I Saw This A Couple Weeks Ago, And Even Then, I Was Jumping On The Dujardin Train A Little Late.  Now

Unlikely Loves - Ear Worm Edition

I sang this song to a friend recently, and she asked if I just made it up on the spot. I immediately and vehemently informed her that it was the great George Michael singing a song about which Freud would have had volumes to say.

Please enjoy this twisted, manic, whispered ballad video that is so completely of its time with super models and wisps of fabric across the frame from one of our favorite 80s pop overlords.

Be warned: This video is almost 6 minutes long and will suck you in completely.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

"I threw up in my mouth, but then I swallowed it back down!"

I'm so excited that the international tour has started so earl this season! Join Juan Pablo, the remaining ladies, and my slowly increasing inebriation this week in Seoul, South Korea.

Of course we open on the tender moments shared by Juan Pablo and Camila before they part ways for many moons. Camila is 4.5 and her object permanence in general is not good, so she does not exactly understand what's going on.

When Chris Harrison enters the mansion to tell the ladies they are going to Seoul, they scream and react like the girls on America’s Next Top Model. More than a few ANTM parallels this season.

“Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” Clare cries out to the gods, who of course do not hear her prayers because OBVIOUSLY kimonos are from Japan, and while it is geographically near Japan, South Korea has a completely different culture and traditional garb. GOD, CLARE. GET IT TOGETHER. (Sidebar: did a quick Google search and it turns out the Korean traditional garment is called a “hanbok”, is similar in certain ways to the kimono, but still different enough that Clare is an idiot and I win).

They play some pretty generic “Asia” music as JP walks around and talks about how excited he is to be and date somewhere new. The girls arrive and are actually pretty cute walking around smiling so huge to take in the sites. Now when I say their suite is plush, it is PLUSH. Why don’t they focus on how fun it is to be abroad in a plush-ass suite with new friends more?

Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki are on the first of two group dates this week. Nikki is extremely disappointed to be on a group date and not a one-on-one. She is not looking forward to it but at all.

The date is dancing to a popular K-Pop band called 2NE1 (pronounced “twenty-one”). They are Korean mega-stars that we of course have never heard of. The women are wearing athletic gear for this, for dancing is an athletic event. Juan Pablo is wearing a combination of harem pants + hammer pants. Somehow it works.

The queen bee of 2NE1 speaks absolutely perfect English and is really cool. Way cool. Cooler than I will ever be. I’m obsessed with her. Come back and teach me your ways. Everyone takes turns to show off their dance moves, some are better than others. Nikki just does mom-dancing to make up for how bad she is. It works. It’s charming.

Oh my God, Cool Girl is teaching them choreography. I’m so jealous. Kat is up on her high horse because she was a professional dancer and has been dancing forever. She actually says, “I’m the best”. Meanwhile sweet Cassandra is kicking ass because her most recent profession was also NBA Dancer. Kat’s on my last nerve.

Cool Girl and the rest of 2NE1 invite the women to their show that night to not only see the show but also to dance alongside them. That is legitimately pretty cool. Nikki is terrified because she’s not very good.

“I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we are performing for the South Korean School of the Blind” admits Nikki. Girl, I appreciate your realness as anyone would be muy nerviosa.

They get to have professional hair and makeup done and very cool, very K-Pop wardrobe that’s all neon and leopard print and sparkles. Nikki is still pissed that she sucks so bad at dancing and has to do this. Have at least a little fun in hair and makeup, Nik?

Now the night of the performance is upon us and, to be fair, it’s actually a mall show. But it is packed to the rafters. Cool Girl is obviously the Beyoncé/Harry Styles of the group because she takes the reins for the audience as well. Cool Girl calls the contestants up onto the stage to begin the routine, and I’m super embarrassed for these girls. It’s a bit of a hot mess: Kat is way too into herself, most of them don’t know the routine well enough, it’s a lot happening.

“If she would rather stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer for 2NE1, I think she should stay here,” Nikki sasses to camera. I love Nikki. Throw that shade girl. We are all thinking it.

After hearing the song a bunch all episode, I finally figure out how on Earth I know a K-pop song by the group 2NE1. It was part of the best routine all season on So You Think You Can Dance courtesy of Mark Kanemura, alien genius and choreographer extraordinaire. Click on this sentence to see the dance that will make you feel like an empowered high priestess from the future.

Back to the date! We are now at an absolutely stunning oasis of traditional Korean architecture where everybody settles in to have alone time with Juan. Kat pulls him aside first and tells JP that she’s not all just “fun and games”, and then shares that her father was an alcoholic his whole life and that he wasn’t a father at all. Thank God! Thank you for that VITAL piece of info which explains 100% of the reason you need constant love and attention and validation especially from men.

Nikki takes the time to shit on Kat a little bit to the other women there. Cassandra is like “no thanks” to drama and cattiness. Elise makes the grave, grave error of making sure that Juan Pablo’s eyes are open to the women still here who might not necessarily be good mothers. Never make the conversation about the other women being not good enough, Elise! That is a rookie move! That is a one-way ticket to the “crazy drama girl” zone and going home!

But in her one-on-one time, Nikki really shines with Juan Pablo. She seems to be very honest about things, and I can understand the difficult time she’s having. If I were around Kat, I would need to blow off steam about it too. But she also needs to be careful to not get the “mean girl” tag on her head.

Nikki gets the second date rose in a row and the other women are not happy. I really like Nikki and I think the other women need to take a step back and just focus on their individual “relationships” with this man.

Sharleen gets the sole (HA) one-on-one and the date card says “Are you my Seoul mate?” The Bachelor and I love word play. We get to watch a deeply unsexy shower with Juan Pablo and a zoom in on what I assume are supposed to be knockout abs. No need to objectify what isn’t even there.  What is interesting about this shower scene is that he reveals that Sharleen has been on his radar since day one and even says outright that she is his “favorite one”. He’s stoked for his date.

Sharleen is nervous but doesn’t know if Juan Pablo is “the one”. She is so stunning. Her eyebrows are just so strong and so, so beautiful on her beautiful face. The couple has fun wandering around a huge Korean market where they try on hanboks (HEY GUYS! THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT EARLIER!) and eat exotic foods. They move on to a traditional Korean tea house where Juan Pablo asks her all about her singing because he really wants to hear her sing. She’s demure and doesn’t want to. I get it. Opera singing is, by nature, super freaking loud. And whenever anyone tells you to do what you do on the spot it’s uncomfortable. I don’t walk up to you on the street and tell you “do my taxes!” so don’t command me to “tell a joke!” or “sing!” in this instance.

After they have changed into their eveningwear and are in the patio of a temple, Juan Pablo and Sharleen joke around and he kind of pushes her into singing. Finally he closes his eyes so she’s comfortable enough to sing. So she does. And she’s really amazing. And then they kiss because he’s super into her and she’s starting to open up a lot to him. Slowly but surely.

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” is how Sharleen wraps up how her date with Juan Pablo went. That’s good! I love how she is being how a normal person would be in this. She is so open about not knowing whether or not Juan Pablo is the number one man in the world that she needs to be with forever. That’s normal! That’s how it SHOULD be! I’m Team Sharleen.

But queue the record scratch: Sharleen doesn’t want kids right now. She explains herself very well, and Juan Pablo is very understanding about it all. He really, really likes Sharleen though, so she gets the rose because she’s so different and has class and is so honest. They kiss, and of course we see her tongue. They stretch necks like giraffes across the table to kiss more. These two need to figure out how to kiss each other better.

Ok Group Date time! We have the remaining girls so that’s Renee, Lauren, Ali, Andi, Clare, and Kelly. They meet up with Juan Pablo in the middle of some street. Exploring Seoul with some crazy activities is the crux of the date, so I guess it’ll be vignettes of fun cultural things.

Up first is Karaoke in a private room. They jump around going crazy singing in Korean to random K-Pop songs. Then they do some snacking at a market. Then of course, OF COURSE, there’s a photo booth. Swan paddle boats get involved.

And then, oh then, they get those pedicures where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. No. No, no. No, no, no, no. They are screaming like the rude Americans they are, and I am almost puking. The fish are all over their feet. I hate it. But this is where we all start to turn on Clare. She is very territorial and possessive of Juan Pablo. You can see the crazy predator look in her eyes when the other girls are talking or sitting next to him.

Back on the streets, Clare insists to Juan Pablo that she won’t eat anything crazy “like octopus”. So obviously the next stop on the “Krazy” train is to a street food vendor who sells octopus. Juan Pablo is in on the joke, and I admire him for forcing an American idiot try something new. Clare puts up the biggest fight, causing a scene amongst all these Koreans. The other women are not having her drama-mama attitude. She finally eats it in the most dramatic way you can imagine.

Ali makes a good point that octopus isn’t even that exotic. “You can get that at any Italian restaurant down the street in Chicago,” she points out. Ali is starting to grow on me. I hope she sticks around for a bit.

For night time, they go to the rooftop garden at the hotel they’re staying in. Kissing Juan Pablo is the topic du jour, and it’s fanning the flames of jealousy. As soon as he pulls Renee away first, the claws are out.

Renee is hoping this will be the perfect time to finally kiss Juan Pablo. I am too because if it doesn’t happen soon, she’s just going to be “the other mom” and a therapist rather than a romantic interest. They end up talking about kissing a lot, but he decides to “take a step back” so he can “set a good example for Camila”. Hmm…

Andi’s time is notable because he mentions how much he likes that she gets his sense of humor and can make him laugh too. Laughter is like, so important y’all. He calls her “bella” and she doesn’t know what that means. And that’s fine. But I still don’t understand how they didn’t tap a SINGLE Spanish major in this entire group. How?!

Lauren, the girl who rode up on the first night on a bike-piano and from whom we haven’t heard much else, is nervous about kissing him. She flat out asks Juan Pablo for a “beso” while they are dancing to no music, and he flat out says no because of Camila. She, of course, cries a little because it’s hard to get rejected to your face unlike the other women he hasn’t kissed because they weren’t so awkward about it, Lauren!

She’s crying in front of Juan Pablo now which is really, really awkward. Juan Pablo is across the board trying to hold back from kissing too any other women, and the other women have now seen the whole drama go down between Lauren and JP. Andi pulls her aside to cheer her up for a little pep talk and she feels better but still feels stupid.

Clare is still on the loose though, and now she’s got her alone time.

“Oh my god! I ate octopus!” she says first. And then, “You know what happened? I threw up in my mouth, but I swallowed it back down!” Romantic!

They talk more about not kissing each other but then Juan Pablo tells us that he is helpless against how sexy she is. I mean, fair, but Clare’s insane, so that’s coloring my view of her beauty. I mean, she is nuts.

In the end, after all that talking about kissing and not kissing, the rose goes to Andi whom he has kissed in the past but did not tonight. He really likes her, and so do I. This bodes well for Andi.

For the Rose Ceremony we are at an opulent Korean temple palace. It is honestly stunning. They lay the women out like a harem on red satin sofas and JP pulls Kelly aside first to talk. I have no idea about their relationship, but I relish Kelly’s candor and wry sense of humor. I need Kelly the “Dog Lover” to stay on this journey. But we don’t see Kelly’s conversation at all.

Clare’s conversation on the other hand we get to hear. She makes some great Miss America speeches about how stepping out of her comfort zone is worth it. And just as Clare starts talking about her dead dad again, Nikki approaches to talk to Juan Pablo despite having a rose. Clare. Is. Pissed. The other women are pissed. Nikki is sowing some bad blood.

Somehow the situation in the house comes up, and all of the sudden Nikki thinks that Clare was telling Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. Then Nikki is upset and then Clare comes to talk to Kelly and Nikki. It’s a lot of nonsense so I’ll boil it down:

Clare tells Nikki that seeing her one way around the women and another way around Juan Pablo is rubbing people the wrong way. Clare tells Nikki that that behavior doesn’t merit a rose so Nikki replies, “Well, you’re not handing out the roses.” So that’s that for now. Of course they will both stay around for a long time, so we need to remember this as the beginning of the feud.

At the end of the night there are roses to hand out. Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi are all safe already. Juan Pablo calls out the names in the following order: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (I, TOO, FORGOT SHE WAS STILL HERE), Cassandra, Ali (who he always calls Alison), Clare, and the final rose goes to Kat. This means poor, awkward Lauren is going home as well as Elise. I told you, Elise. I warned you that bringing up anyone elses shit would get you here and I was right.

Next week they are off to a warmer clime in Vietnam! So now I must leave you until then. Of course you can, and should, find me over on Twitter @chasspod, and new recaps go up every Wednesday. ¡Un besote mis amores!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

Henley Monday -

So it looks like my cries to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday went unheard. A girl can dream right? And as I sit here today with the remains of heartburn and general indigestion, more than ever I feel compelled to avail us with Henley Monday.

And today, a henley clad man for the ages, Kit Harrington aka Jon Snow on HBO's GAME OF THRONES. His stare is enough to melt a whole right through the Wall and blast a White Walker right to glittery dust. Keep your heads up everyone, Jon Snow does know SOMETHING: how to look sexy. Boom.

Henley Monday -

hahaha yes that's right, Henley Monday is returned. We were on an unofficial, unannounced hiatus but we are back. And we are just as good as ever. And we are super excited to be moving towards the two year anniversary of this most beloved feature here at the blog.

We're doing a kick off with Colin Ferrell. He is a renowned "bad boy" with some serious issues for which we hope he's receiving therapy and working towards happiness and all the while LOOKING SO SEXY. He's getting older and his scruff is getting some salt mixed in with the pepper, and he is wearing the crap out of a henley under a sportcoat!

Stay well, Colin! Stay well, all of you! Until next Monday!

Henley Monday -

Happy day everyone! I'll make this short and sweet. This is Robert Downey Jr mugging the shit out of the camera in a henley and a blazer and a freaking scarf because Robert Downey Jr is elegant and classy AF. GET ON HIS LEVEL!

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

     Tallyho! Pip, pip old mates, The Bachelorette and her man-harem have arrived in jolly London Town, they ‘ave, they ‘ave! Let us take our swim across the pond and see the drama and romance in store for us this week… and find out to whom Emily says GTFO!

The Maynard senior and junior are abso-tute-ly precious traveling about town and doing amazing tourist things that I so badly want to do. The gentlemen gather in Trafalgar Square to get the low-down for the week from Chris Harrison or “Chrarrison” as I like to say.

               The first date card is waiting in the suite and it’s going to Sean – 28! “Love takes no prisoners” so I’m guessing Tower of London, but he’s clueless. Jef is jealous! He really wants alone time, and I think the same thing about him and his pumped up kicks. Whither, King Jef of the Elves? Kalon is pissy that things aren’t going exactly as planned and that he has no control. Foreshadow?

Emily and Sean-28 are going on a double-decker bus tour, so Sean makes a London calling joke while “London Calling”-ish plays and immediately stands up on the bus to say “HELLO, LONDOOON!” Thanks for that, Sean-28. The two of them apprehensively announce to each other the sights they’re seeing because apparently the show couldn’t swing a real tour guide for the date? Come on, ABC. Also, you can tell Emily has a cold, but she’s all smiles and charm. These two are precious Aryan Angels.

            Back to the hotel suite and the dramatic violins, Kalon is being a terd once again. To Jef and Arie he says, “You gotta remember that if you become a part of her life, pretty much any day is gonna be a group date. It’s gonna be you, her, and Ricki.” Jef is PISSED and comes to Emily’s defense and calls Kalon a dick, and I rewound that part a couple times to hear him be a gallant goblin prince.

Emily and Sean come upon Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. Roped in by the crazies, Sean starts professing about love and it’s so weird. He once again finds a way to talk about his family. He is really hot though, so he gets a pass for now.

For the “meal” the two arrive at the Tower of London! I knew it! Emily’s almost completely lost her voice. Their tour guide is a charming beefeater, but for real, the Tower of London is kind of creepy. I don’t think it’s an ideal date place. King Henry’s home is no temple to love, yo.

The group date card comes to the hotel suite and reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And there is a collective, “Buh….what?!” from the moronic imbeciles apparently vying for Lady Emily’s affections. Someone, Alejandro I think, pipes in with, “I think that was Shakespeare.” YA, DOI! Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon are on the group date. Kalon is royally ticked to be grouped in.

Back in the Tower of London, Emily puts Sean-28 through the “are you ready to be a father” gauntlet right away. He passes with flying colors because from betwixt their medieval goblets, Emily plucks the rose and pins it to Sean’s ready lapel. Within view of the Tower Bridge, they make out a little which I have to advise against based on how sick she sounds.

So the MISCREANTS who don’t know that MEGA-FAMOUS Shakespeare quote get to go to Stratford-upon-Avon for the group date. We finally acknowledge that Emily is ill and reveal the date will consist of them acting out scenes from “Romeo and Juliet” here in Shakespeare’s birthplace while he does barrel rolls in his grave. I take a large swig of wine at this point. Buckle up, kids.

The guys have to audition for the three representatives of the Shakespeare Birth Place Trust. They are freaking out. We’re mercifully shown the auditions in a montage; they are the worst. Kalon is taking it extremely seriously and is “not surprised” when they announce him as one of the Romeo’s. “I was born to play this role,” he smirks. I swig more wine. Arie and Doog are playing the nurse. YAY!!! THIS WILL BE SO FUNNY FOR US!

              Rehearsal is just watching dumb men rehearse Shakespeare, and many of them literally have no idea what they are saying. Kalon is feeling so competitive, and he says, “You can run along,” to Emily so they can rehearse. “Kalon needs to realize he is not on Broadway. Kalon needs to lighten up.” Amen! This lady can PREACH!

I want a gif of Arie prancing in his tights. Someone! Get me that gif!

Doogie as the nurse is kind of hilarious, and I appreciate his willingness to make bold choices. I also appreciate how willing Arie is to be a total doof, even though he was piss-pants nervous. He can do no wrong for Emily; she’s totally enamored of him.

              Ryan is so excited to kiss a dead Juliet-Emily, and is being real creepy. He also keeps talking about Arie when he talks about kissing Emily. And Arie, in his wig and bustier, smugly knows that, “Dude, it’s a play. You’re not actually kissing her.” Emily shakes her head and is grossed out.

“That stage kiss? That was the best part of my acting because I made it seem real…because it kinda was.” Oh my gosh, Ryan. OH MY GOSH.

               Arie and Emily steal away at the pub to have their beautiful alone time. They like each other so much! But again, I have to advise against the kissing because Emily might have strep throat!

You guys, I just figured out who Ryan reminds me of. He reminds me of Jason Stackhouse from True Blood except he doesn’t have the redeeming charm and loving heart that Jason does. Like Jason would totally say, “In my experience, when a girl tells you you’re trouble, and she smiles when she says it, maybe she wants to get in trouble.” He pulls out a pretty necklace with a turquoise pendant for her. She and I are genuinely surprised that it’s so simple, sweet, and thoughtful. But it could just be his game.

Kalon is still in a prissy huff. “Yeah, I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her,” he snaps at Chris. Seriously dude, if that’s how you feel, why are you here? What are you wasting your extraordinarily precious time for?

It looks like Chris is the one who lets the “baggage” cat out of the bag to all the men. They, and I, are steaming mad. It isn’t until Dooglas hears about it that things take a turn for the worse. He is rolling up his sleeves as he makes Kalon fess up to calling Ricki baggage. Which he does. Readily. And he’s “not gonna apologize for it.” Oh, s**t, y’all. This is worse than I thought.

           Doogie immediately tells Emily about it, and I champion his decision. We can see the fury light up within Emily as she tries to think of “the most ladylike, the most graceful way” to kick Kalon’s sorry ass out of the United Kingdom and her life forever. “I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” she says, “I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.” GO EMILY! DO IT! I’m really sad this situation presented itself, but this is the most lively we’ve seen our girl yet.         

She rips off her jacket as they go out into the crowd, and Doug puts Kalon on the spot. She doesn’t allow Kalon to interrupt her and then goes, “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you.” WOW. THAT IS AWESOME. SUCKER, PLEASE! She slams down on the table the fact that his own mom was a single mother, and he can’t even string together three words that aren’t coated in horse s**t.  So she tells him to GTFO and shuts down the conversation. WaBAM!

                       But I feel so bad for her because she needed to just walk away. I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of righteous anger. She doesn’t hand out the rose and goes home to be with Ricki.

She’s really angry that no one said anything to her about it, but someone did. Doug did. Doug came and told her as soon as he found out. Maybe she’s more upset that the people who heard it firsthand didn’t say anything sooner, but I’m not sure. I think she’s still fuming and maybe just needs to cool off a lot. Here’s to hoping her date with Jef is a romantic swoon-fest to lift us all out of this luxury-brand consultant scented funk.

                 Jef wants to assure Emily that he will be there for her and is so excited to spend time with her. Rude, Jef. Don’t forget about me. They’re having afternoon tea which he is dressed for because his suit coat has elbow patches on it. Oh, except…not tea time, just an etiquette lesson with an old British lady. Jef gets bummed out that Jean the etiquette teacher is hijacking his one-on-one time! Jean is really hijacking this date too and taking it all seriously. To Jef’s point she is “really, really, really thorough.” He wants Jean to get out of his high-king hair.

               They run out on tea, and Jef hijacks the date to the pub where he orders them fish and chips and beers. He wants to tell Emily that he stood up for her, and “always will stand up for her”. He is so charming, really just a great guy. I WANT ONE. WHERE IS MY SEXY ELVIN KING?! OH MY GOD. HE JUST SAID “If Ricki’s baggage, she is a Chloé handbag that I want to have forever,” AND THEN MY HEART EXPLODED INTO SPARKLY CONFETTI.

Jef really does seem to feel strongly for Emily, but she is wary that she can’t read him and doesn’t know how he feels. She is gunning for that kiss on their date tonight. Gunning for it.

They change into sexy cocktail attire and have a special dessert date for two on the London Eye. That’s some real romatical ish, y’all. Jef is excited to take their relationship to the next level which is something a seventeen year-old says, but he’s so sexual that it’s ok.  He assures Emily that he will never lie to her. And now it’s raining on their London Eye-ball.

          Side note: they are creeping higher in the sky and their desserts (it appears to be a kind of trifle) remain utterly untouched. They didn’t touch a single bite of their trifle!

Okay Jef wants to have dancing and singing parties with Ricki and Emily, again, I die. She gives him the rose for always making her feel like a special lady. In the words of Bill Murray’s titular Bob in “What About Bob?” Gimme, gimme, gimme! I need! I NEED!

The build up to their kiss is so awkward. Very high school. He prefaces it. But then they kiss, and she is rull into it. Rull, rull into kissing that Elf King. Seriously, he is one of the good ones.

            The tension is high as we go into the cocktail party. Emily is in a sleek one sleeved deep blue dress, and she is hitting hard with the questions. She’s basically just grilling the guys as to why they didn’t stand up for her. Even perfect Arie was put under fire, and he’s a little nervous.

                   Ryan is the living worst wearing a scarf with his suit and brings her out to a stairwell balcony. He has a plan. He always has a plan. He is reading the Romeo monologue to her. I want to punch him.  He translates it for her because she’s not a human who understands words. She likes him! She actually likes him! I mean she says she’s mad at herself about it and she’s keeping an eye on him. But oh my word, he is slime.

She has a great chat with Sean, and they kind of slow dance together. It’s sweet, and they’re cheesy but in a non-disgusting way.

                 Chrarrison arrives and the bells toll to signify the end of the road for a sad one of the bachelors. She calls Doog first for obvious reasons. Oh my gosh, we’re getting down to the wire, and Arie’s name still hasn’t been called. It’s down to Alejandro and Arie! This can’t be!

In the end, I am heaving an enormous sigh of relief that Arie is sticking around, while Alejandro is out of the pack. He seems like a sweet man, but a little young for Emily. I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding a wonderful woman to share his life with. Back to the mushroom farm, for now though, Ale-ale-jandro.

              This whirlwind of an episode draws to a close. We had high romance and high drama. And next week they are off to Dubrovnik, Croatia which I bet only half the men can find on a map. There is kissing shot upon kissing shot and then Arie is kissing her against an ancient wall and I get the vapors. But there is trouble on the Adriatic with one gentleman who is “in it to win it, and Emily is the trophy.” Gee, I wonder who in the world is so competitive and would say a think like that. *Cough* Ryan *Cough* Arie makes a confession, and Emily storms out of the rose ceremony!  Only time will reveal all, dear readers, so until next time, keep on the journey.

[heart]BREAKING NEWS: The Bachelorette's Emily Maynard and Jef Holm SPLIT

Love is dead.

Well, their love is dead, at least. As followers of the blog remember, we all spent a significant amount of time together last summer following the trials and tribulations of one Emily Maynard in her quest to find lasting true love in a husband and father for her little girl Ricki.

At the finale, all our hearts swelled as she chose Jef Holm, the hip, formerly Mormon entrepreneur of a fresh water charity (link to it here. because fresh water is the only thing more important that true love) with hair high as the heavens and features like an Elvin Prince.

But now, after a few weeks of hushed rumors that the lovebirds were no longer flocking together, Team Jem has officially released statements confirming our worst fears.

I am a realistic person. I realize that the track record of success in the Bachelor franchise is a terrible, terrible track record. I also acknowledge that the ridiculous circumstances of the show don't exactly lend themselves to preparing couples for a real-world relationship after you've scaled mountains together and had private concerts from EFFING DOLLY PARTON.

But the reason we all watched and rooted for our girl Emily was because they got us to care. We cared about her. And I am so so sad that she has once again come up short. The only thing we can do now is hold our loved ones dear until January rolls around and we can have the same thrilling experience when Sean is our Bachelor.

Click here for the Entertainment Weekly story and official statements from both Emily and Jef.

RIP LOVE. And best of luck to Emily Maynard and her adorable moppet.

Henley Monday -

As much as Beyonce truly (really, truly) inspires me, I still need a little pick-me-up by way of a well dressed man. Enter Aaron Tveit in yet another beautiful plain black henley. I mean can his hair stop for like three seconds? Can it? I need it to take a break from being so perfect.

The Bachelor - After the Final Rose Recap

Jumping straight into After the Final Rose because never before have we needed to have so many questions answered. I’m so confused about so many things, and I need Chrarrison to pull me through.

“Why was ‘I like you a lot’ enough for Nikki to accept the final rose?” Chris Harrison asks us. Why, indeed, Chris? Why, indeed?

No time is wasted bringing Clare on stage in a stunning black leather, a-line dress. Girl has style. I think it speaks to the depth of the lack of character of Juan Pablo that I went from being so annoyed with Clare to being so completely on her side.

Chris asks her about what happened that made her so sure of that proposal. She talks about the night in her hotel room where he had every opportunity to ACTUALLY be honest with her. “Tell me your fears because these are mine. Tell me your worries because these are mine. Tell me your doubts because I’ll be out of here,” she says. And she also explains how disappointing it was to hear Juan Pablo say something so offensive and rude to her in the helicopter. “I was definitely wearing those rose colored glasses,” she says about her temporary forgiveness.

“I should have left. My gut was right on. I should have left,” Clare admits. Chris Harrison is very respectful in his questioning. I think we get the answers we want to hear from Clare without feeling like Chris is peeling her open against her will. So respectful is he, in fact, that he asks if she wants to talk to and see Juan Pablo tonight. She says no. “Because never before had I been able to stand up to a man like that before…It was so liberating to stand there and say ‘this is how I feel and it’s not okay’” she explains. That was her closure. And that was enough. The audience applauds wildly.  Goodnight, Clare. I wish you good things in your life. I hope you can take this opportunity to relax and let love come to you when it’s ready. Who am I anymore? I don’t know, but I genuinely want that for her.

“Finally,” is the first thing Juan Pablo says as he comes out on stage. He sends a quick shout out to pray for Venezuela in their time of turmoil. Indeed. But let’s not stray from the point. “At the end of the day I had to make the decision that was right for me and it is what it is,” he explains about what happened. WHO TAUGHT HIM THOSE WORDS?! I’LL FIND YOU.

This guy is so full of hot air. He blathers on for a while about how hard it was for him and how he did the math that there were so many hours he spent on the show but only twenty hours were seen. And then Chris Harrison politely interrupts, as is custom for a host to do when the contestant is blathering. And Juan Pablo says, “Um can I talk?! Hoo! Can I talk?” and Chrarrison bowls right over him because NO. YOU CAN’T TALK YOU DOLLOP OF PRIMORDIAL OOZE. NO ONE DISRESPECTS MY CHRIS HARRISON. THAT MAN IS A SAINT AND A TREASURE. YOU SHUT UP.

When Chris asks him if he would have done anything differently regarding the helicopter comments, Juan Pablo demures that things were private and should be kept private and there are many things we didn’t hear. “Why should I have regret?” he asks. He genuinely doesn’t know to what Chris is referring. He doesn’t know that Clare was deeply offended by him saying “I don’t know you but I like f***ing you.” The rat bastard.

Juan Pablo goes away and we tromp Nikki out. She finally got her blond roots fixed and she is in a smoldering red dress. She is still in love. And she does not know if Juan Pablo is in love with her. “Um, not exactly,” is how she responds to the question “Has he told you that he loves you?”. I don’t know. Gah. Now we’re in the territory where it’s hard to tell what is truth and what is not. Do I feel like at this point he should know whether or not he loves her? Yes. If he does love her should he be telling her? Yes! Does he need to shout it from the mountain tops? Not necessarily, but he should TELL HER.

The couple finally reunites on TV and cuddle up on the couch. Juan Pablo is very excited that the trying four months in secret is over. When Chris Harrison asks what the big surprise he had promised to the producers in St. Lucia is, Juan Pablo plays dumb. He doesn’t know about any surprises. Nikki is his surprise but there are no other surprises.

So then Chris Harrison has to fill time. And he decides to pepper Juan Pablo with questions about how exactly he feels about Nikki. He wants him to say he loves her. But he won’t. And Nikki hasn’t said a word the whole time. She’s like a silent prisoner wife being obedient and silent, and it’s hard to watch. This is a smart, strong, independent woman, but she seems so complacent and deadened.

Juan Pablo goes on and on and on about how it’s personal and he’s not going to just say it to say it and he wants to be honest. He disrespects Chrarrison AGAIN by calling him out for interrupting him. Rude.

We get Sean Lowe’s opinion on the matter. He basically says that everyone is different, to each their own, but it is part of the process to lose a certain amount of privacy. And it is Sean’s nature to tell a woman the second he feels it to let her know he loves her! To tell her and hear it back!

“This is supposed to be the good part!...This is the time to shine and express your feelings!” Chris says.

Juan Pablo won’t play along. Nikki finally gets to chime in after being asked how she feels about it. She basically says that they are happy. They are treating it like a real relationship. That unlike other couples who come on After the Final Rose, they are actually a real couple who aren’t just saying they’re in love because they’re supposed to. On the one hand, yes. Maybe it’s good you’re taking it slower than others have in the past, but also I think if you’re with a guy who can’t say the words “I love you” to you, that’s not a great sign.

“Our plans changed drastically two weeks ago after the filming of the Women Tell All, but you know, it’s private. Now begins the private part of our lives,” Juan Pablo says of the future of their relationship. Ok, buddy. Yeah. “now” being after the full week of interviews you are contractually obligated to give to all the shows on ABC and the tabloids and magazines and everything? Ok great.

Nikki silently sits there and lets Juan Pablo talk for her. He kindly disagrees with Sean’s opinion that it’s not public, it’s private. And Sean shakes his head and laughs, “I hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but after this it doesn’t stay private.”

And his lovely wife Catherine chimes in saying how confusing this whole thing is, and “This show is about love and finding someone…don’t slap the hand that fed you.” Juan Pablo doesn’t know that expression, which I won’t fault him for. But I agree 100% with Catherine. He signed up for this. This is part of the deal.

Chris agrees too and explains that he understands wanting to keep some parts private, but why wouldn’t you want to celebrate the good part which is that Juan Pablo did find someone to be happy with and that he loves, yet refuses to say.

“Twelve years I’ve been doing this! This is a Bachelor first. Easily,” Chris Harrison shrugs to camera and then promises us the big reveal of the next Bachelorette.

Who, if we couldn’t have predicted beforehand, we now all know is Andi, our plucky ADA from Atlanta. This is perfect. I think Andi gets the show. She gets the process and is “open to the process”. I think Andi has just the right amount of chutzpa to have a sense of humor about things, but still ultimately be successful in this. I like Andi a lot, and I’m really looking forward to her upcoming season.

She comes on stage in an awesome silver sequined mini dress. She is breathless and nervous, but is stunning. “I just don’t wanna pop this dress!” she says. That is exactly the kind of spunk we need! Chris Harrison and she joke along to make sure she understands the process will be televised and that if she falls in love and might have to tell the world. She feels all in and is so ready for this. She is ready to fall in love and maybe get engaged.

Which might happen sooner rather than later! In two short months I’ll be back doing weekly recaps, as always on Wednesday. Please feel free to submit questions and comments, I always do my best to get back to you. It’s so much fun for me to get to know people from all over the world who love this show. It’s such a weird, great thing knowing so many people give a rat’s behind what I have to say about all the madness. It is appreciated and so delightful.

So until the Bachelorette is back on our TV screens, follow along here at the blog for all sorts of pop culture fun. Follow along with me over on Twitter @Chasspod. And as always, besos mis amores. Stay awesome.