Arlington, Iowa (Population 758) to meet Farmer Chris and his down-home family! “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here,” Andi says of her trepidations of really seeing what life would be like in Iowa. Chris looks super handsome in a vest and a plaid shirt on his own farm. I’m dying.

They go on a quick tour of his house. It’s a great little house that overlooks his huge farm. Andi is very impressed by a guy who owns a home rather than having a dinky apartment. Then Chris takes Andi out on the tractor to see the farm from that perspective, and he even lets her drive! She sits on his lap as he teaches her how to drive this humongous John Deer tractor.

“She asked me if she could sit on my lap and I said ‘I will never say no that question from you ever, I promise you that’,” Chris tells the cameras. Oh, swoon. Farmer Chris really tugging at the old heartstrings over here. Then they have a lovely little picnic in the middle of such a huge field I can’t see where it starts or ends.

Then they discuss what would happen if they live together. Chris really feels that Iowa is important to him and his whole life and family. He’s very understanding that you have to enjoy your lifestyle and where you live otherwise you’ll never be happy even if you’re in love. And then Andi asks what she would do for work in Arlington, Iowa and the FIRST THING CHRIS SAYS IS, “Well there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” And then I black out for forty-five minutes.

ANDI IS A LAWYER. FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA. YOU DON’T HAVE THE KIND OF WORK ETHIC AND DRIVE AND INTELLIGENCE TO GO THROUGH LAW SCHOOL TO JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY TO BE A HOME MAKER WITH THE JUNIOR LEAGUE. WHAT. GOOD LORD. KILL ME. I WOULD RATHER DIE.

But then he says that Cedar Rapids is a vibrant community that isn’t too far away, and she would have opportunities to practice law in some form. And I’m breathing regular air again and not just steam and fire.

And then I black out for another forty-five minutes because as they’re sitting there Chris points up to a crop-duster plane dragging a sign that says “Chris loves Andi!” and he says, “no secret admirer anymore!” And Andi is so completely taken by it. She says it’s the most romantic gesture ever. I want to die at how hokey and tacky and like not cute that is.

They arrive at Chris’ parents’ farm house which is very large and modern and nice. They are successful farmers I guess. There are so many huge bear hugs that happen as soon as Chris and Andi walk in the door. His mother Linda and his father Gary (GARY!) are adorable. His sisters are adorable too. I love this family.

The three sisters get together with Andi and cackle as they share dirty secrets about Chris’ childhood. They also sing his praises and you can tell how much they love him and are proud of him. I like those ladies a lot. They are good sisters.

Chris’s mom is the BEST THOUGH. She’s THE BEST. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She is straight talking and smart and knows TRUTH, y’all. When Chris says that it may seem strange he’s fallen in love so fast she says, “Well no. When it’s love it happens just like that. It doesn’t take much time with love.” And then she tells him how she was a girl from town and had never driven a tractor, but she met his father and seeing him on a tractor would just stop her heart. So she adapted and raised her kids on a farm and drove a tractor, and there’s nothing nowadays that would stop Andi from being a successful woman who also lives on a farm.

LIKE I SAID, THE BEST. She never said homemaker either so props to mom.

Then Linda and Andi talk and Linda continues to be adorable and supportive and the best. “Times have changed. I want you to know that if you want to have your career, or even if you don’t, you can still have that on a farm. As long as you have gumption like I’ve got gumption. I think you’ve got gumption,” she tells Andi. SHE’S THE BEST MOM WHO’S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW. SHE AMAZING LIKE SEAN’S DAD IS AMAZING.

At the end of the night, the whole family of grown adults plays ghost in the graveyard. You guys. His family is amazing. Andi finds Chris and he whispers, “you’re so smart!” Andi says she is on cloud nine at the end of such an amazing hometown date.

Now we’re in what must be one of the Living Hell’s on Earth, Tampa, Florida for Josh’s hometown date. Josh is such a bro-ey dork I can’t stand it. They go to a park and play some baseball. He’s such a jock. Andi loves every second of him playing baseball and being in his element. I don’t get it. I don’t really get it with Josh in general. He’s too much of a meathead. He’s sweet and genuinely likes Andi but what else? What else is there?

A point of interest for me is that Josh played professional baseball for a number of years and then quit so he could be around his family more and support his little brother as he played quarterback in college and is now trying to get drafted. I’m always suspicious of families that push their children to be professional athletes. Same with show-biz families. Suspicious.

Andi is worried that tonight’s dinner will be all about Aaron and the NFL draft, which is special, but it’s also a special time for Josh as he might be introducing his family to his future wife.  Josh has a reasonably sized family of just two parents and one brother and one sister. Josh even cries a little bit as he introduces them all. His brother Aaron looks like his twin. His brother Aaron also gives the toast at dinner which is so f***ed I can’t really believe it.

Then they talk for what seems like three days about Aaron and the NFL. Andi doesn’t say two words because she doesn’t know anything about it.

His mom and dad talk to Andi only about if she’s willing to be part of their family inasmuch as they will be going to all of Aaron’s games if he’s drafted. They are very protective and very close as a family and that worries Andi. She worries that if she had a family with Josh, they wouldn’t have their own lives as well.

When Josh and his mother talk, she tells him that he has put himself last for so long that he deserves all this great love he’s got coming. Aaron is pretty nice too but I still can’t get over that the son gave the toast at family dinner. That’s not ok.

At the end of the day, she had a nice time because Andi is hell bent on always having fun. But I think Josh’s family is a little intense and the least “homey” feeling she’s gotten so far.

Finally, we go to Dallas, Texas for Marcus’ hometown. They just drive around (in his BENZ) as he plays tour guide to his city. Marcus has already said he’s in love and has expressed the he would already be ready to marry Andi. Andi’s worried this is too fast for where she is at with Marcus.

And then they go into an honest to shit night club in the day, and the Marcus walks away and comes back IN THE SAILOR COSTUME FROM THAT STRIP SHOW DATE. AND THEN HE DOES THE DANCE. SOLO. FOR ANDI.

I black out for at least ninety minutes this time. So awkward and uncomfortable but Andi is like, “it was so hot! Marcus is so hot! I wasn’t complaining!” And I’m not entertained. She says that Marcus is the hottest guy she’s ever dated which is so confusing to me. Like, he’s good looking, but he is not THAT insanely on-fire attractive. Right? Am I crazy here? Am I alone in this?

They walk into his family home and wow, wow, wow are they Polish. Marcus kind of sneaks by as not looking super Polish, but his family are the most Polish looking people imaginable. Beautiful, beautiful people with beautiful eastern European things all over the house. I love it. This feels right at home to me.

Andi and his sister Kathy talk about how Andi feels a little intimidated by the fact that Marcus falls so fast in love and is so quick in expressing it. She wonders if she can catch up to where he is emotionally.

Marcus has a very emotional conversation with is older brother Conrad about how much he appreciates and is grateful to him for being a father-figure to him when their dad left. Real emotions once again!

His lovely mother has a sweet conversation with Andi about how she was able to open Marcus up so quickly with his emotions and trust. “You are very bright and intelligent and of course very beautiful,” Elena says, “I see the sparkles in his eyes when he looks at you!” She is so sweet.

At the end of the night, Marcus tears up as he tells Andi that he loves her and is so happy she met his great family. Andi is touched by this and is really touched by how kind and warm his family was.

And then we break to Chris Harrison’s home in Los Angeles. All the guys and Andi gather with a full film crew to be told the news that Eric Hill has passed away. I don’t think they should have filmed this in the first place. I don’t think they should have shown it. I don’t agree with how much they showed and how long they showed it, so I’m not going to say anything about it other than that it is of course very sad and very difficult to watch people hear the news that someone they know has died.

Magically, twenty-four hours later, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. We start off right away with a fireside chat with Chris Harrison. My rock, Chris Harrison. Andi is very emotional about absolutely everything. She is emotional about Eric’s death, and sending someone home after meeting the families, and feeling happy about her love while something so tragic happened.

Chrarrison is so wise and strong and tells Andi that it’s ok to show emotion and that she doesn’t have to fake it up there, to just allow the emotions to flow and be true to herself. She pulls herself together long enough to come out to the rose ceremony and tell the guys how grateful she is for the love shown by their families. Then she picks up the first rose, pauses, and has to run off screen because she’s so overcome by emotion.

But we press on. And the first rose goes to Josh which greatly surprises me. The next goes to Chris which doesn’t surprise me at all. And then it’s down to Nick and Marcus, and, unsurprisingly it goes to Nick. He’s been her favorite for so long, and Marcus was the only one with whom she expressed any doubts. Poor Marcus. They have a very emotional good-bye. I feel bad for Marcus, but I know he’s going to get back. Andi says, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you gave me.” Which is deep and cuts deep. He’ll be ok. He will!

We must move ever onwards however. The famed and infamous Fantasy Suite dates are up next in beautiful Dominican Republic.

Henley Monday -

I am so tired today that I wish the world would just swallow me up, pause time, let me nap for roughly seventy years, then spit me back up once time has started again so I can feel rested for the remainder of my life.

However that seems like it would require the defiance of several laws of physics and break the time space continuum or all that hoo-ha. So I'll settle for this picture of Idris Elba. I will let his fearsome masculinity soothe me into a dream-like peace where his perfect, English booming voice tells me tales of old. Ahh yes...I can feel the serenity now...

Sexy Halloween Costumes: Men's Edition

   It's that time of year again, y'all. Halloween costume anxiety season. There is much ado about what to go as, whether it be topical, witty, scary, or the current favorite amongst women of all ages, "slutty". For women there are "sexy" versions of Halloween costumes for everything from Big Bird to an ear of corn, while the men are left hung out to dry.

No longer. For your benefit, gents, I've put together a list of Halloween costume ideas that are the male-equivalent of "sexy" - Costumes we ladies would be amped to see and you would enjoy sporting (MEN- you may be surprised at the absence of a single beer-related costume) ---

Star Wars X-wing Fighter Pilot - You love Star Wars; we love Star Wars. Pretty much the only cool-looking iteration of a Star Wars character is the Fighter Pilots, and plus, wearing the Jedi Robes pretty much ensures you'll be mistaken for Jesus or Moses or other decidedly un-sexy biblical figures all night.

Top Gun - Maverick and Goose are ueber-dudes (volleyball scene excluded), so it works to the top of your manliness and right to the ladies' love of a flight suit covered in patches and good pair of aviators.

Robin Hood - Archery is really having a moment this year, so play to the strengths of the times. Robin Hood is heroic in a very "stick it the 1%" kind of way and has always had great swagger. Extra props if you go as the sexiest film Robin Hood - the fox from Disney's animated version.

The Brawny Man - Not only is this costume cheap, it's also clever and awesome. You wear a henley (I advocate any costume choice that involves henleys), a plaid shirt (also great), blue jeans, and carry an axe and a roll of paper towels. Boom. Sexy.

Dr. Henry Walton aka Indiana Jones - I think probably a lot of men go as action-hero Indy, but I would urge you to take the subtler, more intellectual route and go as his professorial self. Do the whole professor-bowtie-tweed-glasses look and carry a bull whip for good measure and extra self-defense. Everybody loves a sexy professor with a bull whip...I think.

Young Teddy Roosevelt - One time Teddy Roosevelt got shot in the chest, then gave a ninety minute speech, THEN went to the hospital. He was practically a superhero. And he liked to wear khaki and pith helmets, so you can be the first of the progressive presidents, a total badass, and an environmentalist. He covers a lot of demographic appeal. Full push-broom mustache a must.

GROUP COSTUMES:

The Beatles - Do Abbey Road, or the Ed Sullivan show suits, or black turtlenecks, or just embody the essence of each Beatle. Do not, I repeat, do NOT do Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. This is colorful and fun and a great album cover - this is NOT a sexy Halloween group costume.

The Princess Bride - Westley would be a great, romantic single costume, but why not have more fun and bring along Inigo Montoya with his rapier and Fessik with some peanuts, and even Humperdink to be a dastardly devil.

Sexy Founding Fathers - Comedy gold and and historically relevant. Look, it's an election year, so you can bet your bippy that there will be more than a few Obamas, Romneys, Ryans, and hell, even Bidens. But what you'd never expect is a group of our nation's founding father's in various states of late 18th century undress. Roll up your khaki pants, hike up your white tube socks, wear some dress shoes and slap on a thermal or (duh) a thermal henley. Boom. Slutty, slutty Andrew Jackson. 

   That wraps up this (FREE - these are free) list of some great sexy male costume ideas for this All Hallows Eve. Let me know how these work out, and happy trick-or-treating, gentlemen.

We're diving right into the deep end of the pool with the very specific brand of Celine insanity.

Can we really begrudge her all the electricity conducting and modern dancing and bald albino clowns when we take into consideration the extreme melodrama of the song itself? No. The answer is no, we cannot. And therefore, we must enjoy all of this batshittery to it's utmost. We must. FOR LOVE!

Henley Monday - 

I'm both hungover from alcohol from the whole weekend and from eating an insane amount of delicious food last night. So my witty commentary synapses are not firing at top speed.

Blake Griffin is super duper hot and tall and ginger and, true to his nickname, looks like a lion. A sexy, sexy, basketball playing, funny commercial making lion.

And he looks good in a henley. Thanks, Blake Griffin.

Henley Monday -

Welcome to your week, folks. It's going to be a good one. You're going to be successful. You will have fun. You will come home every night and eat a delicious dinner. All the TV shows you love are going to be great this week. You will feel amazing and ready to start your day every time the alarm goes off. You will achieve all your goals and kick ass doing so.

I think. I mean, I don't really know. You are the master of your destiny, as they say. What I do know is that soultry look Josh Hutcherson is giving here could give me the confidence to go through my week exactly like that. It just says, calmly, confidently, "You got this."

I GOT THIS.

Henley Tuesday - 

Sometimes the ship of my life takes me so far off course that I don't know which way is up or down, right or left. Such was the case yesterday when I found myself sitting in the Cook County Criminal Courthouse serving jury duty for almost 10 full hours. If anyone has ever told you that jury duty is terrible, THEY ARE RIGHT. LISTEN TO THEM. THERE IS NO "IT'S NOT THAT BAD" AT JURY DUTY. 

The moral of the story is that I was trapped in a courtroom gallery that didn't allow phones, so Henley Monday didn't happen as it was scheduled. Should I have planned ahead and queued up a post to automatically publish? Yes, yes I should have. Did I think I would be allowed to use my phone though? Yes. Yes I did.

SO HERE. HERE YOU RAVENOUS HYENAS, TAKE IN THE MAJESTIC BEAUTY OF DANIEL CRAIG IN NOT ONLY A HENLEY BUT ALSO A SHAWL COLLARED SWEATER AND SWILLING WHAT I'M SURE IS A LUXURIOUS SCOTCH WHISKEY.

We may need him now more than ever.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!

Thirdly, and most favoritely, the iconic wedding scene from The Princess Bride. This might be the second most quoted part of what is, for my money, the most heavily quoted movie of our time. There is something so classically hilarious about an old guy in a funny hat with a speech impediment performing an important act.

You can bet your ass there will be at least two members of the wedding party doing this bit from the rehearsal until the lights go out at the reception.

The best part: The way he says Buttercup something along the lines of "Buttahl-cah-wup"